a/n 5/23/06: I'll admit my grammar isn't the best, but in this story there is a reason for it being worst than ever I wanted to reflect how the character writting feels I don't want to give too much away but she is trying to get as much out as she can she just writes her memories and feelings not thinking much of what her fingers are doing. I think I put this warning somewhere in the fallowing chp but I decided to write it here too so you guys would give the story a chance. All reviews for finished stories will be answer on my livejournal the link is on profile thanks for reading and reviewing.

I've seen him fall on the floor over his own throw up, I have picked him up so many times. I cleaned the self inflicted wounds, and paid for all the bills. I believed him, I cheered him, I bought him a new guitar.

I became one of the guys , a slept in the van between Josh and Derek, held his hand while he sang on stage and I yelled his name when no one knew it.

I was his first fan, his muse he said he could never live without me. That one day it will all pay off , but we didn't search for glory we didn't search for limos or parties. I certainly wasn't there for the groupies. I never thought they'd be part of our life's. I never thought I had to worry about them. My boy he wears make up he, he never works out and to say the truth his a little of a geek I never thought his dumb glasses would be cool. We paid 20 dollars for them they now sell at 100. I used to be front row right in front of him he would sing to me.

How we got here. How we get to the point were I sit in are new house alone in front of the comp. I kissed him good bye in the car after signing the last papers for this house. He has not spend a single night here and he is off for a whole year! We had so many dreams and now only parts come true.

When I met Derek he was a science geek oh god .I would have never paid attention to him, but I had no choice but to be nice to him, I needed his help to pass science. He would talk to me about these awesome bands I had never heard off. After finding out I was completely clue less on all this he invited me to a show. This ex Britney fan was very worried about this. I wasn't worried about what to wear I didn't have to impress him, but it was new and scary. Holy shit is all that can describe that experience the music the energy!! The heat, the pushing; could I ever go back to Britney I think not!

I still didn't like him, no, no; no Derek was too weird for me. But like he says he converted me both to the music and him. Derek got a guitar for his b-day and this totally changed our life's. My safe college bound friend became a little punk rocker and I was ready to fallow him to the end. God the power a guitar has in his hands is orgasmic. The first time I saw Derek play the guitar it hit me that I was head over heals in love with him, and I didn't know what to do about it. I had told him so many times that we would never be anything other than friends. I pretty much lost most of my friends to whom my music was noise and didn't understand why I was hanging with the "losers" well mister works in gas station who is the looser now. It was me and the boys against the world we were the outcast.

Okay I keep talking about the boys but you have yet to meet them. There is of course Derek lead guitar and vocals and Jay bird on the drums, Zac on the base and Josh on a second guitar and back up vocals he is also awesome when it comes to the yelling. Zac and Josh dropped out of school at 15 they are a few years older than the rest and went completely into music they have been in several bands most of them broke up. Jay bird is something else you never now what will come out of his mouth one of the reasons he never gets the mike.

A week after getting together as a band they got their first gig they only had written one song, so they decided to do some covers they would only play 3 songs so it was fine. We played in what looked like a dark closet. They were the first band to play and I believe only 4 kids were there ha ha and that was counting me. But the boys played like they had a thousand they rocked. The owner of the closet asked them to write a few more songs let him listen to them and that he might let them play again.

Derek and I would sit under a tree with his guitar as he worked on the lyrics. That is were we had our first kiss. He was working on lunatic nights when we kissed the lyrics which you probably all know talk about a doll gone bad. "And as she crosses the line between evil and good, I hold her tightly in my arms". I love that line that's when our lips met for the first time. I was there for every practice, I was there for every let down every fight every lie every party every everything.

Jay bird still doesn't like me too much. The thing is I kind of played a prank on him back in middle school. Is it wrong that I still find this prank so funny? It was nothing big, but it did gain him the nick name of pipi boy. God writing about this wont help me with him. But other than Jay bird my relationship with the others is great Zac is evil you never know what he will say and if he feels like you should shut the fuck up he will let you know. Josh is very shy, very quiet keeps mostly to himself only talks when necessary. He suffered from depression like well you all already know. It was tough cuz we really didn't know how to help we saw him sinking but had no clue how to pull him out. I was the one who found him in a pool of blood on the bathroom floor I still have nightmares about it. "Lost in a puddle of red the heart I stole found the brother I lost" If I had taken 2 more min he would not be with us today. I've also thought about suicide more today than any other time I miss him so much. But I'm too scared the thought of josh on the floor won't let me. Thanks Josh.

Our dreams were not to big all we wanted was to make enough money to eat that is all. We didn't want limos or mansions. Once we got the permanent gig in the Closet Jay bird and Derek dropped out of school they wanted to spend all their time on the music. God they played anywhere they could for what ever they would pay them. They played a gig once were they got paid in food which wasn't bad since this was after Derek got kicked out of his house. Derek moved in with Jay bird whose parents are the best Papa Ben and mama Jen are the best we owe them basically everything. But their fridge is always low on food.

The boys started getting gigs in other cities and well school started to get in my way. My parents gave me an ultimatum and well I left the house I left school to fallow them. I believed in them. Me and Josh got a job in Arbys we needed the cash I mean the gigs sometimes only paid in what ever you drink that night. The other boys got their own sucky jobs and we started to safe to buy a van. To say the truth they did but when the time came to buy it they were 200 dollars short and well that is what I had managed to save so I could move to my own place. But hey what girl doesn't enjoy sleeping in a crammed van with 4 dudes who haven't showered in days!

They got their van. Zac named it Bella in honor of Frankie's guitar. Bella is still with us, the poor thing gets left behind with me now. The two girls are no longer needed on the road. Well that summer the boys went on their first tour!! I quit Arbys and went with them. Our crowds got bigger and bigger it was amazing, we were opening acts and It surprised us that people new about us. The last show we played for this tour was in the Closet that was crazy the place was filled up to capacity. People recognized me! I mean what the hell? When they hit the stage it seemed like the place was going to explode. We didn't even have 1 song recorded and people wanted to buy our "C.D".

After this a small label signed the boys and they started to work on their album. I went back to Arbys and me and Derek started looking for a place to move in. We found this awful one bedroom apartment but it was all we could afford. But 2 days before moving in Zac and Josh got kicked out of their place and ended up living with us.

I use to be in the front row yelling every single song along with Derek, I used to carry Jay bird out so drunk he would pass out; Josh would bend towards me and hold my hand while singing. Well after their album came out I was put on the side line. For security reasons I was no longer aloud in the crowd. Little 16 year old girls would come up to me in the mall and they still do to ask me how Derek is in bed I mean how disrespectful can you be!! One even spit in my face once I get hate mail. Derek became a sex symbol he is everything he never wanted to be. He wanted to play music to inspire people. Hopefully change someone's life. We never thought they would become circus monkeys.

For that tour I went with them. I rediscovered the joys of a good blunt. and met awesome people and other great musicians. Derek doesn't do drugs. But well I and the other guys took advantage of it all. It was incredible we have tons of stories to tell from this. But unfortunately the music started to suffer the boys were going on stage completely wasted and sometimes forgot the songs. Derek was pissed off over this and pretty much took it out on me. He blamed me for the guys drinking he blamed me for the drugs he blamed me for Jay bird falling asleep while playing the drums. I grabbed my book bag and hoped on a bus back home that night. When I arrived to our horrible building and sat on the mattress that was our bed I noticed I had nothing other than Derek. It wasn't my fault that the guys were drinking or smoking, but then again I was doing it all with them.