you'd think a sixteen year old girl
wouldn't have imaginary friends

i do,
but she's all but imaginary
to me

"i call her ana
she's my special friend"

ana is perfect
she's so much more
reliable and permanent
than the ones made of flesh and bone
ones that let you down
let you go
ana doesn't do either one
once she has you, she keeps you
forever and
ever
always pushing, pushing
and she makes you do
better
so much better

ana's favorite game is
'restriction'
she loves to play with me
but there are rules:
i always lose

(but whenever i win, i lose too)

ana is beautiful
dainty and small-breasted
she makes androgyny look
desirable
fragile bones show through
her skin so white and
flawless
absolutely flawless
her nails are painted
and her hair isn't very shiny
but it adds to her beauty
the beauty of being thin

i love her and i hate her
i respect and abhor her
i want to be her
more than anything
but at the same time
i'm scared

i'm miserable
but she won't let me go