Author: YFIQ PM
What if John Henry went Steinbrenner after Theo Epstein left?Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Words: 641 - Published: 12-24-05 - Status: Complete - id: 2076069
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Once upon a time in Boston, a group of the Red Sox executives were scrambling and desperately trying to find a replacement for their General Manager Theo Epstein, who had resigned a while earlier. The Red Sox owner, John Henry burst in and yells " Did you find a replacement yet? ", " No sir " replied one of the executives as he start pulling his hair. " You better find the replacement soon, or ya'll suffer! " roared Henry.
Meanwhile somewhere in the United Arab Emirates, a former Iraqi Information Minister named Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf better known as Baghdad Bob who was reading a newspaper. He saw a job offer ad from the Red Sox organization, " I could use a job right now " thought Bob as he dials a Red Sox phone number to John Henry's office.
Meanwhile at the office in Fenway when one of the executives burst into John Henry's office yelling " George, we found him! ". " Who? " barked John Henry, " Who did you find? ", the executive answer " He said his name is Bob Baget ", " Then bring him to me tomorrow so we can have a meeting and by the way, my name is not George you stupid idiot! ", said Henry.
The next morning, John Henry and " Bob Baget " met at the Logan International Airport when Henry quickly offered Bob a 10 year, $666,666,666 contract before he even said " Hello ", and then found out how desperate the Red Sox are so he quickly took advantage of this by playing hardball in the negotiation until the offer went up to infinite years and $ infinitecontract. After they reached a deal it was announced and Bob Baget yelled " This year we will blow away the infidels in the A.L. East and win the World Cup! "
Few days later, Bob trades Manny Ramirez to the Mets for a bag of Jerry Koosman's hair and Tom Seaver's toenail clippings. Then he signs in a pigeon for 3 years and $30,000,000 contract to replace Manny on left field only to be replaced by another pigeon after it got eaten by a red-tailed hawk. A week later he trades Matt Clement, Tim Wakefield, and David Wells to the New Jersey Devils for Martin Brodeur's old hockey gear. Two days later he trades David Ortiz to the New York Knicks for Dolan's son. Then finally he trades Josh Beckett to the Miami Dolphins for basically nothing.
As the season starts, Bob announced that " The Red Sox will win 50 titles! " before the season opener starts in which the Red Sox would lose 200 - 4 after Gabe Kapler ( who is replacing Curt Schilling after he was devoured by David Ortiz shortly after Christmas ) gave up 55 runs and 29 hits despite facing 28 batters without recording an out. Few weeks later, despite getting swept by the Orioles, Bob remain defiant by saying " The media is lying, we have not been defeated by that inferior team called Orioles, in fact be slaughtered those infidels and our next enemy called the Blue Jays are committing suicides outside the wall right now! ". By the end of the season, Bob claimed that the Red Sox went 200 - 0 when their record was actually 3 - 159 with all three wins came on against the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.
Twenty years later, Bob was fired and was later exiled to his predecessor's secret hide out, Shambhala. In those twenty years the Yankees won nine titles, the Mets, Angels, and Braves each won a pair while the Dodgers, Indians, Blue Jays, Orioles, and Twins each won one. It was hard for Bob as he tries to find life after baseball he was traveling to Shambhala, which is hidden deep within the Himalayas where he was repeatly attacked by yettis before he could finally reach his destination.