A/N: Well here’s another random story as I procrastinate on my real stories…. sigh This story though, has been floating around in my head for a week or so, and I finally sat down and just wrote it. There’s real life and fake mixed into it, but it was interesting to write I suppose. I’m hoping over this winter break I’ll be able to get something done…. sigh Review if you like, if not, oh well!

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His Eyes

I would always watch him from afar. He was always laughing with his friends, and even people he didn’t seem to know as well. The smile that spread across his face filled my heart with joy, even though the smile wasn’t directed towards me. But what I loved the most were his eyes. There was something distinct about them. They were always glowing, always cheerful.

Now based on that description I probably sound like a stalker, but I’m not. The truth is the two of us used to be good friends… But some things came between us a year ago, and we’ve stopped speaking to each other. It hurt me, I’m not going to lie it did, but there was nothing I could do. I was partially to blame after all. I was the one who let my feelings get too involved.

His name is Ayden, and he was the nicest boy anyone could ever meet. He’s at the top of his class, President for all four years of high school, and an all-state athlete for lacrosse. Most people couldn’t handle that, but even with all his commitments he still manages to go through life genuinely happy. That sparkle in his eyes always remains even after all the hardships he may have gone through.

How do I know about these hardships you may ask? Well I get some of them second hand from my best friend, Crystal, who also happens to be a very close friend of Ayden. She’s told me that his parents got a divorce last summer, and that his girlfriend had moved away almost a week after. So he lost a lot over the summer, but still stuck with it, which I find very admirable.

Nowadays I hear that Ayden has been nominated as captain of the basketball team, and got the leading role in the school musical. Crystal has even started to tell me that she’s amazed how he can manage everything. She herself is involved with drama, is taking a few AP classes, plays no sports, and still has trouble keeping track of everything in her life. So for someone who is twice as busy to be able to manage everything, appears to everyone as a blessed miracle.

I myself however, am not the over achieving, involved student. I take the basic CP classes, and go to a few clubs here or there. The only thing I’m consistently involved with is the Select Choir at my school. However, that may be because I think the conductor would come after my head if I wasn’t committed. You see, the choir is short on male singers that can hold a pitch, so I’m actually needed. If it weren’t for that, I probably would’ve ditched it a long time ago. After all, I only joined because Ayden told me I should.

But enough about me, more about Ayden. He truly is a remarkable person. Even with everything he’s involved with, he still has room in his heart for others. I constantly see him with someone who’s upset, with someone crying on his shoulder. It hurts me to know that I’ll never be able to cry on that shoulder again. His big heart is something that’s admired by all.

In all honesty if something were ever to happen to Ayden the entire school would be devastated. He’s pupil and friend to most of the teachers in the school, as well as the office secretaries. He’s the first person most everyone goes to if they have a problem, and most of the time he helps them solve whatever the problem may be. Then there are those few people like me, who enjoy watching Ayden succeed from afar, for the soul purpose of wishing that they could achieve half of what he’s achieved. Hell, I’d be happy with achieving one fourth of what he’s achieved. Then again for me, just watching him is enough. As long as I know he’s happy, I’m content.

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It’s now two weeks before the winter break and I’m struggling to keep up with my school work. It’s nothing new, I mean I always struggle, but this time I have a reason for my lack of interest in my studies. Ayden has changed. Most people haven’t noticed, he’s kept up a good act, still laughing with his friends, but I can tell something’s wrong. His eyes no longer have that special glow that used to fill my heart with such joy. Now his eyes are blank, desolate, and melancholy.

Crystal continues to reassure me that nothing is wrong, constantly saying that he’s fine, and she would know if he wasn’t because she’s his best friend. Even though Ayden hasn’t said anything to her, I can tell something is terribly wrong. He tries to hide it, but his eyes give him away every time I glance his way.

Part of me wants to approach him, ask him what’s going on, but I know that it’ll probably only make matters worse. Perhaps I could send him an anonymous letter through his locker and leave him some random screen name online that he can reach me at. However, the more ideas I come up with, the more and more unrealistic they become. I feel completely useless, no matter how hard I try to deny it, I realize I’m of no use to Ayden and never will be again…

A week passes, and Crystal still has heard anything from Ayden. He’s kept it very well hidden from her, for she still denies that anything is wrong. But with each passing day his eyes grow worse and worse. They start to become more painful to look at, even though there’s a smile still spread across his face.

Thankfully I knew one of Ayden’s current teachers rather well, so one day after school, I took it upon myself to go talk to her. Mrs. Whitmore was Ayden’s AP Calculus teacher, and also a kind and generous woman. I asked her if anything had changed in Ayden’s school work, and surprisingly she told the truth, saying that there had been some drastic changes. His A- average had dropped to a C- within just the past two weeks. She told me that she had asked him if anything was wrong and he responded with “I guess I just don’t understand the material right now.”

That had to have been one of the worst lies I’ve ever heard in my life time. There was no way that Ayden didn’t understand something, he always understood everything! So, thanking Mrs. Whitmore, I left the school that day, even more puzzled that I had been before. I considered calling Crystal, but then thought that she would yell at me for invading Ayden’s life so badly. So even though I didn’t want to, I kept the information to myself and spent the rest of the day brooding in my room.

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I got a call that night around 2 a.m. from Crystal. She sounded severely upset, and I could barely make out what she was mumbling on the phone. So I offered to come over to her house, but the response I got was that she was at Ayden’s house. A chill ran down my spine as I put the pieces together. Nervous, and full of fear, I asked Crystal if he was okay.

Her response was simple, just two words, and they echo through my head even to this day. “He’s dead.”

Such a simple response sent me to the edge of insanity and beyond, all within a few minutes. I didn’t even need to ask, I knew that he must have killed himself. Sure enough the next words I hear from Crystal are that he had left a note addressed to me. He had left behind no other note to his family, or his true friends. Only me.

Without bothering to wake my parents to tell them that I was leaving, I got into my car and drove to Ayden’s house. The house is surprisingly very dark. There’s a police car parked in the driveway, along with an ambulance, and I can see Ayden’s mother speaking to the officer inside. She’s clearly breaking into hysterics, unable to cope with what had just happened.

I find Crystal standing outside waiting for me with the envelope. She explains to me that Ayden had shot himself in the head, waking his mother from her sleep. By the time she reached for the phone to dial 911, he was already dead.

I realize that I’m fighting back tears as she tells me all this. How could I have let this happen? Why didn’t I tell someone about it? He needed help, and I didn’t do anything for him!

Crystal interrupts my thoughts and hands me the envelope. She tells me that she would help me read it if I needed the help, but I tell her that I’d like to be alone. She obeys and heads back inside to console Ayden’s mother.

Grasping the envelope tightly, I climb back into my car and just stare at it for a while. My name, Caleb, was written neatly in black ink on the outside. Slowly I begin opening the letter, my hands shaking the entire time.

After a painstaking ordeal, I finally manage to remove the sheet of paper from the envelope. I instantly recognize the paper in my hand. A few years ago I had given Ayden stationary with penguins on it for his birthday. Penguins had always been his favorite animal, and I could never quite understand why. Yet here in my hands I held that same penguin stationary from over three years ago. Trembling I unfold the piece of paper in my hands, feeling uncontrollable tears finally pushing their way past the surface.

Caleb,

I’m sure you of all people knew that something was wrong. I could never hide anything from you in the past, and I’m sure that even though we weren’t speaking to each other anymore, I still couldn’t hide things from you. I’m sorry that things have come to this. If you’re reading this letter it probably means I’ve died, well have killed myself…. I’ve probably only hurt you more than I had previously, and I’m sorry for that as well…

God this probably just sounds like the ramblings of a mad man. But I couldn’t send the truth to my parents, to my friends. You were one of the only true friends I ever had and I pushed you away because I got scared. As time drew on, I realized that I never should’ve pushed you away. You gave me everything. You gave me happiness, a friend to rely on, and you even gave me your love. I never appreciated it until I realized how empty I felt without it.

Now you’re probably really confused I’m sure… I’m sorry Caleb. I’m sorry I pushed you away, only to keep pretending myself… I loved you Caleb, and I always will… But I couldn’t live with myself anymore… I couldn’t keep pretending… Ever since I was born my life has been a lie… I had to do it… I had to leave everything behind… Perhaps I’ll see you in the future…. Although I’m probably in hell now, and I know you’ll never end up here…Nevermind…. Goodbye…..

Ayden

Rage and disappointment course through my body. That stupid fool, throwing his life away over something so trivial as loving someone he had previously denied. And why couldn’t he have just said something? Especially since he already knew that I had caught on to the fact he was so upset.

I crumple the letter and throw it at the passenger seat of my car. Tears are now flowing freely down my face, and I feel myself collapse onto my steering wheel. Why did he have to be so stupid? Why did he have to leave…

Hours later, Crystal comes back outside, only to find me still there, sitting in my car crying. She offers to let me spend the night, or what’s left of it, at her house, and reluctantly I agree. Neither of us sleep that night, we stay awake, exchanging stories about Ayden, and trying to laugh during one of the most awful times of our lives.

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