Santorexia, A Poem

By Young Han Lester

AKA “Molly, I swear I’m Not Trying To Steal Your Idea”

Many creatures in life a layer of blubber do wear

From walrus to Oprah to white polar bear

And on the North Pole ‘twas once considered treason

To suggest that St. Nick go thin on the holiday season

Yet the Missus did this, after much huffing and heaving

And told the good saint that she soon would be leaving

For mid-coitus his fat oft made her despair

As he tried to go down her chimney with care

And if his pounds didn’t melt faster than Frosty’s head

Then like her libido would their marriage be dead

Claus gave a salute, and vowed to Ms. Kringle

That his tongue would not caress even one more Pringle

He jumped jacks and counted carbs and other diety stuff

Doing whatever he could to reduce his Christmasy fluff

But used to only ever working one night of the year

He wanted results fast, and he wanted them here

So he decided to take actions decidedly hasty

He went to the bathroom for diets less tasty

Plunging into toilet, not into chimney head-first

From Santa’s mouth then did a wave of vomit doth burst

Cel’ry sticks and milk and Christmas cookie dough

All flood forth from the communist elf Eskimo

And woe, some did splatter on the nativity scene

Giving poor baby Jesus a bile-thick sheen

And after doing this (and spewing this) all day and night

Santa came out quite a bit more light

His eyes bulging out, his skin dry and dangling

He gave up walking and took up sliding and gangling

For Mrs. Claus considered an Ethiopian better for sex

Than a healthy husband with a stomach convex

But when they went to the bedroom ready to consummate

The Kringles encountered a cruel twist of fate

As Santa delivered some fine cunnilingus

He found a hunger worthy of 12 randy Incas

And in his mad munching, he gasped to discover

That he’d accidentally devoured his too-picky lover

Then burping, and patting his belly once-again fatter

He decided ‘twas best to forget the whole matter

Sitting down by the fire, fat and without woe

Our friend Santa Claus cried out “ho-ho-ho”