Author's Note: I am by no means propagating or soliciting an offer to sell or buy a Xanga. Any misspellings in this document were intentional, so please do not review me if you are looking to superimpose your Leet Grammarian Skills on me. Any other reviews, however, will be warmly received. Also, none of this section was meant to insult anyone of any religious group, so if you are of anyone of any religious group, do yourself a favor and bake yourself a batch of garlic knots.

Cheers!

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There are still many people out there who are not aware of what a Xanga is. But phear not. I will enlighten you.

A Xanga is a virtual record-keeping device in which one divulges the contents of one’s soul to passing strangers. There, one is just another faceless, boring, poor-excuse-for-space shlub who broadcasts this proudly, albeit unintentionally.

A Xanga, if one has the misfortune of procuring one, becomes one’s life source. The ‘Create Account!’ button (stumbled across during the registration process) is a virtual contract between the user and the website moderator that he (or she) has full rights to one’s soul and everything corresponding with it (i.e. one’s pets, cars, printers, carpeting, family, refrigerators, etc.), or basically: just about everything in existence. Clicking that ‘Create Account!’ button leases one’s very own existence to some unknown third-party for no fee at all. Or, if one feels it is time to buy this product in exchange for one’s soul, one would invest in a Premium Account. While this makes absolutely no logical sense, people have been known to do this, particularly to purify themselves of fairly harmless banner ads; banner ads which would otherwise diminish the efficiency of their sites by some unknown means. Some say (quote), “Allah made me do it.”

The ‘Create Account!’ button is an entirely fascinating entity in and of itself. It attempts to emanate a cheerful façade, hence the ‘!’ following ‘Account’. Do not be fooled, however. By unknowingly clicking this falsely amused phrase, one is doomed eternally to following the cult rituals of Xanga (i.e. writing in it), joining various inner-cults (a.k.a. ‘Blogrings’), and basically mucking through life attempting to find and create things to write about in this newly acquired Xanga.

Navigating through the Ever-Popularity-Gaining Site of The Xanga (said at this point with a regal intonation) one would do well to purchase oneself a map. That, or to run (or move one’s cursor) with intense velocity to The Xanga’s FAQ section, which happens to be the only properly functional part of the site. If one has a problem, one will most likely find the solution there, or at least a semi-helpful link, that might lead one in the right direction (or off of the site, in more fortunate cases).

We have not yet come upon the most important prospect of owning an account on the Ever-Popularity-Gaining Site of The Xanga (once again said with a regal intonation and possibly adding a fanfare): interacting with its other account holders. This may actually prove to be a more daunting task than at first noticed. Browsing through random ‘blogs’ (the most unattractive name for a written journal entry) one of even the most miniscule IQ might find it difficult to cope with the monstrosities he (or she) is likely to stumble across. Some examples: Black text against an atrociously dark background thoughtlessly gouging out its reader’s eyes; Light Pink text spreading phrases such as “lolz”, “we chylld dis weeknd”, “omgz itz so weerd i tink dat mayb im dum”, etc. infinitely across the screen like badly designed pop-ups; and the ostentatiously philosophical views of average, boring teenagers, whom for the most part cannot cook a potato let alone spew forth valuable analyses on life.

In other words, if one wishes to tread into the world of The Xanga (a title shortened due to tiring brought about by the author’s exhaustingly long and pretentious sentences) they must be prepared for a grueling physical, mental, and spiritual journey. If any or all of these concepts seem vaguely intriguing and thusly tempting, I urge one to go out, secure a set of professional knee cushioning, elbow and wrist pads, and a helmet, and Embrace The Xanga.