Thus comes the inevitable conclusion of Episode Eight

The ride jolted down the track much to the joy of everyone, that everyone except Lisa and Darian. Lisa because she was hopelessly jumpy and Darian becomes years of hallucinatory drugs had made him hopelessly paranoid and ruined his ability to perceive distance. “Agh there are huge spiders inches from my face. Don’t let them get in my Fro, I can’t deal with another fro infestation I just can’t”

“Is he ruining this for anyone else?” Lisa asked and the other three nodded.

“Stupid druggee,” Tanya and Jewel hissed under their breath.

The ride lurched around a corner and Lisa screamed as a giant snake taller than ten Dalai Lama zombies standing on each other’s shoulders raised its head at them in a violent hiss. “Lisa,” Tanya snorted, “You realize that snake’s just cheap animatron—,” but couldn’t finish before the snake took Lisa between its jaws and slithered through a hole in the wall.

“Ahhh!” Lisa screamed barely muffled by the armchair sized snakehead around her body, “Save me Harry Potter! Save me! Save me like you saved that one chick. Ahhhh!”

“That was unexpected,” Jewel laughed heartily. Getting odd stares from Tanya and Gerald, “What its funny.” More stares, “Sheesh go stare at Darian.” Darian was now freaking out about the arrows stuck in his body from the air jets being shot from the wall so it wasn’t hard for them to turn their attention away from Jewel.

The ride continued on and just as the four of them (Lisa was missing but no one really cared all that much) were about to go across the drawbridge Gerald shouted, “Look, in the eye of the skull! It’s the rainbow bunny!” And so it was, standing in the empty eye socket of an oversized plastic skull illuminated by the light of a hundred fake fires.

“Oh my god! There it is,” Darian shouted.

“Yeah you just had to announce that to the everyone, you couldn’t have whispered or anything. Totally didn’t screw that one up,” Tanya went on sarcastically as she stared daggers (sharp pointy ones) at Gerald.

“Oops,” he shrugged innocently as a crazed Darian took off his seat belt to run after the bunny.

“There’s only one way we can get there before him!” Jewel said standing up, “Alfonzo! Come to me!”

….crickets….

Tanya scowled and then shouted at the top of her lungs Alfonzo if you don’t get your ass down here we won’t feed you for a week!”

The ceiling crumbled as the flying sumo wrestler crashed through the roof landing in front of Tanya, “HAI!”

“See, you just need to know how to sweet talk him,” Tanya grinned getting on his back, “Alfonzo away!”

….crickets….

“What the fuck! Why the hell does it work when Lisa says it,” Tanya guffawed.

Jewel jumped on Alfonzo’s back next to Tanya and produced a long stick with a Hershey bar tied to the end of it and swung it in front of the sumo wrestlers face. Alfonzo tried to reach and began jumping up and down trying to get it, “See he just needs to be sweet talked.”

“Shut up,” Tanya pouted, “If this idea of yours is so great how come he isn’t flying.”

Jewel stared, “Tanya you know as well as I do Alfonzo can only fly with one person on his back.”

Tanya stared for a moment, “Are you saying I’m fat?”

“What? No!” Jewel replied quickly.

“Okay so only one of us can fly I can take over from here,” Tanya said snatching the Hershey bar from Jewel.

Jewel looked ready to cry, “But its my mission…” she whined quietly.

“Yes but I’m much better at kicking ass than you,” Tanya replied.

“But its my mission, can’t I save the world this one time,” Jewel pleaded her eyes getting big as she pouted.

“You don’t know how to fly Alfonzo,” Tanya argued.

“Neither do you.”

“Yes well I learn quickly on my feet,” Tanya justified.

“Please let me save the world pretty please with a cherry on top,” Jewel begged.

“Hey the bad guy is almost in grabbing distance of the bunny!” Gerald warned them and sure enough Darian was clambering steadily closer to the bunny.

“Hurry Jewel, get off,” Tanya began but was interrupted as and pissed off Jewel shouted to kingdom come causing all objects made of glass in a two mile radius to shatter.

“Damn it Tanya it’s my mission! Now get the fuck off Alfonzo so I can thwart evil. So I can thwart evil. Its always you or Lisa no Jewel just the ditsy comedy bit, well I want to save the world and I’m going to save it now!” Jewel screamed grabbing the Alfonzo bait.

Tanya was stunned and speechless.

“Meow,” Jewel purred posing cute and Tanya fainted; even she couldn’t switch moods that fast.

With Tanya off his back Alfonzo jetted off blindly in the air reaching for the candy. “Eep!” Jewel squeaked but luckily Alfonzo didn’t crash but merely got stuck in the eye socket next to the one the bunny was sitting in. Darian seeing that his foe was so close to what he had already begun thinking of as his hallucinogenic bunny made a mad grab for it but Jewel pounced hissing and they both caught hold of it at the same time. They squeezed the bunny but oddly the bunny was very slimy and popped into the air out of their clutches and into the arms of Tanya who had made a mad rush to catch it.

“EEWWWW!” Jewel, Tanya, and Darian spat as they looked at their hands now covered with multi-hued slimy substance.

Just then Lisa was carried into the room by a rather smug looking Harry Potter, “Not to be modest or anything,” he announced, “But I just saved… oh shit.”

Tanya was furious and quickly pushed the slimy bunny into Gerald’s hands (“Eww”) and walked over to her boyfriend and best friend.

“This isn’t what it looks like,” Lisa explained hastily getting out of the young wizards arms not wanting to come between that lovers quarrel, “I’m just to lazy to walk.”

“Yeah babe it was nothing,” Harry shrugged.

“Yeah I bet it was nothing in the broom closet too!” Tanya growled, “We are so through. I tired of you going out and saving any hussy with a pair of tits and…”

As Harry was totally getting railed on by Tanya (as well as bitch slapped between syllables) Gerald asked Lisa, “Aren’t you offended your friend just called you a hussy.”

“Yeah but it isn’t true so I don’t mind,” Lisa shrugged.

“What kind of logic is that?” Gerald asked dumbfounded.

Tanya finished off her break up with a very polite and dignified explosion charm that blasted Harry right out of the ride.

“Sorry it had to go that way,” Lisa said patting her friend’s shoulder.

“Oh its alright,” Tanya sighed, “He’s cute and all, but he’s just gotten so damn emo in the past year; I was going to break it off sooner or later anyways.”

“Can we get back to important things,” jewel cried, “My hands are covered with icky stuff!”

“It’s a rainbow,” Darian moaned, “I’m not gay though! Except for that one time, but it was a threesome and I swear I had to do it. One must be able to perform in a threesome but ewww its on my hands I use those for thing thinga thingy things!”

“Stupid druggee blithering,” Lisa grumbled under her breath.

“But seriously, what the fuck is this shit?” Tanya asked looking at her hands.

“Hmm let me see,” Lisa said looking at the mysterious substance on Tanya’s hands that was coating everyone’s hands but her own.

“I’ll do an analysis,” Gerald said getting out his hand held computing device with one hand and keeping tight hold on the bunny in his other, “my hand held can process and detect over three hundred million different compounds it could take awhile but--,”

“AH HA!” Lisa shouted.

“But-But But my technology and-and and you’re an idiot…” Gerald gasped totally astonished that Lisa had already deduced what the shit on everyone’s hands is.

“Hey!” Tanya snapped, “Only me and Jewel are allowed to call Lisa an idiot.”

“Yeah!” Jewel chorused perfectly forming and pronouncing the word gaining quick points for that perfect enunciation. She grasps on to the subject and adds to it opinion wise, like she’s agreeing and at the same time stating that ‘yeah only me and Tanya can call Lisa that’. Outstanding. Overall it was a little high pitched but with lots of personality and dare I say it, spunk. She is definitely in the same league as the true ‘yeah’ champ but lets see if she can beat the unprecedented score of Tanya’s last “yeah”… Judges?

10 8 9 7 9 10 9 9

Ooh it’s a close one but those truly are scores not to be scoffed at. I think the girl did quite a good job for her first go at it, and with practice I believe she can become the true contender I believe she has the potential to be.

“Its drugs isn’t it!” Darian asked hopefully and began licking the colored stuff off his hands.

“Nope its Acrylics,” Lisa said and then did some shifty eyes for added drama, “Cheap acrylics.”

“You mean the stupid bunny was just painted all this time!” Tanya huffed and then crossed her arms.

“I wouldn’t cross your arms if I were you,” Lisa tried to warn her.

“Wh--?” Tanya began lifting her arms and looking at her chest where there were now twin streaks of acrylic paint along the sides of her breasts, “Aw fuck.”

“Oh don’t listen to Liser sweetie,” Darian added, “Its an improvement.”

Tanya was too shocked that he said the magic word to even yell at him for even daring to call her sweetie, “Fuck now Lisa’s going to use her really gay super power.” And sure enough Lisa’s eyes were glowing blue and orange.

“Don’t call me,” she started her tongue suddenly growing to long for her mouth, “LISER!!!!” With that her tongue grew a hundred feet long and she began bitch slapping Darian with her over sized tongue until he was beaten into submission and Lisa’s rage over being called that vile nickname had subsided.

“So that’s it?” Gerald asked, “Her tongue grows really long? That’s kind of gay.”

“And it only grows that long when she’s called… you know what,” Jewel whispered.

“You know who?” Lord Voldemort asked suddenly appearing in a cloud of gray green smoke, “did somebody allude to my--,” Tanya interrupted him with a firm resounding smack to the head with a frying pan.

“I think that’s enough Harry Potter pop-ins for one day,” she said firmly as she stood over the dark lords unconscious body.

“Why did somebody call for a Mary Poppins?” Mary Poppins asked happily gliding down from the sky with her umbrella.

“Maybe if we ignore her she’ll go away,” Jewel whispered and the others agreed and avoided looking at the woman who settled herself in a lounge chair she managed to pull out of her bag.

“Tanya,” Lisa snapped suddenly, “Why is Alfonzo stuck in the eye hole of that giant skull?”

Tanya pointed at Jewel. “Traitor.” Jewel mumbled.

“Its okay,” Lisa said with ground teeth one of her eyes twitching, “I can let it go. I can let it go. You had no choice. Let it go Lisa. Let. It. Go.” With that last note she punched a small hole in a wall.

“I don’t get it,” Gerald sighed, “We went through all this to get a painted bunny. I mean it’s not even a painted rainbow bunny…”

“Why my dear chap,” Mary Poppins interrupted, “Did it ever occur to you that perhaps the locals simply painted a bunch of otherwise worthless normal bunnies to take advantage of the hippy drug movement commercially?”

“What!” Tanya, Jewel, and Lisa shouted.

“How do you know this anyways?” Gerald asked, after all he lived there and he hadn’t known.

“Because I’m Buddha.”

….crickets…

“Tanya,” Lisa said moving on, “Please hand me that dud bunny so I can grease Alfonzo out of there and we can get on our merry way.”

After Lisa managed to get her sumo wrestler out of the skull they all clambered back into the Indy jeep to finish off their ride. They were getting towards the end when they got to the part where the animatronic Indiana Jones was hanging on a rope when all of a sudden Michael leaped in through the roof. “No one saves Jewel but me!” he shouted.

“Sure don’t mention the rest of us,” Lisa sighed crossing her arms as she and the others watch the assassin attacking the cheap dummy. The four of the smiled happily as they saw the bolder start rolling towards them.

“Oh shit,” Michael muttered before leaping off somewhere in the shadows.

“Finally,” Lisa sighed, “Was it just me or did that episode just drag on forever…”

AN/ Tanya call meeeeeee PlEASE I missssss you Cries