CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Bella waited impatiently in the upstairs office, looking towards Grey’s house. It was already ten o’ five; he was late. She couldn’t really figure out why she was so antsy about the whole thing. It was pure impulse to ask Grey if he would go with her, but she wasn’t sure why she wanted him there. He would just have to wait in the lobby the whole time; it seemed oddly comforting.

Across the street, Bella saw Grey walk off his porch, making his way across the lawn towards the street. Bella passed a hand over her hair before turning away from the window, going to the office door. Helen was in the bathroom, putting on some makeup for Jerry. She didn’t seem to consider where Bella was going.

The sound of the knock on the door traveled up the stairs, and Helen just poked her head out as Bella left.

“If that’s Jerry, will you let him in?” Helen asked. Bella just rolled her eyes. Jerry had a key to the house, why would she have to invite him in?

“I’m seeing dad today,” she called.

“What?” Helen hadn’t heard her.

“Bye.” She opened the front door, meeting Grey’s gaze as he offered a meek smile.

“Hi,” he said, stepping back while Bella grabbed her keys.

“Is it okay if we take my car?” she asked quietly, stepping out into the cold.

“Sure, if I can drive,” Grey replied with a smirk. He was trying to lighten the mood, but Bella didn’t feel like joking around. She just handed over the keys and walked down the porch.

They were silent while Grey started the engine and turned on the heat. The vents blew out lukewarm air, making Bella shiver and pull her sleeves over her hands.

“So how long has it been since you saw your dad?” Grey asked, fiddling with the end of his black and white scarf.

“The usual month,” Bella replied. Grey just nodded, trying the radio knob. Fuzzy sound crackled through the speakers, and there was no reception on any station. Grey finally gave up with a sigh.

“This thing really is a piece of shit,” he said, pulling out of the driveway.

“It does the job,” Bella mumbled, staring out the window. She was starting to wish they had taken Grey’s motorcycle. At least there was an excuse for no conversation in that situation.

Bella let Grey drive without giving directions. He’d seen the place before on one occasion, after her father had been admitted.

There was little ice on the streets; mostly slush. Bella wished for an excuse not to go, but guilty conscience wouldn’t let her. Little snow fell from the sky, signaling one of those still, frigid days. Bella shivered and looked at Grey. He had his eyes on the road, both hands on the steering wheel as if he were a new driver. His black nail polish was severely chipped, his eyeliner applied in the usual way. It looked like he hadn’t had much sleep, judging by his eyes, which were slightly bloodshot. Bella smiled softly at all of this, everything that made up Grey—the one best friend she really had. As her eyes wandered down to his lips, she wondered what would happen now. She knew what she wanted, but that wasn’t the question. She was just reliving what had gone on when Grey turned to look at her.

“Are you okay?” he asked. His eyes were already back on the road.

“Yeah—I’m fine,” she replied, sitting up straight. She realized they were pulling into the clinic.

Grey pulled into a parking space near the front, killing the engine abruptly and looking to Bella. “Well, should I stay in here or what?”

“No, you can come in if you want,” she replied, unbuckling herself. “There’s a waiting room. It’s too cold out here.”

“They won’t care if I just sit there?” Grey asked when they stood outside the car.

“No, no, people do it all the time,” she assured. The last thing she wanted was for him to leave.

The sitting area was empty when the two of them walked in. Grey silently beckoned to one of the chairs, and Bella nodded, going towards the front desk. She signed in, giving the receptionist a weak smile before heading towards the door leading to the Community Room. She glanced back at Grey, and he raised his eyebrows at her, drumming his hands on his knees. At least he understood.

Her father, Walter, was sitting at the small table near the door with a pack of cards in his hands, as usual. He smiled at Bella, seeming oddly eager to talk to her.

“Hey, sweetheart,” he said as Bella sat across from him.

“Hi, dad,” she replied, as was ritual. He started to divvy out the cards.

“So . . . how’s your mother?” he asked as they started a game of War.

“Good, she’s been working,” Bella said, taking two cards.

“And you? Having a good break?”

“Yeah, pretty good.” She didn’t mention it was over.

“Have you and Grey been hanging out?”

“Yeah, as usual.”

Walter laughed quietly, something new in the normal conversation. Bella looked up at him, noticing he still had a faint smile on his face. She acted like nothing happened.

“You two aren’t at it yet, are you?” Walter asked. Bella looked at him sharply, wondering what was so funny. “I’m only curious, I’ve got to be up-to-date when I’m out of here.”

“What do you mean?” Bella asked slowly. He was supposed to be in the clinic for much longer.

“I found my own place, Bella,” Walter said, lowering his cards. “It’s this place downtown. Great view, nice neighborhood. I wanted to be out of here by Thanksgiving, or Christmas at the latest.”

Bella said nothing, letting one of Grey’s songs go through her head. She remember the song You. The lyrics were still clear in her mind, and she repeated what she knew in her head.

“I got a job, too,” Walter went on. He had put his cards down and was looking at her. She put a card down and waited.

“It’s your turn,” she said when Walter didn’t move.

“Honey, I want you to come visit me when I’m out. You can spend weekends with me.”

Surprising anger started to build up inside Bella, and she wouldn’t give up the game.

“Put your card down, dad,” she said. It had only been fifteen minutes and he was already impossible to bear. How could he even suggest his ideas?

“I want to make things up to you, Bella.” Walter lay his hand over hers, resting over her card. Bella wrenched her hand away, staring at him hard. He looked at her with a sort of plea in his gray eyes, smiling meekly. Was this the face of the father he had been long before his drinking days? Bella couldn’t remember. All she knew was the hurt he caused, all the stress, and the scar on her shoulder seemed to burn. She looked at his hands, remembering what he had done.

“I have to go.” Bella stood, her chair scraping against he floor. She turned so Walter couldn’t see the tears filling her eyes, threatening to fall. She wasn’t sure why she was crying.

“Bella, wait.” There was a hint of a parental authority in his voice, but it wasn’t enough to stop her. It was as if he chose to forget what had happened.

Bella went down the hall, staying as close to the wall as possible. She could hear her father walking after her, and she kept her head down, wanting to reach the waiting room as fast as she could. Grey would still be there, and he would ward off Walter.

“Bella, stop.” He grabbed her arm, startling her as she pulled out of his familiar grip. He seemed surprised at her reaction. “We need to start over. Just redo some things.”

“You can’t redo that, Walter,” Bella replied, her voice choked as her tears streaked down her cheeks. He stared at her, almost angry. She had never called him that, and probably sounded more like Helen than herself. But she couldn’t force herself to care for his feelings.

Her vision was completely blurred when she walked into the waiting room. Grey was mindlessly flipping through a magazine when Bella passed, going straight out the door. Bella knew he would follow; she just needed to get out of the clinic.

Outside, the cold air made her cheeks burn as she went to her car. She heard the clinic doors open again, and heard Walter’s voice echo off the pavement.

“Bella! Isabel!”

She looked over her shoulder back to the door. Grey was coming across the parking lot, looking confused. Walter stood at the door with one of the security guards behind him. Bella only glared as the wind blew.

“I’m not coming back,” she whispered, hoping the words would carry. Even if he didn’t hear it, the change in Walter’s face told her he knew what she said.

“Hey, what happened?” Grey asked, putting a hand to her shoulder. Bella just shook her head, going back to the car.

Grey didn’t ask questions and started the car. Bella closed her eyes when they passed the door. She knew Walter was still there. She opened her eyes again when they drove along the road away from the clinic. Her eyelashes felt heavy with tears. Grey glanced at her and put on the turning signal, pulling onto an empty street. He turned off the car, leaving the heat on even though it started to cool almost immediately.

“What happened?” he asked, turning in his seat to face her.

Bella paused, catching her breath. “He seems to think I can just forget everything he did.”

Grey nodded slowly, pulling at a thick strand of his hair. “He still thinks you’ll treat him like a dad.”

“Yeah.” Her shoulder still felt like it was burning, and she unconsciously reached up to knead the spot. Grey watched her for a minute, then put an arm around her, pulling her as close as the gearshift would allow. He pressed his lips to her temple as she held him tight, his jacket cool against her hands.

“Don’t you wish you could drown sometimes?” he said quietly.

Bella remembered the first time he had said that, and she had disagreed then. It was one of those joined family camping trips by the river. Paul brought the beer and Walter, Tina and Helen insisted on sleeping in the car, and Bella and Grey would share a sleeping bag. It didn’t matter how old they were or who they were with. They slept outside the tent to see the stars for once, rain or clear skies.

Bella remembered everything smelled like rain and moss. They always went walking through the river, and Grey was just stepping into a deeper part of the slow-moving water. Bella held back, her jeans rolled up to her thighs, the current tugging at her calves.

“God, it’s so fucking cold,” Grey had said as the water went up to his stomach, soaking most of his shirt. “Come on, you have to get a little wet.”

“This is good, thanks,” Bella laughed. She drifted to a dry rock under one of the trees growing almost in the river. The water was deepest next to her, but clear enough to see the bottom. Grey had dunked his head under and his eyeliner bled down his cheeks. He let out a huge sigh as he leaned against the rock. Bella had smiled down at him when he closed his eyes. She reached out to wipe away the dark lines on his cheeks. Thinking back to the moment, she knew there were always those intimate feelings for him.

Grey had opened his eyes and looked up at her solemnly. “Don’t you just wish you could drown sometimes?”

At the time, Bella thought it was a morbid thing to say, and laughed a little, looking at the water. “No, I happen to like breathing.”

She knew what it meant now. Looking out the window, Bella missed the greenery under the snow. She could almost hear the river running. Yes, sometimes she did just want to drown. Now, all she wanted was to forget breathing and drown in Grey.

Bella stared at her dashboard clock as she touched Grey’s cheek. He pressed his face against her palm, kissing her head and wrist until she really kissed him. It was a kiss of comfort, of reassurance. Bella found comfort with Grey’s hands cupping her face, with his hands in her hair, at her waist and in her own hand. Everything about that moment let her forget. From the way Grey tilted his head to slightly kiss her harder, to the way he gently caught her bottom lip with his teeth. Bella thought she heard the ice outside cracking as it melted.

“Let’s find something constructive to do,” Grey said when they pulled away. “Any suggestions?”

“Anywhere away from home,” Bella replied. Grey nodded and started the car again. He held Bella’s hand as he drove, never having to really let go.

He drove downtown and stopped at the bowling alley. Bella hadn’t been there since junior high, but she didn’t ask questions. Grey waited for her at the sidewalk, took her hand again and walked inside.

It was dark and hot and the only light came from the black lights and the neon balls. Grey led Bella back towards the walled off bar to the small table area in weak lighting. Bella sat down at a table and waited while Grey went for drinks. He brought back scalding cider too hot to really drink. Bella muttered a thanks and pressed her palms against the warm foam cup while Grey lit a cigarette.

“So—what are you going to do?” he asked.

“I’m not visiting him anymore,” Bella said. “It may hurt my mom or whatever, but if she really cares, she can see him once a month herself. I’m not living with him.”

“You shouldn’t have to see him if you don’t want to,” Grey replied. “If he loves you so much, he shouldn’t have been a drunken fucker.”

“I know,” Bella said. “Even before he wasn’t a good father.”

“I remember. He was always a drinker though, wasn’t he?”

“Pretty much.”

“He’d always get sort of trashed on those camping trips. My dad used to complain that Walter always drank all the beer.”

Bella smiled a little, watching the smoke rise from Grey’s cigarette. He took a few more drags before putting it out and trying to drink his cider. Bella managed to guzzle some of hers, causing the tip of her tongue to go numb.

“You don’t really have to go home, do you?” Grey asked after burning his lips.

“No, Jerry’s there to keep my mom busy,” Bella replied.

“Feel like watching a movie?”

Bella smiled at the thought and agreed, suddenly anxious to be alone with him. He seemed restless anyway.

Jerry’s car was in the driveway when Grey pulled up. Bella didn’t even bother going in, and they went straight to Grey’s, where no one was home. She felt particularly comfortable in Grey’s room with all of the familiar smells and the atmosphere, dirty clothes and all. She immediately collapsed on Grey’s bed while he pushed the TV in the right direction. Bella let him choose the movie, waiting until he kicked off his shoes and lay next to her.

“The classics will mediate anyone,” he said, holding up the cover to The Lost Boys. Bella just laughed. She was glad Grey knew how to made any tension disappear, even with an 80’s vampire movie. He lay with little space between them, and Bella finally pulled his arm over her navel, lighting touching her lips to his knuckles. She could lie there for hours.

By the time the movie was over, Paul and Tina were home. Jerry’s car was still parked outside, but Bella was close to passing out in pure exhaustion. Grey was close, too. His eyes were continually closing throughout the movie, and Bella could feel his even, deep breathing against her back. When the credits finally rolled, she sat up, looking down at Grey.

“Grey,” she called quietly. He replied with a grunt, otherwise not moving. “I should go home for awhile. And you look like you’re tired.”

“Yeah,” Grey replied, smiling as he opened his eyes. “But you can’t stay?”

“I’m two seconds away, Grey. Come over when you wake up,” Bella laughed.

“I will.”

Bella bent down and gave him a short, lingering kiss before crossing the room to the hall. Despite being tired, she felt completely elated. She couldn’t wait until Grey got up.