A/N: This is my first attempt at putting something on fictionpress. I'm not demanding reviews, but I do like them! -

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Chapter 1: Those Here and Gone

My day had been bad. The worst. Everything had gone wrong at once. I was awoken by the news that my father had had a heart attack and died in his sleep. Still in shock, I knew I would be better off at school with those closest to me. When I finally got to school first block was already over, meaning no Lilli or Dillon. (Oh, how I wanted to see them.) I had an evil test in English over everything we've done so far. A practice for finals next week. Sure the amount of stuff we’ve done didn’t add up to much, but it was still more then I could ever hope to remember.

On my way to advisory I was pushed from behind and apparently hit my head on something because when I opened my eyes I was in Mrs. Kelley's office with a splitting headache. (Lilli had seen me go down and when I didn't get back up she enlisted Mr. Wilson to carry me to Mrs. Kelley's office in the chorus room.) I hadn't told Lilli about my dad yet. I hadn't told anyone. I looked around Mrs. Kelley's office and found Lilli talking in the doorway with Mrs. Kelley; I knew that it had gotten out. They saw I was awake and rushed to my side. No words, just hugs were exchanged. The tears began to fall down my face. Sobs escaped my throat as they shook my body violently. Not now, I thought. Oh God not now!

"Don't hold back," Lilli whispered in my ear. "Let the tears come." And they did. Lilli held me as tears poured down my face and sobs shook my body. Oh God. He’s gone… Time flew by as I let myself release the tears that I had tried to keep hidden.

Knowing that they didn’t need this, I pulled myself together and tried desperately to see the room around me. Mrs. Kelley was still there, sitting quietly in her chair, her blue mother's eyes telling me that everything would be okay. "Lilli," I whispered.

Lilli looked me over with her hazel eyes and waited. "You should go to class," I said, a little stronger.

"No," I knew nothing would changer her mind, but I gave it a try.

"You shouldn't miss your class," I said, stronger still.

"Rose," she scolded.

"Lilliana," I tried to mimic her voice and failed miserably.

"Girls," Mrs. Kelley grabbed our attention. "Lilli, she's right you shouldn't miss class. Considering though that it is fourth block, that means you are with me."

"It's fourth block?!" I jumped to my feet. The room started to spin and the next thing I knew I was opening my eyes, yet again on the comfortable couch.

A moan escaped. My body hurt more now than it had before. Lilli was kneeling on the floor next to the couch stroking my thick auburn hair. Mrs. Kelley was nowhere to be seen. "What happened?" I croaked. I knew I had blacked out, but for how long I didn't know.

"You passed out hunny," she couldn't bring herself to look me in the eye.

"For how long?" No sarcasm, she didn't need that.

"Not long. Maybe five minutes." She continued to stroke my hair.

"Ugh." I was disgusted with my weakness.

"How's your head?" She pushed my hair out of my face.

"It's fine," I lied.

"Liar," she said. "You hit the ground hard. Twice!"

“Heh. Yeah, well, I'm okay. I have to go to class." This time I stood up more slowly. The room only wobbled this time. Lilli clutched my elbow and tried to guide me back to the couch, but I wouldn't budge.

"Rose, you need to take care of yourself," Lilli continued to try to get me to the couch.

"I'm fine," the words I used to answer her slipped out without thought.

"Rose!" she winced. "You're not fine! With everything that's happened. Then this! I'm surprised you came today. I never would have..." She trailed off and I knew she was thinking, What if?

"I'm fine," I insisted. I know I'm not fine. But I have to pretend. I have to pretend that I'm rolling with the punches. That the death of my daddy didn't just bring my world crashing down. I have to pretend that I'm not all alone. I have to pretend I want to be here. I have to pretend that I don't want Lilli to stay with me, to protect me. I have to pretend...

"Don't shut me out." She started to well up. "Rose I can't help you if you won't let me. Please let me help you!" I gave her half of what she wanted, I sat down.

"Lilli, I'm okay," I insisted. The all-so-familiar numbness was coming into play. "Where did Mrs. Kelley go?"

"She went to the nurse to get some pain killers for when you woke up," Lilli's voice was soft.

"Can she do that?" It seemed like there would be some rule preventing it.

"I'd like to see someone try to stop her," there was a little humor in

Lilli's voice.

"No kidding," I chuckled. No real humor, just the reaction that seemed most appropriate.

We sat in silence for a few minutes. My mind was racing. Do I cry? Do I hold it in? Do I do a little of both? I can trust Lilli. Can I trust myself? Will Mrs. Kelley understand that I don't want to go back to class?

"Rose," Lilli whispered.

"Mmmmm," I looked over at the one person who knew all of my past.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Her voice told me just how hurt she was.

"I didn't tell anyone," I said.

"Why? Why couldn't you tell me? I thought you trusted me..." he voice abandoned her.

"I do trust you.” I had hurt the one person I trusted above all others. "Telling someone... telling anyone... I would be admitting... admitting... he's gone." My last words were so faint I couldn't even hear them. The tears came again. "I'm so sorry," I whispered. Back into Lilli's arms I lost it again. He's gone. He's gone for good. My daddy isn't going to be at my voice recital. He won't be there for my prom next year. He won't see me date again. He won't help me pick a college. He won't be there for me if I don't get into the college I want. He won't see me graduate. He won't walk me down the aisle if I ever get married. He won't be there for my father-daughter dance. He won't see his grandchildren. He's gone. He's really gone. With each new thought the crying got worse.

"Oh hunny," Lilli held me close. "Don't think like that."

"Huh?" I was confused.

"He may be gone, but his memory lives on," Lilli said.

I had thought I had kept my fears to myself. Apparently the wall between my brain and my mouth had collapsed.

Mrs. Kelley entered back into the office holding a water bottle and a pair of some sort of painkillers. I pulled myself together and gladly took the painkillers. "Thank you," I said to neither one, but to both. How do they put up with me? What is the reason they care so much about me? I'm not worth it.

"Rose. I have some bad news," for the first time all day I looked into Mrs. Kelley's eyes.

"Give it to me straight," I said bluntly.

"There was an accident," she paused for a split second. 'Oh God no!' "Your mother's car was hit head on by a car going the opposite direction. The driver had fallen asleep. Your mother and Chase didn't feel anything. Rose I am so sorry." In on motion she was hugging me. I just sat there.

'Is this some sick joke? Is this someone's idea of a game? There is no way I could loose both parents and my brother in the same day. I must be sleeping. Someone wake me up! Please! My pleading went unanswered. I still sat on the couch wrapped in a Mrs. Kelley coat.

"How did you find out?" I still sat unmoving, waiting to be woken up.

She let me go and tried to look into my eyes, I was spacing out. "Officer White ran into me in the hall," she paused. "He was on his way here to tell you. He asked me if I thought that you would handle it better from someone you knew. I thought you might. Rose I am so sorry." Again I was wrapped in a Mrs. Kelley coat.

What did I do? Did I cause this? It must be me. Nothing else could have caused this. I don't deserve to live. That was when the thought first surfaced. I don't deserve to be here when they're not. No. Don't think like that. You have your whole life ahead of you. You can make it through.

Mrs. Kelley let me go and walked out of her office in tears. Lilli moved closer to me. "I'm not gonna leave you. I'm staying right here. You don't have to go through this alone. I'm not gonna leave you."

A pair of tears rolled down my cheeks. Not only for those I lost, but also for the one determined not to lose me. She is a saint. How can she care about me? How can anyone care about me? I don't deserve their love. I don't deserve to live... Don't think that way! You are gonna be okay. Fighting with myself I didn't notice Mrs. Kelley re-enter the office. She touched my arm. Startled, I looked up at her. I looked to her for some sort of April fools exclamation, even though it was nowhere near April.

"Rose." Oh please! No more bad news! "You are welcome to stay here. I can stay here with you. Or I can leave you here with Lilli." Mrs. Kelley looked deep into my eyes. Into my soul. Can she know? Can she know how empty I feel?

"I don't care," I muttered.

"Then I am gonna stay." She looked deeper into my eyes. Her eyes though, stayed gentle and caring. She sat down in her chair and rolled it a little closer to the couch. "How are you feeling?" She truly was concerned; it was evident in her voice.

How can I answer her? I don't feel anything. I don't think it's sunk in yet. Why am I not feeling anything? "My head is a little sore. My back is tender. I'm dizzy. Otherwise not bad." Maybe she'll let me get away with that answer.

"The pain killers should kick in soon. The dizziness, I don't know, take it easy." Mrs. Kelley looked sympathetically at me.

"I'm dizzy a lot. I can cope with dizzy," I nodded.

Silence. Lilli sat beside me. Mrs. Kelley sat in her chair. No one said anything. What are they thinking? Do they think I'm heartless? I looked at the clock, 1:04. What am I going to do? Go home? Who am I gonna stay with? Am I going to have to go to a new high school? I don't wanna leave Lilli. I don't want to leave Mrs. Kelley. I don't want to leave Dillon, or Jade, or anyone else. I don't want to be alone. Again with the leaking! Lilli pulled me in and yet again I bawled on her shoulder. How can I be so weak? I pulled away and covered my face with my hands. Lilli rubbed my back and pulled gently on my shoulder to get me to lie down across her lap. I allowed myself to be moved and continued to bawl. What would I do without her? We haven’t even been friends a year and here I am, bawling on her lap like we’ve been friends since birth.

"I'm right here." The strength she had baffled me. She was having a horrid weak… a horrid year… So much is going wrong for her. Yet here I am. Weak. Broken. Again. She doesn't need this. She doesn't need me. No one needs a bawling teenage girl. Fog surrounded my mind as I cried.