Chapter 13: Two New Carpets and a Dash of Doubt

"Take it slow," Lilli scolded.

"But it's such a nice day! I want to get outside and smell the fresh air!" I pleaded with my chestnut eyes.

"If you push yourself too far you'll end up back in that hospital bed," Lilli warned. I sat down in one of the chairs and sighed heavily. She's so worried. I wish she would just trust that I'm going to be fine. Then again with the amount of time she's seen me lying in that bed anyone would worry. I don't even really understand why she hasn't just abandoned me. I'm too much of a hassle to deal with. It's nearly a month that I've been here. Nearly a month she's been visiting me everyday even though her parents were both... displeased with that. I can only imagine how they're taking the news that she's a lesbian... ugh... that word. Why couldn't they have picked something gentler? It's so harsh. I'm sure I'll adapt with time. But her parents... her father... What will he do? What has he done? Whatever their reaction she doesn't seem to care... Lilli was packing my things away into a large tan suitcase. The fluffy white teddy bear I got from her for my birthday sat on top as she zipped it closed. "Is that all dearest?" Lilli asked, turning to face me.

"Yeah. I think that's it. Sit and relax love, I can check the room for the rest of it," I said as I stood up.

"Nonsense. Sit back down. I'll check. You need to rest," Lilli insisted.

"I have been resting for far too long. I can help. I need to help. I'm going stir-crazy," I rolled my eyes.

"Hush, love. You can help me unpack. I just want to get you out of here without anything happening. I want you to be able to go home," Lilli said the word "home" with a warm and comforting quality. She walked over to where I was sitting and placed a kiss on the top of my head. "I don't want to see you in that bed anymore..."

"Alright. I'll be good. I'll sit quietly and leave quietly. You won't have to see me in that bed anymore, my angel," I relaxed into the chair. I took her hand from her side and brought it to my lips. This really has been awful for her. To see me here has been an awful kind of torture.

"Thank you," she whispered. She ran her fingers through my hair. I sat quietly as she looked around my room checking to make sure that we hadn't forgotten to pack anything. "All set sweetie. We can leave just as soon as the doctor comes back to triple check on you." Just as she finished her sentence the doctor came through the door. "Speak of the devil," she laughed.

"I thought my ear was ringing,” replied the doctor. He checked me over head to toe and paused for a moment. "You are all set to leave. The psych ward doesn't even think you need to stay. They said your... attempt... was just an emotional overload and that under normal circumstances you would never try that. You're too cheerful, they said. I want to know how someone who originally comes in with slit wrists is pronounced "too cheerful" in just under a month. Oh well, as long as you're feeling better." The doctor smiled at me and then looked over at Lilli. "You make sure she takes it easy for a while. After that just make sure she takes care of herself. Good luck, by the way. I heard your father talking about the fact that his daughter was dating another girl. I'm just guessing it's this stubborn little one. Personally I think you make a great couple, as long as you can get her to take better care of herself." He winked at Lilli.

"I'll make her take better care of herself. For me," Lilli smiled in my direction.

"Anything for you, darling," I rolled my eyes and then giggled.

"Go home," the doctor said. "Go home and stay out of the hospital for a while. Please."

"Don't worry. I really would rather not be here," I chuckled.

That was that. I got to go home... finally.

---

The house looked empty, almost hollow. Dad's ugly green van was gone, my car was covered in snow, and Pam's car wasn't in the driveway. It was only two-thirty, of course she wouldn't be home yet. Melanie was probably sitting on the couch watching some talk show. But still the house looked empty. Empty and sad. Lilli helped me out of her car and grabbed my suitcase with her free hand. "Welcome home, my love," she cooed. I breathed in deeply and started up the walkway. It only took a few steps but it seemed like forever from the car to the top of the steps.

"Can I do this on my own?" I looked into Lilli's eyes and just waited for a response.

"Of course, hunny."

I reached up and grasped the handle of the screen door. I pulled it open and, in what seemed like slow motion, opened the door and stepped into the entryway. Spanky barked wildly. "Spanky, knock it off!" I barked as if I had not been away for a month. Spanky's ears went back and he laid down on the carpet at the top of the stairs. "Good boy." The carpet was a different color. Pam must have gotten a new carpet to get rid of Will's blood... I made my way up the stairs and Spanky moved out of my way. Melanie was not on the couch. The T.V. was not on. She must be after school for a club, or something. I took my time walking down to my bedroom, expecting to see a blood splattered carpet there, unlike in the living room. Stepping into my room, though I noticed another new carpet. She must not have wanted to remind me of that day... Two tears splashed down my cheeks. Lilli placed my suitcase on my bed and wrapped her arms around me. "I thought I'd cried these poor eyes dry," I whispered.

"I know hunny, I know. It's okay," She whispered back. Lilli wiped away the tears that had fallen and kissed my damp cheek. "I love you."

"I love you, too... But are you sure I'm what you want? Are you sure you want this mess of a person before you? I won't blame you or hate you if you walk right out of that door right this..." Lilli placed her finger on my lips to quiet me.

"Must we do this everyday? I love you. I'm not going to leave just because you have a past. I have a past too. Everyone has a past. We are meant to be together. This is where I belong, right here in your arms. I love you and nothing is EVER going to change that," She insisted. This time the kiss was placed on my lips.

"But..." and again she kissed me.

"No 'But's. I love you. That's all the reason I need to stick around." Lilli pulled me closer. Safe… oh so safe… Why must I try to push her away? She’s so perfect for me. Why must I fight it? If she didn’t love me she wouldn’t have stuck around this long. Just relax, you idiot. Let her love you.

“I’m sorry, love. I’m just not used to something going right,” I sighed.

“I know, dearest. But get used to it. Because this is going to be going right for a very long time.”

Lilli and I put away the contents of my suitcase and I was wiped out after that short period of exertion. I grabbed a movie and put it in so that Lilli and I could just relax. I fell asleep (complete with drooling) on her shoulder in less then ten minutes.