i didn’t mean to cry. it was an accident. everyone seemed to think i was sad- but i wasn’t. there was no possible way i could have been sad. i was completely overwhelmed with happiness.

you sang. it was the first time you sang for me. and i couldn’t help it. i hugged you, and you sang softly in my ear. that’s when the tears came.

i don’t know if it was your voice, or maybe the lyrics of the song playing, or the merriment of the evening, but whatever it was, i cried, and i had the hardest time stopping. the tears kept coming, and they came so fast and thick and so real.

there was only a moment of sadness. it was when i thought of leaving you, and the others, any of you. it made me so sad, the tears started again, right when i’d almost managed to stop them. how could i ever leave any of you? you’re the most important people in my life- sometimes i think i depend on you all more than i depend on my parents. there’s no way in hell i could leave you. i don’t want this year to end. i want to spend the rest of my life with you. i don’t care if there are more people out there to meat, more friends i could have- different friends- no, i don’t want anyone else other than the friends i have now. you keep me alive. you make sure that i don’t do anything, that i stay safe and sane, and i do the same for you.

even as i write this, the backs of my eyes are fat and full with tears.

i’m listening to the song.

I really am unprepared for anything other than what’s in my life. you really all are absolutely beautiful. i don’t i ever have or ever will be as scared as i am now. when this year is over, i’ll write you every day, or at least i’ll mean too. i’ll aim for once a week, it’s more realistic. ha, this is my pathetic bouquet of clumsy words- if i could write something more graceful, i would. really, i’ve never been this scared. you’re so important to me.

how i wish you were here.