My friends don't think that coming out is a big deal.
It is a big deal.
I remember the day that I woke up just sick of lying to people, and to myself. I had to tell someone what I was feeling. The thing is, you can't just tell anyone. You have to be accepted, especially by the first person you tell. I decided on my friend Riley, who was bi. If she didn't accept me that'd be pretty sad. I remember that I was so scared of telling her, so scared of saying it out loud. But I did. She was surprised, but accepting at least. And I had jumped the first hurdle of telling someone about myself.
I told a few more people, close friends, who were all accepting. I think it was probably easier on me because they already had Riley out, and they were used to it. And for once, I felt that I was being honest to everyone around me. I could tell them about the girls I liked, we could make jokes about it, and everything was carefree.
But this was just with about 10 people.
I remember this one day in study hall; Riley and I were being really obvious about everything. Two of the people at our table didn't know about me, but they both guessed. It kind of freaked me out that no one had even suspected the year before, but now they could guess after 20 minutes of listening to me talk. I decided not to be so obvious- AKA not to be so honest.
It isn't normal. That's what my parents say. They claim it's a phase, just this thing I'll grow out of. Won't they be disappointed to find out that this is me?
That I really am a lesbian?
Yes, they will be. They raised me to be a good Catholic girl. The night I came out to my mom she apologized for failing me.
She hadn't failed me before that, but on that night she did, with that comment. All the "I love you no matter what's" didn't matter. She thought she failed me.
That broke my heart.
So I walked around with a broken heart, staying silent, pretending that everything was fine, that everything was going great. Nothing was great, and nothing was fine, but I was trapped like that.
The thing is, so many of my friends have their own problems. A lot of them are really big problems. And mine didn't seem so big in comparison to them. "Your parents think they failed you? Oh, well my dad raped me." And that sucked.
Couldn't I talk to Riley? She would understand, right?
Yeah, she did, but I couldn't tell her everything. I didn't know how to say it. Her mom hates her anyway, so my parents were at least better than hers. Then she threw a party and this girl she liked spent the night. In the same bed. Nothing happened, but you can see how that would have been a little weird the next day in school. The girl wouldn't talk to Riley.
You may say omigod, its Riley's fault; she shouldn't have even gotten into bed with her. Yeah, okay, that's true, and I'm not going to tell the whole story cause it's not mine to tell, but Riley asked the girl if it was okay, and she said it was. She shouldn't have said it was if it really wasn't.
I saw her heart was broken. I helped her with her problems (at least I hope I did) and she didn't need to hear mine.
The thing is, I couldn't bear to see her like that. I felt helpless though, I had no idea what to do or what to say. And then I realized that I thought about her all the time. Did I like Riley?
From the way I got extremely jealous over her "sleeping" with that girl, I'd say yes.
I didn't tell anyone that I liked her either. I thought it was better left unsaid. But then my friend Marie asked me straight up if I liked her. And I said yes. Marie told me to tell her. Tell Riley I liked her?
Omigod, NO! Marie bugged me, and gave me a billion reasons that I should tell her. I gave in. I told her.
Talk about awkward.
Nothing happened. I'm not even sure what I wanted to happen. But we didn't- we still don't- talk like we used to.
And that was sad, because I felt like I ruined something good. A good friendship. Gone?
And then I was sick of it. I didn't want to lie anymore.
But there was no way I could tell everyone. I didn't want to be called a dyke every time I walked down the hallway.
So much for being out and proud.