Let’s see, how to start a story like this… I think we should start at the beginning.

A long time ago, longer before the Romans, the Arabs, and a HELL of a long time ago than the French, back before “long” was just a word yet to be invented, there was nothing.

Then a really, really, really, old guy named God said “Let there be light”

And there was light.

There was still nothing, but you could see it a lot better.

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Then God got instantly bored with nothing and decided that there would be something… But what would that something be? He had many choices to make “something”. He could make additions to heaven for one. He could also make something he’d been hiding in his back pocket from all the angels, called it “Planets”.

Well, since heaven wasn’t overcrowded now, so he decided to do the second idea.

He started with one planet. It was a regular sized blue and green planet. He made oceans, He made land, He even (half-and-half) made what was soon to be New Jersey. He did all of this in 6 days. And, let’s face it, even God needs a rest. So, on day seven, he took a rest, looking over what he created.

Then one day, God got REALLLY BORED with the planet He created. So, He decided to create, from his own body, a man. His name was Adam. He looked pretty plain looking, except for the fact that he was naked. He had messy black hair, dark green eyes, and was pretty muscular too.

Adam lived for a few weeks in the land of paradise that God had created for him, living with the animals. From the majestic eagle, to the stupid platypus. To the singing manatee in the seas, to the porcupines on the ground.

But like God, Adam got bored quickly. You see, until like, the Dark Ages, the world was pretty damn boring.

So, God decided to spice things up a little bit. While Adam was sleeping, God decided to perform surgery on Adam’s left rib. Don’t worry, Adam had spare ribs.

When Adam awoke the next morning, he not only had a scar the size of Rhode Island, he was the first to have the morning-after after a one night stand, waking up to a beautiful woman in his bed.

Adam was struck by the beauty of this woman. He led her out of the room and outside.

“God, thank you” Adam said. “Thank you for the beautiful woman you’ve created for me.”

“Hey, you’re welcome” God said. “You two can live in paradise here together. But you just gotta promise me one thing.”

“Name it” Adam said.

“You see that tree over there?” God said, pointing to a large apple tree.

“Yes” Eve said.

She can talk? Adam thought.

“Well, I kinda can’t allow you to eat the apples from the tree” God said. “Apart from that, go nuts”

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So for the next few weeks, Adam and Eve lived together harmoniously.

Now, in the case of logic, something that the Catholic Church has a REALLY hard time with, I’m gonna skip ahead a week, when it all happened.

“ADAM, EVE!!” God bellowed, shaking an angry finger at Adam and Eve. “You have broken the promise you made to me! Get out!”

God banished Adam and Eve out of paradise forever. He sent the snake down to a new project created especially for the devil. “Hell” He called it.

And that my friends, is the story of the beginning of the world.

But why you’re really here is the story about the END of the world, right? Well, for that, we’re gonna have to start further, MUCH further, ahead in time. Say about…last Wednesday. A day and three weeks before the end. An end that would outmatch ANY Douglas Adams book. And an and that only I could tell. How would I know? Well, I was there. My name is Adam Johnson. And this is my story.