It had taken him all afternoon to find her

I went through some severe break up stuff and couldn’t bring myself to write a love story…I apologize to my characters, because they are going to feel the brunt of my pent up anger…and sadness

And I’m hearing what you say
But I just can’t make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you’re sorry
You didn’t think that I’d turn around, and say
That it’s too late to apologize...

Apologize – One Republic

It started coming back to him in waves—his relationship with Cassidy, his not being in the right place at the time and the way in which he hurt her. It was coupled by the fact that she was asking for too much from him, and he was dealing with his own morbid battles with his family.

For some reason, Dillon always felt as if he were wronging her by being with her. She was so kind and patient to him, that it hurt his entire being whenever he fled back into his selfishness. During a fight with his parents, he would become severely depressed and purposely ignored her. As he realized more and more that he was hurting her, he broke up with her…sort of. He couldn’t actually tell her that they were over so he did the next best thing and, at the time, he felt that it was the right thing to do. He just didn’t want to hurt her any longer and his selfishness was clouding her…corrupting her…changing her…but when he released her, her anger completely exploded and she became a bitch to him. It was the last thing he expected.

He tried to shake his head as if that would help his thoughts become clearer. If anything, it made Dillon more confused. He took a breath and decided to take a mental step back and really inspect the relationship…and then, he felt sick as realization dawned on him…oh shit.

I still love you…her admission rung in his head.

His head hurt and nothing made sense any longer. His thoughts flew at him in pieces so that he couldn’t completely grasp the entire situation.

Tess…she had been there and they were so much alike that he had…and right after…he was confused. He had been tied to Cassidy for a good 8 months and had felt their relationship so completely fragile—he was afraid that he had depended on her so much, and she depended on him only…and because she was so close, it was so easy to hurt her. He didn’t even blink when he yelled at her to keep away or just left her to herself for days or ignored her calls…she was always there. She would never show her tears to him, but he could see how red her eyes had gotten.

It just wasn’t right.

For months, he tried to stop himself from taking it out on her, but it would burst at random times. He would find himself in a rage and his tongue…it would start wagging out of its own violation, and the last thing he would see was Cassidy return a shaky smile before she would turn on her heel and exit his presence.

Unbelievably bad was what he felt whenever he saw her, so he made a resolution to make her get over him by being a creep. That way, she would forget about him and go—but, it didn’t turn out that way.

Tess, though. She wasn’t involved, she was new…he felt that he could start over and because they were so much alike, he felt that he could ignore the small fact that he did not love her as much as he loved Cassidy.

A sudden fear seized him. After all this time, her admittance of still being in love with him—how much in love? Frantically, he began searching for Cassidy, hoping that he would find her before anything drastic happened. He needed to talk to her—to explain.

The night had come so abruptly, the cold seeping into her and making her shiver. Frantically, she searched for any place that was open so she could escape into some sort of shelter, but she knew that it was impossible. Most of the small shops around the campus closed at about 6:00 PM and it was already 7:42 PM. The only place that she could go to was her apartment and that was a foreboding thought. She had made up her mind that she would no longer look back upon that place just in case Dillon was there. She had been running into him an awful lot and didn’t want to chance another meeting.

Tess had once asked her if it was a subconscious move on Cassidy’s part. To pick a place filled with Dillon’s friends, chasing after one of Dillon’s hated enemies and living with Dillon’s ex…wasn’t it just too convenient? Cassidy strongly denied it saying that she wasn’t that big of a masochist…at least, not outwardly.

“Cassidy?”

It was a startled voice that broke her out of her thoughts. Blinking back a few tears she looked down into the concerned face of Jordan who was dressed in a green apron. Her black eyes, often warm and inviting, were now pools of apprehension and weariness. Slowly, those eyes began to change as a soft smile began to form around Jordan’s lips. Suddenly, Cassidy felt herself being pulled into that smile and realized that her heart, which had been so frosty since the morning’s activities, was starting to warm up.

“What are you doing out here? It’s freezing! Here, come inside.” Jordan said as she shoved a piece of paper into her pocket.

As Jordan talked, she led Cassidy down an alley and fished keys out of her pocket. After a few paces, Jordan stopped in front of an old decrepit door. Carefully, she put the key into the lock and turned. A heavy thump sounded in Cassidy’s ears and suddenly the door swung open, revealing a small, but luxurious coffee shop. Leather booths lined the walls and green plants were scattered around. At the opposite end of the entrance, there was a small stage with a lone stool and a microphone stand placed to the side.

Jordan walked up to the stage and leaned against it. Smiling as brightly as she could, she said, “So what brings you around these parts,” she waved her arms about her as if only indicating the small store in which they currently resided. Cassidy’s eyes traveled about the well worn out coffee place. Despite its ugly décor, it had a quality…a lived in quality…a history that touched Cassidy’s heart.

Returning the smile, Cassidy merely shrugged. Following Jordan’s lead, she shut the door behind her and walked up to the stage. “Just out for a stroll and to think.”

Jordan frowned slightly and after a pregnant pause in the conversation, she said bluntly, “Whatever you were thinking of must have been powerfully sad.”

It felt as if the wind had been knocked out of her lungs. Cassidy tried to stare at Jordan blankly, wondering mildly if the other girl was a mind reader then decided against that. “H-how did you know?”

The dark haired girl flicked the area between Cassidy’s eyebrows and Cassidy screeched loudly. Jordan looked almost remorseful that she did that…Almost. As Cassidy backed away a little more, Jordan said, “That’s how. When you frown, you get a little crease right there, and it tells me all I need to know.”

A frown marred Cassidy’s face. Dillon would always read her so easily, but never let her know how he knew. Sometimes, he would just reply in a vague manner and other times, he would just dismiss her. However, to be completely honest with herself, that was one of the things that she loved about Dillon—he knew her when she didn’t have to say too much. “You’re a bit observant, aren’t you?” she finally whispered in a resigned voice.

“More or less,” Jordan smiled. “Do you want a cup of coffee?”

It was an abrupt change of topic and Cassidy, rather than pursue Jordan’s admission, decided to follow the dark haired girl’s lead. It was just easier to follow… “Yes, please.”

“I’ll be right back.”

As Jordan left, Cassidy had more time to collect her thoughts. The last place she possibly thought she’d be was in some back alley coffee shop talking with someone she had considered her nemesis almost three months previously. Folding her hands behind her head, she tried to calm down as best as she could. Cassidy could feel her emotions bubbling up and ready to spill. Soon, she realized, she would face problems that she had long since been running from.

“Here,” Jordan said brightly while handing Cassidy a coffee mug filled with steamy, rich smelling coffee.

“Thanks.”

“It should be good—I’m not a huge coffee drinker, preferring hot cocoa myself.” As Jordan said that, she lifted up her own mug and took a gulp.

Cassidy sipped the strong liquid. It warmed her entire body as it slid down her throat and into the pit of her stomach. It was such a powerful calming effect that a full on sigh escaped her lips. “It’s comforting,” she sighed.

“That’s because I put ether in it.”

Shock registered in Cassidy’s eyes before she realized that Jordan was attempting humor. “I thought you were serious for a second.”

“Ha-ha. I’m a college student. There’s no way in the world that I can afford ether.”

Laughing. Cassidy realized that she was laughing and was a bit shocked. What with all the tragic events that seemed to be occurring, laughter was the last thing that she thought she would ever do.

After a few moments, the laughter died down and they were left with silence. Cassidy glanced at Jordan beneath her lashes and sighed. After a few sips of coffee, Cassidy said, “Jordan, can I ask you something?”

Jordan sat on the stage and placed her mug between her knees. Her long dark hair slid across her face, hiding those strange, dark eyes. “What?”

“How do you find happiness?”

Jordan took a slow swig from her drink before saying, “Well, that’s a pretty philosophical question. What brings it up?”

Contemplating on whether to tell the other girl the truth, Cassidy decided on a slightly cryptic answer. “The fact that I can’t seem to find it on my own is pretty much the reason.”

“Ah, well, I don’t know if I could answer it for you. After all, everyone’s happiness is different.”

“That’s true.”

She felt something along the lines of disappointment and when Cassidy realized that she had wanted a more substantial answer, Jordan smiled and said, “Let me ask you one thing, though.” Jordan paused as she took another mouthful of her drink. “When was the last time that you were truly happy?”

It was a simple question, but it was one that Cassidy found she had no answer to. Disguising her lack of answer with another sip of coffee, she began to think of all the events that led her to where she was at that moment. There was none that really stood out to her, except for—

A blush colored Cassidy’s cheeks.

“That appears to be something,” Jordan remarked, her black eyes calmly taking in Cassidy’s demeanor. “Care to talk about it?”

“It’s a long story.”

“That’s okay.” Jordan declared as she switched positions so that she lay on her stomach and propped her chin on her hand. “I have nothing but time.”

It was freshman year and Cassidy was at a loss. She had been at the school for almost two months and still she felt like she didn’t fit in. In her dorms, she was always being looked over, jostled and shunned by the prettier girls, and made fun of by the boys. She had spoken several times to her Residential Advisor who offered her random bits of advice on how to fit in, but would, most of the time, be checking up on his email rather than paying her any attention. At school, she was always playing constant catch up with her work. She felt like she was getting buried in everything and was drowning with no one to help her. It wasn’t what she was expecting. She thought that college would be a chance where she could start over, and to her horror, she found that she was nothing special.

Her mother, when she had a chance to talk to her, would say the same words of encouragement. “School isn’t a place to learn. It’s about networking.”

“But Mom, I want a good education—”

“Cass, you’re not smart enough to accomplish anything.”

“Mom?”

“You’re only hope is to find a man to save you.”

Jordan snorted.

Cassidy looked up from telling her story, a questioning look apparent on her face.

“Sorry,” muttered Jordan, a blush staining her cheeks. She genuinely looked embarrassed. “It’s just that—you’re mom, no offense, is a huge, vacuous cunt.”

It was almost impossible not to take offense to a statement like that. “What?”

“It sounds like your mom has her own issues and is trying to push her beliefs onto you. Am I wrong?”

Cassidy was about to defend her mother, when she realized that what Jordan said was surprisingly true. Why else would her mom say that a husband was important rather than love? And, why did Cassidy full on believe the words from someone who was twisted and malicious such as her mother?

“But I shouldn’t have called her a cunt—” Jordan sipped her cocoa and then grinned. “Or at least a vacuous one. Please, continue with your story.”

A nervous laugh escaped Cassidy’s lips. “I’m sorry; I seem to be telling you a sad tale. You asked me for a happy moment, and I’m giving you something that didn’t make me happy.”

Jordan shrugged. “There’s a reason you started there…Hell, sometimes you find answers in the midst of tragedy. Please continue.”

Tired, depressed, and lonely, Cassidy walked through the cafeteria with a tray in her hand. She dumped whatever food she could find onto the tray and plopped down onto a random table. Quietly, she began eating, ignoring the laughter that surrounded her.

Glancing around the rather full cafeteria, she noticed that there were groups of people, gathered together genuinely cheerful. Seeing that added to her loneliness and she felt like running away. And then, before she had a chance to move, a hand appeared before her, tapping the table.

“Cassidy, right?”

Cassidy felt completely embarrassed and, couldn’t for the life of her, look up into the person’s eyes. “Yeah,” she muttered while staring straight forward.

“You’re on my floor. I’m Dillon.”

A meek noise of acknowledgement escaped her lips.

“Mind if I sit with you?”

“N—no.”

“Okay. Let me just get my food and I’ll join you.”

“Is that the Dillon that I know?” Jordan interrupted.

“Yeah.”

Jordan’s face remained stoic. Cassidy tilted her head, wanting to figure out what was going on in the other girl’s head, but decided to continue the story instead.

He sat across from her and commented on little things that passed his fancy. She remained quiet, listening to him babble, but paying more attention to her food than to him. After that, she left and went to class, completely frazzled with what just happened. Do people just do that? Talk to someone that they barely knew? Well, she supposed, how did she make friends back home—they were strangers at some point in her life.

The next day, he appeared once more and sat with her. He appeared to be a little shaken, as he dropped his cell phone into his back pocket. They ate in silence that time, but it felt right. She smiled at him, then, and, after a few moments, he smiled back.

The third time they ate lunch together, it had been a week since their original meeting. He had a book with him, an old one for his literary class. He was looking over it, confused, as they ate, and he finally said, “I think this writer is a douche.”

“What makes you say that?” It was one of her favorite books that he was starting to degrade and she needed to know why. It was the first time she actually joined in his idle chatter and he glanced up quickly. There was a bit of astonishment in his eye, but it was quickly concealed as they began to talk more and more.

They found out that they had things in common—his interest in current events was akin to hers as was his strange humor, she enjoyed those chats during lunch. Sometimes, the talks would continue to their dorm room where they would sit with each other for hours, doing their work or goofing off.

Through him, Cassidy met more people in the dorm. One of them was his roommate, Paul Akuji.

“Shall I leave you two alone?” Paul said one morning when she was at the door to their room. Paul had a cheery smile on his face as he gave her a knowing wink. “He likes it rough. Trust me,” Paul whispered in her ear as he passed her. It gave her a good shiver up her spine when she felt that soft rush of air—it was the first time she ever really experienced that.

“You liked Paul, didn’t you?”

Cassidy tilted her head in amazement. “How--?”

Jordan smiled. “He has that effect on women…and some men.”

As the school year began to pass by, Cassidy found herself losing interest in Paul, especially after he had introduced Gabby to her. She didn’t want to intrude in that relationship, especially seeing how strong their love was for one another. Never before had she seen something so pure…She did, however, envy it. Often, she would think about them and see their happiness…she wanted to feel it and escape her life of loneliness and solitude.

At the same time, though, her feelings for Dillon began to grow exponentially. It happened, one day, when he told her that he was going to meet a friend that night and she had inquired whether the “friend” was a male or female. There was a slight upturn to the corner of his lip, when he asked, “Why? What does it matter?”

“Well, it doesn’t.”

“Then why are you so pissed off about it?”

“I’m not pissed. I was merely curious. You’re the one blowing this entire argument out of proportion.”

They argued a little longer, before she finally got it out of him. Upon finding out that it was male she felt her entire body relax. And that was when she knew that her feelings for her friend were no longer friendly. It troubled her to know this—she didn’t want their relationship to change, especially since he was her first friend at the university. Besides, what if something went horribly wrong? Would they remain as close as they were at that very moment? And what of his feelings? Did he feel the same way for her—all of those thoughts were very troubling and gave her a massive headache.

Days later, she found herself snuggled up against him after waking up from a long study session. They had both fallen asleep on his bed and throughout the night, he had slid closer to her until his arms were around her. She turned her head to glance at him and see if he was awake. She met his eyes, those clear, all knowing depths watching her, almost unsure, as they stared down at her and slowly, his head dipped.

Their lips touched—it was so gentle, so passionate.

“We can skip that scene,” Jordan said.

Cassidy snapped back to reality and realized that she wasn’t in the safety of Dillon’s arms. Instead, she was sitting on a stage with a cup of coffee nestled between her palms. This realization was just too much and she felt a tear swell and slide down her cheek.

For a while, Jordan looked a little distressed before she turned away and whispered, “That was your happiest moment.”

“One of many with him,” Cassidy replied as she took another sip of her drink. It was already cold and didn’t taste all that good in her mouth. Still, she drank some more.

“So, you were only happy with him? That—that isn’t a great thing, you know?”

“What isn’t?”

“Because, your feelings become tied to his—whenever he’s upset, you’ll be upset…it’s unstable.”

“I don’t…I don’t know what you mean.”

“Well, tell me about some of your fights.”

They were considered an item, but he had made it perfectly clear that he just couldn’t be in a relationship at that moment of his life. He said that he was going through some personal problems and wouldn’t be able to deal with her in an appropriate way. However, her love for him was too great. She chose to deal with that problem by saying that she could just be someone he was casually seeing exclusively, but they were not officially together.

He had his reservations about that, but she just wanted to be with him and she knew that if she waited long enough, everything would get better. That was her only hope and that was her only downfall.

His bursts of anger and sadness came in waves and he would take it out on her. One second, he would be completely in love with her, and then the next second, he would be absolutely cold. Cassidy wasn’t quite sure what was going on, but it had to be something. Rather then say anything, though, she remained quiet and supportive, fighting back the anger and tears that he elicited in her.

But when he was happy, he would show her. Taking her to the movies or on a picnic or an arcade was what he usually did and each time, Cassidy would be whisked away from her depression that was caused by him to a happiness that she had never known existed—

Cassidy’s eyes clashed with Jordan’s as realization started to dawn within her.

“Oh,” Cassidy murmured.

Summer then hit, and, before he left, he told her that he loved her and that he would see her in two months.

However, two months passed and despite all her attempts to call him, he didn’t answer. She hoped he was okay, hoped that everything was fine and waited for him to come back.

She wrote long emails to him and when he wouldn’t respond right away, she could feel her sadness building up in her. Trying her best to fight them off, she would distract herself by listening to music or playing a video game, but it didn’t work. The depression would overwhelm her. About a week or so after an email sent to him, he would respond with a one sentence answer and never ask her how she felt. Whenever Cassidy did receive those emails, though, her sadness would break and she would once again return to her happy mode.

School started after those horrible two months of waiting. At first, Cassidy was disappointed to find out that he had moved to university apartments rather than stay in the dorms like she did, but that didn’t phase her for too long. She knew that once he returned to the campus, they could continue their meetings and hopefully, enter into a real relationship with him…

And then, she found out that he was with Tess.

Jordan was silent as Cassidy felt the tears on her cheeks. “And I still love him—it’s been a little more than two years and I still can’t get over him!”

A hand slid along Cassidy’s back and she felt the gentle pressure pulling her into a hug. Cassidy threw her arms around the other girl and sobbed openly on her shoulder. “Who cares how long it has been. People heal their own way, using as much time as they need in order to get through it.”

“It just hurts! It hurts so much.” Cassidy’s voice broke into more sobs.

There was a soft sigh, a soft understanding that escaped Jordan. “It can be excruciating at times, but the trick is accepting it, moving on, and severing your relationship with him for the time being. You need to heal, to find yourself again, and be with people who love you. Have you ever been away from him?”

At that point, Cassidy could no longer talk. Instead, she shook her head frantically. Not once had she taken herself out of his life, always seeing him every day, keeping an eye on him and making sure that he would always be okay. She had, after always being with him, lost a majority of her friends from back home and the few that she made during college. She felt lonely, so incredibly lonely.

“Hang out with one of your friends…maybe stay at her/his building for awhile—“

“But I don’t have anyone,” Cassidy replied truthfully. “I don’t have anyone…” her voice cracked and she fell back into sobbing.

Jordan was quiet for a long time, letting Cassidy let all the pent up tears fall.

The dark strands of Jordan’s hair fell over her face. In all honestly, she didn’t know what to tell the sobbing girl. For everyone, a break up was different. Biting her lip, though, Jordan realized something else…where Cassidy’s story began spoke of something more.

Waiting until Cassidy stopped crying, they sat in silence for a while before Jordan whispered, “Cass, why’d you start your story with you in the dorms and not talk about your absolute happiness?”

Wiping her nose on her sleeve, Cassidy replied, “I don’t know…it just seemed appropriate, like that was what tied the entire story together.”

Taking a deep breath, Jordan said, “I think it goes deeper than that…You’re happiest moment, Cass…maybe it wasn’t being with Dillon, but maybe it was because that was the moment when you realized that you weren’t alone anymore.”

Dillon leaned against the wall, the sweat pouring down his head. All day, he had searched everywhere for her, but was unable to find her. Gasping for air, he tried to think. He had checked everywhere on campus, had gone back to the apartments, had searched throughout the shopping centers, but all the stores were closed—where could she be? He had to talk to her—had to set things straight once for all.

“Damn it, Cass, where are you?” he muttered.

Pounding his head against the wall behind him, Dillon growled out a curse. He had to explain what he was going through, explain the mistakes he made and listen to her suffering. He had to make it all better because he still loved her, too.

Cassidy nearly jolted backward after hearing those words uttered. It looked as if Jordan had just burned Cassidy badly. “You’re high, Jordan. Of course my happiness is because of Dillon. He was the only one that has ever made me happy.”

“But think about it, have there been other times you have been happy when Dillon was there?” There was an almost desperation in Jordan’s voice that made Cassidy feel uneasy…almost as if the girl had gone through something similar.

Quickly, almost dismissively, Cassidy replied with a “No,” but it was more out of fear of admitting something to herself that she had long since been ignoring.

Jordan’s head was cocked to the side, a look of knowing passing through those dark eyes as she whispered, “Then what about hanging out with Jet? Didn’t those times mean anything?”

“I—” Cassidy clamped her mouth shut as her eyes glazed over, remembering all the times she and Jet would do random and aimless things. Don’t answer too hastily…listen to this girl who knows what she’s talking about, Cassidy told herself. “Yeah,” she finally admitted. “I really did have fun with him.”

“And before you met Dillon, I’m pretty sure you had fun times…Dillon wasn’t the beginning of your happiness, nor is he the end of it.”

“But right now, my thoughts…” Cassidy shrugged, trying to search for the right words.

“You’re thoughts are completely wrapped up with him that you can’t think straight or of anything else, right?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s why you need to sever the relationship, at least for the time being until you’re fully healed, love. You need to think of you, as yourself, as your own person and find a happiness from within—again, if you depend on someone…”

Cassidy began nodding, interrupting Jordan’s words. “Yeah, yeah…I see what you’re saying…but, I don’t know what to do—I don’t know where to go…”

“There’s always a way, as long as you search for it. Come, Cass, let’s look for something that’ll help you, okay?”

It felt pointless. He couldn’t find Cassidy anywhere.

Returning to the apartment, Dillon walked in resigned. He dropped his school bag by the door and quickly sank into one of the couches. Resting his hand against his eyes, he felt a small tension headache stirring within his head. It was going to be a horrid night, he knew.

“Something wrong?”

Glancing between his stretched fingers, Dillon could see Jet munching on a ham sandwich. “No,” he murmured. “Just tired.”

Jet nodded and sank into the seat next to him. “Well, me too. It’s been a long day, hasn’t it? Almost never ending, don’t you think?”

Dillon gave him an ironic smile. “You could say that…”

“Did you find Cass?”

“No.”

Shaking his head, Jet took another bite of his sandwich. A glob of mustard fell from the bottom and splattered the top of Jet’s shirt. Jet continued eating as if he didn’t notice that the stain now existed.

“Have you seen her?”

“Yup.”

“What?” Dillon nearly jumped out of his seat and was almost prepared to bat the ham sandwich away, grab Jet by the sleeves and shake him. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You looked so trapped in a dramatic moment, that I didn’t really want to bother you.”

Not really paying attention to Jet’s tangent, Dillon nearly screamed, “Where is she?”

Sighing, Jet shrugged his shoulders. “I’m under strict orders not to tell you.”

“Who’s orders?”

“Jordan.”

Anger blossomed in the pit of Dillon’s chest and it took all his willpower not to smash Jet’s face in. “And why would she do that?” Dillon asked, tight lipped.

“Because Cassidy was crying too much to make the request on her own.”

“What?”

Before Jet could reply, Dillon had swung himself over the couch and ran to Jordan’s door. He knocked frantically, but there was no reply.

“It’s useless trying to talk to Jo right now. She’s not here…she went with Clay to some work site for the weekend,” Jet said calmly.

The curse that Dillon shouted startled Jet slightly, and he nearly dropped his sandwich. Glancing at Dillon, he was red faced and angry. “Why is nothing going right for me, today?” cried Dillon. Glancing quickly at Jet, he asked, “Is there anything else that I need to know?”

Jet shook his head, a look of uncertainty passing before his eyes. “Well, maybe.”

“Well?”

“Did I tell you that Cassidy applied to those semester abroad programs? She’s going to be leaving us in a few weeks.”

End Chapter

A/N: Again, I apologize for the long wait for the next update but after my own relationship ended, I’ve lost inspiration.