3/16/2005

Creative Writing

The Purple People Eater, (Unhornedaeropurpellehomosapienavor, to give it its scientific name) - the questioned existence of this wonderful but highly dangerous creature has plagued me forever. Of course it’s real! Just as real as fairies or Bigfoot are! But of course, no one believes me. When the school guidance counselors asked me what I wanted to do with my life, I told them I wanted to be a scientist. They seemed quite pleased until I told them that I would make it my life’s work to prove that the Purple People Eater does, in fact, exist. Even my very own parents and friends told me I was a raving lunatic! Can you imagine? And yet I’ve still stuck with the idea all of these years.

Now I finally have enough money to take a long scientific expedition into the deep reaches of the world to hunt the elusive creature! All my years of hard work and dedication have finally paid off! My lab partner, George, and I are preparing to travel the world searching for the Purple People Eater with an array of complicated technical instruments. I don’t really understand what they’re for, but George assures me that a quite complicated stereo device is necessary to broadcast the mating call of the Purple People Eater, which we have obtained from an extremely reliable source in Antarctica. Apparently there was a sighting of a whole herd of them there a few years back! Imagine! That is where we shall begin our search.

George and I are now a week into our preparations. So far George has done nothing but play his chamber music on the complicated stereo device, but I have good faith in the man. He has been my only supporter through all these years. He’s an odd fellow, George. He’s quite short and scrawny with very large glasses. And he always insists on wearing a polka-dotted tie over a plaid shirt with a knitted vest. But he is highly dedicated to the finding of the great Purple People Eater.

Amid all of the drawings of the One-Eyed-One-Horned-Flying-Purple-People-Eater covering the walls of my office, I have tacked up a map so as to plot our expedition. We shall start our search in Antarctica, and then we’ll move on to Australia and New Zealand. As the Purple People Eater can fly, it may not have stayed in Antarctica. From New Zealand we’ll go to Asia. As I have heard that the Purple People Eater enjoys teriyaki chicken, I believe that China and Japan might prove pivotal in our search. Then it’s off to Hawaii and North America. Northern Canada could provide valuable information if the Purple People Eater prefers cold climates, as it seems to. From there we’ll move to South America and search the jungles of the Amazon. The creature would blend in quite well amid the rain forests, I’m sure. Africa will be next, mainly because I’ve always wanted to see the pyramids at Giza. Maybe the Ancient Egyptians knew of the Purple People Eater! I must find out. Then we’ll go to Europe, eventually ending up here in England again. If our search proves successful, which I’ve no doubt that it will, I believe that we’ll have opened the door for searchers of creatures supposed to be fantasy. Our discoveries will shake the foundations of the world! George and I will be famous.

Besides finding our route through the world, it is my job to visit the travel agency and insurance agency to ensure our plans. Today I have an appointment with our insurance agent. I am wearing my best hat for the occasion- the one with the feathers fashioned after the tail feathers of the Purple People Eater. They are lovely- large and purple with yellow polka dots. “Cheerio, George!” I yell over the chamber music. “I’m going to nip out and get us insured for this expedition.” George yells something back in the language he made up. (He didn’t speak much in English when I first met him in high school) I believe it translates to something like, “I’ll be working with our complicated technical instruments until you get back!” Good old George.

So I step out and catch the bus. As I make my way to the top deck I notice many people admiring my hat. I pull out my knitting for the rest of the bus ride. I’m quite fond of knitting socks, especially yellow socks. I can even do stripes now. A little while later the bus pulls up to my corner. I step off and walk a bit before coming to the door of the insurance agency. It’s quite a nice place. There’s fancy gold letters in the window and they always decorate for the holidays.

“Good day! I have an appointment with Mr. Percy today, dearie.” I tell the girl behind the counter. She stares at me. “Ah, I see you’re admiring my hat!” I smile at her. “The feathers are modeled after those of the Purple People Eater! Isn’t it fantastic?” She nods and ducks behind her desk. Such a sweet girl.

I let myself into Mr. Percy’s office. You can’t miss it- there’s a large sign that says “Humphrey J. Percy, Insurance Agent” on it. Quite impressive; middle initials always make it so official. “Good day, Mr. Percy!” I announce grandly. “I’m here.”

“Oh, hello Ms. Wyndle. How can I help you today?” he asks. I sit down in the chair in front of his desk with a comfortable flop.

“I am excellent today, Mr. Percy. Do you have any idea why?” When he shakes his head I continue, smiling hugely. “I’m excellent today because George and I are taking a great scientific expedition to prove the existence of the legendary Unhornedaeropurpellehomosapienavor! Isn’t it fantastic, Mr. Percy?” I wait for him to express his amazement.

“The…what?” he asks. I sigh disappointedly.

“The One Eyed One Horned Flying Purple People Eater, Mr. Percy! Have you not heard of it?” Mr. Percy spits his coffee all over his desk and hides his face in his handkerchief at this news. The poor man seems to be crying. “There, there, Mr. Percy. I know it’s quite a stupendous thing, but there’s no need to cry. After all, I will bring you back pictures. We’re going to Antarctica, Australia and New Zealand, China and Japan, because it likes teriyaki chicken, you know-“

“Ms. Wyndle, that’s not possible.” Mr. Percy gasps amid his tears. The poor bloke is quite red in the face.

“What do you mean it’s not possible, Mr. Percy? Of course it’s possible! ‘Anything is possible if you believe in it.’ I read that on a fortune cookie the other day, Mr. Percy.”

“No, I don’t believe you understand, ma’am. We can’t insure you for a journey like that. I’m terribly sorry, but you’re not going to be able to take this trip.”

Not take the trip! No! This can’t be happening! All my years of study and research! All for naught! And what am I going to tell George? Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear…

I stand up and adjust my hat. “Well then, good day to you, Mr. Percy. When George and I become famous for our discovery of the Purple People Eater, I’ll come back here and remind you of how you wouldn’t insure me for the initial journey. You’ll regret this, sir! Good day!” And then I walked right out of Mr. Humphrey J. Percy, Insurance Agent’s office, past the giggling girl at the front desk, all the way back to the bus stop. I could hear the chamber music from my office all the way down the street. But I knew what I was going to say to George now. “George!” I yelled as I walked in the door. “George! They won’t insure us for our search for the Unhornedaeropurpellehomosapienavor! We must keep it more local. It’s time…to prove the existence of the Common Irish Leprechaun!”