Fish Cakes?!

This is the most pathetic day of my 14-year-old existence. No television, no nail polish, no Rahim, and no eyebrows. Yes, that’s right. Eyebrows. Well, they’re not completely gone, but they’re almost there.

You see, yesterday, Emily dared me to wax my eyebrows at the new spa. She paid for it, and I went in. About 10 minutes later I came out feeling like a new woman. With no eyebrows. The lady thought I said “Take it ALL off” when I said “Take a BIT off”. So now I look like an eyebrowless dolphin. Wait a tick… dolphins don’t even have eyebrows!!!

And that’s the sadnosity of my life. Oh, wait! My parents’ friends are over. And so are their kids. Oh, dear God in heaven. I can hear their little feet running up the stairs and—

“TANYA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Alona is now near me.

“Oh god get offa me!!!” I scream and book it out of the room. My mom says something that sounds like “Can you watch the kids”, but I am much too aerodynamic to hear her. I grab my coat and run out of the door.

Frig, it’s so friggin’ cold out! Ah, the things I do to escape the little monsters. Suddenly, I realize that I have about 15 minutes to think, while walking to Emily’s house. Hhmmm…. There should be a fine for fat people that wear mini skirts. Or dance pants that are slightly on the spandexy side. Why does Superman insist on wearing spandex? Is his manhood is so nonexistent that he can just go out in public and wear tiny lil’ panties? That are red?!

Huh, my school janitor has always intimidated me for some reason. Other than the reason that he lives at the school… with Mrs. Bell as a play mate. God I hate Mrs. Bell. One day, I’m gonna strangle her to death.

“Hi, is Emily home?”

It’s Jillian, Emily's older sister. God she’s tall. Emily comes bounding down the stairs, with a mouthful of paper snowflakes in her mouth. “Still haven’t taken down the Christmas decorations in your room?” I guess. She nods, and gestures for me to follow her.

As I do so, her parrot (snitch), starts singing the “Days of Our Lives” theme song. They watch that a lot. Emily leads me into the kitchen and spits out the snowflake. “Ok, so, I need you to close your eyes!” I raise what’s left over of my eyebrow. “Ok…why?”

“Just do it.”

“Ok…” a fishy taste attacks my tongue. “O my god, what in the name of all that is sweet and pure was that?! CUZ IT’S AIN’T SWEET OR PURE!!!!!”

Emily looks rather hurt, and mumbles “Those were my fish cakes…”

“Your fish cakes are horrible.” I declare, and dump all the tuna-delic goodness into her garbage.

“Ok, how about chocolate?”

“How about some eyebrow hair?”

“Is this that question game?”

“Why do you wanna know?”

“It is, isn’t it?”

“Isn’t it?”

“I dunno, is it?”

“Could you stop asking me stupid questions?”

“Can I?”

“Got milk?”

“Yah, it’s in the fri—“

“I WIN!!!!”

Emily’s too nice for her own good.

“So, how are things on the Rahim front?” Emily asks.

“Very good indeed. He called me yesterday on my cell to which me luck on my piano exam, and to talk, and said that I have an amazing figure… which I don’t.” I think about it for a while. “he’s a very good liar.”

“Well, I was just planning on how I will burn Leighton to a crisp! So far, I have this.” Emily whips out a note pad, and starts reading. “Step one; tell her how good a friend she is. Step two; give her “weight loss” pills. She’ll want those to add to her anorexia. Step three; substitute the pills for sleeping pills. Step three; Tanya helps me drag her limp body to a dumpster. Step four; set Leighton on fire. Step five; laugh hysterically, but attractively, incase Brandon comes along, and sweeps me off my feet, and carries me away to the love nest he made the minute he saw me.”

My face turns into an outraged shock. “YOU ARE SO CRAZY! That’s a great plan!” I grin. “We’ll carry it out on Friday, the 13th.”

Me and Emily both grin, and break out into the Orange Juice dance, followed by the Kleenex.