The Normality Ballad (a country and western song)

Author's Note: This ballad is entirely silly and not intended to cause offence to bearded ladies, paraplegics, vampires, pirates, glass-eaters, the Royal Navy, or Elvis.

It should've been apparent from the day that I was born

they should have called me freakshow or Lucifer's own spawn

I shouldn't be a checkout girl or selling duty-free

I don't have the equipment that they call nor-mal-it-y

No, I ain't no bearded lady and I got all the limbs I should

I don't eat broken glass and I'd be normal if I could

But nevermind the crazy shit and weird-ass things I do

No matter where I'm going I'll be coming home to you

I tried to be a vampire cos the mornings made me sick

I'm good at scaring virgins and the odd Old Country hick

But I gave it up in Memphis cos of what a tourist said

How could I be a walkin' corpse when Elvis isn't dead?

No, I ain't no bearded lady and I got all the limbs I should

I don't eat broken glass and I'd be normal if I could

But nevermind the crazy shit and weird-ass things I do

Once I've terrorized the village I'll be coming home to you

I tried to be a pirate cos I wanted lots of gold

And I've never been especially good at doing what I'm told

But I gave it up in Barbados cos of pirate men I'd see

How could I be a pirate wench when they wear more kohl than me?

No, I ain't no bearded lady and I got all the limbs I should

I don't eat broken glass and I'd be normal if I could

But nevermind the crazy shit and weird-ass things I do

Once I've fought the Royal Navy I'll be coming home to you

So I got a job with paperwork and a database to run

There's lots of havin' meetings but very little havin' fun

But if the clients get me down (and hell, you know they do)

I'll grab them by the throat and then discreetly run them through!

No, I ain't no bearded lady and I got all the limbs I should

I don't eat broken glass and I'd be normal if I could

But nevermind the crazy shit and weird-ass things I do

When the cops have taken statements I'll be coming home to you

Yeah, when the cops have taken statements I'll be coming home to you