Another school day was over, and I was sat on the train with my two best friends, Stuart and Marc. The lessons’ were enjoyable, the teachers’ were understanding and the students’ kind. It was an ideal school.

I watched as the scenery passed me by (through the window further away from me - it had the better view), occasionally contributing to the conversation but ultimately knowing that my two friends were making plans. Without me. I knew that that should have upset me, but it didn’t, and you know why? I knew that the two of them were a couple, although they hadn’t told me. Yet.

They didn’t realise that I was more observant than they thought. And more supporting than they hoped. I wouldn’t utter a single bad word about it because they were my friends, so I respected them and their choices.

Of course I’m not an idiot, I knew that they have to be careful. They’ve probably been hurt in their past, of course who hasn’t, in one way or another?

I think that a lot of people at my school have been victims, and that’s why everyone is so considerate. And I’m glad that, whilst careful, nobody is really walking on eggshells because then how could you live? Without being told you can’t really know what’s gone on in somebody’s past.

Before I knew it Stuart was getting up to leave, saying that he’d see us both tomorrow. I was getting ready to stare back into space, something which I saw as a trust and my friends’ knew this. When you were just stood/sat there, gazing into the beyond it was so easy for people to make a target of you. Not that my friends would ever do that.

Marc moved so that he was sat in the vacant seat next to me. He was an inch taller than me, which meant that I didn’t have to feel quite so short with only my 5ft6’ frame. Of course when Stuart was around I felt pretty dwarfed as seen as he was about seven or eight inches taller than me.

My friend shook his head slightly to get the brown strands of his hair out of his chocolate eyes, then smiled at me. I returned it and wondered what was on his mind, because he clearly wanted to say something.

“Go on,” I coaxed happily. I liked talking with my friends, even more so if it was banter or such because it made me feel close to them, something until fairly recently I never really knew.

“I saw you looking at that guy…” he said somewhat hesitantly. I could tell that he partly wanted to see what my reaction would be to the suggestion that guys could like guys, and partly to see if I liked guys.

And did I?

Who knew? I guess that because I hadn’t really experienced love before I didn’t know who I could and couldn’t be attracted to. I don’t think that it really mattered so long as the love was there. When I looked at my friends I really did envy their closeness. But I was happy for them, of course I was.

Marc looked at me expectantly. I smiled in an attempt to placate him and buy myself some time as I realised that I didn’t even remember seeing anybody. I’d just been looking out the window. I snuck a look at whoever my friend must have been talking about and my jaw dropped.

Silky blonde hair pulled up into a ponytail which went maybe halfway down his back, with the front parts shorter, framing his delicate looking face. He had a faint smile and was looking down at a book he was reading. As he looked up I could see his bright green eyes, as they met my more mundane seeming hazel for a moment. I blushed then looked away, wondering how I could have missed him in the first place.

“Well…” Marc prompted, seemingly having gained more confidence.

“He’s, um, very, well, attractive,” I eventually managed, blushing fiercely.

Grinning my friend urged me to go and speak to him but I shook my head. There was no way I could do a thing like that. Not in this life, not in any life.

--

For as long as I can remember I’ve hated living.

That is the thought that clings to me so long as I am awake. From the time I first open my eyes in the morning, to the time I eventually fall asleep at night. It isn’t an exaggeration, it’s a fact and as we all know such facts can’t be ignored. They won’t be ignored.

I’ve no family to speak of, just some money that’s putting me through a boarding school I loathe. It’s nothing special, God no, but it’s all I have. And I hate it. I hate the fact that I’m forced to be here, when there’s only I place I really want to be.

The teachers pity me and the students ignore me, but you know what? It doesn’t matter (well that’s a lie) because I can escape. Not in the physical sense, although there’s nothing stopping me from leaving the school, except for the knowledge that I would have nowhere to go and that scares me because as much as I cannot stand my life at least I have somewhere to sleep.

I suppose that seems rather odd, to be concerned with having a bed, more so than having food, or a roof over my head. There’s a reason though, a good one at that. My dreams are my escape, my release. In my dreams I’m liked; I’m happy for Christ’s sake!

And so that’s why, when night comes, and I’m curled up as small as can be, I can have the pretence of happiness.

--

That night, after having seen the stranger on the train, I dreamt about him.

I woke up smiling, although I felt a twinge of regret that the reality hadn’t quite been like that. But maybe, one day it would. That’s what kept me going; hope. If my two friends found love then I would as well, sooner or later.

--

When I wake up in the morning I long to sleep again, I long for the world that my dreams offer me, the exact opposite of my own existence. Things that seem unsubstantial as I wander through life, relationships for example, seem real and attainable in my dreams.

I’ve found myself going to bed earlier to try and prolong the time I sleep, and I suppose it doesn’t matter because nobody is around me to notice because I deliberately draw away from people. Of course I have a reason. Everyone does things for a reason, mostly more than a flimsy ‘because I wanted to’ as well.

Personally I’ve just learnt over the years that people only care about number one. Themselves. It’s true of my parents, my ‘friends,’ my teachers. Everyone that you’re meant to rely on. So I figure why bother with them? If I separate myself intentionally what can they do to hurt me? It’s a great theory, although in practise it’s still difficult when you see people with their brittle friendships wondering why you don’t have even that. But hey, I made a choice so I’ll stick to it.

--

I was sat in form with the rest of my class, listening to my two best friends talk, smiling at the memory of my dream. I paid enough attention to know that Marc was telling Stuart about the guy on the train and so I thoroughly checked some of my homework so I didn’t have to answer any questions.

“So, Alex, let me see if I’ve understood Marc’s description right. He looked to be taller than the two of you but shorter than I am, had long blonde hair and green eyes?”

I didn’t want to correct Stuart’s descriptions because, basically, he was right but his words lacked life, like he wasn’t really describing one of the most attractive guys I could remember seeing in all of my existence.

“So,” Stuart continued, “he looked kind of like him.” I followed his gaze and nearly fainted. It was him. The guy from the train. Stood at the front of the class and oh god, smiling at me! I tentatively returned the gesture and then the teacher, Mister Barnett, quietened the class and introduced the blonde.

“Class, this is Joseph Lewis,” the stoat teacher at the front announced.

“People normally call me Joey,” he interjected.

“Right,” the relatively old teacher said absently. To the class he said, “I’m sure you’ll make him feel welcome.” He looked around, eyes settling on the empty seat next to me. Oh god, I hope he isn’t thinking what I think he is. “There’s a vacant seat next to Alex,” he informed the new student, gesturing to where I was about ready to disappear. I couldn’t help but notice the wide grins that my two friends had as the blonde made his way to where we were sat.

“Alex, right?” he asked, and I nodded silently. I wouldn’t have been able to say anything even if I wanted. Besides I would probably just embarrass myself. I shyly glanced to where he was sat studying a piece of blue paper which I assumed was his timetable. He reminded me of when he was reading his book. Romance. Except that was only in my dream but here he was, literally the guy of my dreams, and all I could do was stare and wish I had the confidence to say something, anything, to him.

“Uh,” Joey began, saving me the trouble of having to think of a way to start a conversation. “I don’t suppose you have any of these classes?” He held out the blue piece of paper and my heart sped up as our fingers brushed slightly. It was silly but then again, I thought that I was being pretty silly so…

Glancing at the timetable I nodded. “I, um, have some of these classes. You’re with me for first period. I’ll show you to your lesson and, er, yeah.”

Joey grinned widely. “Thanks!”

There was a moment of silence. Out of the corner of my eye I could see that Marc was giving me small encouraging smiles, willing me to make a move. Or say something. I think he’d be happy with either one really.

The blonde looked at me, his head tilted, and I blushed, wondering why he was looking at me. “I saw you on the train didn’t I?” he questioned. I was torn between wanted to jump for joy because he remembered or to deny it because I was definitely staring then and that might give him the wrong impression. Right impression, because I was obsessing over him. A little.

“Uh, yeah,” I admitted and I couldn’t help the way that my mind wandered to the dream I had and I prayed that I wasn’t blushing again.

“I don’t want to seem like a stalker or something,” Joey began, “but I noticed that you got off at the station before mine so we’re not that far away from each other. It’s just that I’m new here so I don’t know anyone and you seem nice so I was wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime.” He sounded hopeful, like he really wanted to voluntarily spend time with me.

“That, that would be nice,” I decided. Part of me suspected that we’d never arrange anything but I guess I could always live in hope.

“Great!” he exclaimed, leaving me a little bewildered at the depth of his enthusiasm.

--

Lunchtime found me at the nurse’s office. I was complaining to the middle aged woman there that I was having difficulty sleeping. Sure it was a lie but she didn’t know that and that was the way it was going to stay.

My only purpose in going there was to try and obtain some sleeping pills because sometimes I woke up during the night and every moment that I wasn’t dreaming was a moment that I was spending away from my perfect life. Even now I just longed to curl up on one of the beds and just let sleep claim me. Of course it wouldn’t exactly give credence to my lie so I dismissed the idea and prepared myself to face the rest of the day, thankful that the school wasn’t exactly thorough in their diagnosing illness and distributing medicine. I probably wouldn’t have gotten anything if they were.

--

Just like every lunchtime I was sat at the table in the far corner, away from the door with Marc and Stuart. Unlike every other lunchtime there was a fourth sat with us. Joey.

He was deep in conversation with Stuart about something computer related, I don’t know, and I was pretty much staring at him, memorising the way his blonde hair was pulled out of his face with a pale blue hair-tie and the short front parts framed his face. His green eyes reflected his emotions honestly, in a way that led me to believe that everything he said, expressed, would be the complete truth.

I ate my lunch quietly, just answering any questions that were directed my way. I guess I was still too focused on a certain blonde. As if thinking about him caused him to look my way, our eyes met and he smiled brightly, even though I had definitely been caught staring.

“Do you guys mind if I ride the train with you?” Joey questioned. His query was met with ‘of course not’ and the like and I can honestly say it was a brilliant idea. Even if it meant that I might embarrass myself. Not that I wanted to jinx it but things seemed to be going well.

Marc stood up. “I’m going getting dessert, does anybody else want any?” His boyfriend nodded enthusiastically. “What a stupid question! You know I have a such a sweet tooth,” he grinned, showing his pearly whites. Shaking his head Marc told him, “I knew you would, I was on about the other two mainly. Joey?”

“Uh, yeah. Are you okay going alone?” He seemed to be so sweet, and I felt myself falling for him more. I knew for certain that I wanted the reality to be like my dream from the previous night.

“Oh, don’t worry,” Marc reassured him. “Alex is going to come help me, right?” The last part was directed at me and I immediately knew the true reason for Marc’s offer (other than he is, truly, a sweet person who wouldn’t think twice about doing things like this for his friends. Sometimes even people he didn’t know all that well.)

“Of course,” I smiled, getting up.

I followed him to the queue where he fixed his gaze upon me. “Spill,” he demanded.

“Uh…” I hesitated, not really knowing what to say. “What do you want to know?” I asked, trying to gain some insight.

“Everything!” Marc laughed. “You like him don’t you?” There was no need to ask who he was referring to.

Looking down I could tell I was blushing. “Yeah,” I mumbled. When I eventually dared to look up again the first thing I noticed was Marc’s grin. Clearly he was pleased with the news.

“That’s so great!” he exclaimed. I guess it was okay but I had a feeling that I would always to be too shy and lacking in confidence to act on my feelings so maybe it wasn’t that great. “You know,” Marc continued, “I can tell that he likes you as well.”

That certainly got my attention. “What?!” I demanded. “Why do you say that?” I asked after a moment.

“Who is the one he spends most of the time talking to? Who is the one he’s constantly casting glances at? Who is the one he wants to spend more time with? I’ll give you a clue. It isn’t me or Stuart.”

I stood staring at my friend wondering if there was even the smallest chance that he was right. I looked over to the table where the other two were sat and noticed that Joey was in fact looking towards us. As our eyes met he smiled at me, and waved, then turned back to Stuart. I was speechless. Maybe Marc knew what he was talking about, not that I had any reason to doubt him. After all he was the one who had managed to find a boyfriend, presumably without any help.

So maybe it was a great thing that I’d just discovered.

--

I was lonely. I never really admitted it but it was the truth. Sometimes I just wanted someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me that everything was okay. That they liked me. If I was really lucky that they loved me.

--

Later on, when we were all on the train, I fought so hard to resist the temptation of just curling up and resting my head on Joey’s shoulder. He was sat right next to me, and I could smell his cologne, and I just wanted to nuzzle into his side. I was amazed at just how hard I was falling for him, but I didn’t really know what to do. I’d never had a boyfriend (or girlfriend) before and the only examples I really had were Stuart and Marc.

Watching them I realised that they were more relaxed, especially since I’d cornered Stuart after lunch to tell him that I knew he and Marc were an item. A couple. That they completed each other. Somehow I knew that my other half was Joey.

“Alex?” a voice pierced my thoughts. It was Joey.

“Yeah?” I asked.

“Well I just wanted to give you this,” he handed me a slip of paper, “it’s my phone number. I’d love it if you gave me a call later on…” he smiled, looking a little nervous and unsure but once I smiled, what I’m sure was a huge kind of dopey grin, he relaxed.

“I will do,” I assured him, placing the precious paper into the breast pocket of my plain school shirt.

“Good!” he exclaimed making me happy. I took it as a (very) good sign that the thought of me ringing him pleased him so then I must indeed be in with a good chance. I’d have to remember to thank Marc for opening my eyes to the possibility that I could have a wonderful relationship like he was. Of course I knew that we weren’t actually dating but… I felt optimistic. Although I still didn’t know who was supposed to make the first move.

--

I looked at the bottle I held tightly onto. Part of me was screaming to just take all of the tablets inside and then I’d be able to sleep, uninterrupted, for as long as I wanted. Another part was saying that that was just a stupid idea. Ultimately I didn’t really care, I just wanted the voices to be quiet.

After careful consideration I just took one of the tablets, swallowing it without water, and then I curled up in my covers. They needed washing but I doubted I would get round to it anytime soon.

--

Nervously I cradled the phone to my chest. I’d looked at the phone number I’d been given so many times that I already knew it off by heart. Palms sweating slightly I punched the numbers in and listened to it ring. Realising that I had no idea what on Earth I was going to say I hastily hung up. Then felt like a moron. How would it look to Joey if I started, what appeared to be, prank calling his house? As quickly as I could I hit the redial button.

“Hello?” a female voice answered.

“Uh, hi. Is Joey there? Please,” I hurriedly added not wanting to appear rude to who I assumed was Joey’s mum.

“Joseph! Phone!” the woman yelled, then I heard a click as another phone was picked up. “I’ve got it,” Joey told his mum and I smiled to myself.

“Hi,” I repeated weakly. I really didn’t know what to say. I was only calling because Joey had asked me to and I didn’t want to disappoint him. That and the fact that it was Joey asking. Yeah I had it bad.

“Hey!” I could hear the grin in his voice. “How are you?”

“Okay. Bored,” I admitted. “There’s nothing to do here. How are you?”

“Feeling better since you called.” Boy was I glad that Joey couldn’t see me. I could feel the heat in my cheeks making me a rather embarrassing shade of pink. “Um,” he hesitated and my curiosity was piqued. I thought that Joey was really quite confident. At least when compared to me, not that it was difficult to surpass me. “If you’re bored would you like to do something?”

My heart nearly stopped before speeding up. “Do something?” I repeated dumbly.

With a laugh Joey reiterated. “Yeah, do something. You know… hang out? Have fun? I’m sure you’re familiar with the concept.”

“Of course,” I assured him, still shell-shocked that my latest (well my first) crush was willingly wanting to spend time with me. “That sounds great,” I truthfully told him, feeling a grin threaten to take over my face.

“Great!” he enthused. “I still don’t know the area well so do you mind meeting me at the train station? The one after yours.”

“That’s fine. In half an hour?”

“Forty-five minutes?”

“Okay,” I agreed, actually a little relieved as it would give me a little longer to get ready. Even though I knew that it was just him feeling lonely and wanting to get to know the area better I couldn’t help the fact that I wanted to look, well, nice for him. Despite what Marc said I didn’t think that Joey saw me as anything more than a friend but I was happy to just be near him. As cliché as that undoubtfully is.

--

‘Fuck,’ I thought as I woke up, there was no way I was going to bother going to classes. Grabbing the phone I rang the admin office to inform them that I was ill (bullshit) and didn’t feel up to attending my lessons that day and possibly for the rest of the week (three days including this one).

Satisfied that they believed me I wasted no time in getting back to sleep.

--

Forty two minutes after we’d hung up the phones I had had a shower and changed into jeans and a blue shirt which hung open to display my white t-shirt. I thought that I looked okay but normally I didn’t really put too much effort into my clothes.

Another two minutes passed where I nervously shifted from foot to foot determined that I wouldn’t keep checking my watch since Joey wasn’t even late.

Then three more minutes and so what if Joey was a little late, if two minutes even mattered which it didn’t. Besides he even admitted to not knowing his way around, he probably just underestimated the time it would take him to get from his house to the station.

After a further five minutes passed I have to confess that I was starting to wonder if he was really going to show up.

Obviously I’m not the most confident, patient person so it was a relief when Joey came jogging towards me two minutes after I contemplated when the best time to leave was.

“I’m so sorry I’m late!” he exclaimed. “I got lost…” he continued sheepishly.

Smiling I assured him that it was alright. Then asked what exactly he wanted to do.

“If you weren’t here with me what would you be doing?”

Thinking for a moment I shrugged. “I don’t know… Sitting around at home. Reading, watching telly or DVDs, just… stuff.”

Joey smiled. “Is there a cinema around here?”

“Yeah, either just over half an hour walking or… five stops along on the train. Why? Are you a big movie fan?”

“Average, just sometimes a good movie comes out and you don’t want to wait until it comes out for rental. Besides it’s a good place for dates. Do you have your rail pass with you?”

Checking the pocket of my jeans I nodded.

“Good!” he happily decided. “Do you want to go to the cinema?”

“Uh,” I hesitated, having been taken by surprise. “That would be… nice.” Of course I wondered how he went from claiming the cinema was good for dates to inviting me there. My mind didn’t quite manage to put two and two together.

--

Sleepily I looked about my room. It was a mess but that wasn’t too much of a surprise. I slept most of my free time away. Of course I wasn’t going to bother with such formalities as a tidy dorm room. Besides I was the only one who saw it, I didn’t have any friends to come round and sigh over the state of it and tell me that I would have to sort it out if I wanted them to step foot in there ever again. And I certainly had no family visiting and sticking their nose into my business. I was alone so I lived my life however I wanted.

--

Part way through the film (a comedy) something very strange happened. Although I suppose part of the blame belongs to me.

The cinema always makes me feel sleepy, the dim room and unless it’s an action film or something similar the noise is quite soothing. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve fallen asleep mid-movie at home and even a few times at the cinema. Plus Joey’s presence was sort of nice, soothing. So I found myself leaning towards him, almost resting my head on his shoulder. But before I got there Joey turned his head, smiled at me then leaned inwards. Ever so gently he pressed his lips against mine and immediately my face turned beet red.

“Was that okay?” he whispered, uncertainty apparent in his voice.

I nodded not trusting my own voice.

“Really?”

“Ye-Yeah,” I smiled.

“Now shush,” he grinned, “you’re distracting me from the film.”

--

Groggily I blinked my eyes open and immediately groaned. The clock on my bedside table told me, in glaringly bright red numbers, that it wasn’t even five a.m. yet. But here I was awake. This was happening more often than I would like and a part of my mind was saying that I was using the sleeping pills too much, that I was gaining a level of resistance to them. But all that really meant to me was that I would just have to obtain more of them.

--

Once the film ended we were assaulted by the bright light of the foyer. We discussed the film a little until the talk turned to what we should do next. Feeling, and hearing, my stomach rumble while making me a little embarrassed was a helpful hint to what we should do next.

“Do you want to go eat?” I asked.

“Sounds like a good idea,” Joey agreed.

Instinctively I walked towards the courtyard with various food chains around, not far from the cinema. It was convenient because you could go see a film then eat somewhere flashy for a special occasion or somewhere less so if it was just a casual get together. I didn’t really know if this was a special occasion or not because, well, I was spending time with Joey which was something special in my mind. Even though we sort of kissed I still didn’t really know how he felt towards me.

“Uh, is there anywhere specific you want to eat?” I enquired, thinking it would save me the pressure of choosing plus maybe I would get an idea of what kind of relationship he saw us having. All that just from where he wants to eat, kind of amusing really but I followed my own logic perfectly.

“I wouldn’t mind some steak actually. My mum and little sister are both vegetarians so it’s a pain to try and get meat at home so… yeah. I just get it when I eat out. You don’t mind right?”

Shaking my head I assured him that it was fine, and much better than him having suggested McDonalds.

A little while later we were both sat down and tucking into our meals. I’d opted for a burger complete with all the trimmings and chunky chips which I preferred over fries. As we ate I asked Joey about where he used to live and what his hobbies were. Turns out he was a city boy who was a computer whiz as well as enjoying a couple of sports (basketball and football predominately) but only as a hobby.

“But less about me,” Joey decided. “I want to know all about you.”

“Well what do you want to know?” I asked, unable to just start talking about myself (or anything really). I normally needed to be prompted in someway.

“Good question. Everything?” he suggested with a laugh.

“Believe me that wouldn’t take too long,” I confessed and Joey actually looked shocked. “I don’t believe it!” he exclaimed. “I haven’t known you that long but I know that you’re interesting, that you’re something special.”

Once more my face was blazing. I had no idea how to respond. I knew it was a compliment but beyond that… there were just no words to convey what I was feeling. Hopeful. Embarrassed (and then some). And, well, happy.

Luckily I didn’t have to say anything, Joey calling me ‘cute and adorable’ broke the silence and made my face grow an ever deeper shade of red. I hadn’t even known it was possible.

“Well what about you?” I asked, confusing Joey. “What about me?” he questioned.

“It’s just that you’re so, um, attractive so why would you hang around me?” I couldn’t help my insecurity and what was genuine interest.

“Because I like you. That’s not so strange is it?” As he spoke he leaned across the table and squeezed my hand gently. I smiled across at him and shrugged. “I like you too,” I admitted.

“So you won’t mind if I ask you to be my boyfriend right?”

“No, it would be nice.”

--

Waking up I realised that I’d been crying. I never forgot the details of my other life and I knew that the tears were ones of sadness and regret on my part. I had never had anything like that, where things just seem to flow. Just one relationship where the guy used me for sex and that was it.

Shaking my head in disbelief, “But, I, we, well we’re dating aren’t we?”

More laughter and I wanted to throw something at the bastard to make it stop. I scratched my arm as hard as I could, trying to resist the urge. Drew was a lot bigger than me.

“Nooo. We’re fucking,” he harshly enlightened me. “You don’t mean anything to me. If I never saw you again it wouldn’t matter because there are a tonne of guys out there just like you. You’re nothing special. Nothing memorable.”

At that point I had had enough. I couldn’t stop the tears that threatened to flow carry out their threat. I lunged, punching as best I could but Drew was larger, stronger. With a vicious backhand that had hurt for over a week, he stopped my onslaught.

“Just get out of my fucking sight,” he spat out. Quickly grabbing my clothes, tears staining my cheeks I left the bastard. So much for love.

Even thinking about it now made my blood boil. He was my first and last ‘boyfriend.’ I couldn’t let myself get close to anyone after that, not and risk a replay of that happening.

At least in one life I was happy. I didn’t find it strange that I wanted to spend more time there than here, after all what did I have keeping me here? No family, no friends, no anything, just teachers that never noticed if I were there or not. What a great life.

--

Pacing my room I sighed. I was just so jittery and nervous and excited. Stuart and Marc were sat on my bed watching my antics with a smile. Walking in front of my mirror, pausing, straightening my tie, or my jacket, making sure all my buttons were accounted for and fastened.

“Relax!” Marc commanded. “You look perfect!”

“Really?” I asked sceptically, viewing my reflection once more with disdain. What the hell did Joey see in me? My brown hair was just there, not styled like Joey’s was, and my hazel eyes didn’t shine in anyway. I had the feeling that Joey was the beauty and I was very much the beast.

“Definitely!” both of my friends assured me with a smile.

I instinctively returned it, and with one last tweak of my outfit I was ready. ‘Just in time,’ I reflected as the doorbell sounded throughout the house.

“Alex!” my mum called up the stairs. “Joey’s here!”

“Thanks, we’ll be right down.” To my friends: “Ready?” At their nods we traipsed down the stairs and as soon as I saw Joey looking just so sexy and handsome in his suit I felt my heart speed up alarmingly.

“You look amazing,” I told him.

“Surely not as great as you do!” I blushed. He seemed to make my face do an impression of a tomato so easily.

“Everyone ready?” my mum asked, and everyone nodded. “Let’s go then!”

We were going to a posh restaurant because it was Stuart and Marc’s anniversary. I know that they should have been more nervous/excited than I was and maybe they were, but this was the first time I was going somewhere so upmarket with Joey and I just didn’t want to mess it up.

The drive didn’t take too long, although since there were three of us sat at the back and I was squashed against Joey I wouldn’t have minded if it had.

As we all piled out I told my mum I’d see her tomorrow. Yeah, I was staying at Joey’s after the meal. Which, okay, would probably explain why I was so jittery but happy.

--

“Ugh,” I groaned. I was groggy and I had gone to get more sleeping pills out of the plastic container only to realise there were none left. That was pretty much the worse thing that I could have discovered. Did I get dressed and go back to the nurse or just try calling her up?

Picking up the phone I punched the numbers in for the nurse’s office and waiting for an answer. One ring, two ring, three ring, four. Then the phone was answered. “Hello, this is Nurse Stevens, how can I help?”

“Uh, hi. I was prescribed some sleeping pills but I need some more now.”

“Okay, what’s your name?”

“Alex King.” I could hear her typing at the computer which dominated the front desk of the office.

“Well according to when they were prescribed you should still have some left.”

Fuck, when did they start getting so thorough? “Well yeah, but I’m clumsy. The bottle was open and I leant over to get my glass of water and knocked them over. The ones I did recover, well, I’ll be honest and say that my room isn’t the cleanest one on campus…” I hoped that my lie would be enough.

“I guess you can’t help that,” she said after a pause. “If you would like to come in some time today I’ll fix you up with some more.”

“That would be great. Thanks.” Putting the phone down I wondered how plausible it was I could get some more from the doctors surgery in town, but I dismissed that idea since they were bound to care more, sure to be stricter in their prescription of medication. But it was fine, I was about to get a fresh new bottle and I wouldn’t worry about not having any until that was an actual fact.

--

The dinner had passed pleasantly and I had managed to avoid making myself look like a complete and utter idiot so all in all it was a success. But the night was by no means over.

As soon as we had arrived at Joey’s we changed out of our formal clothes and into something more casual and comfy. I was wearing my navy sweatpants and a white tee-shirt and Joey looked sexy as ever in some black ones complimented by a grey top with some band logo I didn’t recognise on it.

We were both sitting on his bed and I was proud to say that I was slaughtering him on some fighting game I had never even heard of before, although it was about time since he had mercilessly kicked my ass on the racing game we’d played before this.

“I thought that you said you sucked at games?” Joey asked, wanting to confirm what I’d told him.

“I do,” I admitted. “This is just pure luck or something.”

“Nah, you’ve just got some mad skills!” he decided. “Anymore secret talents I should be aware about?”

Leaning in I gave the impression that I was about to admit some deep dark secret (or something along those lines) but instead I just kissed him gently on the cheek.

“Oh I get it. You pretend to be some innocent guy but in fact you’re a seductive temptress? tempter? set to have your wicked way with me!” He laughed as he leaned in to kiss me.

“Darn! How did you guess?” I turned my head so instead of him kissing my cheek we were pressing our lips together.

“I’ve got my own mad skills,” he confessed. I took advantage of his open mouth and gingerly pushed my tongue into the opening. He gave a surprised little gasp which encouraged me in my first attempt at initiating a ‘proper’ kiss. It was awkward, but I couldn’t have been happier.

“See,” he said, “I was right. You just want to have your wicked way!”

“I’m not hearing you complain,” I told him.

“Why would I?” Why indeed? This was probably one of the best nights of my life.

--

This had to have been one of the worst days ever. I’d woken up to the phone ringing and when I answered it I discovered it was the headmaster of the boarding school, acting all concerned about the number of days I’d miss. Why the hell did he even bother? The bastard made me promise to go into all my lessons that week so I was stuck sat in the corner listening to the teacher drone on about stuff I didn’t understand or care about.

Then at lunch I ran into some older students who decided that I looked like a great target and started laying into me about my supposed lack of respect. Well, duh. Who on Earth would respect a bunch of morons who thought that beating people up is a perfectly valid way of passing the time?

After lunch the teacher didn’t even notice the black eye which was coming up nicely, nor my busted lip. The loneliness and lack of concern made me long for my other life all the more. Maybe if I just closed my eyes I’d start to daydream and that would be enough.

“Mr King!” a shrill voice pierced my consciousness. “Do you think that it’s acceptable to fall asleep in my lesson?!”

I wanted to argue, to say that I wasn’t sleeping because I wasn’t dreaming. I always dream. Oh God I didn’t even want to contemplate what I would do if my dreams disappeared. Instead I went with the diplomatic response. “No ma’am, I’m just still feeling ill.” I hoped that she would have a little sympathy and send me back to my dorm room but instead she made a small disbelieving noise and turned back to the whiteboard.

Resisting the urge to stick my tongue out at her back (taking the moral high ground some might say) I stared at the blank page in front of me. Fear my note taking skills.

Of course I couldn’t just leave the classroom and go back to my room I had to go and see the headmaster because simply having a go at me over the phone just wasn’t enough. Sitting in the ‘waiting room’ (a couple of chairs near a secretary’s desk) I scowled at anyone who so much as glanced into the area, since along the wall attaching it to the corridor there were windows. Maybe the people waiting in there were meant to feel so shamed that they never broke the rules again. Yeah right.

I fiddled with the hem of my shirt, just wanting to give up, after all I’d been waiting for the better part of half an hour. Finally the man, who was in the later years of his life, came out of his office and told me that I could enter. I was a little surprised he didn’t act startled and exclaim, ‘Oh, I almost forgot about you!’ It sure wouldn’t have been much of a shock to me.

“Now what’s the reason for all of your recent absences?” he asked in what I supposed was meant to be a kind, almost fatherly fashion. Well I didn’t have a dad and I wasn’t looking for one in the headmaster.

“I’ve been ill. I did ring in.” Which was what the school policy was so I didn’t see why there was even an issue. Clearly he did.

“You’ve been ill for quite a while.” I could almost tell that he was thinking that I didn’t look ill, but anything like a coughing fit on my part would just work against me. It would just appear suspicious.

“I’m somewhat of a sickly person. Most mornings I have no strength in my body and even if I get up I can’t really stay up.” Besides there was no point getting up in the first place.

“But even if you say that isn’t it just normal? Nobody wants to get up in the morning.” I’m sure that that was a lie. Plenty of people must do it with no trouble.

“That’s different,” I assured him. “It assumes that the person physically has the strength.”

“You’re hear now.”

“And do you know how difficult it was?” I was growing annoyed. I just wanted to leave. The other me never had this trouble.

“I can imagine.” I knew that he couldn’t.

“Whatever,” I muttered.

“Now, Alex, is that any attitude to take?” he asked me. Personally I didn’t see any other choice. I just didn’t understand why he couldn’t understand. And if he really wanted to help why did he know nothing about me?

“You don’t understand the situation and you know nothing about me. So I have no idea what it is you’re trying to achieve. It would just be better to leave me alone to carry out my life as I see fit.”

I didn’t even wait for a response, instead I just left the office, passed the secretary’s desk and was soon out in the open (albeit cold) air. Taking a few good deep breaths I headed first for the nurses office, walking as speedily yet casually as I could. Before I crossed the threshold of the supply room I looked to see if the nurse, whose name alluded me, was around. She wasn’t.

Sneaking in was easy. Finding what I wanted proved to be a little more difficult. It helped that I knew what I was looking for, the sleeping pills that I had been prescribed, but from what I could tell there was no real logic to how things were stocked. After what seemed like an agonisingly long time (I jumped at every little noise I heard outside and cringed whenever I made one) I found what I was hunting for. I pushed the full bottle into my trouser pants, conscious of the slight bulge they created, then peered round the door to check the coast was clear.

My heart was thumping every step of the way. Even though I knew it was ridiculous I felt like every eye was turned my way, like they knew about my crime. It took all of my will power not to break out into a run but people were more likely to remember seeing that as opposed to a boy who was just walking the grounds.

I was more than just relieved when I reached the comfort of my own rooms. I knew them, felt almost safe in them. I definitely felt safe in my bed, after all it was my haven. My safe haven. Collapsing in the bed, exhausted from the day’s trials, I didn’t even notice the wetness on my cheeks.

--

After the kissing not much else happened. Apart from more kissing. Then we fell asleep sprawled across his bed and each other. During the night I woke up and shivered slightly. Deciding the warmest place would be snuggled up to Joey I did just that. It felt so comfortable and wonderful and better than I would have ever imagined.

When morning came I was happy to discover that Joey had wrapped his arms around me and was cuddling me and looking at me from under half lidded eyes.

“Mornin’,” he whispered with a smile.

“Mornin’ yourself,” I replied, squirming so that I was pressed against his body. “Been awake long?”

“Not really. Just been watching you sleep. You’re gorgeous.” He coloured slightly at admitting it but not so much as I did upon hearing it.

“No way! You’re the gorgeous one here,” I corrected. As Joey began to shake his head I could tell he was ready to disagree so before he could I gently kissed him. He eagerly returned the favour and any disagreement we may have had (although likely to just be playful) was evaded with a much more pleasant task.

After a little while we broke away. “Want me to show you my cooking skills? I can successfully make toast without burning it!”

Laughing I nodded. “I wouldn’t miss my chance to see that.”

Barefooted we wandered down to the kitchen where Joey not only proved his toast making skills but also his bacon grilling talents. All in all it smelt, and looked, delicious. Before I had chance to take a bite Joey asked, “You’re not afraid to try it are you?”

“Of course not! You’ve just got to give me more than five seconds to start!” I reminded him, emphasising the point by sticking my tongue out. He took advantage of the situation by leaning forward and kissing me so our tongues clashed for a moment until he pulled away.

“Sorry, I couldn’t resist,” he informed me with a huge smile.

“Liar, you just didn’t want to resist.” I recognised a wholly more confident, playful side of myself emerging when I was around Joey. It was nice.

“Guilty as charged,” he agreed, nodding and smiling. He looked so attractive when he was happy and carefree and I loved how he brought out a similar side in me. From wondering if I could love I now knew that I could and that I did.

--

I woke up and my cheeks were damp. I wondered how that happened, then I thought that it was probably the sharp contrast between the real world and my dream world. Although what happened in my dreams felt more real than anything else in my life did.

Wasting no time I curled up, clinging to one of my pillows and tried to fall back to sleep. I wasn’t immediately successful but I was which an important thing.

Unfortunately the period of sleep, of dreaming, was short lived. I was soon awake again. But it wasn’t a huge tragedy, after all I could go back to sleep again, which I did.

Then woke up again.

I gave up. I wanted to sleep so badly. I found the bottle and a half of sleeping pills I had and poured them out onto the bed. I had a glass of water on the bedside cabinet and took that alongside most of the pills. Now I could finally sleep uninterrupted.

Once again I curled up, and this time I didn’t wake up. Not even when morning came.

--

Joey was doing the washing up and I couldn’t help but imagine him in a frilly apron, and the thought had me giggling to myself.

“What’s so funny?” he asked, looking in my direction. His hair was messy and down and I felt honoured that he would show me this completely other side of him. His private self in a way.

“Oh… nothing.”

“Really?” he questioned sceptically.

“Yes,” I assured him, not at all prepared for how he decided to show his disbelief. One moment I was sat there, the next I was still sat there but covered in water. Luke-warm water with some bubbles from the washing up liquid. Of course I had to retaliate which consisted of me chancing him around the house until I finally caught him (although ask him and no doubt he’ll tell you how he let himself be caught). Then I tickled his sides mercilessly. And he squealed much to my delight.

“Mercy! Mercy!” he called as he tried to pin me to the ground. After some wrestling (and possibly inappropriate grabbing) he had me pinned, straddling me, and placing kisses over any exposed flesh. Then he kissed me and I eagerly kissed him back, showing my affection through actions.

“You know,” he started a little hesitantly. “I think I love you.” A kiss.

“You know what? I think I love you too.” Another kiss.

Somehow I knew that I would share my life with him. Probably even more than that.