The vibrant dawn reflected off the smooth waters of the bayou as I kicked my legs against the dock.

The damp wood pressed warmly into my palms, like an old friend, familiar and comforting. My gold eyes flicked to the worn pilings and old ropes with affection, then trailed back out to the water. The angels painted a water colored sky of oranges and yellows and reds, closely followed by blues and pinks and whites. A seagull fluttered it wings, and a light breeze bent the sand grass and lifted my light jacket.

I had come out to the bayou nearly every morning since that fateful day. Instead of repelling me, it beckoned me, it comforted me. Like it knew the secret to all of life’s mysteries, and it would share them with me if I waited long enough, and was patient with it. My father used to do the same thing, come out here and sit and watch everything, with his strong eyes and calm face. Maybe he got tired of waiting for the answers.

I crossed my legs and rested my chin on my hands as I watched some early morning fishermen making their way out to the sand bar. A jogger and her golden retriever made their way up the coast. An elderly couple sat on a bench and watched the sun just like I did, reminiscing the earlier days.

Soon my little brother would be winding his way down the path to ask me with his big beautiful brown eyes if he could have a pancake with a smiley face on it for breakfast. And of course I'd make it for him... he deserved all the happiness I could give him. In a way, I was envious of his ability to find it in the smallest places and things.

It was sweet, really. He'd pick a daisy and twirl it between his fingertips and smile as the yellows and whites swirled together. He'd stare out the window in the car as we drove over a bridge and watch the water sparkle and flow and he'd laugh while watching the pelicans swoop into the water and back out again. He'd turn up the radio and sing everything at the top of his lungs. He knew most of the words by heart. He'd giggle and smile up at her with his smile that's missing a tooth. You could pick out his bright red cap anywhere in the crowd. He was always wearing it... mostly because his hair was gone.

We discovered that Jacob had leukemia late last spring. We woke up one morning and he was vomiting his dinner out. His hair had begun falling out, and his hands would get shaky for no reason. He would get too tired to play earlier and earlier every week, and he never ate much. When he started to reject his meals and get nosebleeds, we decided to take him to the doctor. They ran cat scans and blood tests and rigged him to machines that I'd never even heard of before.
The doctor told us that he had a tumor building on his frontal lobe, and that he would have to undergo radiation and numerous overnight stays at the hospital. And that it would cost an arm and a leg to do it. But it didn't matter; whatever they needed to do to make Jake better was fine with me. He grabbed my hand as we were walking out of the hospital the day the doctor told us the news and looked up at me tearfully.

"Harmony, am I going to get better?" Tears sprang to my eyes, but I blinked them back. I couldn't let him see me cry.

I needed to be strong for him.

"Of course you are sweetie. The doctors are very good doctors, and they're going to make you all better."

My voice cracked a little, but I willed myself to believe what I was telling him. Maybe if I wished hard enough, it would come true. He nodded and squeezed my hand.

After all, I was his big sister. Anything I said must be true.

I blinked back to reality. The seagulls cawed and pecked at the ground. I stretched and cracked some stiff joints. It was almost time to go.
I looked over to my left, slightly surprised to see Jacob standing next to me, gazing out at the water. He didn't really acknowledge me; he just quietly said "Why do you come out here every morning Harmony? Isn't this the place where your dad…"

His voice trailed off and he continued staring with eyes transfixed on the horizon. The sun glowed across his pale face, and his eyes turned a light shade of cinnamon.

"You know... he's your dad too."

He just watched the sun. I noticed he had goose bumps. With his new treatment, he was susceptible to temperature change very easily.

"Where's your sweater Jakie? You know you shouldn't come out here without one." I tried to manage a stern voice.

"Mom washed it last night and fell asleep before putting it in the dryer. You'll have to rewash it for me later."

I shook my head. That woman would forget her head if she didn't need it to drink. I took off my jacket and made him wear it. I stood and placed an arm around his shoulder and let him back up the path to the road.

"Can I have a pancake with a smiley face on it for breakfast?"

"... Sure."

-----

We made our way back to the house and I restarted the washing machine. I turned on the oven to heat it up for breakfast, and slowly opened the door to mom’s bedroom. I turned off the TV and picked up the plate on the floor next to her bed. I laid a few paper towels over the spilt glass of cheap liquor. I closed the blinds and put some Advil and a glass of water on her nightstand. She'd want them later.

Jake was setting the table for us. He asked me if he should set a place for mom. I was about to say no, but thought better of it.

"Go ahead; she might be out later."

This seemed to make him happy. Mom hadn't eaten with us in a long time, but he never lost hope. I mixed the pancake batter in a big bowl and poured the face into the pan. I let it cook for a minute, and then poured the actual pancake on top of it. When I flipped it over, it was a perfect face. I made a couple more normal ones and put them all on a plate, his on top.

We were in the middle of eating when mom stumbled out of her room. She blinked at us for a couple of minutes, and then asked if there was any orange juice. I told her she drank it all yesterday, and I'd have to go buy some more at the store when I went shopping today. She nodded droopily and asked if her unemployment check had come in the mail yet. It had; I pinned it to the bulletin board on the refrigerator.

She left to get it cashed and I cleaned up from breakfast. I finished the dishes and put Jake’s clothes in the dryer. He bounced into the living room where I was folding clothes and asked if he could go out to the park with the boy from down the street. I eyed him dubiously.

"Are you sure? You just ate. I'd feel better if you stayed in for a little while first."
He started making disappointed puppy eyes at me.
I sighed.

"How about this... Wait until your sweater is dry, and then you can go out. Okay?" He smiled happily and hugged me.

"Thanks Harmony."

I finished folding the clothes and arranged them in Moms drawers by size, color, and style. I had a sort of "disorder" called OCD. They call it a disorder, but it’s just how I live. It bugs me when things aren't neat or organized.
I get lost and frustrated when things aren't where I put them, and I can't remember what day things are.

I closed the door to my room, opened my desk drawer, and pulled out my sun set calendar. Every month was a different sun set in a different place. This was where I wrote down everything that was supposed to happen for the week. I checked it and saw that Jake had a doctor’s appointment tomorrow at three to see how much the radiation is helping him.

I crossed my fingers and prayed that the tumor was getting smaller. If it wasn't, they would have to try a new treatment and he'd have to stay in the hospital for a few days.

I hated when he had to go the hospital to stay over night. It was bad enough that I didn't like them because of Dad, but it was worth it to push through that if it was going to make Jakie better.

No, the reason I hated him going there is because he seems so... unreal. So inhuman. Hooked up to so many machines, in that institutionally white scrub, with people sporting clipboards hovering over him. He was always so sick and tired when he was in there, and it took him a few days at home to regain his energy after an over night stay.

It was just so frustrating that they were doing all these things to him, but none of them seem to be working. He always came back sick and no better. The doctor says that the more tests they try, the better a chance they have of finding the right one for him. But it was taking too long, and I was beginning to despair. My eyes started to moisten. I loved Jake with all my heart; that boy has kept me alive for so long. I couldn't bear the thought of losing him; it drove me to near madness.

I blinked a little as the tears welled and I raised my face towards the ceiling.

"Where are you now, huh? You said you were going to be here. You said you were always going to be here. But you aren't! You aren't."

A single tear spilled over and I quickly swiped it away.

He isn't worth my tears, I told myself.

I erased him from yesterday and closed my calendar. I slid it into the desk drawer and left him there.

I went to check on the clothes. I was dropping them on the couch when mom banged in the front door with a small brown bag in her hand. She turned to exam the screen door and declared that I had to find someway to make it quieter. I told her I would.

"Are you going shopping tonight?"

I rolled my eyes, because she knew that I went shopping every Saturday night.

"Yes, mom."

She handed me the rest of her check and told me to pay the bills with whatever was left over. Then she examined the DVD rack and took one with her to her room, uncapping the contents of the paper bag.
I shook my head.

Ten in the morning.

I grabbed Jacobs’s sweater and knocked on the door to his bedroom, which was emitting space ship noises. He permitted me entrance and I opened the door to him sitting on his carpet with a space ship and an alien toy in his hand. He smiled up at me and I winked at him. I handed him his sweater and said "Here you go buddy. You ready to go to the park?"

He jumped up and I put his toys away as he was getting his Batman sneakers. He sat on his bed and his face screwed up in concentration as he sat with one sneaker on, laces hanging down. He picked up both ends and did the first knot. His forehead creased and he stuck his tongue out as he made two loops and tied them together to form a rough but beautiful bow.

"Look big sister, I did it!"

I clapped and laughed and told him to show me again on the other one. With the same face of concentration, he completed it.
It takes Jacob a little while to learn how to do some basic things. Walking, running, jumping, talking.... those are fine. But tying his shoes, for example, brushing his teeth, or changing the channel on the remote are all a little harder for him to do. I don't remember exactly what the doctor said, but it has something to do with the cancer. It was okay though... he tries hard, and that’s all that matters.

I double-knotted them for him and helped him into his sweater.

"Let me go tell Mom where we're going, and then it’s off to the park."
I made a face at him and he giggled.
I knocked on Moms door, and she gave a rough "Yeah?" I opened it and leaned against the door frame. "I'm taking Jacob to the park; we should be back for lunch."

She just nodded and said that the car keys were on the hook by the door in between taking a swig. Jake was standing by the door, ready to go. I made a pit stop by the fridge for a juice box; I knew his new medicine makes him thirsty.

We got in the car and I was relieved to see that mom had filled the gas tank on her trip this morning. I pulled out of the drive way, and we were on our way to the park. He fiddled with the radio knobs until he found a song that he liked, and he turned it up. I always let him turn it up as loud as he wanted; it didn't bother me, and it made him happy. Besides, he never turned it up very loud anyway; it hurts his ears.

I pulled into a parking space and we got out. I asked him if he saw his buddy, and he pointed to the swings, where a little boy with bright red hair was swinging. I told him that if he needed me, or if he was thirsty, I would be sitting at the bench by the see saws. He hugged my leg and ran over to his friend, to engage in some kind of youthful mischief.

I watched him for a little while, flinching every now and again when he would fall down or something, but I knew better than to flip out. The doctor said that he needs to feel like he can do things on his own. My eyes started to wander after a time; and I began to regret not bringing a book. I watched all the little children running about, I watched couples walking around holding hands, I watched people playing frisbee, I watched a dog walker struggle with a bunch of German Shepherds.

My eyes wandered back to Jacob, who was swinging on the monkey bars. He got to the other side and glanced over to see me watching. He smiled and waved and did it again just for me.
I laughed and clapped. A man with hair the same shade as Jakes friend called him over. His buddy ran to him and he lifted him onto his shoulders. Jake watched them, and I could tell that he wasn't at all happy. At first I thought it was because his friend couldn't play anymore, but the more I focused on him, I realized that it was because his friend was with his Dad. I felt terrible, and muttered "Do you see? Do you see what you've done? Selfish bastard."

I called Jake over to me and opened his juice box for him. As he was drinking it down, I glanced at my watch.

"It's 11:45. You ready to go home buddy? Getting hungry?"

He nodded and I told him to go say goodbye to his friend. I stood at the bench and watched him run over to the little boy and his dad. The older man smiled and waved at me. I gave him the warmest smile I could and waved back. I took Jakie’s hand and we walked back to the car.
Jake talked excitedly about all the things he'd done, asking if I'd seen this, or if I saw that. He'd had fun, which was good enough for me. His eyes were bright with energy, and his skin looked a lot healthier. I told him to finish drinking his juice, and he could come shopping with me so he could pick out what he wanted for dinner.

He smiled happily and turned up the radio.