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A/N: Well, I couldn't find the finished version, so I retyped it. That's okay though, because it's better now. R&R plz! kthxbi!
Disclaimer: I don't own the Nintendo Gamecube or "LoZ:WW", Sapphire belongs to Pearlescence,and I still don't own "tonsil hockey". Everything else is mine.
I was walking up to Lexi’s house. Okay, technically it was Saph’s house—Saph being Sapphire, Lexi’s girlfriend—but Lexi was living with her since they were kind of unofficially married.
I stopped at the door, hearing voices inside. Thank God. I knocked on the door. Somebody yelled, “Coming!” and soon after, the door opened. Saph stood behind it. “Hey, Kurt,” she greeted me. “Come on in.”
I entered to see Lexi and Adam sitting on the couch, talking. They looked up at me, ending their conversation, and smiled.
I didn’t smile back.
“Hey, we were just talking about you,” Adam said. “We thought, uh…we…” He trailed off as he noticed that I wasn’t smiling. “Uh, Kurt? You alright?”
Realization flashed in Lexi’s eyes. “Oh jeez, it didn’t go well with your dad?”
Good old Lexi. Reading me like a book, as always. I communicated this with a short nod.
“I’m gonna go take a shower,” Saph murmured before leaving the room.
Adam got up, muttered something about the weather, and headed for the kitchen, but Lexi stopped him. “You can hear this too, you know.” He blinked and came back to the couch.
“So,” Lexi started, “what exactly happened?”
I sighed and sat down between them on the couch. “Shit happened, that’s what. I thought everything was going to be okay, and I was wrong.”
“Wait!”
I jumped and whirled around, adding “fuckin’ freaked out” to my quickly-growing list of emotions. A man, somewhere in his mid-30’s, came out from around the corner. He was a little taller than me and had reddish-brown eyes and hair.
Holy shit.
He cleared his throat. “So…you must be Kurt.”
I nodded, still in shock. “…Yeah. Kurt. Me. Yeah.”
“Well, let me get a closer look at you,” he said. He leaned in a little closer, slowly circling me, and I couldn’t help feeling like he was a vulture about to swoop down and tear me apart.
Chill out, Kurt, my inner voice told me calmly. He’s just your dad. Who cares if you’ve never seen the freak in the nineteen years you’ve been alive?
For some reason, that didn’t help. Go figure.
Finally he stood back. “Jesus,” he said, almost whispering. “You look just like I did at your age.”
I was afraid of that, I commented silently.
“Except…” He came close to me again, staring me in the eyes, and I caught a scent of something strangely familiar. Before I could determine what it was, he backed off again and nodded, as if confirming something. “Except for your eyes. You have your mother’s eyes.”
I shifted my weight from foot to foot. I was staring to feel kind of anxious, which made me want to be snarky. “So, did you want me to come down here for any reason other than for you to stare at me and comment on how much I look like you? ‘Cause, frankly, I don’t really care. Also, I do have a life, and I’d like to get back to it.”
He frowned, not liking my tone—big surprise there. “I had a life too, you know, until you came along. You think I wanted to leave that all behind?”
“Oh, now it’s my fault?” I retorted. “And besides, leave what all behind? Mom told me about you. You dropped out of high school, you didn’t have a job…if I know anything, you probably left Mom so you could run off with some other girl who you knew wasn’t gonna get pregnant!”
Anger flashed in his eyes, making them appear more red than brown. “I would NEVER—”
Suddenly, I recognized the smell. “You’re fucking drunk.”
“I’m not drunk!” he snapped defensively. “Sure, I had a couple drinks, but could you really blame—”
“Real fuckin’ nice! You’re seeing your fuckin’ son for the first time ever, and you decide to go get completely smashed!” I lowered my voice, as if daring him to strike back. “If I didn’t already think you were some pathetic jerkoff who doesn’t care about anyone, I sure would now.”
He shoved me back against the wall, his face inches from mine, the scent of alcohol suffocating. “You back the fuck off, kid!” he yelled. “I know what I’ve done wrong; I don’t need you pointing out my fuckin’ mistakes!”
I pushed him off of me, trying unsuccessfully to swallow the painful lump in my throat. “Mistakes. Yeah. Those include me, right?”
I was out of the room and running before he could respond.
I didn’t respond, choosing instead to stare at the wall. I was suddenly aware of Adam’s arm around my shoulders, and I realized it had been there for a while without me noticing. I looked at Adam’s arm, then back at Adam.
He pulled it back hastily. “Um. Sorry.”
“No, no, it’s okay,” I said. “You can keep it there.”
With a nervous smile, he put his arm back around me. I leaned against him. For some reason, having his arm there made me feel safe.
Lexi seemed not to notice. “I mean, who gets drunk before seeing their goddamn child for the first time? That’s just—argh!” She crossed her arms and stared into space, fuming. “I think I should’ve gone in with you.”
“I don’t think so,” I replied wearily. I was getting sick of this whole thing. “That might have made things worse.”
“It might have made things better,” she insisted. “I mean, he pushed you up against the fucking wall! Okay, sure, you were baiting him, but it’s not like everything you said wasn’t true!”
Lexi continued to rant about the asshole-osity of my dad, but I stopped listening. I’d had enough of the conversation.
Adam looked at me. “You okay?”
“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” I answered. “I just don’t want to talk about this shit anymore, you know? I’m spent.”
Adam grinned and opened his mouth to make an inappropriate sexual comment, then thought the better of it and instead gave me a hug. I was grateful.
“…And I need a drink now,” Lexi said. “Ranting sure makes ya thirsty.” With that, she went into the kitchen.
After a moment of silence, I looked at Adam. “So…are we, like…?”
He stared at me blankly. “Are we, like, what?”
“You know…together.”
“Oh, right.” He blinked and looked away uncomfortably. “I, uh…I don’t know.”
I looked down at my hands, which were currently clasped in my lap. “You don’t know?”
“I don’t know,” he repeated. “I, well…uh…This is kinda new to me, you know?”
“Well, yeah; me too,” I said. “I mean, I didn’t even think I might be gay until…you know, the tonsil hockey.”
He snickered, remembering the conversation we’d had at my house. “Tonsil hockey…Yeah, I did say that, didn’t I? Heh…” He considered the situation for a moment. “Well…I…um. Yeah.”
I stared at him, waiting for him to elaborate. His arm was still around me; I wasn’t sure if he realized it or not.
“See, uh, I don’t…uh…” He seemed to be searching for the right words. “I mean…I could’ve sworn I didn’t like guys.”
I was starting to feel sick from the combined stress of the fight with my dad and the conversation happening right then. “…Okay…”
“And, you know, when we…uh…kissed…I don’t know, it was nice and all, I just…” He trailed off, as if he was afraid to say something.
I tried to read him, but he wouldn’t make eye contact with me. Finally I proposed, “So, you’re confused about your feelings.”
“Yeah,” he said quickly. “Yeah, I’m confused.” Something about it made me think he was lying. Maybe it was the fact that he refused to look at me when he answered.
My head was throbbing with pain. “…Sure. Okay.” Not okay. NOT OKAY. What the hell does he mean? I thought he liked it. I thought he liked me. Why won’t he look me in the eye? Fuck, what have I done wrong?
“…I gotta go get ready for band practice,” he said, still avoiding my gaze. Without waiting for me to respond, he stood up and left. He didn’t close the door behind him.
As I stared at the open front door, Lexi came back from the kitchen, sipping from a mug of hot tea. “Where’d Adam go?”
“He just left.”
“You feeling any better?”
“Not really,” I replied, rubbing my temples. “I’m stressed out beyond belief and my head is killing me.”
“And band practice starts in ten minutes,” Lexi added with a wince of sympathy. “I assume you’re not going, then?”
“…No,” I said. “I just remembered something I have to do.”
It bugged the shit out of Adam—my smoking, I mean. We both tried it in middle school, but he never wanted to smoke any kind of substance after that. He couldn’t even stand the smell of smoke. It didn’t affect our friendship at all; he just refused to be anywhere near me when I was smoking. As I mused, I didn’t notice when someone walked up behind me.
“You know, that’s bad for your health.”
I jumped, shouted various swear words, and dropped my cig. Whirling around, I saw a look of slight amusement on my dad’s face as he, too, took a drag from a cigarette.
“You came back,” he said.
“Why’d you fuckin’ sneak up on me?!” I snapped. My head was throbbing with pain again.
“Didn’t think you were coming back. Went to check out. Came back here to get my shit. Saw you in deep thought.” He shrugged, and it pissed me off how much he looked like me. “Didn’t mean to scare the ever-loving shit out of you. Though it was pretty damn funny.”
I scowled. “Ha. Ha ha. Funny like a retarded kid with cancer.”
He chuckled a little at that—well, I’m glad I could fuckin’ amuse you, jackass—and flicked his cigarette to the ground. “So why’d you come back?”
“Right,” I said, looking down at the still smoldering cigarette stub. “I forgot to tell you something when I was here last.”
He simply stared at me, the remnants of a smile still on his face. “Okay. Shoot.”
“I’m gay.”
He froze. I couldn’t help but rejoice at finally wiping that goddamn smirk off of his face. After a long silence, he said slowly, “…What do you mean?”
“Funny, that’s what Mom said word-for word,” I muttered. Sighing in resignation, I continued: “I mean I’m homosexual. Queer. A fag. I like co—”
“Okay, okay!” He held up his hands as if surrendering. “Just shut up for a second! I got it! I…” He trailed off, burying his face in his hands. “…Fuck, this is all my fault, isn’t it?”
I was caught a little off guard by that. “What?”
“I was never there,” he said, staring at the cracked wall. “I wasn’t there for you. That’s why, isn’t it?”
“No! No, no, no! It’s not your fault!” I insisted. “…I mean, sure, I could blame you, but that’d be pointless. I mean, not having a dad around isn’t what made me gay. So…I mean…Just please don’t blame yourself, Dad.”
He slowly turned around to look at me incredulously. “You don’t blame me?”
I blinked. “I…I don’t know. I mean…I guess I blame you for a lot of things. But me being gay isn’t one of them.”
He ran a hand through his hair. “You hate me, don’t you?” For the first time I noticed how young he actually was. How scared.
“I did,” I replied truthfully, “but I’m not so sure anymore. I mean…you and I…we really aren’t very different, are we? Er, obviously, ‘cause you’re my dad, but, like…” I thought about it for a moment.
“That’s why you hated me, right? You didn’t want to be like me?”
I nodded. “Yeah. But…I get it now.”
He looked at me sadly and sighed. “Kurt…tell Morgan I’m sorry.”
Morgan. Mom. I frowned. “Dad…why can’t you tell her yourself? Why won’t you go see her?”
“I can’t,” he said. “I just can’t. I loved her. I still do. But after all that’s happened…” His gaze flickered, and I caught sorrow in his amber eyes. “…There’s no way I could face her now.”
“…I understand.” And I meant it.
He smiled wanly. “I better get going…Thanks for coming to see me.” He held a hand out. “It was nice meeting you, Kurt.”
I grabbed his hand and shook it, my stormy blue eyes filling with tears. “…You too, Dad.”
Finally the door cracked open. Adam peeked through the doorway. Seeing me, he grinned and opened it so I could come in.
Once I was inside, he shut the door and went right back to what he had been doing before I knocked: play “Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker”. Lucky bastard had found it and a Gamecube secondhand at a garage sale and fixed them up himself.
“So, I said conversationally as he tried to break into the enemy stronghold, “I wanted to talk to you.”
“Uh-huh,” he mumbled.
I doubted he was paying much attention, but I continued anyway. “I talked to my dad again. It went better this time.”
“Really.”
“Yeah. He said—by the way, don’t forget to grab that barrel—he said that he couldn’t come back. It’d just be too painful for everyone.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Careful, the spotlights’ll catch you.”
“I got it.”
“Anyways, I was thinking about what we were talking about at Lexi’s place.”
“Mm-hmm.”
“And…” I shrugged. “I realized that I would probably feel a lot better about the whole thing if you told me how you actually felt instead of avoiding the issue. …And you just got caught in the spotlight.”
He paused the game and glared at me. “No shit, I hadn’t noticed. Now, uh…Sorry, how I felt about what?”
I sighed. Alright, Adam; time to be blunt. “Me. Being with me. Whether or not you’re afraid of being with me. Basically, just me in general.”
Adam definitely could have passed for a deer caught in the headlights. “Um…you. Right. Uh…”
I sat down next to him on the loveseat—the irony of which did not escape me—and picked up the controller. “Here, I’ll try while you think about it.”
“Well—I—uh…” he stammered. “I don’t know.”
“That answer’s getting a little old, Adam,” I informed him.
“I…” He looked really scared and a little pissed off. “I just don’t know, okay?!”
I saved and quit the game. “Adam?”
“Goddammit, Kurt,” he said. “I…I like you, okay? I…like like you.” He shook his head, staring at the blank TV screen. “My feelings aren’t confusing me; I’m not being a dumb blonde; I’m fuckin’ attracted to you, and I’m fully aware of it. There, ya happy now?”
I blinked. “You are? I mean, you…like me?”
“Didn’t I just fuckin’ say that?” he muttered.
His sudden compliance was unnerving. “…So…why didn’t you just say so in the first place?”
He shook his head again. “’Cause you’re my best friend. And me liking you…well…it would fuck it up. We’ve been friends our whole life, you know? I don’t wanna lose that just because…just because I have some dumbass crush on you.”
That was it—the same fucking thing I’d been worried about before. I almost laughed. I grabbed his wrist, making him look at me. “Look, stop me if I’m not making sense, alright? Just hear me out first.” I let go of his wrist, saying, “That’s not what love’s about. I mean, I know plenty of people who couldn’t have a relationship with someone because they liked them too much as a friend, but that just doesn’t make sense to me. Because love’s like having a best friend, only better because you’re closer to each other. If we lost our friendship over this, then…it wouldn’t be love, you know? And…” I trailed off. “I don’t know, I guess that’s what I believe. But maybe I should just be qui—”
Adam interrupted me by leaning in and pressing his lips against mine, effectively cutting me off.
When he leaned back, he grinned sheepishly. “…It’s a lot different now that we’re sober, huh?”
I nodded wordlessly. I was incapable of forming coherent speech at the moment.
Adam looked down at the floor. “You were making a lot of sense. And…” He looked up at me again, his eyes glinting gold. “And I guess you’re right. It wouldn’t fuck it up.”
I nodded again.
Adam looked at me questioningly. “Kurt? …I guess I caught you off guard there, huh?”
Somehow I regained control of my vocal cords. “…Yeah…”
Adam seemed to be having trouble keeping a straight face. As he doubled over in stifled laughter, I watched him in confusion. “What? What’s so funny?”
He sat up again. “You! You’re all like, ‘Yeah’! It just sounded like, ‘Fuck yeah, but I liked it!!’” He burst into laughter again.
I shook my head and smiled, blushing slightly. “Adam…Jeez…”
“Fuck yeah, but I liked it! Hee…”
Okay, Adam. That’s enough.”
“I mean, that just made my day.”
I threw my hands up in the air. “What?! I never even said that; you did!”
“You might as well as said it!” He grinned at me. “I mean, the way you said, ‘Yeah’…”
“That’s it.” I grabbed his wrists and tackled him so that we fell off the couch, then I wrestled him to the ground. He yelped, caught off guard. Suddenly he was straddling me, holding me down. Before I could ask him how the hell he had done that, our lips were locked again and I could feel his hands snaking up the front of my shirt—
“Wow. That’s kinky.”
Adam and I both squeaked in surprise and looked in the direction of the voice. Lexi was standing in Adam’s doorway, holding armfuls of groceries and looking like she’d just heard the funniest joke of her life. Adam rolled off of me, stood up, crossed his arms, and said nonchalantly, “Hey, Lexi. ‘Sup?”
I tried in vain to keep my composure, but soon burst out laughing. Lexi brought the groceries to the counter, still grinning, and set them down. “Well, I’m glad you guys have…how shall we put it…kissed and made up?”
“Fuck off,” Adam muttered, but I caught sight of a smile on his face.
Lexi walked up to me and held out her hand. “So, did you go see your dad again? What’s up with him?”
“He left,” I said as she pulled me up. “I caught him on his way out, and we talked. We’re okay now.”
She hugged me tightly. “Awesome! I was hoping you’d be able to fix it.”
I nodded, suddenly remembering something. “Yeah…Hey, I just remembered, I gotta go. See you guys later.”
“Hey, wait,” Adam interjected, grabbing my arm. At my questioning glance, he grinned slyly and said, “So…are we, like…?”
Recognizing that he was making fun of me, I smirked. “I don’t know, you tell me. Are we, like…?”
He rolled his eyes in mock exasperation, looking for all the world like Lexi. “Well, there is the fact that you and I were just making out on the floor on my apartment.”
“That doesn’t mean anything,” Lexi pointed out. “You could just be friends with benefits.”
“Oh, shut up,” Adam said, punching her in the arm.
I kissed him softly, then smiled. “I’ll call you.”
“Sure, that’s what they all say.” He stuck his tongue out at me.
Lexi quirked an eyebrow. “Is that tongue thing there an invitation or something, Adam?”
As Adam chased Lexi around the room, I made sure to shut the door behind me.
“Kurt…tell Morgan I’m sorry.”
Nothing would ever really be okay. That was too much to hope for.
But things were getting better.
