Chapter Eleven: Emotions Conflicted

Now little Tiffany was the type of person, even if something were blatantly obvious as to be noticed by near everyone, would have to be told before she noticed. It wasn’t really that she didn’t notice, in reality she chose, at times, not to. Keeping harmony in a family dynamic was something Tiffany excelled in, having learned how to so long ago in so many different and at times very toxic and emotionally damaging situations in various foster homes. Tiffany was the ultimate peacemaker. One thing she had learned was that at times, it was better not to acknowledge someone else’s particular feelings than it was to face the consequences of letting it out. Most of this process was unconscious, so it seemed now and then, even to her, that she really could be very dense.

A good example of this would be one day, a day like any other day. She had made breakfast for Eli and had popped in to give it to him. Sometimes, the boy really didn’t want to have anything to do with breakfast, because at night, he rarely slept well. Pains in his chest and his muscles kept him up some nights, but this particular morning, he was bright eyed and seemed happy. In fact, he had a teasing glint in his eyes that Tiffany knew meant some good natured, but annoying little boy banter was to follow.

“Looking good this morning, kiddo,” Tiffany said.

“Yeah, I slept real good, Tiffany,” he said, “Gram made me some warm milk with some stuff she made and I slept real real good.”

“That’s great, Eli!”

“Yep,” he said, and then began giggling.

“It’s time to eat now, then,” Tiffany said, “Your special breakfast is here.”

Eli took his food on his tray and began to eat, but would look at her periodically and begin giggling anew. It took him over a half an hour to eat his food, not because he was having any problems but because he kept laughing so hard, he couldn’t get another bite in. Tiffany was afraid at one point that the boy would choke, but Eli somehow, miraculously, scraped by.

“All right, what’s so funny?” Tiffany asked him.

“I can’t say,” Eli said, “I promised I wouldn’t tell.” A fresh burst of giggles erupted from him then, racking him so hard he began coughing loudly.

“Eli!” Tiffany spun him over and whacked him on the back a few times. The boy coughed up a little brown looking stuff and then lay still, except for his heavy breathing.

“Okay, but no more of that, okay?” Tiffany said, giving him a glass of water, “I don’t like being scared this early in the morning.”

“I’m sorry. Maybe I should tell you…”

“If it will keep you from coughing up a lung, be my guest!”

Eli laughed weakly, and Tiffany’s heart went out to him. It really wasn’t fair, this little boy who was so much like any other little boy, couldn’t even laugh exuberantly without wearing himself out.

“Damon really wants you to be his girlfriend…” he said, with another mischievous but weaker set of giggles.

Tiffany felt her heart nearly stop. Damon wanted to be her boyfriend? She cared for Damon, loved him even. Not really in a boyfriend way, though.

“How do you know this?” she asked him.

“He told me. I wasn’t really supposed to tell you though.”

Just then, Chelsea walked in. “How’s it going in here?”

Eli piped up, “Chelsea, doesn’t Damon want Tiffany to be his girlfriend?”

“Eli, you weren’t supposed to say anything!” Chelsea gave him a reproving look.

“I couldn’t help it,” he said in his most pitiful, blameless voice, “I got sick!”

“Is it true?” Tiffany asked

Chelsea sighed, and then shot Tiffany a wide, knowing smile. “Yes, little sis. It’s true. He really has a crush on you.”

Tiffany shook her head, feeling weird and a little dizzy as she sat down on the end of Eli’s bed.

“Well, you did kiss him once, didn’t you?” Chelsea asked.

“Who all knows this?” Tiffany shot back.

“Not everyone…I don’t think your Micah knows, I don’t think Jake and Carol know...or the other adults either. The little ones, Mary, Sarah, I’m not sure they know.”

“Not sure?” Tiffany questioned weakly. Damn, she thought, one little kiss makes all this mess.

Dawn walked in at this time. Tiffany was sitting on the edge of Eli’s bed, looking anxious, and more than a little pale. “Hey, people. Is…everything okay in here?”

“Yeah, Tiffany just found out Damon’s infatuated with her.”

“What’s in-fax-ated?” Eli asked.

“Never you mind, bucko, were you the one who spilled the beans?”

“I didn’t mean to!” Eli whined in his best “I’m an innocent little boy” voice.

“Tiffany, come with me,” Dawn said in her most authoritative voice.

“Hey, I want to come too!” Chelsea cried.

“Why can’t I hear?” Eli immediately protested.

“Because you can’t be trusted to keep a secret, little man, you’ve proven that.”

Eli started crying and moaning, then began coughing again. Dawn placated him with, “Well, listen Eli…get some rest, and I’ll fill you in later. I want to be sure I can trust you, okay?”

Amidst weak complaints and increasingly weaker grumbling, Dawn led Tiffany and Chelsea into the sisters’ bedroom. Tiffany’s mind was reeling with this new information. She acknowledged she had suspected something of Damon’s feelings, but had no idea that it was serious enough for him to tell people about. Almost 2 months had passed since that day, the day of her fight with Rebecca and her first kiss from Damon.

“So?” Chelsea asked, as if expecting the answer to a question.

“So what?” Tiffany countered.

“So DUH, Tiffany,” Dawn laughed, “What about you and Damon?”

With a soft laugh, Tiffany asked, “What about us?”

“You’re not going to say yes when he asks you out?” Chelsea asked incredulously.

Tiffany stared at her blankly. “Uh, he’s going to ask me out?”

“Oh my God, tonight,” Dawn cried, “I’ve been begging him to for weeks. He’s been a pathetic little puppy dog. Of course you’re going to say yes, aren’t you?”

“No!” Tiffany shook her head fiercely, trying to calm her pounding heart at this entirely new development, “Dawn, just…I don’t want a boyfriend! Damn, I just got my first family, why do I need a boyfriend? That would be like dating my brother or something weird like that.”

“Why would it be weird?” Dawn asked, “Is there someone else you want more?”

“Who else would there be?”

Dawn and Chelsea passed a knowing look back and forth. “Well,” Dawn offered, “I always thought Micah was kind of cute, in a rugged man way.”

“Micah,” Tiffany’s heart skipped a beat as a flush reddened her cheeks, “What does Micah have to do with any of this…stuff?”

“Dawn has a thing for Micah, hon, just ignore her.”

“Come on, Chelsea, I do not!” Dawn shrieked, blushing bright red…then said, “Well, a little. But really, he only has eyes for Tiffany, so what does it matter?”

“How’d you get so lucky, anyway?” Chelsea asked, “Two men fighting over you…”

“Nobody’s fighting over me!” Tiffany said with exasperation, but couldn’t help wondering…they really thought Micah liked her in that way…no, that’s stupid. “God, you two are really messed up, you know that?”

“Tiffany, Damon’s really not your brother!” Chelsea snapped, “You’re going to break his heart.”

At this, Tiffany lost her temper and snapped, “Who the hell asked you to get involved anyway? Okay, if he’s not my brother, then you two are not my sisters and I don’t have to be listening to any of this!”

Having said this, Tiffany stormed out of the room; with her anxiety so strong she was feeling slightly sick. Who could she possibly talk to about all of this? What about Micah? Oh hell no, she thought, her stomach now doing flip-flops at the thought. Could she talk to Chrissy? No, that’s Damon’s mother. Would Kaye know anything about…no, Kaye’s too close to Chrissy. Who should I talk to”, was her desperate thought, and then the answer came to her.

I can talk to Carol! Tiffany’s heart felt a little lighter just thinking of it. Tiffany practically ran over to the woman who was both mother and grandmother to everyone in the house and almost ran over her.

“What’s on your mind, dear,” Carol asked, “It must be quite the humdinger, the way you galloped on in here.”

“Please, Carol, may I talk to you in private?”

“Why of course, God’s babe…of course.” Carol said in the tender, soothing way that only she, with her loving, gentle way, could calm any anxiety, or at least it seemed to Tiffany.

Carol put her hand on Tiffany’s arm and kindly led her into the sewing room, Carol’s own small private area. Homemade yarn, thread and quilts, crocheted blankets and cloth was strewn around the room, and Tiffany again was awed at the ability of a single person, dear Mother Carol, to calm any storm.

“Forgive the mess, little one. Now what seems to be the problem?”

“It’s…” stupid, was Tiffany’s first thought, but she swallowed hard and decided to continue despite her once again hammering heart, “Damon, he wants to be my boyfriend.”

“Not entirely unexpected,” Carol said with understanding shining in her old, wizened eyes, “You’re a very beautiful young lady with a light that shines from within you, child. This is not unexpected at all.”

“But I don’t want this!” Tiffany burst out, “I don’t want a boyfriend. I don’t want any of this weirdness, Carol, what do I do?”

“Is there any need to do anything, dear one?” Carol asked.

“Because of stupid Chelsea and dumb Dawn, yes I have to do something!” Tiffany moaned, “They’ve told Damon to ask me to be his girlfriend, tonight. I don’t want to, I don’t know, hurt him…but I don’t want this!”

“My dearest child, calm yourself, it’s not as bad as all that,” Carol whispered, “First ask yourself what you do want.”

“I don’t know!” she wailed, dangerously close to tears, “They also started talking about Micah in the middle of this madness and I don’t know what to think!”

“Ah, the mighty man,” Carol smiled serenely, “I must say the girls are more cunning than I’ve given them credit for.”

Tiffany looked at her, her eyes begging for explanation. Carol obliged, as if reading the girl’s conflicting thoughts.

“There’s something between you and the man, of course there is. How could there not be then, with what the two of you have lived through? There’s love there, as pure as a mountain waterfall, and strong and sure besides. What that will blossom into, dear one, only God knows and only time will tell. This family’s home may or may not be your permanent home, but the man, you and the man have a connection stronger than anything we could possibly offer you.”

At the words “may not be your permanent home” a sharp stab of fear, all encompassing, filled Tiffany with an overwhelming dread.

“Carol,” she pleaded, “I don’t want to leave here either!”

“No, no dear one, nor would we ever make you leave us,” Carol laughed, “I know how much you long for your own family, or any family, God’s babe. It shows in everything you say and do, it touches every part of your young life. I’m just saying that what you hunger for, you already have. You’ll have it always, even if one day, God forbid, you would have to leave us.”

“What is it?” Tiffany asked, “What do I already have?”

“You have strong love for all people, strong faith in something beyond all of us, and a light that can only come by hardship and coming out of it with your soul intact.”

“…Micah, what about…”

“The mighty man, he loves you. I don’t know the nature of his love, but I do know he’s protective without being possessive. He has passion for you, and whether that passion is sinful or not, you are his everything. It shows in everything he does and everything he says, which isn’t a lot. He would love you from afar if that’s what it took to keep you happy and safe, so for now dear one, think nothing of this. The man would not sin against you.”

Carol often spoke of sexuality outside of marriage as sin, but she said it in a way that was entirely non-judgmental. Again, Tiffany knew of no one else that could pull this off with any sincerity, but Carol could do this. Carol can do anything, Tiffany thought wondrously.

Tiffany fell to her knees beside the old woman and hugged her, putting her head in her lap. Carol stroked her hair soothingly.

“What do I do about Damon, Carol?”

“Let the boy down easy, Tiffany. You must tell him what you feel, or what you don’t. Yes, be honest with the boy, dearest, but do it with love.”

“Carol? I have a confession to make,” Tiffany whispered, thinking of what she had said to Chelsea and Dawn just a few short minutes ago.

“Yes, dove?”

“I wasn’t easy with Dawn and Chelsea. I told them…well I cursed at them first…”

At this, Carol laughed a hearty laugh, “Cursing from the dove, what will the devil think of next?”

“I’m sorry, Carol! I also was hateful to them for interfering in what isn’t really their business. I told them if he wasn’t my brother then I wasn’t their sister and I walked away and I know I probably hurt at least Chelsea’s feelings…”

“Dawn’s going to be hurt too. She won’t show it, but she will feel it, little one.”

“I’m sorry. I’ll go tell them now!”

“Now, think on what you’re going to tell the boy also, dear. Be kind to him. He’s been carrying a torch for quite a while. I’m surprised it’s taken him this long to come courting you.”

Tiffany loved Carol’s old-fashioned way of talking and thinking. She kissed her twice on the cheek, thanking her profusely. “Not at all, God’s babe, now you also go pray on that cursing you’ve just done, all right?”

Tiffany smiled and nodded, then ran out to find Dawn and Chelsea.

“Dawn, I’m sorry. Chelsea, can I please be your sister again?” Tiffany asked.

Dawn laughed, “You strange little, of course. We still love ya! No sweat!”

Tiffany hugged Dawn, then reached over and hugged Chelsea, who hugged her back hard, then dropped another bombshell. “We told Damon not to bother asking you,” Chelsea said, “We told him you didn’t want a boyfriend.”

Tiffany’s face lit up bright as a red lantern, “Oh, no Chelsea, you didn’t,” Tiffany moaned, afraid of the answer, “Dawn, did you?”

“Well, we felt bad. We thought it’d be easier on you.” Dawn ventured, and then asked, “Why? Did we fuck up again?”

“What did he say?” Tiffany asked in a small voice.

Dawn and Chelsea gave each other a guilty look.

“He…well,” Chelsea started, “Wasn’t too happy...” Dawn finished.

“Oh, no,” Tiffany exclaimed.

Tiffany searched for Damon all over the house for probably a half an hour. She was so absorbed that she forgot Eli’s medicine and Carol had to deliver it to him, mixed with homemade stew and mashed potatoes. Tiffany ran outside and saw him sitting between the barn and the cornfield, looking miserable.

She ran over to him and then realized she had no idea what to say. So she said the first thing that came to mind. “Hey, Damon.”

“Oh, uh...hi.”

“What are you doing out here?”

Damon laughed and it sounded forced, “Those dumb girls, you know? Dawn and Chelsea, they keep trying to fix us up. Isn’t that funny?”

Tiffany was about to ask if he was sure he didn’t want to be fixed up, but then she had a sudden rush of insight. This is Damon’s out, stupid, she thought, Do you want to completely humiliate him?

“Yeah, they’re really nuts.”

Damon laughed. “Kind of silly, isn’t it, you and me?”

“Yeah, I mean, I love you and all…but kind of like a brother and all.”

A shadow crossed Damon’s face. “I have a sister, Tiffany.”

“Yeah, I know. But I don’t have a brother. You know, boyfriends and girlfriends, they break up. But you have a brother forever. I guess that’s kind of what I meant.”

Suddenly, he smiled. “Well when you put it that way, I guess I want to be your brother then.”

“Good,” Tiffany said, her smile big and genuine for the first time all day.

They spent the next few minutes roundly abusing Dawn and Chelsea for their “weirdo interference” and Damon’s mood brightened significantly. They noticed it was getting dark and they would soon be missed at the house. As they were walking back, Damon touched her arm, stopping her.

“You know, Tiffany…um…you’re the prettiest sister I’ve got.”

Tiffany smiled and touched his arm back, knowing what was implied, but deciding it was best not to say anything but “Thanks, but don’t let Sarah hear you say that!”

Damon laughed and they went inside. Micah was at the bottom of the stairs, standing and waiting. “Hey, you two,” Micah said, a teasing glint in his eyes not unlike Eli’s, “Is something going on between the two of you that I should know about?”

Tiffany blushed hard, but before she could think of an adequate response, Damon shot back with, “Gross! She’s my sister!” The lovely smile she gave Damon made his night.