Congratulations! You clicked on the link! Whether you earnestly hunger for the knowledge I will provide, you have no idea what being 1337 is and curiosity got the best of you, you clicked on the link by mistake, or the virus that I may or may not have sent out took control of your computer and brought you here, you must realize that you will never be the same.

That is, of course, if you choose to stay. You have two choices right now, dear reader. You can click that big left arrow and wake up in bed, forgetting this ever happened (that is, if your operating system is Windows- I have no idea what you would click otherwise; I guess you could just stick your head in a bucket or something), or you can stay a while longer and find out just how deep the rabbit hole goes. The choice is yours.

(Disclaimer: I don't own the part of that line that is ripped off from the matrix. Please don't sue me).

Tips for Becoming 1337

by misterfuzzums EXTREME

Now, if you are one who would consider yourself as having lived under a rock for most of your life; thus, you have no knowledge of 1337, I will now explain the concept to you (very slowly, of course) so you may join the rest of the modern world. First off, I'm sure you may be wondering how it is possible to be a series of four numbers. This is a very rational thought, but will be completely eradicated from your mind when I tell you that these are not mere numbers- they mean something! In fact, they stand for letters! Now, which letters might they stand for, you ask? Which letters does it look like? Since I know I have not insulted your intelligence enough, I will proceed to tell you that the numbers 1337 correspond with the letters LEET.

Leet, as you may have guessed, originated, to the best of my knowledge, from the word "elite." Hopefully most of you know what that means, but if you do not, might I recommend to you this fun little game that my buddy Alex advertises called "Hooked on Phonics?"

Anyway, leet, and therefore 1337, means pretty much the same thing as its elongated, and more formal, counterpart. However, it is definitely not used the same way, or by the same people. Have you ever heard someone over twenty-five use the term? I don't think so. This is because a nifty little thing called a computer was created at roughly the time when these people were passing into a period of their lives known as "adulthood," a time infamous for its overbearing boring-ness.

But you've had enough history for now, right? What you want to know is how to become 1337. Have no fear, that will be revealed soon enough.

Tip 1- Pwn people's heads for 100 extra gold

The first method to become 1337 is to partake in enough senseless acts of violence in virtual worlds to move to the upper parts of the barbaric hierarchy. I know, you may be confused, but have no fear, what I just said means, simply, play- and get good at- video games. And not just any video games. Only the games that you hear about on the news, the ones that people get hooked on so easily that they need rehab to get off of them, and the ones that are so addicting that their names are parodied to reflect it (Warcraft has become Warcrack). Those games are probably where you'll hear the word 1337 used most often, simply for the reason that it is where most of the 1337 people are. Now, how did these people get to be the ones who were 1337, you may be asking. They are the 1337 ones because they made up the word in the first place. This brings me to my next point.

Tip 2- Make up words

1337 people will often find themselves creating words that mean absolutely nothing to people other than themselves. These words are often derogatory terms, since it is somewhat of a joke to be anything good other than 1337. Some examples of these are Mingebag, Gimpwad, n00b, or Creeper. Yes, these are words that are actually used by living, breathing, and perhaps thinking human beings. However, there are limits to your word-making-uppiness. It is generally a bad idea to make up words that sound overly childish or retarded, or basically anything like something you might find in a Dr. Seuss book (so you'll have to avoid using the suffix -oozled).

These 1337 words, once created, are instantly added to the magical dictionary of a language known as 1337-speak. No scholar has yet fully mastered the language, and it has yet to become the official language of any country.

Tip 3- Hack into the mainframe

If you're too cool for video games, and English (or whatever you speak) suits you fine, this is the alternative for becoming 1337 you may be looking for. There are several paths to becoming a 1337 hacker, but all of them involve extreme technical knowledge of computers. The most popular way to get into hacking these days is to work at an internet security company by day, and go to the dark side (if you will) by night. Though, if you surf the web long enough, you'll probably come across some websites that will provide you with at least basic info on hacking.

However, there are some major difficulties with hacking in itself, the main one being its illegality. If you think this is an obstacle you won't particularly like to surmount, have no fear! You can still promote hacking legally (I think) by wearing t-shirts that do! Some of my favorites are "I read your e-mail" and "Firewalls suck."

Tip 4- What if I don't want to do any of those things?

Don't worry, if you don't want to do any of these things, it doesn't mean you're not leet, it just means you need to find the right medium (no, I don't mean a witch). I will provide you with examples of people who are and are not 1337, and hopefully you can modify them to suit you.

Situation 1: You find yourself in a period of awkward silence or a pause in conversation (among friends). The only remedy is to tell them they are in violation of the Second Amendment of the Vivid Conversation act, and to command them to give you their souls as payment. If they refuse/laugh at you, mutter under your breath and walk away, proceeding to return a few moments later, acting as if nothing happened. If anyone agrees to your command, appraise him/her disdainfully and tell him/ her that their soul will just not do. This, as you may have guessed, is a 1337 situation.

Situation 2: You find yourself in a position in which you are offered free bananas. You are really hungry, so you eat about seven of them. Unfortunately, this makes you constipated for a day. This has been a very non-1337 situation. And it actually happened to someone I know.

Situation 3: Someone has just punched you in the face. You fall purposely to the ground and start acting like you are having some kind of spasm. However, they think that they have severely injured you and either run away, attempt to help you, or start to kick you. Hopefully they will not do that last one. If they do, though, start coughing up blood, even though I've found that very hard to do on command in the past. This is a very 1337 thing to do.

The rest you will have to figure out on your own. You see, becoming 1337 is something everyone has to do by themself. I won't be your Bodhisattva; you cannot be brought fully to 1337 by those who are. If that were possible, it would defeat the true meaning of 1337. However, I have done my part in steering you down the path, and the choice is yours- will you take it?