“I am an idiot.” I gasped slightly as I heard your familiar voice behind me. “You don’t mind if I sit here, right?” Not waiting for my answer, you slid in and sat next to me. “I really am an idiot,” you repeated. “I feel terrible. Honestly.”

“You are,” I said in a clipped voice that I didn’t recognize. “You are an... idiot. And you should feel guilty.” I stared straight ahead. In front of us, the cheerleaders were doing cartwheels and prancing around. I tried to focus on their routine, just so I wouldn’t have to think about the way your thigh was suddenly close to mine. I could almost feel the heat of your body, radiating through your jeans and warming my leg through my short skirt. I took a deep, shaky breath; reminded myself that I was over you; and turned my attention back to the cheerleaders.

You sighed. “Now that we’ve recognized that, can we move on, please? Let’s not just rehash what we said last night, okay?” It took all my willpower not to turn my head and look at you. Now the cheerleaders were hoisting a skinny girl up on their shoulders. Their faces gleamed with sweat in the late fall sunlight. How come cheerleaders in movies are always mean? I wondered, still trying to think about other things. “Watching the cheerleaders?” Even though I couldn’t see your face, I knew that you were making that sarcastic smirk. “I had no idea you enjoyed pep rallies so much, Rachel.”

“Please go away.” An early November breeze whipped through my hair and turned my bare legs into ice. I folded my arms in front of my chest, asking myself for the millionth time why I hadn’t joined the band. All my friends were in the band, and the band was currently out on the field, played an upbeat march as the cheerleaders continued their performance. If I had chosen to join the band, I wouldn’t have had to sit alone on the bleachers, and maybe you wouldn’t have approached me.

“Rachel... don’t be like this. Please.” This was too familiar. Your pleading, gentle voice was saying the words you’d repeated so many times before. How many times had we gone through these motions? It was as practiced as the tumbling and jumping routine of the girls on the field before us. How many times would we do this again? I remembered last night, sobbing hysterically as I staggered home from that terrible party where I’d caught you with another girl for what must have been the millionth time. I had promised myself never. But now I wasn’t so sure. “Rachel, come on.” I stared at my knees. They were so cold that they looked almost purple. It was gross. I tugged the hem of my skirt down, still refusing to look at you. “Rachel!”

Surprised by the sudden sharpness in your voice, I gave in and turned my head.

You looked wonderful, of course you always do. Wonderful and familiar. Your brown hair was still curling softly against your forehead, you were still wearing that ridiculous old jacket you got for about five dollars at the army store, and your eyes... Your eyes, of course were still the same startling green that they’d been that first wonderful summer when I’d met you. Back when we’d been happy to spend every day together, back when being with you had been fresh and exciting. I wondered how long ago that had been—two years now, maybe three?

“Please, Rachel. Last night I... I wasn’t myself.”

I pulled my arms tighter into my chest, huddling over. “You were being yourself, Eric. That’s the way you always act.” My voice had lost the strange, abrupt tone from before, replaced by dangerously shaky undertones. My face felt warm, and I knew it was getting blotchy, the way it always does when I’m upset. “This always happens!” There was no mistaking it this time, I definitely sounded on the edge of tears.

“Don’t cry—“ you said quickly.

“I wasn’t going to!”

You held out a tissue from your pocket. I clenched it angrily in my fist, not using it even as my vision blurred and a few hot tears leaked onto my cheeks. “Rachel, I know that it was wrong, okay? I don’t know why I do it. Really. I don’t.” I hunched over even more, feeling ridiculous. If only I was in the band... “I want you to know that I’ve permanently sworn never to hook up with any other girls. You’re the only girl I care about.” I looked up again. I saw only earnest hope in your face. “Rachel...” I swallowed. “You’re shivering. You’ll get sick.”

“Eric...” You stared at me so intensely that I felt weak. “You can’t get sick from cold, you only get sick from germs.”

You pulled off your coat. “Yeah, but the germs only affect you when your immune system has been weakened by the cold.” You lifted the coat onto my shoulders. The coat smelled like you—like autumn, smoke, and your skin. I tried not to breathe it in, because I was afraid I might start to cry again. Give the coat back! cried a tiny voice in the back of my mind. Don’t give in again! This will all just repeat itself! I would have given the coat back, I reasoned, but it was too cold. I knew I was lying to myself, but I couldn’t help it.

“You cheated on me,” I whispered. “You promised you would never do it again, and you did.” I finally relented and used the tissue, blowing my nose embarrassingly loudly.

“It was a mistake.”

“Eric... I’m starting to think that maybe,” I took a deep breath, “there are no mistakes.” The wind spun my hair into my face and scattered dry, dead leaves across the frosted grass of the field. The cheerleaders were trying to lead the crowd in out school song. The bleachers thundered as the students around us rose to their feet and began to shout.

“It won’t happen again, Rachel. I promise.” You had to raise your voice to be heard over the din of our classmates.

I sighed, looking up into your face. We both knew that, even though you could have felt sincere now, it wouldn’t be long before our romance crumbled again. We both knew it.

But still... everything about you was familiar and safe. It was as though you were a part of me. And I couldn’t give you up, I realized, even though being with you was like giving up myself. Being with you was the only way I knew. Being without you was like standing alone in the cold, stark winter weather. You stood up, joining the throng, then looked down and reached out your hand down to me.

I grasped it tightly and let you pull me up, and for the rest of the pep rally I stood motionless, encircled in your arms. The coat had finally warmed my cold shoulders, but it was too late.

I had already been weakened by the cold. I had already, once again, handed myself over to feel the temporary warmth.