Diary of Bethany Ann Williams

A journey along the Oregon Trail, A tale of past mistakes and future promises.

January 31, 1855

My name is Bethany Ann Williams. My birthday is May 25, 1834. I am traveling with my good friends Ginny Owens and Rachel & Raymond Lee. Raymond and Rachel are twins. We are heading for the Rogue River Valley in Oregon Country. We are coming from Bedford, Virginia. My family & I moved there when I was sixteen from Lynchburg. Ray, Rachel, & Ginny befriended me and have become people I can trust with everything. They have been the only ones other than my family and those in West Lynchburg to know my secret. Thankfully they only offered more love to me and brought me to meet their (now my) Savior, Jesus Christ, who forgave me of my dark past and made me a child of God. Seeing the change in me, my parents also became Christians and over time my brothers came to know Jesus personally as well.

What dark past could a teenage girl possibly have? A very, dark one is the kind that I possess. My parents didn't attend church but tired to raise me the way that they thought best. Once I turned 14, I began hanging around the wrong crowd. They were a bad influence on me. I rebelled against my parents and would sneak out during the night to hang with my friends. Right before my fifteenth birthday I began talking with this guy who was the worst influence of them all, but he was eighteen and treated me as if I was something. I thought I loved him and that he loved me. About a month after I turned fifteen, I gave him my virginity. I month passed and we continued to be carefree, behind my parents' back. Then I realized I was pregnant. Janie was the first one I told. I thought she was my best friend, but she didn't want anything to do with me afterwards. Jim was the next I told, and the next day he skipped town. I felt so alone. I knew just what I had to do, tell my parents. I did, and instead of scolding me, they just held me and let me cry until I couldn't cry anymore. I was only 15. How could I raise a child when I still had a lot of growing up to do myself? Dr. Wallace told me of an orphanage, so that is what I did. I put Rebekah Ann Williams up for adoption.

She was born on March 23, 1850 after a very painful delivery. She was so beautiful; she had beautiful brown eyes and chestnut-brown fuzz atop her head. I will never forget the heart-shaped birthmark on the side of her neck. She was so much a part of me; it was so painful to say good-bye, but I knew that she deserved better than what I could provide. The days leading up to her birth all I did was cry. I somehow found the time to write a short letter addressed to her and when the lady took Rebekah Ann away, I gave her the letter and told her to make sure that she got it as soon as she was old enough to understand.

It was only months later when we moved to Bedford. We had to. The people in W. Lynchburg were so hateful & unforgiving of my mistake. I couldn't walk out of the house without receiving scornful looks from everyone. Bedford was different. No one knew of Rebekah Ann, and I was able to continue as if things were normal.

Rachel and Raymond lived in the house across the street and Ginny in the house next-door. They invited me to do things with them. I was afraid at first that they would be of similar influence as my friends were before, but I went mainly because I needed some friends. I could tell right away that there was something different about them. They were kind and caring, wanting to help others. They went to church but didn't think that they were better than anybody because of it. They never seemed to be really down about anything either; they always had this internal joy, a constant peace. I asked them why, and they said that they had Jesus in their heart so why should they be sad. I didn't understand this Jesus guy, so they explained Him to me. (This was all about a year after moving to Bedford)

“God loves you so much that he sent His only son Jesus to die for your sins, all your sins were nailed to the cross with Jesus.”

“No that can't be. How can God love someone like me? How can he forgive my sins?”

“He created you; that is the only reason He has to love you.”

“But you don't understand. I haven't lived like I'm supposed to; how can he forgive me?”

“What did you do that was so wrong that He could never forgive you?”

I went on to tell them of my rebelling and the things I got involved in. I ended with my pregnancy and how I gave Rebekah Ann up for adoption. I'll never forget the look of compassion they each had on their face. Each one gathered around me in a hug. I felt so loved and knew that God loved me. After crying our eyes out, I gave my life over to Jesus. I'll never be the same again. They gave me a Bible and invited me to church. I went and I have never felt so much love in one building in my entire life.

There was a noticeable change in the way I went through life after that day. My family noticed it & asked me about it. I told them that I had found new life in Jesus Christ. They wanted to know more about this man.

If he could make his much change in Bethany's life, then maybe I should find out more about him, was what they were thinking. First my mom, then my dad, followed by two of my three younger brothers. Brice is just seven and still doesn't quite understand His need for a Savior.

February 24, 1855

Tonight in order to get to know each other better, we gathered around a large fire. Many dance while the men played their instruments. The four of us just conversed with a few others. I got to see a lot of people that I didn't know were traveling with us. I didn't notice many other people; although, there was one young man that seemed to be paying a good deal of attention to me. Every time I noticed, he was looking at me from across the circle. He finally came over and introduced himself as Brandon MacGregor. We introduced ourselves, then he asked if I would like to dance with him. I excused myself and we shared the next dance. During that time I found that he was from a very small town in North Carolina called Roxboro, which is only about a day's ride from Lynchburg. I told him where I was from. At the end of the dance he asked if he could call upon me at another time.

“Sure,” I told him

February 27, 1855

Brandon came by after we finished eating lunch and asked me to walk with him. I learned that he is traveling alone. He was raised by devoted Christian parents, and he accepted Christ as his Savior when he was only six. He has grown closer to the Lord since. I told him a little of my past, that I grew up for the most part in W. Lynchburg then we moved to Bedford when I was fifteen. He tried to tell me that he was sorry.

“Don't be; Bedford is a much better place. Ray, Rach & Gin are my best friends, they were the ones who introduced me to Jesus Christ.”

March 5, 1855

Brandon is an extremely kind person. He is caring and smart; his smile is so sweet. Not only does he posses those needed qualities, but he's got a very nice build, a great tan, sandy hair and beautiful, green eyes that I could stare at forever. Why do I do this? I think about how perfect a man is, forgetting that he probably wouldn't have anything to do with me if he knew my whole past. How could a person as good as he want to be with someone like me? Even though it's all behind me now, it still wears on me so much.

March 12, 1855

Brandon & I have spent a few more days with each other since. Ginny and Rachel think that it's serious. I don't know what it is. I don't think it will last. Eventually, I will have to tell him all of my past, and he will leave. All the men in my life save Daddy, & Raymond have. Wendy Sams is walking with Raymond. They seem to be interested in each other. Ginny is walking with Henry Woods, and Rachel is spending time with Ronald Duncan. We still spend a lot of time together, just the four of us, but if we're not together, then we are with those other people.

March 21, 1855

Brandon is so sweet. Lord, could he really be the one?

March 23, 1855

“Today is her fifth birthday, y'all,” I brought it up this morning as we were walking.

“Rebekah Ann's?” asked Ginny.

“Umhm.”

“I can't believe it's been that long,” Raymond exclaimed.

“She'll be starting school this summer.”

“How are you doing, Beth?”

“I don't know. I have no idea how she is. Is she smart? Has she been adopted? If so, are they Christians? Is she taken to church? Does she know that she's adopted? What are her adoptive parents like? I have so many questions but no way to answer them.”

“Well, I can answer the first one, Beth. How could she not be smart if she's your child?”

“Thanks, Ray.”

“How often do you think of her?” Rachel asked.

“A lot. Not as much as I used to, but still a lot.”

“Have you told Brandon yet?”

“No, I don't know how to bring it up & if I did, I don't wanna risk him pulling away.”

“Bethany, honey, if he truly cares about you, he’d only want to be there for you as we did.”

“You may be right, but still…”

My eyes flooded with tears, and Rachel went with me into the wagon. I couldn't eat any lunch, and I was still in the wagon when Brandon came by this afternoon.

“Where's Bethany?” I could hear him ask.

“She's not feeling well at the moment,” Ray told him.

“Is she alright?”

“She'll be fine; she just needs some time alone.”

“Okay, tell her I came by.”

“Will do.”

March 24, 1855

“Are you alright, Bethany?”

“Yeah, I'm fine now.”

“Were you sick?”

“Not physically.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

“Not right now, but I will tell you about it later.”

“Okay as long as you promise me that you're going to be okay.”

“I promise; I'll be fine.”

April 1, 1855

Brandon has accepted my promise and moved passed that subject. We have grown closer now although there is still that thing between us. I know what I have to do, but I'm so afraid of losing him.

April 28, 1855

“No, it can't be. It can't!”

“What's the matter, Beth?” Rachel asked.

“Jim, that man looks just like Jim.”

“Jim? Rebekah Ann's father, Jim?”

“Umhmm.” I was terrified. I had just gotten over the way that he used me. I was afraid. What if he wanted me back, found out about Brandon and told him before I got the chance. What was I going to do?

“Calm down, Bethany. Maybe he doesn't even recognize you. It might not even be him, but you've got to calm down.”

“You're right. It's not helping anyone if I act all hysterical.”

May 2, 1855

We had another little gathering tonight. Brandon & I had just finished dancing. Out of breath, we sat down with Ray, Wendy, Rachel, Ronald, Ginny, and Henry. After a minute or two, Jim walked over.

“Hey, Beth baby. How could I have known that you would be heading to Oregon in the same train I was. It's been what five, six years. Did you miss me? I know you did. What about that child? Did you keep it or drop it off on a doorstep somewhere? Well, it doesn't really matter none to me. See you 'round, baby,” Jim walked away, leaving me horrorstruck.

I've got to explain it to Brandon. What is he thinking right now? How could I have waited this long to tell him? Too many thoughts were running through my head. I had to escape; I had to breathe. I got up and ran.

“Bethany, stop. Beth, hold on,” Brandon was running after me. I was foolish to think I could outrun him. He got in front of me and caught me by the arms. “Bethany, what was that all about?”

“It's time I told you. Do you remember back in March when I wasn't feeling so well?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, the twenty-third is my daughter's birthday.”

“Can you explain?”

“I'm getting there…It all started when I was fourteen. I hung around with the wrong crowd and began going against my parents and sneaking out at night. I began seeing Jim. He was 18 and made me feel important. One night after my 15th birthday, he talked me into having sex. I became pregnant. Barely fifteen and with child, I told Jim, but he left town. My parents were the only ones who stuck by me. They loved me and forgave me. I didn't know what to do; I couldn't provide for her. The doctor told us about an orphanage in W. Lynchburg. I gave birth to Rebekah Ann Williams on March 23, 1850. She was so beautiful, but I couldn't give her what she deserved. I gave her up for adoption and we moved to Bedford.”

I looked up into his tender eyes and was amazed to see tears brimming for me. He just wrapped his arms around me and held me tight. I cried and cried. He waited patiently for me to finish.

“Bethany, thank you for telling me, but why did you wait so long?”

“I was afraid that once I told you, you wouldn't want anything to do with me.”

“Oh Beth, look at me. I love you no matter what. That is in the past. You have Christ in your life now. He's forgiven you for it; you need to forgive yourself.”

“Do you really love me, Brandon?”

“Yes, Beth. I know it's only been a short time, but I love you so much.”

“Oh Brandon, I love you, too.”

“What?”

“I love you.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Will you marry me?”

“Yes, if you still love me after this.”

“Oh Bethany,” he lowered his lips to mine.

A wave of emotion rushed over me as our lips locked for the first time. I don't know how long we were like that before we heard Raymond calling our names. We ran to meet him.

“Is everything alright?” he asked.

“Everything’s just perfect,” Brandon answered squeezing my hand.

Raymond pulled me into a hug. “You told him, right?” he whispered.

“Yeah, thank you for the prayers.”

“You’re welcome,” he kissed my forehead, and we walked in blissful silence back to the circle.

“Is everything okay?” Wendy asked.

“Yeah, they’re fine now,” I answered. “Everyone heard, didn’t they?”

“Yes, we did, but Ray explained. I am so sorry Bethany. I couldn’t imagine going through that.”

“Bethany, should we tell them now?” Brandon whispered in my ear.

“I’m worn out for the night.”

“Alright then. I’m going to turn in. G’ night, Bethany,” he kissed my cheek before standing to go to his wagon. Once he had left all eyes were on me.

“What was that all about?” Rachel inquired.

“Nothing,” I said shaking my head at the grinning Raymond. “I’m going to bed. Good night, y’all.”

Lord, thank you so much for Brandon, and the rest of them for being so forgiving and accepting. I love him so much. Things are moving so fast. How can I deal with it all? One moment I thought I was about to lose him forever and the next he’s proposing. Help me, Lord, to be prepared for this commitment. Lord be with Rebekah Ann. Bless her and watch over her as she grows. I pray that she will find You a lot quicker than I did. I don’t want her to go through the same things I did. Please protect her from men like Jim. I also ask that she isn’t furious at me for giving her up for adoption. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

May 4, 1855

Brandon & I told everyone today. We were able to keep it a secret all of one-and-a-half days.

“What’s going on, Beth?” Rachel asked as we were walking.

“What do you mean?”

“I can understand the relief from finally having everything out in the open, but you’re filed with so much happiness. It’s hard to believe that all of it can come from a clear conscience.”

“Yeah, Bethany, you’ve been acting a lot differently since night before last,” Ginny agreed.

Brandon & I had wanted to tell them together. “Who’s to say God doesn’t grant a person with such a peace about their situation, about where they are in life?”

“You’re right; I’m sorry we doubted the amazing ability of our God.”

Ha, I was able to subdue their intuitions for a little while longer. I know & believe that a lot of my peace is from God, knowing that He has saved me for this time in my life. Having told Brandon and not living in fear of him abandoning me has also helped in producing this joy inside of me. Yes, our pending marriage has a lot to do with it, too, but they didn’t need to know that at the moment.

I told them I’d see them at the wagon for lunch—which was only an hour off—then I headed for Brandon’s wagon to walk with him.

“Hi sweetie! How are you?” he greeted embracing me in a tender hug.

“Great, and you?”

“I can only think of two things that would make me happier.”

“And those would be?”

“Entering the commitment of marriage together, and watching our children grow.”

“Well first we have to tell everyone of our engagement. They are bugging me to death. Can you ask Pete to handle you wagon so we can tell them?”

“Our wagon, and okay,” we walked hand in hand to the waiting nosy-bodies. Their eyes filled with joy when we told them the news.

“That’s wonderful, Beth, Really,” Rachel exclaimed.

“I was wondering when you’d get up the courage to ask,” Ginny directed at Brandon. “Ray, you don’t looked that surprised.”

“Well, I’m not. That night when y’all sent me to make sure they were alright, I stumbled across a very, meaningful kiss. And I could tell especially from previous conversations with Brandon.”

May 10, 1855

“Can you tell me what conversations Ray was referring to?” I asked as we walked together this evening.

“Aye, I can.”

“Well?” waiting for his answer.

“Okay, well, you know that Ray & I have become great friends. He was the only one that I told of my feelings for you before confessing them to you. And I’ve sensed that there was something that you weren’t telling me. I didn’t think anything could become of us until you shared it with me. I confided with Ray; he seemed convinced that you would tell me when you saw fit and that we needed to be together.”

“Oh, Brandon, if I knew that was what was keeping us apart I would have told you sooner.”

“But Beth, you know that would not have been in God’s timing.”

“Aye, you’re right.”

May 15, 1855

Lord, grant me with the wisdom to know that I’m doing the right thing. Brandon makes me feel wonderful. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. He’s a great, Christian man who loves me and cherishes me even after I told him about Rebekah Ann. I’ve seen him with the children in the train. He will make a wonderful father. I don’t care about finances, but a carpenter will provide. Oh, but none of that matters because I love him. Thank you, Lord, for reaffirming my decision.

July 1, 1855

We’ve set a date for the wedding. In two weeks.

July 15, 1855

Brandon & I were walking today.

“Brandon, I’m sorry.”

“What for, sweetheart?”

“For not waiting. Before Jesus rescued me, I didn’t think it was a big deal, but now I see it matters a whole lot. I’m sorry I messed it up.”

I couldn’t describe the look in his eyes as he took my hands in his.

“I love you, Bethany. It would have been wonderful had you saved yourself, but it’s not changing my mind about you,” he put my hands around his neck then caressed my cheeks with his finger. He titled my head to his.

“I love you,” I whispered as his lips met mine once more.

Tomorrow’s the big day.

November 15, 1846

“Good morning, Mrs. MacGregor,” Brandon awakened me with a kiss.

“Morning, my love.” The winter air was too cold and made me shiver. Brandon wrapped his arms tighter around me. “Would you like your birthday present now?”

“Not if you have to get up.”

“I don’t. Just give me your hand.” With his hand in mine I placed it on my still flat stomach. “Happy Birthday, Daddy!”

“Are you serious!?” he asked with such big eyes.

“Yes, we’ve got a ways to go, but in about eight months.”

“Have I told you ‘I love you’ recently?”

“Multiple times a day, but I never tire of it.”

“I love you, Beth,” he said kissing me again.

“Are you ready for breakfast?”

“Aye.”