AN from Lain: sorry this took so long. D: I apologize. To be honest, I don’t even remember exactly what the first part of this chapter says. :D

Chapter Eighteen
Noah

I stare at the door to Pastor Brenner’s office, trying to swallow down a lump in my throat as my stomach begins to churn. I’ve been in the office before. As a kid I came in here to look at the fish in Pastor Brenner’s aquarium, and just last year I was in here to discuss college options with him, but now I feel like I’m on my way to detention…or certain death.

My mom clears her throat behind me and she puts one hand on my shoulder, her nails digging into me. I jump, not realizing that she decided to follow me inside. “Would you like your father and me to go in there with you?”

I shake my head slowly. Being with Pastor Brenner will be bad enough. I don’t need my mother’s scrutinizing glare as well. Taking a deep breath, I push open Brenner’s door and step into the air-conditioned room.

Pastor Brenner is sitting behind his desk, his hands folded neatly on its surface, staring at a crucifix hanging on the opposite wall.

I clear my throat but his eyes don’t wander from the cross. I squirm momentarily before muttering a nervous, “My parents said you wanted to see me?” Finally his eyes slide to me and he nods.

“Have a seat.”

I do as he says, fidgeting some more as he blinks slowly at me. This isn’t good. I should’ve stayed with Eve at McDonald’s, but even there I wasn’t exactly feeling that great. I mostly just felt…sad. I frown and stare down at my hands, urging myself not to think about it.

“Noah, do you know why I had you come here?” Brenner asks and I mumble out a no. “I’m surprised… I thought it’d be pretty obvious. You see, I wanted to speak to you about what happened during the service today.”

“Oh…well…” Do I apologize? If I apologize, I feel I’ll be betraying Eve. If I don’t, I feel like I’ll be disrespecting God. Before I can pick sides, Pastor Brenner continues.

“Such a disturbance wasn’t acceptable. While I greatly appreciate the fact that you’re attempting to convert that boy, he’ll not be welcomed into our church again if he’s going to make such a scene in our Father’s house.”

“I don’t think he really gives a crap either way,” I mumble.

“What was that?”

“I said I didn’t think he’d react that way.” I feel awful for lying to my pastor and momentarily wonder if he can read my mind but he smiles softly so I allow myself to breathe.

“I understand…but what I don’t understand is why you’re continuing to associate with him. Your parents have come to me deeply concerned more than once. You’re hurting them, Noah, and for what purpose?”

I want to make excuses. I want to say that I’m Eve’s tutor and that’s why I’m doing this. Or maybe say that I’m the reason why his older sister died and I just feel terribly guilty and need to do this. I want to tell the truth. I want to tell my pastor, the man who baptized me when I wasn’t even a month old and has watched me grow up, that I love Everto Minelli.

Instead, I mumble that Eve’s my best friend. “He’s my only real friend,” I add after a moment that passes with Brenner just staring at me.

He shoots me a reproachful look and I wince. I just don’t want to be in here anymore… “That’s worth throwing away your love and respect for your parents? Don’t you remember the Fourth Commandment, Noah? And what about college? The last time we spoke, you said you wanted to go to the synod’s seminary to study to become a pastor. Are you still serious about that or has this…this friendship of yours led you to stray from your future goals as well? I know that this is probably just a phase that you’re going through, but it’s not worth it. This…this thing you’re doing is a sin, Noah, and just like any sin, it needs to be confessed and repented for. Give this up and go to the Lord for forgiveness while you still can. Everyone’s so worried about you.”

He’s preaching to me. And all I hear is the law. That I’m a sinner who’s doing something unforgiveable. That I deserve hell. There’s no gospel here. No promise of forgiveness. He’s making me feel like I’ll spend all eternity in burning, agonizing fire for this. For Eve. I think of waking up beside Eve, his warmth pressed against me…his hair messed up and his face gentle…his smile and his sweetness…his rudeness that still sometimes hurts but is just becoming an accepted part of him. Maybe I don’t want to be forgiven for liking Eve. Maybe I don’t even need to be forgiven for it…

I stand up, my legs shaking. “I’m still thinking about school. I’ll get back to you about it…” I turn and shuffle across the room to the door, the aquarium bubbling and humming behind me and Jesus staring down at me from the crucifix. I feel like I’m going to be sick.

My hand wraps around the doorknob, but before I can turn it and run far from this office, Pastor Brenner speaks again, making me freeze.

“We’re praying for you, Noah. Remember that.”

I duck out of the room, tears stinging my eyes. I want to crawl in there and beg for Pastor Brenner to help me get out of my sin. I want to cry to my mom. I want to cry to Eve and have him make me feel better, and that overrides all the other things I want to do at the moment, so I hurry outside to my parents’ car, but Eve is no longer there.

I slide into the backseat and my parents glance back at me.

“Where’d Eve go?” I ask before they can ask me anything or say anything.

My dad glances at my mom who opens her mouth and shrugs. “He seemed pretty eager to get home so I told him he could just go there.”

“Oh…” I don’t try to hide that I’m disappointed. I frown some more. “Can we just go home now…?”

-

Being at home doesn’t feel much better. I pace around my room, restless and I unable to stop thinking about what Brenner said and what I could’ve or should’ve said. And then my mind wanders to Eve’s beliefs about an afterlife…or a lack thereof. And I really don’t want to think about that. The belief of heaven and hell is just natural for me. I grew up with that being taught to me and the thought of someone else…especially someone I love…not having the same beliefs is just so hard. And why did he just leave? I told him we’d drive him home…

Maybe he was mad at me. I don’t think I did anything to make him mad…except for toting him to church. Maybe…maybe I should go to his house to check up on him…

I pull myself from my bed and creep to my bedroom door, opening it a crack. I can hear my parents talking downstairs and the smell of hot food cooking rises up to my nose. They’re making dinner. I can sneak out and run there quickly without them noticing. Hopefully.

I slip out of my room and tiptoe down the hall and then the stairs to the front door. Just as my fingers touch the doorknob, my dad says my name from somewhere behind me. I whirl around and stare at him as he stands in the living room, drying his hands on a dishtowel.

“Noah, where are you going? Dinner’s almost ready.”

“Uhh… I’m just going out.”

“Where…?”

“T-to… Just… You know.” I shrug and make a mental note to work on my lying sometime, even if it is a sin. It’s still very useful.

“Are you going to…his house?” he asks, glancing toward the kitchen and lowering his voice.

“I wanted to…”

“Well… I want you back before nine. And don’t tell your mother I let you go…” He turns his back on me and walks back to the kitchen where I hear him start talking to my mom. What just happened? My dad’s letting me go to Eve’s? Before he can come in and take it back, I slip out of the house and hurry down the sidewalk.

It’s getting dark and I’m slightly afraid as I hurry down the sidewalk, glad that this time I at least have a jacket on and not just Eve’s robes. I run the rest of the way there nonetheless, extremely out of breath by the time I collapse across a car parked out front. A car’s a good sign at least. It means that someone’s home and that means I don’t have to run back home to freeze and be around my mother.

When I ring the doorbell after leaving the car, though, no one answers.I knock next and press my ear against the door, but I can’t hear anyone inside.

“Hello? Is anybody home?” My hand wanders to the doorknob and I give it a try. It’s unlocked and I’m soon inside where it’s warm and feeling can return to my fingers. “Hello?” No one answers, but I can hear the sound of music floating to my ears. I follow it to Eve’s bedroom door and grin, shoving the door open.

The grin melts off my face and lands in a gooey puddle at my feet as soon as I see what’s waiting for me. Eve’s on his back in his bed, a body above his, a mouth latched around one of his nipples. Walking in on a naked boy on top of my naked boyfriend means that the latter is cheating on me with the afore mentioned naked boy.

I don’t know what to do. I’m frozen in the doorway, watching the boy’s mouth move from one nipple to the other. Should I run away? Should I yell or cry? Should I go retrieve a knife from the kitchen and stab Eve in the back like he’s doing to me?

“I hate you!” I finally find myself saying. The guy looks up and recognition floods through me. The guy from the party. Brad. Boyfriend number one…the one that Eve cheated on...just like he’s cheating on me. The irony that he’s cheating on me with the guy he previously cheated on is not lost on me, and it only makes me angrier. “You!” I raise a shaking finger and point to Brad as he slides off Eve and pulls a blanket around his shoulders. “You.”

“Me? You came here to see little ol’ me? How’d you know I’d be here? Did Eve send you an invite?”

Eve… “No. You!” I shift my finger till it’s pointing at Eve again and he stares at me blankly. “What were you thinking, Eve?” I demand and he groans, lifting his up to rub at his eyes.

“Nothing. Which was the point of starting to drink. I think. I don’t really remember, and that could’ve been the point too…” he mumbles, taking one of his hands from his eyes to point to the tipped over, half empty bottle of some kind of alcohol on the floor beside the bed.

“So…you’re drunk? You mean…you mean Brad took advantage of you?” I glare at Brad once more and he rolls his eyes. Because Eve’s drunk, it means that he really didn’t want to be with Brad at all and this means nothing. I disregard the fact that the first time Everto and I ever…did anything together, I was drunk myself and it definitely meant something to me…but Brad doesn’t need to know that. “You’re disgusting,” I spit.

“And you’re annoying and shrill,” Brad counters, grinning brightly at me.

“Actually you’re both pretty annoying and…and shrill,” Eve corrects, rolling onto his stomach and sliding his head beneath his pillow.

“Well, he sure seems pleased to see you,” Brad comments. “Maybe you should just leave, blondie.”

“I’m not leaving!” Oh, no. I sound like my mom when she gets angry… “You need to leave. Eve’s my boyfriend!”

“He sure seems like a really good one too. Does he do this often? Get drunk and fuck past partners? You are so lucky to have him, kiddo. It’s really good to know that he hasn’t changed since we were going out.”

I don’t want to hear him talking about when they used to go out. I don’t want to hear him insulting the two of us. I don’t want to see him either. “Get out,” I order. “He’s mine and you need to just back off and never come back here again!”

“Yours, is he?” He leans back, his hand falling on the back of Eve’s leg and running up to stop on Eve’s butt. “I had him first…and it looks like I have him now.”

I stare at his hand, unable to meet his eyes. I want to hurt him. I don’t even care if that’s not christianly of me. I want to throttle him. But I can’t seem to make myself do it. Instead I feel tears coming to my eyes as I squeeze my eyes shut tight and grit my teeth. “But he’s my boyfriend… I love him, Brad… I love him more than I could ever explain…”

“Oh, god,” Brad sighs and my eyelids slide open while my tears pour free. “Love? I kind of feel sick now.” He gets up and I watch him put on his clothes. He walks up to me and I wait for him to hit me or laugh in my face, but instead he puts a hand on my shoulder. “Good luck with him, buddy…” And with that, he’s gone. A moment later I hear a car start up outside. He’s really gone. I won this battle.

I practically run across the room and fall to my knees beside Eve’s bed, pulling the pillow off his head and meeting his bloodshot, tired eyes.

“Eve… I… I really…” I stammer as I reach forward and run my hand through his sweaty hair, but before I can get any intelligible words out, he opens his own mouth and cuts me off.

“I…uh…guh…” But instead of words coming from his mouth, vomit leaves it instead, pooling on the mattress beside him as he coughs and splutters.

“Are you okay? Eve?” He mumbles something and lies his head down on the mattress, not moving again. “Eve! Everto! Knock it off!” I reach out and shake his shoulder, but he doesn’t stir. What if this is my fault? What if I made him upset and this is all my fault? I get ready to panic, but when I begin to fidget, my knee hits something and I look down. The alcohol bottle. He’s drunk, right? And drunk people get sick and pass out if they drink enough. But what do I do? There’s puke soaking into his blankets and the room reeks. I can’t just leave him like this…especially if something bad happens like he throws up and chokes on his puke or something bad happens with his liver… Could that even happen?

I grit my teeth and make a decision. I need to help him.

I quickly stand up and run over to the other side of the bed, grab his arm, and give him a yank till he topples off the side of the bed and lands on the floor with a soft groan. I pat his back gently and get up, stripping his bed and carrying the sour smelling blankets out of the room. But I’m not sure where to put them, so I wander till I find the bathroom and throw them into the shower, telling myself that I’ll have to apologize to Eve’s parents for not properly taking care of them later. I can’t stop to worry about that now. I run back to Eve and he’s right where I left him, and still breathing to my relief.

Not sure of what to do now, I hike him back onto the bed, grunting and sweating until he’s settled down in the middle of the mattress, groaning unintelligibly at me. I sigh and lie down beside him, pressing my face into his shoulder. Everything I did today rushes through my head and before I know it, I’m crying again and clinging onto Eve as hard as I can.

We’re both still lying there when the bedroom door opens and the light turns on. I jump and sit up, surprised to see Eve’s parents standing in the doorway.

“Hello, Noah!” Mr. Minelli jovially greets, seemingly not caring that his naked son is lying in bed beside me. “We weren’t expecting you.”

I blush and sit up. “Uh, this isn’t… I mean… Eve’s sick,” I stammer. “I didn’t know what to do, so I stayed here with him…”

Mrs. Minelli sweeps into the room and to her son, smoothing the hair back from his face as I awkwardly fidget at the foot of the bed.

“I should get home,” I announce and stand up after a long moment, walking to the door where Mr. Minelli still stands.

He sighs and backs up to let me through. “Did you walk?” he asks, following me to the front door and I nod. “I’ll give you a ride home.”

I think of how my mom might see the car and recognize Mr. Minelli when we get there, but at the moment I don’t care. I’m exhausted and I don’t want to be alone at the moment. I nod and head outside after giving one more long look toward Eve’s room, hoping he’s all right.