Once upon a time, there lived a strange young man named Gary. He lived in a two story time-share apartment with his Scandinavian roommate Bob, and Bob’s scantily clad Swedish wife, Akvilina.

Gary was a strange young man, and being a strange young man, he was quite strange. In being strange, he did strange things that strange young men do strangely, and does them strangely in a strange sort of strange way, because he’s strange.

Gary was a unique sort of strange person. Instead of dismantling U.S. mailboxes and swivel chairs sold at office supply stores for spare parts, Gary spent nearly all his time on his computer, whom he named Billy Bob Thornton, paying homage to the actor. He nicknamed it PoisonNullByte.

He carried PoisonNullByte everywhere he went. He treasured it as a diabetic treasures their epi-pens. Addicted to the machine like a crack addict, if he went for extended periods of time without contact or use of his computer, he’d start to shiver and quake uncontrollably, quickly escalating into full-out seizures reminiscent of epileptic fits.

One day, Gary got the incredible idea to hack the IRS database, and download a secret government-created virus which would mail a letter to each and every household saying ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! That would spark conspiracy theorists and send the entire country into a state of confused, discombobulated panic!

The task took him a total of fifteen minutes to complete. Unfortunately, he was too busy with his little dance of happiness of the completion of this insane mission to remember to delete the system log file, instantly allowing the IRS to pinpoint his IP address, and thus his exact location.

Which happened to the middle of a toy store, at the moment.

Suddenly, the air was filled with a thousand silvery projectiles, raining down upon Gary as if the gods themselves were punishing him. But none of them hit him. Magically. That’s when he remembered that he was standing on top of the head of Jimmi the leprechaun, who was mystically immune to bullets.

Then the agents of the IRS came. Bullets whizzing by his head, Gary ducked into one of the many isles of the toy store to avoid his imminent demise. Noticing a bright red tricycle in the corner, he quickly grabbed it by the handle bars and threw himself onto the seat, keeping hold PoisonNullByte all the while.

The agents rounded the isle corner just in time to see him speeding off on his three-wheeled speed machine. Getting a sudden idea, the five agents grabbed tricycles of their own, speeding off after him, buns blazing in the chase.

On the way by, Gary snagged a foam dart gun, hoping to use it as a distraction while fleeing from his oppressors. Taking aim carefully, he turned to face the agents and fired one dart, watching in slow motion as the dart sped towards the leading agent’s forehead. It smashed into his skull, knocking him off his tricycle and he was dragged under the wheels of the following man. His tricycle sped off into the wall and exploded in a blazing ball of pyrotechnic flame.

The other four agents stared at Gary, their faces hardening as they vowed vengeance for their leader’s untimely demise. Shooting randomly, they hopped that a stay bullet would plug Gary in the side of the knee, or perhaps the back of his shoulder, disabling him temporarily.

With his dart gun reloaded, Gary carefully looked behind him again, taking aim to kill a second agent. Firing hesitantly, the dark flew true to its mark, shooting through the agent’s mouth, making him choke to death. His tricycle swiveled out of control, smashing into two others in a catastrophic ball of flame and death.

The last agent speed up to Gary, and jumped off of his tricycle into Gary, knocking them both into the tile floor. They wrestled around on the ground then, mashing and smashing each other into the shelves and tile flooring, picking each other up and tossing the other across the room with a raging fury.

Finally, after much brawling, the agent was about to collapse. With one last look at Gary, he reached inside his coat pocket, revealing a hammer. Without warning, he smashed the blunt end of the hammer through his own skull, splattering his brains and blood all over the wall and floor.

And thus Gary was free of the IRS agent threat. He had successfully downloaded his annoyance virus into the IRS database, and defeated all five agents the IRS sent after him. Chuckling to himself, he walked out the door of the toy store, stepping foot upon the pavement of the parking lot, only to be hit by a stampeding horde of angry rodents.

Gary died in extreme pain on the way to the hospital.