Bryson Orr

Age: 16

10th Grade

The Duct Tape Scandal

By

Bryson Orr

Crash! The cabinet fell off the wall for the second time. Joann was fed up with trying to fix it. She carefully picked her way through the shattered canning jars all over the floor and made her way to the phone. Joann thought the cabinet was strong enough to hold the weight of fifty-five quart sized jars but, it wasn’t. As a result, the cabinet pulled away from the wall and fell; destroying the months worth of canned beans and tomatoes.

Flipping to the business section, she looked up a local number. G. H. Repair. The add only contained that one line as well as a phone number. The repair man did not want to pay for a bigger ad, but Joann’s neighbor said the man would fix anything.

George Harrison just sat down to read yesterdays paper, (they come cheaper a day late), when the phone rang. A distressed woman requested his services with a collapsed cabinet. Climbing into his 1964 Oldsmobile, he roared off to meet the call. He arrived at Joann’s house to a seen of utter confusion and disaster. After analyzing the situation, George decided his normal means of fixing things wouldn’t be enough. So he trotted back to his silver car and pulled out his tools. George suddenly found his arm stuck to the body of the car. He drew back sharply only to find the duct tape that was supposed to prevent his car from rusting, claimed some of his arm hair. Joann called from the house for him to hurry so, he ran back to fix the cabinet.

“I want this hung back on the wall like it was before, only it needs to be stronger so it can hold the canning jars instead of just dumping them all over the floor. Now I am going out to run some errands, just leave a bill on the counter when your finished.” instructed Joann.

“Will do,” replied George. He whipped out his tools and went to work. Several hours later, Joann came home and was pleased to see the cabinet up and ready for use.

Meanwhile, George received another call on his car phone, so he puttered away in his old clunker to answer the request. “Whoa!” he exclaimed as he hit the floor on his way into Dairy Queen.

“Sorry,” apologized the manager, “There’s a hole in our ice cream maker. We would like you to fix it with something that insulates well but doesn’t create any chemical reactions with the ice cream.”

“No problem.” groaned George Harrison as he picked himself up from the sticky puddle. Seeing the job was just an ordinary one, he pulled out a roll of regular duct tape and set about fixing the hole. “You know, you really should get rid of those squirrels, or else they might chew another hole in this machine somewhere else.”

“Yes, could you find how they get in and stop up the holes for us too? Customers aren’t very happy when they find teeth marks on their cups or hair in their shakes.” requested the manager.

“Sure not a problem.” replied George.

Upon inspecting the patch the repair man installed ten minutes later, the manager said, “This looks good, but will duct tape hold up enough and keep the ice cream from melting?”

“Sure will,” replied George, “Its an inch thick and is a better insulator than anything else you can find. Besides, its cheap and saves us both money.” George went on to fix the squirrel problem, received his payment, and left, only to find another message on his car phone. A homeowner outside of town was in desperate need of help.

When he arrived, George observed sparks shooting from one of the windows. “I’ve seen quite a few things in my days but nothing like this.” he exclaimed.

“Oh this is terrible,” the housewife shrieked. “The house is going to catch on fire, this will cost a truckload of money, and worst of all, the turkey’s going to burn if I can’t get to the oven!”

“Yep, sounds pretty bad alright.” stated George. “It is a neat firework show though. Don’t worry, I’ll fix it in no time.” George stepped up to the breaker box in the garage and killed the power to the house, immediately ending the sparks and the threat of a fire. George found the split power cord and repaired it with universal electrical tape. Otherwise known as duct tape. After replacing the dry wall over the wires, he sprayed it with Wal Mart paint to complete the job. The burn marks were all gone and it looked like nothing ever happened. George flipped the breaker back on and came back on. Bob and Lucy, the homeowners, invited George to supper, and the turkey wasn’t even burnt.

With a full stomach, George drove home walked into the house and gagged as the stench of natural gas reached his nose. The repair man pulled out his handy dandy duct tape and set out to find the offending pipe. Unfortunately, there were six leaks from various appliances. But in due time, George taped them all up.

The next several weeks continued in a similar fashion. George earned a reputation around town for a great repair man who knew how to fix things. His business opened just a month ago here, and people felt sorry for him because he drove a car long overdue in the junkyard that looked like it sported more duct tape on it than the National Emergency Duct Tape Stock stored in its nuclear bomb proof tunnels. So, many people gave him generous tips and offered him to stay for a meal, which he always accepted. Unknown to all, George was a very wealthy man. As a typical miser, he never spend more than he absolutely had to, which is why his phone began to ring of the hook.

George pressed the play button on his ancient phone and what he heard wasn’t surprising. “Sir, when we cleaned the ice cream maker, the plug melted. We cannot open tomorrow until you come and fix it.” complained the Dairy queen manager.

“George Harrison, my house just caught on fire because your ‘fix’ just melted! I want a refund!” screamed Lucy.

“Sir you know the tree house you built for my son? Well this mornings storm just obliterated it. Next time use nails instead of duct tape. Luckily my son was not in it at the time or else I would press charges. Come and fix it as soon as possible.” commented a concerned father. There were twenty more messages from clients complaining about his repair jobs. George was not bothered much by these messages, but the last one was the worst.

“You call yourself a repair man? You stupid demented person! Duct tape does not hold a cabinet filled with a months worth of work on the wall! You just ruined my prized cans of prunes that I was going to take the fair this weekend. I demand a refund for my damaged produce. I never want to see you again!” Joann steamed.

George felt insulted. “That was the best duct tape money can buy. I even used industrial duct tape and a little bit of military duct tape. That stuff’s bullet proof. She shouldn’t have put so much stuff in it.” he complained. George knew the time had come for him to skip town like the other times this had happened. He strode to his car to retrieve his suitcase while he thought about what he should change his name to. A muffled boom followed by a roar echoed down the street. Turning around he watched as his house exploded into a ball of flames. Falling to the ground, George began to weep.

He missed a leak in his gas line and it had built up immense pressure in his basement. To him the basement was known as his bank; his life savings from twenty seven years of miserly conduct and duct tape repairs. The heater in the basement overheated and exploded, causing the natural gas to ignite and reduce his house to ashes; including more cash than the local bank had ever transacted in thirty years. George Harrison was devastated. He did not know what to do. He crawled into his duct tape mobile and drove away from the town as fast as the car would go.

As a miser, George just lost his life’s goal and work. There was nothing else for him to cling to. It would take another twenty-seven years to regain what he had before. It just wasn’t worth it. George left the town and was never seen again. News got around and the FBI began an investigation to track down Jack Davison, otherwise known as Jim Davis, Bill Smith, George Harrison, and many other aliases to over three hundred towns across the United States. The FBI could not find him and wondered where he hid. Their question was soon answered when a week later a news bulletin appeared in the paper. “1960’s Duct Tape Oldsmobile Drove Off Rim Of Grand Canyon Doing 65 MPH.” As a boy, Davison dreamed of becoming famous and eventually appearing in history books for being the richest man in the world. Two of his wishes came true. Jack Davison and his occupation has since been known as the infamous Duct Tape Scandal. The world will always remember that man and what he did, especially his victims. Many people may wonder if duct tape sales dropped after this. Well, not all of Davison’s repairs failed. Several worked and are being applied today. Many people wonder why the St. Louis arch looks silver and why it has been predicted to last one thousand years. Davison was one of the repair men called in to fix the arch when something cracked or bent. Duct tape has been used to fix it ever since.