Avoiding Names: Guilt
Posted 2/19/06

Looking up, the moon shines through the small window, a lighthouse for my hopes. But I am stuck. Confined. This claustrophobic iron monstrosity in which I dwell fills me with disgust as I curl up into a small ball, seeking warmth. Only those who have done the unforgivable must experience this aloneness. My mind screams out to the passing guards, Help! Don’t you see? I’m dying here. My heart slows down with every passing second, but I will it to be so. How can I bear to live in such a pitiful state? After all that I’ve done.

The orange jumpsuit drapes over my skeletal figure, its thinness providing no comfort to my bones. I am chilled, chilled to the core. But for once, I don’t really care. It all ends here. My decisions have spun everything into ruin. What happened that day was entirely my fault, and nothing I can do will ever fix it. It’s too late. Tears well up in my eyes, and I try to push them back, but that is like trying to hold back a giant flood with one little pebble: nearly impossible. The salty wetness flows down my cheeks, staining my already dirty face with tracks of pain and sorrow. Why can’t I just go back?

If only there was a way. If only I could go back in time, back to the day when it happened. Maybe, just maybe, I could have done things differently. It didn’t have to turn out like it did, did it? Their faces swarm over my head, looking down at me with disgust and contempt. My mother, her lip curled, “You are not my daughter,” she snarls. “No child of mine would dream of doing what you did.” Oh, mother! The familiar wrenching pain fills my chest as their faces flash before my eyes once again, their voices echoing in my head.

I remember the day that he came to see me. He looked down on my tragic form with such pity, such anger. I quail constantly under that glare. Every second of every day I wish that I had done the right thing. Why am I still here? This torture is slowly killing me; body, mind, and soul. My resolve seeps away through the leak in this cold rock floor. I reach out to his image one last time to caress his beautiful face. He is too wonderful for me. My lips quiver as I cry to him one last time. I’m sorry……