I lay on my stomach, reading the latest Twist. Well… minus the reading so much as checking out the pics. Internally groaning as I was returned back to the house. Back to the place I dread with closed eyes.

I wonder to myself, why?… what really happened back there? Is it worth all this worrying? Guess I’ll never know anything. I thought I’d belong when I’m around him. I didn’t feel so solitaire with him.

Buffy’s downstairs discussing “Scoobie” matters with Xander. Tara’s not so much with us. I still think of her. Willow’s with Giles in England getting better. I’m glad for her. It’s going to be hard though. Anya told everyone it was Xander who stopped Willow. He’s why I’m still here. Makes me shake just thinking about it. The power of friendship actually surpassed vieny Willow. We were all worried.

I couldn’t possibly know what that means. What that could mean. Maybe I do. One person, I tried to bring her back with me. I really thought I had no one else who had loved me. My journal appeared to me my only lone outlet. I still think of that day. When I tore that picture. I think that’s when I realized it was over. I still don’t know where she went or how I felt afterward. I think wherever she is, its in a better place. Maybe she’s happy like Buffy.

That day will always stay with me. The moment she came back, I didn’t know how or why, then there was Willow. She risked a lot to bring her into our lives again. The bot was the best we could do. Still… I would sometimes sleep in the same room with something that isn’t real. Sounds to me like I’m referring to myself really.

Now, the “real” thing feels confining. Just can’t wait for tomorrow to come faster. On the brink of my toe, I wait. That’s all it is. Life couldn’t be any more boring when you’re me. I’ve always hated school. Can’t seem to focus on studying. I’m curious most of the time. I’m feeling weird around guys.

I learned all about this shit from 7th grade yada yada. They actually think preteens are fucking around when we’re 12. Making fucking with people makes more sense. It’s a joke but no big, I never cared either way.

It’s like this desire I have. Always had honestly. The next guy I see I wanna do… something to. Like I don’t know yet. All I know is my clit’s been killing me lately.

I think I’m turning into a dude or something. I never thought I’d be this obsessed with sex. I mean, I know what goes where, minus the part where they hide everything with the whole “don’t have sex or you’re gonna die.” Seriously, what do they take us for? I’ve known all I know about sex from Janice mostly. Her mom had her when she was our age.

I know its wrong to think about but what else could I do? I wanted to jump Spike as soon as I saw him. Explains the behavior. Also, he’s Courtney Love crazy and that’s fucking hot!

I’ve had 2 crushes so far: Xander and Spike not far behind. Well behind me… I hope. Xander I really considered him someone I could like. Seemed like he was someone who I could hang with. We had had friend type moments and mainly because I think at times he could relate to me. Except Anya. I think most of us could seriously do without her. Except Xander apparently. And they really think I’m the one that’s irritating. Goy. Xander could understand that but he’s downstairs with the major wigged out Buffy. Oh joy.

Now that I’m thinking about it… Buffy’s had everything I wanted. The powers, the body, the sex, she lived with Mom longer. There’s more but its too depressing to bring up. Even, dare I mention, the sexiest most coolest guy ever. Spike. What makes Spike so fucking hot, let’s see… Well, not including the fact that he “loved” my sister. Ew, I shake my head every time I remember how I or really, everyone found out. He’s got really hot clothes. I like his hair. He’s really confident. I adore that. Something I know I’ll never be if it killed me. Not my bag.

Man, oh god, I’m starting to get wet. Just thinking of him does this to me. That’s rich. I bite my lip, should I? Well, everyone is downstairs so… I brought my fingers to my lips, sticking out my tongue, dabbing them wet for my already drenched pussy. I trail my hand down my jeans, in search of my destination. I felt so hot, so tremulous. I was almost shaking when my fingers start to circle my clit. I’m still trying to figure this whole thing out. I actually get nervous when I do it.

Thinking of Spike alone was enough. I always was curious how big he is. Probably anything in the 8½ inches, nice and thick. I’d rather have something big and thick on my first time, maybe that way I can feel something. I had had dreams of what my first time would be like. I would only wish and hope
he would feel what I’m feeling. Really feel.

“Oh, fuck!” I came hard, fast. My legs were shaking violently.

In fact, everything in me was shaking. I was so horny. I felt like I was gonna fuck everything in sight now. I sat up, retracting my hand out of my jeans and stood up slowly. I had to find him. I needed him right now. Whatever way I was going to go about it, he needed to be with me. It was like a primal surge I had inside me.

I knew what I had to do. I started climbing out the window and going down the side plant wood stairs on the corner. I hopped down and turned myself around.

I suddenly felt myself getting wetter than before.