The Modern-Fundamentalist Song

By: Richard Lynch

(Note: Sung to the tune of the “Modern Major-General Song”; a patter song by Gilbert & Sullivan)

o o o o o

I am the very model of a modern-fundamentalist
I’ve information Vatican, viatical and nihilist
I know the ways of my church; I quote scripture from my memory
I damn the heathens out there who just choose to not agree with me
The others, though, that follow with, I love, we form a brotherhood
For they indeed know how to act, and do show others how they should
Science men are not bad men, they just don’t have their info straight
And men like me see their mistakes and laugh at their eternal fate

My church is absolute, that is a fact with which we all agree
I can’t imagine why the ones against us just choose not to see!
In short with matters Vatican, viatical and nihilist
I am the very model of a modern-fundamentalist!

I care not what others think of me; in the end I know I’m right
But attempt to change the others to my faith, I just think I might
For when He sees how the collective sins and we all say farewell
I will not be caught dead having all of them drag me down to hell
So in terms of this my dear church makes us all stand around and look
And swear to Him that we will follow every word of the Big Book
We’ll crusade across our land, spreading word and shedding more than love
In the name of our creator who looks down on us from above

So in lieu of all of this, I call out to you a solemn plea:
When you see me on the ballad, you will be sure to vote for me!
In short with matters Vatican, viatical and nihilist
I am the very model of a modern-fundamentalist!

o o o o o