My name is Thaddeus Becker and I have something to say, I was raped and abused by my older brother for eight years of my life. From the time I escaped to now I have been living my life day by day. I will never have the wife I’d wanted, or the house I’d dreamed of. I would never have children. I have learned to deal with the facts however and I have learned to deal with them because of one person.

There have been two men in my life that have made any kind of a difference in my heart. The first tore me to shreds and buried me alive and bleeding into a shallow grave. The second picked up the pieces, dug me out, and put the shards together, all of them he could find anyway. This is the story of the second man, the one who tried to make everything better with more than just kind words and a friendly hug of encouragement. He went farther than the barriers of society and put me together with glue that could not be broken by anybody but us. He was more than just a man, he was an angel.

I won’t even touch on the horrors that went on in my brother’s bar; that is another story for another time. What it left me with is different. It left me with nothing but fear, paranoia, and that sinking feeling that I was, in fact, masochistic. That can give you a little idea of what my brother was doing. I also thought I was gay. Not because I was born that way or because my brother tried to convince me I was, it was because even though he had done terrible, terrible things…there was still the little feeling in the pit of my stomach that someday, if I found someone who really loved me, it could feel good.

I was running anyway, but I had no where to run to. I decided on St. Louis. It seemed in the middle of everything, and coming from New York City it was pretty far away, just an average city that my brother would never think of searching for me in. I was running for not only my freedom, but my life.

On my way I stopped in Akron, Ohio in what I thought was the bad part of town. I stopped at the McDonalds I found and after I got out, with my keys in my mouth and my food in my hands, I heard something. I looked at my car, looked at my food, then looked to the alley I’d heard the sound from. I debated going to the car first then checking it out but I was too curious. I shoved my keys in my pocket and walked down the alley very slowly and carefully. There was a bundle of blankets, that’s all I thought it was until it coughed. I was a little afraid but I lifted the blanket anyway to find a young girl of about thirteen completely (I’m rather sad to say) naked. I threw the blanket back down, shivering uncontrollably. I’d never seen a naked woman—other than the ones in the magazines the boys at college had.

I picked her up—with the blankets—and put her in the front seat of my car. When she woke up I introduced myself, told her I wouldn’t harm her and gave her some of my clothes. It took a bit for her to trust me but we pulled through, going to St. Louis together.

The car that I’d mentioned earlier was actually not mine. The car was a 1972 Pontiac La Mans in a light sky blue color and it came from my friend Connor who had helped me escaped from my brother’s hands. He gave it to me so I could escape, so I could run with everything I had. I believe I must keep myself from my brother, lest this sacrifice be in vain. It’s a beautiful car at least.

We made it to St. Louis and the girl, Rachael, had wanted to save a stray dog that we had seen on the sidewalk. He looked friendly enough so I didn’t argue. I parked the car and ended up chasing him into a back alley behind a bar. I got him and he immediately turned around and licked my face. I laughed, petting him and checking for fleas. He did not look all that worn but he didn’t have a collar on so I took him under my wing. He was still licking my hands when a stranger flew from the side of the bar, fell to his knees and vomited what long years of experience had shown me was alcohol. He heaved until he was done then looked up at me with wide, baby blue eyes.

He had jet black hair. As I helped him up he had to stoop to be able to rest on my shoulders. The dog followed at my heels as I helped him into the bar and to a stool. He laid his head down on the bar and the bartender lifted an eyebrow. I tried to shoo the dog out but the bartender smiled at me.

“Hey bud, that your dog?” he asked me and I looked up at him, astonished.

I shook my head and told him he simply lacked a collar.

“Well, I like dogs so if the dog isn’t yours he can be yours now and you can stay here in one of my rooms for free. If you’ve already got a home, no offense but you look sorta ratty.”

I was overjoyed. “I have a girl with me, a thirteen year old, she’s like a daughter, can she stay too?” I asked and he nodded, coming out of the bar and picking up the small puppy and holding him.

I looked over to my charge. He’d fallen asleep on the bar so I wasn’t very worried about him. I decided he could wait for me.

I came back with Rachael who took a sudden liking to the young, handsome bartender. She was also happy with the puppy that I had taken in earlier. I sat next to my inept charge and sighed. He opened his eyes, yawned and rubbed his temples. He gazed at me through his alcoholic daze and said, “You wanna go do something buddy?” I was surprised however at his accent; it sounded more like mine than the rest of the southerners down here.

“What?”

He made a slight motion with his hands, “You know, ‘something’?”

“Where?” I asked, looking about the bar. I still wasn’t quite sure what “something” was.

“I dunno, I dun’ care, the bathroom, the bedroom, Hell, the closet.”

Now I knew what “something” was. I inched my stool away from his and answered, “Uh, no thanks I’m really not that interested.”

“You seem ta be lookin’ at meh like ya want to do somethin’,” he told me, touching my arm. Luckily the bartender saved me.

“Well anyways, come on I’ll show ya’ll to yer room iffin’ ye don’t mind me takin’ ‘im from ye, Birdie,” he said, nodding to my charge and taking me behind the bar. He took Rachael and I into the back, through a short hallway and into a longer perpendicular one with doors off of it. “This is my hotel, not very high class but it’s cozy I think,” he told us. “My name is James, iffin’ anybody gives ya’ll any sass you just holler and I’ll take care of it. Anythin’ in the fridge is up for grabs unless it’s got a name on it. If yer smart you’ll label anythin’ that’s yers. This room is yers little lady, and you’ll be sharin’ a room with somebody, I hope ye don’ mind a roommate, if ye do mind I’m sure I can conjure up a different room downstairs alright.”

“This’ll be fine,” I told him and he nodded, showing me in. I went in and sat on the bed that wasn’t messed up. I leaned into to pillow and soon, before I knew it, I was fast asleep, too deep even to dream. When I woke up I didn’t open my eyes. I was enveloped in my brother’s arms. My entire adventure had been a dream—at least, that’s what I thought. I opened my eyes and found my body cuddled into a bigger one. My brother? No…my brother didn’t stink of heavy alcohol and he’d never held me this gently.

I screamed. My charge, the one James had called “Birdie” flew off the side of the bed and I scrambled to lean up against the head board. “OUT! OUT, GET AWAY FROM ME!!” I shrieked at the older man on the floor. He didn’t even have time to stand up before he flung himself out the door. I sighed, feeling nauseous. My head seemed to be floating and my vision was blurred. I moaned.

He poked his head inside the door and murmured in awe, “Holy Mary Mother of—Jesus kid!” He ran over to the bed, grabbing a wad of tissues from the bedside table and shoving them under my nose. He called for the bartender, shifting the tissues and wiping up the bright red liquid.

James walked in, “’Ey what did ye—holy crap!”

And that’s where I blacked out.

I woke up in a smelly white room with a woman sitting by my bed. My first thought was that my brother had beaten me to a bloody pulp and my hand instinctively shifted to my balls—to make sure they were still there. She was a nurse, but not a nurse I knew—I’d known a lot of nurses in my time as a slave in my brother’s bar. She noticed I was awake and left the room. A few minutes later Birdie walked in with a bouquet of daffodils. I sighed, daffodils, my favorite. He set it down on the table by the bed and sat in the chair that nurse had been in.

There was an odd silence between us, his eyes shifting around nervously. Finally he spoke, a strange shiver in his voice, “I’m sorry about earlier, I didn’t want to do that, I guess I’m just a bit lonely.”

“Understood,” I told him, trying to comfort him by taking his hands that were folded in his lap with one of mine. His hands were warm and gentle as he took my hand in his own. His hands were so big compared to mine and he proved this by enveloping my entire hand in both of his.

“Yes but, I invaded your space and I made you spaz out, I mean, you just started bleeding and you looked really pale so I had James call an ambulance. They want you to stay here and they want to do more tests, they think it’s part of your brain.”

“My…brain?” I asked, stupefied.

“Yeah, uh, they want to do like, somethin’ called a CAT scan, uh…MRI, somethin’ like that ya know? I mean, I caused this and I’m not real sure what’s goin’ on so I promise not ta leave ya alone er nothin’ ‘k?” he asked and I nodded.

I couldn’t let them do any more tests, I had no health insurance, I had no money, I was broke and they wanted to do more tests? I shook my head slowly at him, a look of pure worry on my face. “Stop them. They can’t,” I told him and his brow furrowed. “Stop the tests, I don’t have any money! I don’t want to know anyway.”

“Don’t you want to know if there’s something wrong with you?” he asked.

“No…if I have three months to live I’d rather live them not worrying about tests, about doctors, about anything. I’d like to just live my life in ignorance without a care in the world and when I die,” I shrugged, “I die.”

“You’re strange,” he told me and I giggled, blushing just a little. “Tell you what, me an’ James can handle the cash and we’ll get the tests done okay? We just won’t tell you the results no matter what, good or bad.”

I looked up into his smiling eyes. They sparkled with life and I ended up smiling with him, nodding my head.

I ended up staying there for another week, staying in bed for the time it took to take the tests. Birdie came in everyday with a different kind of flower bouquet every time he walked in. Those days I had a lot of time to sit and think about things. My past, my present, my future, and all the people who were around me at the moment were all common subjects. I thought of Parker, Rachael, and Birdie...mostly the latter. I was interested in how our relationship was developing. At first he was quiet, drunk, and made me think of my brother with his dark hair and tall stature. Soon however I’d noticed the great differences between my brother and Birdie; they were so different in that Birdie was gentle, kind and loving, my brother was rough, mean, and couldn’t wait to beat me up all the time.

I would sit there and sometimes nap and he would read a book next to the bed, not leaving until I’d woken up and he could say goodbye properly. The stench of alcohol had slowly disappeared and I was happy to notice his happier disposition. Perhaps I’d given him something to care for?

We would talk about all sorts of things that he was interested in, that I was interested in, and every once and awhile I would say or do something and he would blush slightly. One day we were sitting together, I in the bed and he in the chair, a conversation were floating in the air between us and we were lost in each other’s answers and questions. There was suddenly a comfortable silence between us and we looked at each other silently. He shifted; glancing up at me he hesitated then leaned down slowly and touched his lips to mine. I did not move.

Author's Note: This will be here temporarily, I'm writing it in my Micro II class, tell me if you like it will ya? It's the second half of Thad's story. His life is so dramatic. Anyways, this is also for all you people who have no idea who the heck he is. Haha...I was him for halloween.