A/N: I shook violently, body paralyzed, vision clouding… he was there. If I looked at him, it would all be over, I’d lose… lose myself in his caring eyes, his warm embrace… He was so close… But I couldn’t lose. Not this time.

Tell Me What You See

By Piper Shadow

I could do nothing but run.

My legs were used to my daily running… but not sprinting. Every time my foot hit the pavement, my legs cried out in protest, but I felt almost numb to their pleas. The cold night air burned against my throat, the wind whipping my hair across my face, but they mattered naught compared to the black, gaping jaws that lingered just on the boundary of my tormented thoughts. My mind could sense only that one thing: fear. It clutched at my throat, making it hard to breathe, choking the life out of me. It drowned out my hopes, squeezing the life from my dreams and filling me with a terrifying void.

I wanted to outrun it.

Suddenly, I was running faster. I pushed my legs, stretching them as far as I could in front of me, reaching for something I could not describe. Black velvet surrounded me, broken only by the occasional lighted window as I raced past. The houses, their landscapes, the desert… it was all a blur to me. My eyes saw nothing around me, only the road ahead of me. I knew it well; I jogged it every day. It led up the mountain to a spectacular view of the city, then back down to my house… but I had no intention of following it that far.

A jolt of panic crashed through my body like a punch to the gut. Footsteps… I thought, desperately pushing myself. I was breathing hard, the wind was rushing in my ears, animals were crying out in the night… but it couldn’t drown out the footfalls behind me. Terror clawed at my throat, stealing what little breath the cold air had not already robbed me of. I could feel my chest seizing and my vision blurring, but it hardly mattered. I had to run. I couldn’t be caught.

The road began to twist, leading me to the steep ascent up the mountain. Just that hill… and I’d be to the top. I could see the city. It was almost like a light at the end of the tunnel, and with my entire being, I craved it. The footsteps behind me were getting louder, to the point where I couldn’t distinguish between them and the pounding of my own blood in my ears. He’s always been faster than me…

And then, an image of him flashed before my eyes, nearly knocking me off my feet. For a terrifying second, I couldn’t even draw a breath… my eyes widened, adrenaline flooded my veins, almost allowing my terror to finally descend upon me… to take over me…

No!

Faster, faster! I couldn’t let myself stop. I couldn’t lose. Not this time.

The sound of my own breathing was almost painful to hear as I pushed myself up the steep ascent. I sounded like I was dying… and I was. I had been all along.

“I want to be your go-to person.”

My own thoughts were betraying me, the memory of his words sending yet another wave of shock crashing into my body. I finally felt myself give in, too physically and mentally exhausted to go on; I crashed to my knees at the top of the hill, gasping for the air that came in ragged, painful gasps. My desperation still echoed in my head, reminding me of how close he was behind me. My whole body trembled violently, pain nearly blinding me, but I couldn’t just lie there… My arms shook, my body robbed of its strength… but fear set its hand on my back, giving me the energy I need to push myself back to my feet, finally turning to face the valley of lights.

“I want to be there for you.”

So why wouldn’t you love me?!

Almost as if I were accusing the night sky of my gut-wrenching pain, I threw my head back, eyes searching the stars as if they were hiding the answers from me. Somewhere, the answer had to lie… why we could be so alike, why he always said he cared, why he tried to take care of me and teach me how to follow my heart…

But never seemed to want for me to be his. He never seemed to want to love me.

“Wait…!”

I froze, cold terror sending splinters of ice through my veins. I could feel my hands shaking violently, my body suddenly paralyzed, vision clouding… he was there. If I looked at him, it would all be over, I’d lose… but he was right there… I could hear his breathing; I could feel his presence… His caring eyes, his warm embrace, they way he looked so devastated whenever he realized that I was sad…

Animalistic panic swept over my body, finally consuming me until the only thing I could think of was surviving the hell he’d created for me… no, the hell I had created for me. The more I was with him, the more I could feel myself dying… and the panic that suddenly gripped me told me to do anything to get away from what was trying to kill me.

Suddenly, I was tearing through the air, clawing at empty space with arms and legs. My feet propelled me, my arms straining for something I couldn’t reach… not down the street, but towards the city lights. All I saw was the light, the beauty, the serenity, the only place I could go to get away from him and everyone who wanted to know just what was going on… now, I wanted to reach them. I wanted to hold them… like a handful of diamonds, sparkling and glittering at me, beautiful and shining… I wanted the city lights. I wanted their peace…

But my body wouldn’t go any further. My legs had stopped and my knees buckled, unable to support such a traumatized frame any longer. I tried to claw at the air, to reach my tiny little diamonds of serenity…

But he had me.

His giant arms were wrapped around me from behind, preventing me from running any further, holding me tightly against his body. I could feel his head resting against my shoulder, and the labored breathing of his chest against my back. Feebly, I struggled to break free, but I was no match for him. Slowly, my arms quit thrashing through the thin, empty air, slowly falling towards my sides as realization began to dawn on me.

He’d won.

For a moment, I thought I might’ve heard a sob in one of his inhales. And then, suddenly, a flood of emotions was surging through my body, welling up inside of me until I couldn’t hold it anymore. The desperation, the despair, the hope and the slaughtered dreams… they began to leak from my eyes, pain spilling down my cheeks like tiny crystals, only to fall to the floor… to shatter, like the hopes I once had…

And somehow, feeling him holding me so close… I felt comfort. I felt safety. And I felt agonizing despair at how much I craved being close to him.

But he didn’t want to hold me… he wanted to bring me comfort, but when he thought it was all better again, he’d walk away. He would never wrap his arms around me just because he wanted to feel me close to him…

… would he?

Slowly, we both sank to our knees, too tired to stand any longer. I let myself cry… normally, I would never cry. I couldn’t. I wanted to be strong, to harden myself against what I thought made me seem weak… but for the first time, I was crying.

I tried feebly to speak, hardly able to catch a sufficient gulp of air, and barely capable of forcing myself to speak even when I did.

“I… I…”

“I know.”

I shut my eyes, feeling the tears run down my cheeks once more.

From somewhere undetermined, I heard music… and then I knew that my world was slipping away. I tried to grab at it, to stay there in front of my city lights and surrounded by my safety…

6:05 AM. My stereo was playing some insignificant song, and my dogs were groaning at the disturbance. My heart was still racing, my breathing still heavy… for a moment, I could’ve sworn that I still felt his arms around me, but soon realized that I was gripping my arms with my own hands.

He wasn’t there. It was possible he never would be.

With a sigh, I sat myself up, taking a deep breath. Mentally, I had to prepare myself for what I did every day… smiling, laughing, living my life with him…

He was my best friend, and he had no idea that I loved him. My dream was wrong. He didn’t know… and try as I might, I could never find the words to tell him.

Just another day.