As the winter breeze flew by my face, I placed a cigarette in my mouth, the menthol kind, and with a steady hand, I lighted it with my faithful blue lighter. Some people, the friendly kind, sometimes glance at me a bit weirdly, and ask why I smoke a menthol cigarette. I suppose they’re under the impression that it's disgusting. My answer is usually a shrug. I just like the taste.

A flicker of white flew by my face. I looked up towards the sky, and saw that it was starting to snow. The first snow of winter…for some reason, it made me feel undeniably sad. A few flakes landed on my cheeks, and stayed in its unique shape, before succumbing to the heat of my body. Something so pure and so white…it amazed me that something like this could even touch my skin…such impure skin like mine.

It sure is a busy night. Then again, it is Christmas Eve. Everyone seems to be hurrying to somewhere or another. Everyone seems to have someone to go home to. Not me though. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a person to run to. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a home to go back to. Sure, I had a roof over my head. But that doesn’t make it a home. Sure, I could call my parents. But that doesn’t make them my loved ones.

Though my story is an undeniably sad one, I’d long convinced myself that it was all okay. I tried believing that it was all okay. And I nearly did.

I looked up at the night sky. Somehow, the snow made it look more beautiful, clearer. I could even see stars, despite being in the middle of the city. I wondered to myself if perhaps soon, I’d get my own Christmas wish granted, like all those around me. Despite my sins, I felt that I deserved this much at least. But maybe I did have to continue to repent. Maybe my sins and mistakes were far too grave to be granting wishes as simple as pure happiness.

As I finished my cigarette, I flicked it to the trash can, in an effort not to litter these beautifully snow-covered sidewalks. Putting my hands into my pocket, I pulled out the one memento I had left of him, a blue ribbon. To this day I just couldn’t understand why he’d give me a ribbon of this color. It completely clashed with my features. It was as though this ribbon was made purely to spite my looks. The one time I did ask, all he said was that it matched me perfectly. I still have a hard time believing his words. Perhaps he was just teasing me, like he always did. He had a habit of never being honest with me.

Just as I was about to pull my hair into a pony tail with the ribbon, a cold gust of wind came by, and blew it out of my hands. As the wind carried it farther, I let go of my hair, and dashed after it, my black skirt flapping above my knees, my boots digging footsteps into the already-defiled snow, my hair blowing this way and that way. I didn’t care that the ribbon didn’t match with me. I did, however, care about the fact that it was he who had given it to me. I knew full well that if anyone else had given it to me, I’d probably leave it somewhere in my apartment, forgotten and alone, catching dust.

As I looked ahead, I realized that the ribbon was nowhere to be seen. I panicked. I was sure I was behind it just a moment ago. Then, as I turned away, defeated, I felt a tap on my shoulder. Turning around, a woman, somewhat older then me, smiled.

“Here you go.” Carefully, with a gloved hand, she placed the ribbon in my hands. But…it felt a bit heavier then before. Looking down, I saw that the ribbon now had a single pendant. It was a silver cross, adorned with brilliant rubies. It looked worn, as though it was decades old, but this just made it prettier. As I turned to look at the woman who’d given it to me, I saw that she was already walking away.

“Hey, what about this pendant? It’s yours, isn’t it?”

She waved a hand. “Keep it.”

Keep it...

Keep it she said.

That was the last thing he’d told me.

I wanted to say something else. I wanted to yell out, ask who she was, where she was going, why she’d given me such a precious thing. The words couldn’t come out. They stayed stuck in my throat.

A cross, of all things.

I looked up at the night sky again. I just noticed how beautiful the stars were, even in the middle of this city. It all seemed beautiful.

And suddenly, I felt home.