Captain Nine to Five
The Life, The Legend

I sat down in the plush chair and leveled my gaze at the man in the suit across from me. He smiled,“Very well, let’s begin. How did this whole… thing start?”
I glanced at him, “You know? I’m not entirely sure.” I crossed my legs as I spoke,
“I suppose it was just another Monday.”

That grating noise dug into my ears and I rolled over, and did my best to ignore the buzzing coming from my alarm clock. After less than a minute of failing, I admitted defeat and got out of bed, flipped the switch to ‘off’ and half-made the bed. I cooked some breakfast, and sat down in front of a plate of eggs. Just another Monday, not unlike every other one I’ve had since I started my average, uneventful nine-to-five job.

“Really? That bland?” He asked me.
“I’m afraid so. Up until my lunch break, it was still pretty mundane.”

My co-worker, Angie, smiled at me from behind the desk. “Actually showing up today, John? I’m impressed.”
I shrugged, “What can I say? Can’t skip work every day.”
The new intern fell into step with me as I passed lines of cubicles headed toward my corner office. He looked up at me. “Were you two being serious about the whole skipping work thing?”
“No, I got some viral thing going around a few years, had to use all of my sick days, paid vacation, and about two more months before I got over it, rumors were flying. She chose to never forget about it. I’ve kinda gone from arguing to joking about it.”
“I see. Well, I’ve got coffee to deliver, see you, sir.”
“Stay outta trouble, kid.”
“Only if you do, sir.” He called out as he brushed by me in a hurried pace.

“Sounds like an average job, nothing too impressive.”
I shrugged, “What can I say, it’s a living.”
He leaned forward on his elbows and bore into me with a stare, “And when did the… event, happen?”
“Don’t get your panties in a bunch, I’m getting there.”

The intern, Rob or Bob, or something to that effect, knocked on the door.
“Time for lunch, you too busy with work?”
I tossed down the stack of papers thick enough to crush most small animals. “Never too busy for food.”
He chuckled, “If only… You know any good restaurants?”
“Yeah, all within walking distance, but I need to run by the bank first.”
“Okay, let’s go.”

The man was thumping his finger on the desk, “When will we get to the… occurrence?”
I glared at him. “You’re the one who wants me down here, I can go back to work at any time, if I must.”
He frowned, “Fine fine, but don’t take too long.”

Rain fell lightly outside as Rob and I went to the bank a few buildings down.
“So… uh, Rob, is this the job you’ve always wanted?”
“It’s Tom… Not really, but it’s not hard work, so it seems fine to me.”
“What happened to ambition?”
“That died when reality took a hold of people.”
“Funny, I must’ve missed the memo.”
He jabbed my arm. “You’re nuts.”
I walked into the bank, Tom right behind me, and set by briefcase down as I got to the teller. Her name was Grace. “Hello there, Grace. Can I make a withdrawal?”
“Sure Mr. Smith, just hang on a moment…”

He cut me off in the middle of the story, “You mean to tell me your name is John Smith?”
I smiled at him, “An average name for an average job, I even put that on my resume.”
“And they still hired you?”
I put on a goofy voice, “I’m the funniest guy at the office, the guys there think I should do stand up.”
He looked at me, “How on earth did you come out of that fiasco so triumphantly, you’re obviously nuts.”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

A gruff voice exploded from behind me, “EVERYBODY DOWN, THIS IS A ROBBERY!”
I, being the compliant person, dropped on my belly and got out of the way for the man in all black wearing a ski mask in the middle of 85 degree weather. Obviously this man wasn’t of right-mind.
“Hello there, Grace, do me a favor and put some money in this bag. The pistol you see in my hand is very real, and very much loaded.”
Grace made some sort of squeaking noise and shoved some money quickly into the bag.

“That’s right, just like that. Now, you guys have been all cooperative out there, but I’m afraid there can’t be any live witnesses.” I looked up, and saw the barrel of a gun staring right back at me. He grunted,
“You first.”

The man in the suit looks astonished, “Wow, what a situation. How did you get out of that?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

If you’re ever been stared down by the barrel of a gun, you’d understand that fear can instantly appear in a matter of seconds. But, then again, so can adrenaline. I rolled just before he pulled the trigger, and felt shards of the glassy tile bite into my back. He quickly re-adjusted his aim and I was once again faced with a barrel containing a bullet with my name engraved on it. I threw my hand out and caught the robber’s wrist, and I jerk down, hard. He grunted, twisted his arm, and pulled his arm from my grip as if it were something simple, like clearing a web from his wrist. I used the moment to reach behind him, grab my suitcase, and jerk it towards me, catching his legs out from under him, and sending him tumbling backwards. He landed on his back, but did some kind of roll and ended up crouched in front of me. “Any sympathy you had is now gone.” Scared to death, tired, and in pain from the scratches on my back, I couldn’t really say much to do the whole macho banter, so I just pointed at the ground next to him. “I think you dropped your bag of money.”
He just laughed, “I can get it later, you have to say ‘goodbye’ now, Mr. Hero.” To accent his statement, he once again pointed his 9mm at me. So I did what any decent person would do…
I screamed like a girl.
Then I put a suitcase-shaped dent in the side of his head.

“Wow, so you knocked him out?”
I nodded, “Yep, kinda anti-climactic, huh?”
“Well, what did you do to earn the title you got?”

I sighed and got up, checked to make sure if Grace was okay. Went to the front of the bank, checked to see if the police had arrived yet, they hadn’t, so I turned around and looked at all the people hiding or laying down with their hands shielding their heads.
“It’s alright, I think I knocked the guy out.”
Everyone looked up and I heard a few murmurs and whispers coming from people.
“This man has saved us!”
“Captain Nine-To-Five has saved us all!”
“Hurrah! Captain Nine-To-Five!”
Soon they began chanting ‘Nine to Five’ over and over, I just stood there, baffled. So I went over to Grace, smiled, and said, “Rain check on the withdrawal, I think I’m just going to go home and call in sick or something.” So I collected my suitcase, put in all the papers the had scattered about when the case has opened after hitting the robber’s head, and walked out of the bank, Tom shakily following me.
“Hey, Tom.”
“Huh?”
“Why were they chanting ‘Captain Nine to Five’ in there?”
He laughed a little, “You were standing in front of a curtain, it looked just like a cape.”
“You’re kidding.”
He put his hands up, “I cannot tell a lie.”

“You’re getting a sense of humor, kid. Maybe you’ll be as cool as me one day.”
He laughed, “My hero, Captain Nine to Five.”

The man in the suit looked at me. “That’s quite a tale. Anything you want to add before I wrap this interview up?”
I looked at him. “Yeah, I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switch--”
He got up and left.
“Man, no sense of humor.”
Tom stepped into my office and sat down, handing me a cup of coffee, one cream, no sugar. “Yeah, must be an intern.”
We both had a good laugh.