Things I Never Said

“You’re lovely,” he said, trailing his pointer finger up my leg from my knee to my hip, where he lingered for a moment, watching his hand drift over the pale flesh. I laid my head back on the pillow and smiled at him. He smiled back, blue eyes dancing as he pulled me back into him.“Perfect,” he said softly, fitting me against him. I kissed the nape of his neck and hummed. He laughed out loud and pulled his arms tighter around me.

I shifted slightly in his arms, pulling away to look at him. “What I am I going to do with you?” I whispered. He grinned and shifted as well. “I changed my mind,” I replied. “I’m famished.”

“I figured you would,” he said, sitting up a bit higher. “I’m going to shower. You wanna come?”

Snuggling deeper into the flannel sheets, I giggled and replied, “I’m going to stay here. Have fun in the shower.”

He kissed my forehead and turned around on the bed. I trailed a hand down the muscles that flexed across his back and my gaze locked on a small black tattoo at the base of his spine. I smiled. “When did you get a tattoo,” I whispered, trailing fingers over it. He glanced over his shoulder to look down at me. “Doesn’t matter, I love it,” I finished, a smile playing with the corners of my mouth.

“I love you,” he responded, capturing my fingers and bringing them to his lips. With that he pushed himself off the bed and headed for the bathroom. I pulled the sheets up a bit higher, and closed my eyes with a sigh.

I heard the water turn on through the half open door, and a moment later the shower curtain moved. The sound of the water muffled as if it was no longer falling against the tub, but the body within it. I curled up, and stared out the window, listening to the sound of cars outside. We were three floors up, but I could distinctly hear two women outside, talking about their dogs.

“Yes, but I found this food that’s just amazing. It makes their fur so soft and silky.”

“Really? I’ve been looking for-“

“Hey, beautiful,” he said, sticking his head out of the bathroom. His brown hair was sticking out in various directions, and he was wrapped in a towel. His arms were still a bit wet, and when he pushed the door open, I saw the muscles under the skin pull taut, sending rivulets of water splashing to the ground.

I switched my gaze to him, without moving from my fetal position. “Hey,” I replied, a smile in place. “How’d it go?”

“Bit lonely, but the water felt good.”

I sat up, holding the sheet in place. He ducked back into the bathroom for a minute, and I heard him moving things around on the counter. He stepped back out, towel still in place. “Mmmm, clothes,” he grunted, bouncing back and forth on his feet. I laughed, laying my head on my raised knees. He knelt down, and snagged something between his fingers. Bringing it up, I recognized the pink lace. “Missing something?” he asked, tossing them to me.

I snatched the underwear from the air, and stuck my tongue out at him. “Oh, that’s mature, Katie.” I crossed my eyes as well. “Sexy as hell, too.”

“Blah, blah, blah,” I teased, pulling the sheets tighter.

He turned away from me and opened his closet. He seized a shirt and closed the door, then went in search of jeans while I hunted down the remainder of my lost articles of clothing. Standing up, I pulled everything on except my shirt, which I had yet to locate in the sea of comforters and sheets.

When I turned away from the wall I faced he was watching me with subtle interest. In his hands was a lavender tank top. “Thief,” I teased, reaching across the queen-sized bed. He deftly plucked it from my reach. “Hey, I need that!” I exclaimed, coming around the end of the bed.

He stepped back, playfully dangling it in front of me. I reached for it again, and he twitched it from me once more. I giggled and threw my arms around him, struggling for it. He twisted his arm, flung it around my waist and lifted me up without effort. He plopped me on the bed, and lay beside me.

Dragging my shirt from his grasp, I leaned in to kiss him and was rewarded with a stifled sigh. “Thanks,” I chirped, rolling away from him in one smooth transition.

With a groan, he replied, “Not fair, you distracted me.” I tossed my shirt over my head, and headed for the door. He intercepted me just over halfway. “If you keep this up, we’ll never eat,” I giggled, wrapping my arms around him and kissing him lightly.

“Hmmm, we could skip lunch and go straight for dessert,” he whispered, kissing my neck.

“We could”, I whispered, kissing his neck softly.“But dessert is always better on a full stomach.”

He groaned, rolling his head back and allowing it to lull for a moment, then he leveled his gaze and kissed my forehead again. “All right, you win. Let’s get out of here,” he said.

“Let’s get out of here,” I echoed. “Did you know that that is the most commonly used line in movies? Let’s get out of here.”

He slipped his hand in mine and led me from the room. “Oh, sure. That’s because it works in so many situations…”

“The building is burning down, let’s get out of here,” I said, pulling him toward the door.

“Aliens are invading, let’s get out of here,” he laughed.

“The service sucks, let’s get out of here.”

“I want to make love to you, let’s get out of here…” He kissed my hand.

“Not so fast, Romeo. Food first.”

Groaning, he opened the door and escorted me out. Down the three flights of stairs to his truck, we giggled and poked and teased. He opened the door and helped me inside before coming around and sliding in. “Where to, Madam?” he asked, starting the engine.

“Oh, don’t you ask me. I’m the indecisive one, remember?”

He chuckled to himself as we pulled out of our spot, and headed for the exit of the complex. “All right, we’ll head over to the mall and see what we like,” he replied, shifting gears fluidly. “So, do you work tomorrow?”

“No, my client is out of town, so I’m waiting to get fabric for the drapes,” I answered. “It’s supposed to stay cool all weekend, so I was thinking that I would take Nathan to the beach.”

“Sounds wonderful, an adventure,” he agreed, shifting his gaze to me. “You amaze me.”

I smiled at him, feeling the strings attached to my heart pull me even closer to him. I leaned over and kissed his shoulder. “Mmm, you amaze me, too,” I whispered in his ear. He grinned and switched on his turn signal.

“Well, we’ve got that sushi place, and Chipotle, or Chili’s.”

I perked up, and bounced once in my seat. “Let’s go to Chili’s! I haven’t been there in years!”

He twisted the wheel to the right, maneuvering the truck closer to the building. “You just made a decision,” he said softly. “I got you to make a decision! Yes!”

A scowl crossed my face, and I folded my arms before me. He reached over and gently stuck a finger in my ribs. I giggled and squirmed away, pressing myself into the door of the truck. “Cut it out,” I laughed, “You’re far more ticklish then me! I’ll get you back!”

“Shit,” he said, staring ahead of us. I turned to see what he was looking at. The car in front of us was a silver Acura, with a parking permit for “Carver Advertising”.

“Oh, shit,” I repeated, looking for an escape. “We’re busted.”

“No, we’re not! We’ve had this happen before. He probably won’t even notice. Come on, Kate, we can do this…”

The car pulled into a parking spot, and we passed it, heading up the other lane. All the while I was trying to concoct a plausible story. Finally, he steered the truck into a spot, and we climbed out.

“Hey! I thought that was you two!” Greg said, coming towards us. “What are you guys doing around here?”

“Just grabbing a bite,” I replied, “How are you, Greg?”

“I’m great, how are you?”

“Good, thank you. What are you doing around here? Enjoying a day off?”

He shook his head, a smile in place, and said, “No. I’m working. Kevin sent me over here to pick up some proofs from Elliot.” We sat there silently for a long moment, and then he continued. “Well, I should be going. Kate, Logan. Nice to see you again. Say hi to everyone for me.” We nodded, waving good-bye.

As soon as he was out of earshot, Logan whispered, “For a minute there, I thought the world had fallen out from underneath me.” I nodded; it was a bit to close for comfort. “Thank god we don’t look like we just rolled out of bed.”

“Maybe this isn’t such a good idea, Logan. Not only do I have Kevin, but you and Bridget just got engaged. I mean, we’re playing with fire here. Sooner or later, some one is going to notice,” I cast my eyes down, terrified to look at him.

He didn’t move for a long time. Finally, I lifted my eyes to his face, and saw within his blue eyes real sadness, real terror. He took a step and closed the distance between us. “Don’t you ever say that again, Katherine. Twelve years ago, I lost you because of people and their opinions. I lost you because you got pregnant, and you wanted to give Kevin a chance to be a good father. Something brought you back into my life, and I won’t lose you again. I’m not letting you get out of this. This is it.”

“But-“ I began to tell him that we were putting ourselves in danger with this.

His finger on my lips silenced me, and he sighed, “No “buts”. Just spread your arms, close your eyes and jump.”

“Oh, and you’ll catch me?” I demanded, pulling away.

He leaned down and kissed me, saying, “In a heartbeat. I won’t let you get hurt. Ever.” I buried my face in his chest. “Let’s eat lunch.”

Four-thirty found us standing outside the apartment once more. I was leaned against my car, he was standing before me. He leaned down slowly and kissed me softly. Brushing hair from my eyes, he lingered on my temple. Then he replaced his fingers with his lips, kissing my temple lightly. I felt his breath on my skin, and it sent shivers down my spine.

“I should go,” I said softly, running my hands up his flat stomach.“I need to pick Nathan up.” Logan nodded, still holding me close. “God, I miss you…” I spoke into his chest, and wasn’t quite sure if he understood me,

We were quiet for a moment, and then he whispered back, “I miss you too. I dream about you so often that when I wake up and you’re not there, it’s like a stab in the heart.” I held tighter, breathing him in. “Don’t go,” he said into the crown of my head.

“I have too. I can’t stay here. You have to pick up Bridget, and I have to get Nathan from school. Kevin will be home soon.”

Logan nodded against me, and I felt his heart beat with mine. “I know. Reality sucks.”

“We’ll always have the night, though.”

Pulling away, he smiled at me. It dazzled me the same way it always had, and his blue eyes danced with mystery. “I’ll see you there, my love.” I nodded and turned to open my car door. He beat me to it, and I slid in. “Drive safe, and say hi to Nathan for me.”

I nodded, “Of course.” He closed my door, and I started the engine. As I pulled away, he turned back and waved. I felt my heart sink. Every time I drove away, a piece of me died.

My cell phone rang, and I reached over to flip it open. “Hello? Oh, hi honey. No, I’m on my way now. Oh, you know, just some errands, and lunch. Nothing big. Oh, working late again, okay. We’ll I’ll save you a plate then. Oh. Okay, well, enjoy dinner with the guys. Love you, bye.”

Clicking the phone shut, I focused once more on the road. Logan was right, reality did suck. I’d been so certain that Kevin was everything I wanted. But unfortunately, I wasn’t what he wanted. He wanted a trophy wife that he could bring to his friend’s parties and show off. Someone who did the laundry and hung it on a line outside, and spent hours slaving over dinner to make it absolutely perfect. He wanted someone perfect, proper and stunningly beautiful. I was none of those things.

My text message chime sounded, and I reached for it. Flipping it open, I smiled.

“You’re perfect. You amaze me. I can’t wait to hold you in my dreams tonight. Miss you. Love you!”

I sighed, and flipped the phone shut. Nathan’s school loomed in my windshield, and I slowed to a crawl in the zone. He was sitting out on the corner, head bent over a book. I pulled up, and he rose. Climbing in, he was all smiles. “Hi, Mom!” he said. “We’re reading To Kill a Mockingbird.”

“Really? I loved that book when I was your age. What do you think?”

“I like Scout. She’s awesome.”

I grinned. “I’m glad.”

He looked up at me with big blue eyes and a dazzling smile. I mussed his hair and continued, “Logan says hi. We ran some errands together today.”

“Cool,” Nathan replied, a smile still in place. “Can I call him tonight and tell him that I’m reading To Kill a Mockingbird? It seems like something he would tell me to read.”

I smiled, tussling his hair, and replied, “Absolutely. I’m sure he’d love to hear from you.”

Pulling away from the curb, I glanced in my rear view mirror, and recognized the truck coming up behind me. I slowed to let him pass; he waved a finger at Nathan and continued on his way.

“Is he going to pick up Bridget?” Nathan asked. I nodded, watching the retreating license plate, and gave it a bit more gas.

Suds filled the sink, and the dishwasher was a little more than half full. Nathan had finished his spaghetti, and was currently working on his math homework. Kevin had called again, saying that it would be a later night then he thought. Nathan and I would be home alone most of the night.

Once again, we were home alone on a Friday night. Kevin never spent week nights at home with us. In fact, he never spent weekends at home either. It had been two years ago that Nathan had stopped asking if Kevin was coming to his soccer games, expecting nothing but indifference from his absent father. Almost as soon as Nathan had grown used to his father’s lack of presence Logan started to show up.

Logan and I had been best friends since high school. He was my strength through just about everything I’d endured as a teenager. Logan had stood behind me through everything, including Kevin’s betrayals. When I was confronted with Kevin’s first affair, I had gone to Logan in tears, and he had welcomed me into his apartment, and his arms.

I found true understanding in him, the same way I had when we were young. But after a few meetings, to talk about my marriage and my husband, my world flipped upside down. I woke up one morning, alone in my empty bed, needing Logan. It was that moment that I knew that I was in love.

“Hey, Mom, can I call Logan?” Nathan asked me, turning around to face me. His voice shattered my thoughts, and I smiled at him, those brilliant blue eyes glimmering in the fluorescent light of the kitchen.

“Sure, honey,” I replied, wiping my hands on the kitchen towel. I picked up the house phone and handed it to Nathan. “555-7865,” I rattled off without thinking.

He punched in the numbers and placed the receiver to his ear. After a brief moment, he grinned. “Hi, Logan! I’m good. How are you? Oh, really! Tell Bridget hi for me. School was good. Yeah, I just started reading To Kill a Mockingbird. Yeah, Scout’s awesome!”

I turned back to the sink, but instead of delving back into the dishes, I found myself staring out the window at the setting sun. Behind me my son rambled on to Logan, talking about school and boy scouts and his new bed. As I listened to his soft voice drift on the air I let my mind drift away. It had been months since I had sat down to dinner with both my son and my husband. In fact, as I thought about it, I don’t think that Kevin had been home for dinner in about a year.

“Okay, Logan. Yeah, Mom is right here. Mom, he wants to talk to you.”

Turning from the sink, I took the phone and pressed it to my ear. “Hey,” I said softly.

“Hey there, beautiful. How was your afternoon?”

“It was good. Nathan is finishing his homework, we just finished dinner. How are you?”

“I’m out at the pool hall with the guys. Kevin isn’t home?”

“No,” I replied a frown in place. “He stayed late at work. Having dinner with his colleagues and such.”

There was a moment of silence on the other end of the line, until finally he said, “I don’t know what the hell his problem is. If I had the chance to come home to you every night, I sure as hell wouldn’t be having dinner with my colleagues.”

With a sigh I whispered, “You would if she was gorgeous…”

“Why do you put up with this, Katie? Why do you let him treat you like this?”

I hung my head, staring down into the sudsy water. A hundred thousand times he had asked me that question, and I had asked it of myself more times than I could count. I could never actually come up with an answer.

“Why, Kate?” He asked softly, his voice a breath in the receiver.

“I don’t know, Logan, I don’t know. Maybe I feel that I owe him. I promised him for better or for worse, ‘til death do us part.”

“Yeah, I’ll be right there, guys.” His voice was muffled, like he pulled the phone away, then he was back. “You can’t honestly think that this is what they mean by “for better or for worse”, baby.”

“It is for me. I’m so sorry, but I can’t change that.”

“Kevin’s an idiot.”

I didn’t answer, unable to confirm or deny it out loud, or even to myself.

“Good night, Kate.”

“Night, Logan.”

Hanging up the receiver, I went and leaned over Nathan’s shoulder. He had his math book in front of him, and his head was bent over a piece of notebook paper. His tongue stuck out the tiniest bit, in a face of concentration. His handwriting was slightly slanted, and irregular, which would be remedied after years of familiarity.

“Hmmm, fractions,” I said, kissing the top of his head. “How you doing?”

He looked up, blue eyes drooping slightly, and replied, “Ok. I only have two more problems. Can I have some water?”

“Of course, baby,” I replied, turning away from him. Thinking back, I remembered the first years of Nathan’s life. Kevin and I were distant, even after the birth. He accused me of binge eating, and told me that I wasn’t dropping the baby weight fast enough. A month after Nathan was born Kevin’s employer threw a formal gala. I had been a size six before Nathan, and for the party I had to buy a size eight. Kevin was furious, we had argued until Nathan was awakened by the shouting. Finally, I had told Kevin to go alone and tell them that I couldn’t find a sitter.

He had been so angry that Nathan was an inconvenience in his perfect life. We had been the picture perfect couple, with his expensive suits and my salon styled hair and manicures. Only when Nathan was about two did we start to go out together again. Only after Nathan could start to be dressed in suits and ties did Kevin allow us to be seen with him. Even then, Nathan was to be seen and not heard. My son learned early on that Kevin wouldn’t stand for anything in public. With me, Nathan was cheerful and happy and brilliant. But when Kevin was around he was shy, quiet and defeated.

I set down a glass of water beside Nathan and kissed the top of his head. The phone rang. Reaching for it, I returned to the kitchen window. “Hello?”

“Katie,” Logan said, his voice low.

“Hey! What’s up? Is something wrong?”

Once again, there was silence on the end of the line for a long moment. Then he whispered, “The guys and I just walked into the Martini Olive, you know, that trendy place next to the pool hall…” He trailed off. Already, my heart was sinking. I knew what was coming, and I closed my eyes, steadying my shaking hand on the counter top.

“What does she look like?” I asked, bowing my head and staring down into the sudsy water.

Logan’s voice cracked, as he replied, “Oh, Katie…”

I turned on my heel and left the kitchen. Without a word, I crossed the living room and entered the study. Closing the door behind me, I replied, ”Logan, this afternoon, I was rolling around in your bed. I can’t be upset that he’s having an affair with some girl from work. It’s not my place.”

I no longer had the right to be upset that Kevin was having an affair. Logan and I had stopped our relationship when I found out that I was pregnant. I thought that being a father would bring Kevin around, but he was just as aloof and judgmental as before. Just recently, I had run back into Logan’s arms. The knowledge of Kevin’s most current affair had blindsided me.

It had all come to a head when Kevin’s cell phone had woken me just after midnight. He had just gotten home, and was in the shower. Against my better judgment, I reached over and looked at the name. It was his brother’s name, but not his number. I set the phone back down and sat up in the bed. Kevin had discarded his suit jacket on a chair on my side of the room. Lifting it, I caught the distinct smell of Chanel No. 5, a perfume I never wore. The next day, I was sobbing in Logan’s arms.

Once more, a voice shattered my thoughts. Though this time it was Logan, and it cracked as he murmured, “It’s not some girl from work, Katie. It’s Michelle.”

My heart dropped into my stomach, and started pounding so hard that I felt it in my toes. Dizzy, I leaned against the wall, and slid to the ground. “Michelle,” I said weakly, unable to catch my breath. “He’s having an affair with my sister?”

“I’m so sorry, Katie,” he said, the calm in his voice washing over me. I couldn’t let him calm me now, I couldn’t even open my eyes.

“How could she do this to me? I mean, I know we have our differences, but this is the worst thing she’s ever done…” Tears sparked in my eyes, burning all the way down my cheeks. My hands were shaking and my palms were sweating.

“Mom?” Nathan called from outside the door. Sniffling, I tried to scramble to my feet. But the door opened before I could rise. “Mom, is everything okay?” he asked, leaning in and glancing around. As quickly as I could, I dried my eyes, but Nathan was too quick for me. “Mom!” he said, sliding to his knees beside me. “What’s wrong!” His big blue eyes were filled with fear. One young, soft, chubby hand brushed a tear from my cheek.

“Do you want me to let you go, Katie?” Logan whispered on the other end of the line.

“Yes, thank you for calling me, Logan…” I sniffled.

“You’re welcome, my love… Call me if you need anything.”

I clicked the phone off, and set it on the hardwood floor of the study. Nathan was still beside me, his hands on mine. “What is it, Mom? Is something wrong?”

“No, baby,” I said, wrapping my arms around him and pulling him close. “Nothing’s wrong. Just a shock. Nothing you need to worry about.”

With my lips resting on Nathan’s dark curls, and the smell of him permeating around me, I closed my eyes and tried to calm my racing heart. After fifteen years of marriage, most of which were spent distant from my workaholic, adulterous husband, all I had to show for it was a huge house and a twelve year old son. I was no longer in love with my husband, and on the cool hardwood floor I had difficulty remembering a time I was in love with him.

It had been six years since we had gone out for a romantic evening, and even that was a mistake. We had planned an evening dinner at a restaurant with one of his partners from work, but at the last moment the man and his wife had cancelled. Kevin had commented that it would be pointless to put a perfectly good reservation to waste. It had been a solemn evening, filled with uncomfortable silences and avoiding eye contact.

“Mom,” Nathan whispered, still holding onto me. “Is it Dad?”

“Oh, sweetie,” I said, kissing his head. “It’s nothing you need to worry about. It’s a grown up problem.”

He sat up, leaning back on his haunches. “I know what’s going on, Mom. I might be a kid, but I’m not an idiot,” he said, his voice sounding much older than a twelve-year-old boy’s should.

Saying that I was shocked would be an understatement. I never imagined that Nathan would know what went on between me and Kevin. I brushed a stray brown curl from his forehead and smiled. “Of course you’re not an idiot,” I pushed myself off the wall, and pulled him up with me. The most important part of my life was sitting on the floor of my study with me. The man and woman at the bar meant nothing in the long run. They were useless ties to a past I didn’t miss, and the boy before me was the only thing in my future that mattered.

“Baby,” I said, smiling down at him. “How would you like to have an adventure?” His sad eyes lit up. “Let’s pretend we’re on vacation. Go pack enough clothes for a few days, and don’t forget your bathing suit.” I brushed more hair from his face, and kissed his forehead. “Go,” I whispered, patting his butt and shooing him out of the room.

As soon as he was gone, I turned back and picked up the phone from the floor. I wouldn’t be here when Kevin got home, and I wouldn’t let him wonder where I went. I dialed the seven digits quickly, drawing them from memory like a ghostly reminder of a better day.

He cleared his throat as he answered. “Hello, darling,” Kevin said, his voice thick with the presence that I had fallen for all those years ago. “I’m still in that meeting. Is everything okay?”

With as much strength as I could, I spoke with a steady, firm voice. “Everything is fine, Kevin. Nathan is upstairs packing. We won’t be here when you get home tonight.”

Confusion clouded that harmonious, commanding voice as he dropped an octave for effect. “Why not? Where are you going? Is there something wrong?”

“No,” I replied, taking a deep, calming breath. “Everything is right now. Don’t try to find me. I’ll be calling Samantha Barnes tomorrow.”

“Our lawyer?” Kevin asked, the calm tone of his voice vanishing into thin air. “Why would you call her?”

“My lawyer,” I replied, moving to the desk and picking up a piece of paper. As I spoke, I copied her number from the phonebook on the gleaming wood surface. “You’ll need to get your own.”

There was a silence on the end, and I heard the gears in his head turning. He was finally crossing the gap and entering into the realm of my thoughts. “You’re leaving me?” he demanded, anger rising from the deepest crevice of his body and bubbling into his voice.

“I’m not leaving you, Kevin. I’m divorcing you. There’s a difference.”

“You can’t divorce me. You need me.”

The door to the study opened, and Nathan came in, his duffel swung over his shoulder. “Ready, Mom?” he asked, smiling.

“In a minute, baby,” I replied, and turned my back to him. I whispered into the phone, just loud enough for Kevin to hear, but not loud enough for Nathan to. “I don’t need you, I never did. And I never will. You’re dead to me, Kevin, you no longer exist.” I pressed the off button, and set the phone down on the desk. Turning back to Nathan, I smiled. “Give me a few minutes to pack. Why don’t you grab your school books? We might not be back before school on Monday.”

“Okay,” he said softly, watching me with large blue eyes.

Upstairs, I threw some of my weekend clothes in a duffel bag and then riffled through my business clothes. Grabbing a few suits, I placed them in a hanging garment bag, and then moved to the bathroom. As I packed my shampoo and razor, I glanced in the mirror. Deep green eyes stared back at me, set into peaches and cream colored skin. Raven hair fell in soft curls along slender shoulders, and cascaded halfway down the white shirt I wore over dark blue jeans.

I had lived in this house for almost fifteen years. It had been my portfolio for my interior design career. This house was the original base that had gotten me my first three clients. But at the same time, it had so many memories in it, none of which were good. The fights on the cold tile floor of the bathroom, and the patched hole in the wall of the bedroom, where I had thrown a hair dryer at him after his first affair.

Breaking contact with my reflection in the mirror, I carried my toiletry bag into the bedroom, and flung the duffel over my shoulder. Downstairs, Nathan was on the phone. “Who is it, darling?” I asked, moving across the foyer to where he stood in the door of the study.

“It’s Logan, I called him. He wants to talk to you.”

My heart raced as I reached for the phone. When he handed it to me, I noticed my hands were shaking. “Why did you call him, Nathan?” I asked softly, covering the mouthpiece.

“Because he needed to know. And because he can make you smile.”

“You make me smile, kiddo,” I said softly. Putting the phone to my ear, I heard my voice break as I said, “Hey…”

“Where are you going?” he asked. His end of the line was very quiet, as if he were in a still room, alone.

I hadn’t actually given that any consideration. I knew I couldn’t leave the area; I wanted to be close so that I could make a meeting with Samantha tomorrow. “Probably the Hyatt, why?”

“Come to my apartment,” he replied.

“Why, Logan?”

He didn’t reply immediately, but I heard his breath against the speaker in the phone. Nathan slipped his hand into mine, and it was then that I realized that I had tears sliding down my cheeks. “Your place is with me, Katie. You’ve always deserved more than Kevin, and you know that. You and Nathan deserve more than that jerk…”

“But Bridget,” I whispered.

“Bridget and I separated two weeks ago,” he said softly. “I told her that I was in love with someone else. I told her that I couldn’t marry her, that I couldn’t love her the way that she deserved. I’ve only loved you like that.”

More tears rolled down my cheeks, and I embraced my son, holding him tight. I was at a huge crossroads in my life, and the two most important men were standing beside me. “There’s so many things I’ve never said to you,” I whispered. “So many things that I’ve wished I could have.”

“You can, Katie,” he said, “You can. I’ll listen forever, to anything you want to say. And I’ll be good to you both. I’ll be there as a friend, an uncle, a father. Whatever you need from me. I’ve always loved Nathan like he was my son, you know that.”

“He is,” I whispered, stroking my son’s hair as his head rested against my stomach. He looked up at me, no idea what was going on from Logan’s side of the conversation. Those bright blue eyes burned into me, love swelled in my chest and washed over me. “He is, Logan.”

Silence filled my ears as Logan digested the words I’d spoken. “You mean, all those years ago… Mine? Really?”

“Yes,” I said, wiping my tears, and smiling down at Nathan.

“Are you okay, Mom?” Nathan whispered.

I nodded. “Yes, darling. I’m all right. Why don’t you get in the car? I’m going to say good bye to Logan and I’ll be right out.”

“Okay,” Nathan replied, grabbing his bag and my toiletry case. “Tell him I said good-night.”

“I will.” Nathan left, closing the door behind him. “I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you, Logan. But I didn’t know how. I was scared.”

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me. You let me think that he was Kevin’s, all those years. You let that bastard raise my son,” Logan said, his voice broken and ragged. I heard him take a shuddering breath, and I realized that he, too, was crying.

“I’m so sorry, Logan,” I whispered. “I should have told you so long ago. But I just couldn’t think of a good way. I wanted to tell you, you already loved him so much. I was scared that you would want custody, and I was afraid of what Kevin would do to us if he found out. I know, that’s a lame excuse, but I was scared for him. I can handle whatever Kevin could dish out, but not Nathan. I’m so, so sorry, Logan.”

“I love you so much. Everything will be all right. Tell Nathan I’ll see him soon. Come to my apartment.”

“Are you sure you want to do this, Logan?” I asked, uncertainly.

“I’m sure I can’t live without you. Kevin is an idiot, Kate. He never deserved you. And I might not either, but I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to.”

“I love you,” I whispered.

“I love you, too.”

I clicked the button on the phone and set it on the table in the hall. Without looking back, I shut the door and locked it. Nathan waited in the car, solemn and quiet. “Let’s have an adventure!” I exclaimed, climbing in and turning over the engine. He grinned at me and bounced in his seat. Pulling out of the driveway, we passed a black BMW, and the headlights flashed at me.

“It’s Dad,” Nathan said softly, following the car with his gaze. I glanced over at the driver. I grimaced. “Don’t stop, Mom. Just keep driving,” he said, reaching for my hand.

“Darling,” I whispered, reaching to place my hand on his. “I need to tell you something. I wanted to wait until you were older, but now is as good a time as any.”