If only it didn’t have to be true
Life should be more consistent
The people around me should be more consistent
I need something to be dependable
I can’t tell which way goes where or who is what
I am baffled to consider how others perceive me
So I’m not sure if I want to know
The events of one day have nothing to do with the next day
There is no sort of chronological order
People have made me their enemy say hello to me
I feel a sinking in my stomach for no reason at all
My mind is becoming more dispersed
I say bless you when someone coughs
When I have no reason to be tired I’m still tired
I’d say there’s a weight on my shoulders but I’d be giving myself too much credit
I want everything to come out
Nothing will be hidden
I will be able to face what I don’t want to see
But I have to catch what is stifling me
When I lose touch on what is around me, I have nothing
How can I show that I’m even here?
Everything was supposed to be different
But I’m losing even the mundane battles with myself
I don’t keep good company for me
Deflating in the aftermath of it all
Everyone needs a healthy sense of shame to keep from living well
I am not going to apologize for this
Let’s suppose that maybe I am the wrong one
Are you dealing with me the right way?
Are you possibly working off selfish personal whims anyway?
Have you solved anything by being right?
But being right is naturally more desirable than doing right
I want everything to come out
Hit me to censor dissent
That way you can learn to live with yourself
My problem is I haven’t convinced myself that I’m holy
If I saw myself as a bastion of holiness, I would be full of confidence
I might be sure I see things more clearly
I might sleep better
My irredeemable inner turmoil might go away
I might be a new person
I might come out of my shell
And the only thing I would have lost would be my authenticity
Life might be pleasant but it wouldn’t be real
Is that a sacrifice worth making?
I am not going to give myself away
I want everything to come out
Then maybe I’ll find who I really am