Whoever said Thanksgiving isn’t a commercial holiday?
Of course I have to buy special pilgrim decorations
I am so festive
Wear the colorful sweater with turkeys on it
They had a nice dinner then went back to killing each other
I’m so traditional I buy my cranberry sauce homemade
It looks like the turkey is still raw
But it’s only raw on the inside. No one will know
Lord, remember me when you enter into your kingdom
Remember me?
I was always trying to be there for you
At least I died next to you
You had your arms outstretched like you would hug me, but couldn’t reach
The people were so mad they threw Easter eggs at me
Painted with angry slogans intended to do me wrong
When I pulled my head out of my ass I found more eggs

I bought a self-help book this year to help me out in keeping my Lent
It turns out that fish isn’t meat
I tried to give up being human, but that’s just too hard
Then I discovered that it was an untapped season
That’s forty solemn days to make money off of
Happy Lent!
As long as you’re lost in the wilderness, buy a greeting card
Temptation too much for you? Call now and save!
Operators are standing buy to save your soul!
Repentance is too harsh of a word
No one will do that if they call it that
The best part is we can turn stones to bread anyway
The only thing I know how to give up is self-deprivation
Wandering in the desert? I meant the beach
The sun is still too much anyway
After that the sun sets and never rises again

Who else is too ashamed to admit they believe in God?
I’d rather be a heathen than a hypocrite
Anyone can be glad when Resurrection Sunday happens at least once a year
I put so many nails into his hands you’d think he needs a break
Happy Lent anyway