The semi cosmic toast adventures starring Fred the flapjack: by Leigham Shardlow

Pre log: Fred, intro, brother, cheap alternative to a doughnut

Fred was a flap jack just sitting on the porch dreaming of most of the world and how they just wouldn’t stop talking about crap.

The news this, the weather that what a load of shit he thought.

He got up and walked inside his orange peel house. He took out a box of matches and struck one.

Slowly he dropped it on the floor and set his house on fire.

“There he said” he said “that ought to confuse the readers” he went and stood outside

and watched as his house burned to the ground “oh shit” he said “where will I live now” he sat down on what appeared to be a cushion but was his dat muffles, muffles squealed but died in vain. (A dat is cross between a dog and a cat for the clinically confused out there) “Why am I so stupid” exclaimed Fred.

He got up off muffles. “There you are muffles, muffles please speak to me I’m having a terrible day, first I woke up in a dustbin and found’t my wife in my bed, I have no idea why she was there. Oh crippled funiture now I’ve not just set the house on fire but her as well. Never mind I’ll go and stay with my parents” He walked out of his garden and down the road as his wife’s screams faded into the night.

Chapter1: the star ship cosmic toast or intro to idiocy

The millions of stars seemed to shine and twinkle in the blackness, no more like little dots of toothpaste on your best black trousers so you then have to change them for your second best, you know the ones that are not as good but will have to do.

Gerald looked back from the window of the cock pit. “Was that the last of the chickens” he said wiping the last feather from his lips.

The main computer beeped in response, “look I told you I don’t speak figery machine, talk human it’s the second easiest language to speak”

“You don’t even get that right” replied the computer

“Where are we” said Gerald “how the hell would I know you sold my navigation computer to buy an oven ready turkey for your birthday”

“And what pray tell is wrong with that”

“We don’t have an oven”

The intercom crackled and spoke “no more rabbits please Gerald were closing in on that planet you wanted to see”

Gerald pulled a large hand grenade from his pocket and swallowed it ungracefully.”Why are you so obsessed with eating those things?” said the computer in its deep robotic voice.

“They are a human way of freshening your breath there called mints”

“Well they like look like grenades”

“Go and irritate captain “mandarin and pickle” will you I need to prepare for landing”

“Cry baby”

Chapter2: happy funeral Mr Swithens

Meanwhile one hundred million light years away on the planet depress Sion; the semi evil warlord meshugga bubba was planning the destruction of earth.

He sat in his throne of fake gold and was fumbling through some vogue magazines.

“Why am I not beautiful? “Said Meshugga bubba as a small robot appeared from behind his throne “sire the super amazing deatho destruction annihilation missile is ready” bleeped the robot with a voice like a tin opener.

“The just give I the name abbreviated”

“Sorry sire, the S.A.D.D.A.M is ready”

“What about the launcher, um what’s it called”

“Oh the Irresponsible, radioactive, able, Queen”

“ABBRIVIATE!”

“The Iraq sire”

(I am sorry to interrupt your reading pleasure for a second but if this is getting to boring you just might want to skip to the next chapter as the punch line to the joke is rather lame and even a blind squirrel could see it coming a mile off: Leigham)

“And the firing mechanism “

“The Ballistic, Uber, Shooter, Hurray is finished and so is the launcher “

“So wait B.U.S.H is going to launch S.A.D.D.A.M out of I.R.A.Q “

(Told you it was lame go on you can shoot the book now and send me angry letters because that blind squirrel has just been run over: Leigham)

“Yes “

“Well hurry up and do it before I die of herpes because we all know that’s what’s going to happen anyway”

Chapter3: there was no point in picking this book up was there

Fred sat at bar supping down a cheap bottle of maple syrup and nibbling on his arm.

The bar man approached Fred “I think you’ve had enough “He said

Fred replied “It’s hard to think when your wife’s actually in Spain and you just burnt down your next door nieghbours house.”

“Jesus” said the barman “have one on the house” the barman took out a bottle labelled “one on the house” and broke it over his head “now get out you tasty low in fat dessert you”

Fred walked into the street and tripped up over his own raisin vomit. (Do flap jacks have raisins write in and tell me now and you could win a lifetimes supply of sarcasm you lucky lucky gits)

He awoke several hours later strapped to a table, to his left was a plate full of butter and to his right was some jam.

“This isn’t the gutter” said the Fred

“You’re telling me” Replied the jam

There was a sharp thwacking noise and Fred awoke with a rather bemused look on his face.

Staring down on him was a man with red hair and a Speedo.

He was holding a fly swatter.

“You shit!” said Fred

“No” said the red haired man wearing a Speedo “I’m meeno spelanovitch but everyone calls me arse face “

“That’s ok then that shit owes me money”

“Come with me “said arse face

“Ok” said Fred

Chapter 4: The more you read the more confused you will get

“I’m second in command on the star ship cosmic toast” said arse face

“Really I’m a talking piece of delicious wheat goodness” replied Fred

Arse face pulled out a probe and put it down his Speedo

“I’m just calling the ship” said arse face

“Of course” said Fred

All of a sudden a great flying ten pence piece came flying out of a nearby cloud of very convenient placed poison gas (Try saying that while watching a great flying ten pence piece fly out of a conveniently placed cloud of poison gas)

“Wow” said Fred “Where did that cloud come from”

Then Fred and Arse face were sucked up into a tractor beam

“We were going for plough beam but the captain likes the retro feel of the tractor beam”

Said arse face

“I would have gone with more of a yellow light than this purple one” said Fred

“That’s what I said”

And with that sentence they were sucked up the purple tube and into the ten pence piece which flew out of the (Only joking)

Chapter 5: time to end this story admit it, it wasn’t good to begin with

Meanwhile The S.A.D.D.A.M had hurtled through space and had entered the earth’s atmosphere.

“Oh no” said the whole world

“Oh yes” I said “I Told you this would happen but no you had to ignore the signs, I said that the pigeons would attack and they have. You only have yourself to blame.”

As Gerald was showing Fred the escape pod the S.A.D.D.A.M had just hit the ten pence piece.

“Ooo what dose this button do?” said Fred as he pressed it and released the escape pod only seconds before the ten pence piece was hit and blown to smithereens ( A smithreen is a form of jelly , you know the part were you just mixed it water and it’s not water or jelly.)

The shock sent the escape pod hurtling through space. “Curse you Duke fart Knocker”

Said Fred, as he span into the oblivion. (And here comes the biggest irony of this story, the world was saved by a giant ten pence piece Ha ha ha ha ha ha exetera exetera .)

Chapter 6 : I lied about the end

Back on the planet Depress Sion Meshugga Bubba was contemplating his next semi evil scheme . “Robot tell me I’m beautiful”

The robot wheeled itself from behind his throne “sire the missile failed to hit the target”

“Damn, why do I always fail? Robot fetch me my chocolates and the soppy films I wish to be alone”

Chapter 7 &8 & 9: All at once, I know I’m great

The escape pod flew through the cosmos as Fred sat inside with Gerald.

“Gerald?”

“Yes Fred “

“Why was your ship shaped like a ten pence piece?”

“well we where going for a radiator but we saw the monthly premium and to cut a long story short its always been two inches ever since I was a baby”

The pod started to shake and rattle.

Gerald started to rattle and shake.

Fred got out his guitar and played a rendition of shake, rattle and roll without the roll.

“Oh look a black hole” said Gerald

And with that convenient plot hole (get it)

The pod was sucked through the black hole like so much tomato soup.

(I apologize for the interruption but for those readers who have failed to grasp that all this is fiction and through the powers of writing I can warp these pages and change the story or invite any celebrity into the oh so amazing plot.)

Inside the black hole the pod seemed un-damaged.

“Why’s it dark” Said Gerald

“I, BELIVE, IT’S BE, CAUSE, WE, ARE, IN, A BLACK, HOLE”

“Who said that” Exclaimed Fred

“I, AM, STEPHEN, HAWK, ING, WELCOME, TO, MY, BLACK HOLE, ITS, VERY, ROOMIE.”

“Hi I’m Fred”

“And I’m Gerald” said Fred

“Hey that’s my name”

“Yeah I thought I’d confuse the egg head”

“NO ONE, CALLS, ME, AN, EGG, HEAD, AND, GETS, AWAY, WITH IT, PUT UP, YOUR, DUKES”

“I’ll have you know I’m a butter belt at bread jitsu” Said Fred

“ARE YOU, A, FLAP, JACK?”

“Why yes I am”

“EX, ELL, ENT, I’LL, BE, BACK WITH, JAM”

And with that he disappeared into the back abyss

“Ho hum” murmured Gerald

“Shall we move on” Said Fred

“Yeah, it’s for the best”