I was awake but I had my eyes closed, trying to pretend the grating luminescent light was actually the summer sun that gleamed outside the window. Instead of the paper hospital gown I was wearing a new light pink bikini (Hey, I had lost a lot of weight since becoming sick; I may as well flaunt it.). I felt the warmth of the sand beneath me as a shot of morphine coursed through my veins. I heard the ocean waves over the racket of medicine carts being pushed by orderlies and candy stripers. I was lost in a summer wonderland until I heard footsteps on the cheap tiled floor of room 314.

“Jenn?” I knew his voice before I saw his face. I knew his expression before I opened my eyes. The big brown eyes beneath dark eyelashes, looking in disbelief at the remnants of a girl he used to know.

“Hey Johnny,” I said before opening my eyes. “Who told you I was here?”

I had told my friends I was going to school in Estonia, a small country in Scandinavia. I hadn’t wanted them to see me like this.

“Your sister told Amanda, who told Cathy who told me. I was volunteered to find out if it was true.” He said not moving from the doorway. If he came closer he’d have to face reality and he didn’t want to believe my little sister. She wasn’t always totally honest with anyone.

I sighed and smiled at my sister Rachel, wherever she was. She knew I needed my friends, but they needed me too. They needed me as I was, not as I am. She just didn’t get it.

“Well, depends on what she told you.”

He finally looked at me in the eye. He was close to crying but was desperately trying to hide it.

“She said you had cancer.”

“Of the liver at first, at least that’s where the doctor’s think it originated.”

“It spread?”

“You think I’d be here if it didn’t?” I said motioning around the room with a smile on my face. He didn’t smile back and then I calmed down. “Yeah, it spread. The doctor’s didn’t catch it until it was all over.”

“But… this can’t happen. I mean you’re only twenty.”

“Wrong… I’ll be twenty in two weeks.” I said.

I could see my jokes were breaking his heart. I lowered my head and apologized and that’s when he finally came to the bedside.

“You should be.” He said sitting next to me. “Why didn’t you just tell us?”

“We were just getting out of school for the summer and I didn’t want you guys to spend your summer in a hospital room.”

“But it was going to be our summer; the four of us. What gives you the right to decide how we spend our summer?”

“Johnny…”

“No! This isn’t fair. You should’ve told us.”

“There was nothing you could’ve done.” I argued.

“We could’ve kept you occupied, distracted, anything.”

“You did.” I said with a smile. Jon looked at me with the what-are-you-talking-about-look. “If you guys were here, I couldn’t imagine you guys at the beach, taking road trips, you know, doing all the things we planned. Because you guys are out there, all I have left is my imagination. I’d just see you guys and be where you are.”

“You’re ridiculous.” He said lifting one corner of his lips.

“See, I see that all the time.” I said lifting a finger to his face.

He grabbed it quickly and put it between his teeth playfully. I laughed and faked pain. He let go and held my hand and gently petting it, trying to make it feel better. He got quiet again when he saw my skinny wrists. He just stared at my arm. I didn’t realize he was crying until a tear drop fell onto my fingers.

I tilted his head up and wiped the tears from his cheeks.

“It’s ok.” I said quietly, ignoring the wanna-be tears at the back of my eyes.

“How?” He managed to choke out. “Out of everyone I know you are the last person that deserves this.”

“Johnny, I’ve come to terms with it-“

“That doesn’t mean I have to.” He said with anger clear in his voice.

I put my head back and stared at the tiled ceiling. What did he want me to do? Jump up out of bed, rip the IV’s from my arms and proclaim “I’m cured!”? This is exactly why I didn’t want my friends to know.

“Aren’t you angry? You’re never going to be able to do anything you wanted to.”

“Thanks Jon.”

“I didn’t mean it to be mean. It’s just… I don’t know.”

“I do.” I said patiently. “I was angry when I first found out. But the same day I found out was the day that we went to the pet store and the beach, remember?” He nodded. “Because of that day I realized something. There’s no point in being angry, because I have people that care about me. Who can do absolutely nothing for an entire day and still have a good time. Just as long as you, Cathy, Amanda and everyone else keep having fun, and occasionally think of me… I’ll be doing everything you’re doing.”

“That’s what they say…” He said skeptically.

“No, that’s what going to happen. Once I’m out of this damn hospital bed I’ll be with you guys all the time; except when you’re having sex, ‘cause that’d just be weird.” That got him to laugh. “But I’ll be around when you guys finally graduate college. I’ll be there when you get married, and when you have a kid. I’ll be there when you buy your first house. I’ll be around when you find your kid smoking pot behind your garage. I’ll be around when your kid graduates high school and when you drop him off at college. I’ll be around when you become a grandparent. I’ll be there when you’re playing golf because you have nothing better to do because you’re retired. I’ll be there when your parents come and see me. I’ll be there through everything. And when it’s all said and done, when you see me again, we’ll sit and wait for everyone else. And then Heaven is gonna have a party like they’ve never seen before.”

“Could you imagine? It’ll be bigger than when Jesus opened the damn gates.” He said with a slight laugh.

“Hell yeah it will be.” I said smiling. The tears were trying to come out again, damn tears. “Don’t you get it? I’m going to be living vicariously through you, which is why I’m ok with this. I had no idea what was going to happen to me, I couldn’t see myself past the age of twenty-eight, but you… you and everyone else. All of you guys are going to be awesome. Awesome parents, awesome famous people, awesome rich people, awesome famous rich parents… whatever it is you guys do, you’ll be awesome at it. That’s why I’m ok with this whole dying thing. Because I’m dying, I’m going to be living the best life ever.”

“Leave it to you to make becoming a parasitic spirit sound amazing.”

“Ya gotta work with what ya have.”

“Visiting hours is ending in fifteen minutes.” The day-shift nurse said as she poked her head in. I didn’t like her. I imagined the door squishing her fat face and it made me smile.

“I guess I better get going then.” Jon said, without making any move to leave.

“Yea… it’s about that time.” I said.

I said it, but I didn’t want him to go. I felt the tears coming back, but now it was too much to handle. I looked away for a second and tried to push them back again, but it didn’t work. A couple spilled over my eyelids and slid down my cheeks. Then he turned my face back to him and wiped the tears away.

“I’ll be back tomorrow.” He said, keeping his hand on my face. “I’ll bring the girls too. We’ll come early and we’ll just hang out, alright?”

“Yeah, that’d be cool.” I said.

He sat on the bed and he gave me one of his amazing hugs. I breathed in his scent and didn’t want to let go. He kissed the top of my head and then I let go.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” He said one last time. I nodded, if I had tried to say anything my voice would’ve cracked with tears.

He walked to the door and walked out without looking back. Once the door was closed, I started crying hysterically. This was why I didn’t want my friends knowing. I turned onto my side and cried into my pillow. The IV’s tugged at my skin, but I didn’t care, it was just one more thing that I didn’t care about anymore.

Finally I calmed down so that just a few tears were rolling down my cheeks as I stared up at the tiled ceiling.

He’d tell the girls what I said. He’d tell everyone from school what happened to me and what I had said. And I did believe it. I had had a lot of time to think about it and I did really believe it. I might not be able to get married or have kids or anything, but I’d still watch out for everyone. My friends would make sure to watch out for my sister because that’s the kind of people they are. Everything in my life was going to be ok once I was gone.

I let one more tear fall and then I closed my eyes. I knew that once my friends knew I would be done. And I was right.

---

Jon, Cathy and Amanda walked into the air conditioned halls of the hospital. Jon carried a bunch of lilies in a pot for my room. They were pink and yellow, my favorite kinds. Cathy walked a little ahead of them, trying to be the brave one even though she was the most terrified. Amanda walked next to Jon in silence, trying to give him some strength. They had been up all night on the phone while Jon talked about me and what I had said.

Cathy was the first one to see my sister in one of the hospital chairs. I watched her pick up speed as she walked towards my sister. She knelt down next to her and just looked into her eyes.

“Rachel, what happened?” She asked just as Jon and Amanda walked up behind her.

Rach looked at her with a blank stare. “She’s gone.” She said simply. “She died last night; around one in the morning.”

I closed my eyes and tilted my head back against the wall when I saw Cathy start to hyperventilate. Jon caught her as she fell back off of her heels. She turned and started bawling into Jon’s chest as Amanda held herself up by the counter.

I opened my eyes when I felt like someone was looking at me. I lowered my head and Jon was staring, not at me, but in my general direction. I smiled and I knew he knew I was there. I walked over to him and Cathy and I touched his cheek and I stroked Cathy’s hair. Cathy calmed down, not completely but a considerable amount. I went over to Amanda and I touched her arm.

“She’s here.” Jon said to no one in particular. Cathy, Amanda and Rachel all looked at him. “She’s watching us now. She said she’d always be around, and she’s around now. She’s ok, just as long as we keep going, she’ll be ok.”

I smiled at him. He did get it. That entire time he had been listening and he had believed me.

My parents came walking down the hall, my mom was still crying and my father had his arm around her shoulders. He’d been crying too but had stopped. They had just left the doctor’s office.

My mom went straight over to Rachel and hugged her. My dad helped Cathy up as Jon stood up.

“She went peacefully, the doctor said.” My dad told Cathy, Jon and Amanda. “While she was sleeping.”

It was pretty peaceful come to think of it. It was just a feeling of relief, like the weight of my body was gone… Eh, I guess that makes sense, considering that’s what happened.

“Jane, why don’t I take you and Rachel home?” Dad said to my mom. She nodded without looking at him. She stood, still holding my sister and started walking towards the automatic door.

I called her name and she turned. I was standing next to Jon and she looked at him as if he had been the one calling her name. And then I realized he had.

“She’s ok. She’ll always be around. She told me that yesterday.” He said to her.

I saw my mom smile slightly and then she turned and kept walking with Rachel. I followed them out the automatic doors but turned one last time and looked at Jon. Cathy and Amanda were both leaning on him crying, but he was looking right at me, I mean right at me this time. And then he did the strangest thing; he winked.

I shook my head and laughed at him and continued walking out the doors.