This story means a lot to me. For once I actually liked something I wrote! Yay!

And it's terribly long for a one-shot, but I could not bear to put it in different pieces.

It is better as a whole story than a multi-chaptered one.

Please bear over with any grammatical errors or odd expressions, I'm not English.

Enjoy reading!

ps: thanks a lot to sis who already read this, and my Chibi. Thanks for cheering me on people!

Smoking kills you know

-by Kanilla Maxwell

Until that night I had always been someone neutral to the world around me and the things that takes place in it. I never cared much for the sake of others or their well fare. My surroundings were simply just existing, I took no part in them whatsoever. I think that such a behaviour must have frustrated my parents greatly as I grew up, maybe even caused them grief. But I am what I am, even if they can accept it or not.

Until that night I was on my own, yet I never felt lonely. I was distanced from everyone around me, yet I was complete. Or that's what I thought. Until I met you.

I remember one particular thing about that evening when I walked across the empty market place. It was a cold night, even though it was a late summer evening and the days still were hot. I remember how I rubbed my arms and wished for it to be warmer outdoors. The reason I was outside in the first place was simply to get away from my parents. They had tried confronting me about some ruckus I caused at school the previous day. I didn't wish to listen to them though, and so I did what I've done so many times before. I ran away for a little while and coincidentally winded up at the market place that once.

When I sat on that railing looking out at the ocean I was consumed in my thoughts. What they were I cannot remember now, nor can I remember why I was absorbed into them. All I remember is that I was busy thinking and that's it.

And suddenly, that was when you appeared out of nowhere.

You, the person who would turn my whole existence upside down and change me to become a whole other person.

“You got cigarettes kid?” you asked me.

I was too busy staring at you to even bother answering the question. You were different from anything I had ever seen before. Half length hair and a heart shaped face, pale cheeks and big eyes. Even a cute little button nose. And the loveliest blue eyes that bore into mine.

“I asked you if you got cigarettes kid”, you repeated and startled me.

I noticed then that you were actually pretty short for a grown up. Hell, a couple of inches taller than me, that's how tall you were. And I''m not a tall person. Normally my class mates pat me on the head and tell me to wear high heeled shoes so I'll look my age. And they always add that I ought to throw in some make up while I'm at it. They earn a nice frigid glare each time they do that.

“No...I don't smoke”

“A real shame”, you chuckled and moved to lean on the railing beside me. There was even a smile on your dainty lips as you looked at the ocean. I was mesmerized.

And that moment I didn't even give a thought to the fact that you were a guy. I just felt that I had to stare at you. You didn't seem to mind my staring though so I figured it was okay.

“Smoking kills you know”

You looked at me with an eyebrow arched before chuckling again.

“I get that a lot...I'm used to it”

“Oh...”

I always wondered why I told you that. It's not like I have any right to tell you how you should lead your life.

“Don't worry about it...You know, the ocean always looks beautiful from here. Do you come here often?”

“Not really”, I said with a shrug.

“I do, whenever I need some time away from people. Seriously, people can be such nags if you're a little famous”

I remember how I wondered if I had seen your face before somewhere. Though, I couldn't remember where, so I pushed the thought to the back of my mind and didn't ask you about it. Hell, it was strange enough to have a complete stranger tell me stuff about his personal life!

“What's your name kid?”

You used to call me kid for a long time. I always wondered why, especially after I found out that you're barely three years older than me. Besides, you always had the greatest baby face I ever knew about. You even used the innocence of your face to get it your way. That used to amuse me a great deal.

“It's Maion”

You looked surprised for a brief moment before laughing softly.

“That's a cute name, Maion. I never heard it before. Is it foreign?”

“I haven't got a clue. My parents can be real freaks sometimes”.

“I see...My parents were like that too”

We watched the ocean for a little while before looking at each other again.

“What's your name, mister?”

“Mister? My name's Lukas, feel privileged to know”, you said with a wink of your hand.

I was certain you were joking.

“You know, Maion...I'm feeling bored, let's go somewhere”

You surprised me by saying that. I mean, who would want a stranger to go somewhere with them? But the look in your eyes was honest, so I didn't protest when you grasped my wrist and pulled me down from the railing.

You took me out dancing.

And boy, I don't think I ever had that much fun.

The memory is blurred.

Why?

Simply because I got drunk for the first time that night and had a good time with you. In the beginning I was reluctant to drink, but you quickly convinced me it was okay. I don't know how you were able to actually make me listen. It was as if you just demanded for the people around you to obey without saying anything at all. Just with a simple gesture or smile you could get the things you wanted. I didn't even have to show my ID when we went to that nightclub.

When I woke up that following morning I was a complete mess. I remember how my head was pounding from the very moment I opened my eyes. The ceiling was white. But what consumed the most of my attention at that time was the fact that I was naked.

That scared the shit out of me. That my memory was fuzzy didn't help either. So when I couldn't find my clothes anywhere in the unknown room I got really scared for the first time in God knows how long.

“Awake already?”

I found you standing in the doorway with a smile on your lips.

“Where the hell am I? What happened? And where are my clothes!”

I must have looked completely panicked that time because you burst into a fit of whole hearted laughter and shook your head.

“You're at my apartment, in my bed. I took you here since I don't know where you live”

“Then why the hell am I naked? Ouch..my head”

“You puked all over your clothes. Don't worry, I didn't do anything. And I looked the other way when I undressed you!”

No one had ever made me blush like you did by saying those words. In the next moment my face was red as a tomato and I wanted to hide away from your smile.

“There's aspirin in the bathroom if you want some...And I have the breakfast ready in a few, just go and take a shower or whatever you feel like”.

You left me alone after saying that.

Hell, I was pretty suspicious as I got out of your bed and made my way to the door that had a sign on it saying WC. But my body felt fine, so I believed what you had told me. I don't think you are capable of lying anyway. All the things you told me during our relationship were sincere.

Breakfast was a pleasant thing to share with you, that much I discovered after I had my shower.

Even if I had barely known you for more than a couple of hours you spoke to me as if we had been friends for years. I sat listening to you while observing my surroundings. Your apartment was always large and white with only the necessary furniture in it. It stayed that way for as long as I used to visit it. There were posters on the walls too, posters of bands and musicians. It didn't take me long to find out that you were the vocal of some band that was on an uprising wave. I never did listen much to music.

When I parted from you that day I was wearing your clothes. They didn't quite fit me, they were a little too tight for my taste.

“Not at all my dear, my clothes look great on you! You make me want to pounce on you!”

That's what you told me. And you bet, I blushed for the second time that morning.

“Thanks for everything Lukas...I'll return with your clothes after my mum has washed them, okay?”

“Sure thing, kid! Stop by anytime! In fact, hang on a minute...”

You disappeared for a moment before returning shortly. I was pretty surprised when you stuffed the key into my hands with a smile.

“If I'm not home, use this! I'm always busy on Wednesdays and Fridays, okay?”

I just nodded at you and left after muttering a silent goodbye.

When I got home around noon my parents were pretty hysterical, especially my mother. I hadn't expected else wise. After all, I'm their only child and in my mother's eyes I'm still a little boy even if I'm sixteen. She made my father ground me. They probably thought I had been out partying(which I had) and hitting on girls. It took mum days to calm down.

I did a lot of thinking those days, before I went to see you again.

I kept thinking about how you had mesmerized me. About how your eyes seemed to smile at me even more so than your mouth. About how gorgeous you were.

At first I just couldn't accept the fact that I thought a guy was handsome. I tried to deny it and convince myself that I wasn't gay. But how could I know for certain? I had never been in love before or even interested in another person. A class mate told me I should kiss a guy to see if I liked it. The thought was repulsive to me, but after thinking it through I found it a bit less disgusting. So, that's what I decided I should do the next time I saw you.

I made certain not to come for a visit on a Wednesday or a Friday. You did tell me you were busy those days after all. So, when I was standing at your doorstep that Saturday night I wasn't sure if you were in. Turned out you were.

Like the first time I saw you, I was just as nailed to the spot when you opened the door and greeted me with a smile.

“I thought you had forgotten about me kid! Come inside, I'm just singing a bit”

I followed you into the living room where there were notebook papers spread all over the floor with crappy handwriting on them.

“I'm looking through some lyrics...I'm having trouble writing anything new”, you told me.

I stayed by your side that whole evening. You were unlike anyone I had ever been around before, you were -fun-. You laughed, you smiled and you told lame jokes that made my mouth curl up into a smile. We even watched a movie together. The movie bored me, but you were constantly laughing at it so I didn't say anything. I didn't want to offend you. Not to mention that I was deep in thought all the way. I was debating on whether to kiss you or not, just like my class mate had told me a couple of days beforehand.

I decided to go for it.

So when we were having a pillow fight and you fell on me I took the leap and kissed you. It was nothing but a brief kiss, barely even there. But as you stared down at me I could feel my heart beat rapid within my ribcage. I'm sure you must have felt it too. I even thought I had offended you because you didn't speak a word.

You did something else though that surprised me. You kissed me back. I just lay still all the time while your lips were pressed to mine. That kiss was enough to make my cheeks heat up.

“You know, you're a real cute kid”

“I'm not a kid, I'm sixteen”, was the first thing that came to my mind.

“You're cute nevertheless”, you chuckled and pecked my lips.

I felt cold when you got off me. You reached out your hand and pulled me back into a standing position.

“How old are you Lukas?”

“I'm nineteen”

You stared at me then for the longest time and I noticed that I was blushing again. You made my blood boil.

“You know, let's go out together next weekend”, you suggested.

I thought about what my parents would say if they knew I was falling for a boy three years older than me.

“Okay”

That's how our relationship started.

All week I was waiting for weekend to come, I felt restless and bored and you were constantly on my mind. I had already gotten used to the thought of being gay so it didn't bother me anymore. The boys in my class didn't even interest me the slightest bit though. I barely looked at them.

When weekend came I went to your place, as we had agreed on. I had dressed up a bit, I even wore a tie loosely around my neck and some stuff I took from my dad in my hair. It looked cooler that way. You greeted me with another of those brilliant smiles once you opened the door and I smiled in return. You were gorgeous as fuck that evening.

This time also we went to a club. Except, this was not a cheap place. I concluded that you must have known the guards standing by the entrance because you simply winked your hand at them and they let us both through, asking no questions. It was a cool place and I felt satisfied because I knew none of my class mates would be able to enter here. In fact, neither should I have been able to since I am underage. We had a couple of drinks at the bar and you chatted freely with anyone who approached you.

I didn't even feel left out despite all the people you talked to. You introduced me to every single one of them as a good friend of yours. I was thrilled. I had known you for a couple of days and you already thought of me as a good friend. How much better could it get? Or at least, that's what I thought.

We were both a little drunk as we returned to your apartment that night. I hadn't told my parents beforehand where I was going, I had simply left the house without them noticing. I left a note on the fridge saying I wasn't coming home that night though.

When we locked ourselves into your apartment we were both laughing and sharing lame jokes. God, you knew so many of them that it made me crack up laughing just at the mere stupidity of them.

Somehow we ended up in the bathroom together and you decided that we needed a shower, just out of the blue. And you didn't mean for us to take separate showers either. Oh no, you meant we should have one together! Hell, I wasn't used to that kind of stuff so I protested. That was, until you had me up against the wall while kissing me.

It's one of my fond memories.

When morning came I found myself curled up in your arms on the bed in your large bedroom. I remember how bad I felt, like someone had given me a beating. My lower back was a complete pain. You were holding me pretty close that morning. You even smiled in your sleep and muttered words I couldn't get.

“How do you feel?” you asked me once you woke up.

“Like crap”, I whined.

“Sorry...I'll try to be more careful another time”

“It's okay”, I told you and snuggled closer.

You laughed that soft laugh of yours at pressed a kiss to my forehead. I felt pretty good despite my physical condition.

“Your parents must be wondering where you are...I assume you haven't told them about me?”

“You're right, I left a note saying I wouldn't come home last night...Mum's probably freaked, thinking I'm out doing drugs and making girls pregnant”, I grinned.

“I'd feel very sad if you were knocking up girls...”, you told me with a smile.

“Seems like I'm gay, right?”

“Yeah...Otherwise you wouldn't have slept with me last night”

“God, that's so weird”

We both laughed at that and you told me, like last time, to go and have a shower if I wanted to. Hell I did. You had breakfast ready for the two of us when I returned from the shower.

As I walked home I had this huge smile on my face. I don't think anyone has ever made me smile as much as you have. There was just something about you that made me crack up and smile like some other idiot. Even my parents noticed the change in me. Mum confronted me about it and asked if I was in love one morning before I rushed off to school. I told her yes.

I felt like laughing at her face when she asked when she'd get to meet the girl.

I settled with sticking out my tongue at her before running off. I wasn't going to tell her that the person I was in love with was no girl, but a guy older than me. She would have freaked if I told her that anyway.

I'll never forget the first time I heard you sing.

That day I had just finished school and rushed to your place just to see you. I locked myself in with the key you had given me and placed my shoes at the entrance. You were standing in the middle of the living room with a set of earphones on as you danced around the room. I already knew you were a good dancer from the times we had been out together. But you were even more graceful as you danced that day than you had been at the clubs. And you were completely consumed in what you were doing. You didn't even notice me when your eyes fell on me.

There was something different about you as you sang too. You were far away, in another place, another time and dimension. And the look on your face...It was something I can't describe properly with words. It was serious, more serious than I had ever seen you before. You seemed mature for once. To see you like that made me hold my breath.

I think almost an hour passed before you noticed me. The moment you -saw- me you jumped into the air with surprise and tore off your headphones.

“Maion!”

“Hi...I figured I could stop by”, I said with a smile.

“How long were you watching?”

“A while...”

Then you flashed me another of those bright smiles and turned off the music.

“I hope you didn't think I'm a bad singer”

“Not at all...Your voice is actually pretty good. I might have to start listening to your music”, I told you with a wink of my hand.

You blew me a kiss and told me that there was food in the kitchen if I wanted anything. You were going to the record studio later that day and they wouldn't allow me to come along, you said. But I was free to stay in your apartment if I wanted to. I did that.

While you were gone I had a look around your apartment. I hadn't had the chance to do that yet and I was surprised to find that you owned almost nothing compared to any other normal person. All you had was your furniture and those posters. There were no pictures of family or friends anywhere that I could see. That's what I thought until I came to the bedroom. I had never bothered to look around in there either properly. So when my eyes fell on a framed picture on your bedside table I was too curious not to look at it.

You were in that picture with another person, a woman. If I liked girls I'd say she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life. Her hair was long and jet black and it didn't look dyed. Her face wasn't heart shaped like yours, it was long and narrow. I guess that made her look mature compared to you. And her eyes...Just like yours they were smiling, and these were a pair of dark chocolate brown eyes.

The way you were holding her in that picture told me you two were very close. Which in turn made me wonder -how- close. I hadn't seen that woman around though, so I figured she didn't live close by. Maybe she had moved elsewhere and you rarely ever saw her anymore. I couldn't get her off my mind for the rest of the evening, her face was stuck to my mind like glue on paper.

When you returned a while after midnight you found me lying on your bed, staring up at the ceiling. I didn't notice you were there until you jumped onto the bed beside me and snuggled your face into my neck. Your nose felt cold so I concluded that you had walked home from the record studio.

“Were you bored?”

“Not really...”

True enough, I hadn't been bored while you were gone. I had been too busy thinking and wondering about your life and how you had lived it. It then occurred to me that I barely knew anything about you. Despite the fact that you talked all the time you never told me anything about your past or your family.

“When's your birthday, Lukas?”

“Why'd you wanna know? It's the 6th of September”

“Just asking...You don't tell me things like that”

“I'm sorry...”

When you wrapped your arms around me I could smell something odd, a scent I couldn't quite place. It rung a bell somewhere at the back of my mind. But since I could not figure out what it was I refused to ponder upon it and drive myself crazy. It wasn't a bad scent though...just odd. Almost like perfume. Which I later found out was correct.

“Are we an item, Maion?”

“If it's up to me..then yes, we are an item. What about you?”

“I'd love to be your boyfriend! I haven't had one for a while...”

Your voice dropped to a whisper as you spoke the last words. You sounded sad, which made me wonder what was wrong about being single for a while. After all, you were my first sweetheart. And you were still just nineteen. It couldn't be bad to be single, could it?

“Okay, I'm your boyfriend”

You seemed so happy when you sat up and looked down at me. Your whole face was smiling and your eyes had never been that brilliant in my presence before. They made you look like an angel along with your sun kissed hair. All of it just made my heart throb like insane. I was madly in love and it didn't bother me a bit that you were another guy.

The feeling of your lips against mine, I still treasure that. It was such a pleasant experience to kiss you. I was a bad kisser at that time(blame the fact that I had been single up until I met you), but you didn't seem to mind at all. In fact, I think you found it amusing. You would smile whenever I tried something new like some other clumsy fool. Hell, you were such a good kisser. You knew just how to make me melt against you with a simple kiss.

I didn't go home that night. I gave the hell about my parents and the scolding I was bound to get when I got back home. Though, strangely enough mum was not as strict about me coming home late anymore after I let her know that I was in love. I had eavesdropped on a conversation between her and my dad when they were talking about me, and mum seemed so happy that I had someone. I did feel a little guilty about not telling her my “someone” was a male. But not guilty enough to actually tell her. Mostly I could ignore the feeling.

Things went pretty well for a while before they started going downhill. Two weeks, if I remember correctly. And those two weeks were the happiest so far of my life. We'd go out together, eat ice cream, I'd listen to you when you sang in the living room and we'd just fool around. I was never happier than the times I was with you. I even felt like some love sick puppy whenever I was away from you, that's how important you were to me.

But as I said, things started going downhill, like they do in all relationships. What happened? We argued for the first time. And we argued about the silliest thing too, that does bother me a little even now.

We argued about your music.

It was a Friday afternoon and you were supposed to go to the record studio as you always do those days. We had planned to go out together the day afterwards. No wonder I got a little pissed when you told me you were going away for the weekend to another town with your band. I'm not the type to get angry for no reason yet the fact that you had forgotten to tell me made me furious.

“Why the fuck didn't you tell me Lukas?! I've been waiting for Saturday to come all week and you come and tell me we can't go out?”

That's what I yelled at you. I must have looked so pathetic standing there in the doorway to the bathroom.

“I'm sorry, okay? I just forgot to tell you, stop yelling at me!”

You were starting to get mad at that point, I could tell from your face. Those lovely blue angel eyes of yours were no longer sparkling, they were darting lightning at me as you looked in my direction.

It scared me to see you angry like that, but I was too angry then to care about that.

“Well, fuck you! I thought we were supposed to be in a relationship!”

That pissed you off even further, because within seconds you had me pushed up against the wall. You even strained me by holding my wrists over my head in a firm grasp. I was scared as hell by then, but I kept glaring at you.

“Shut up...You brat, don't you think I would have pushed you away a long time ago if I didn't care for you? You act like it's the end of the fucking world if I go away for the weekend...”

Your voice was so low and silky soft that it sent shivers down my spine. I struggled to free myself, but you were much stronger than me.

“Act a little mature Maion...”

You let go of me then and I rubbed my sore wrists while staring at you fearfully. Your face softened and you pulled me into a hug.

“I'll make it up to you, okay? I promise...I'll skip work next Wednesday”

I was still mad at you so I didn't say anything.

“Aren't you going to say anything?” you whispered as you stared into my eyes.

“Don't skip work for my sake...”

You kissed my forehead.

“I want to spend time with you...I don't want you to think you don't mean anything to me, Maion”

“Whatever”, I sighed.

You pecked my lips and let go before continuing to pack your things for the trip. I slipped out from the bathroom and fell onto your bed. I didn't feel mad anymore, you had made my anger slip away from me with those kisses and the apology.

I slept in your arms that night.

And when morning came you had already left. Though, you had made certain to tuck me in properly so I wouldn't kick off the covers and get cold.

You left me breakfast in the kitchen, along with a note that said you'd be back on Monday. You even reminded me that I still had a key so I could lock myself into your apartment whenever I felt like it. I was thankful for your consideration. At least, if I felt lonely I could come here. Even if your apartment always felt a little empty.

And guess what I did that Saturday? I went to the local library and borrowed a bunch of CDs, just to see what kind of music you were interested in.

To my great surprise I found that I actually liked a lot of that music. Most of it was calm(sometimes pretty wild though) rock, the atmosphere of it felt mellow and slightly depressive. It didn't remind me the slightest bit about you. You were way too cheerful, way to vibrant to listen to that kind of stuff. But if you liked it, well it was none of my business.

I wasn't going to complain since you made me find something I liked as well. Listening to it didn't make me feel like I knew you any better afterwards, which had been my goal. I spent most of that weekend lazing around in your apartment. I missed you so bad at times that I couldn't do anything but lie and hug your pillow to my chest.

It made my mother worry about me when I returned home Sunday evening. She smelled your perfume on me and simply gave me a suspicious stare.

“I can't remember that you used to wear perfume before Maion”

“Uh..I found one I liked”, I told her in a hurry before running to my room.

Poor mother of mine. I lied a lot to her those days I spent with you.

Monday evening, the night I had been waiting for. You seemed different when you returned to me that night, and this time either I could not place my finger on exactly what made you different. I could only tell that it was something I did not like.

You hugged me really tight and told me you had missed me.

I told you the same in return.

You seemed so child-like, even more so than usual, and fragile. It made me wonder if anything had happened to you during the weekend. I made you some mint tea and we sat down in the living room to drink it. And for once you were quiet. Your smiles almost seemed nervous to me.

“How was the trip?”

“It was okay...How was your weekend?”

“Boring”

You really weren't going to tell me anything that time, were you? You kept quiet about everything, you kept it all from me. Did you never trust me like lovers are supposed to do?

“I missed you so much kid”

You were even more clingy than usual. I felt like I was comforting a child. I knew something was wrong, but each time I tried to ask you about it you brushed me off with either a kiss, a touch or a smile and I was left clueless again.

But I felt too content to be back in your arms to push the matter any further. I should have, then I would have spared us both a lot of pain in the future. Things cannot be changed now, and I dread that with all my heart.

Our relationship continued like it had before, you still didn't tell me anything about yourself. We just did things together really, little talking and more action. I spent more and more time at your apartment. My mother was concerned about me since I barely came home after school anymore. She demanded to meet you. I was left clueless at what to do. I knew her heart would be crushed the moment she found out about you. Yet, she kept on insisting.

“Isn't it okay to tell them you are gay? If they throw you out you can always come and live with me”, you told me once I presented the problem to you.

“It's just...”

“I understand”

You kissed my forehead. You always seemed to be fond of doing that, didn't you?

I was grounded a couple of days after that because of a bad grade on a test. Or rather, I flunked. My mum was totally pissed off when I returned home after staying with you that day. She told me I was not going out after school for a week. And of course, I got pretty upset with her since that meant I couldn't see you at all. I was crushed and I think I even shouted at her that I hated her. You really did turn me into a drama queen at times.

When I called you that evening(before she managed to take my phone away) I was in tears.

“Calm down Maion...Things will work out in the end”

“No they won't...I bet mum will find out soon that I'm gay too and throw me out”

“Kid...Take it easy, just tell her that you're gay, okay?”

“I fucking can't Lukas! What do you think mum would say if she found out her only child was together with another boy?”

It turned out mum had been eavesdropping on the conversation. And that gave me hell. The morning after she confronted me with the coldest attitude I had ever seen before and during breakfast she asked me straight out if I had been talking to you last night.

“Yes, Lukas is a friend of mine”

“Does he also happen to be your boyfriend?”

The way she said boyfriend made me flinch. Even more so because she knew. I had never seen my mother that angry before.

“You're not going to talk to that guy again, you hear me?”

“You can't do this to me!”

“Oh yes I can, you are underage Maion! I tell you, you will NOT speak to that boy again! I will not tolerate to have a son who thinks he is gay!”

That did it. I slapped her and ran from the kitchen as fast as I could afterwards. I had never been that enraged, scared and sad in my whole life. I ran from the house and didn't even look back once. In not very long I found myself standing at your doorstep. You looked at me in shock when you saw my red rimmed eyes and tear streaked cheeks. I must have looked like a mess.

“Kid, come in...What happened to you?”

“My mother can't handle that I'm gay, Lukas. She won't let me see you again!”

My voice failed me and I flung myself at you. You took me along to the bedroom and lay me on the bed before tucking me in. You kissed my forehead.

“I will make us some tea and you can tell me everything”

I just sniffled.

I told you about my morning and you didn't do anything but hug me to comfort me. I didn't need anything else. Just your warm arms. I still miss the way they felt around me. I've never felt safer than in your embrace Lukas.

“Will you come and stay with me Maion, if they throw you out of the house?”

“Yes...I want to live with you, not them. But I am under-age, I don't have a say in the matter. And now that controlling bitch is going to pay attention to everything I do”

I was in deep despair, I cursed my parents, I cursed Heaven, I cursed just about everything I could think of.

“Stay here for today. We can just laze around and do nothing. Okay?” you offered.

I nodded.

I think that was the moment where I first realized that I loved you. I really did, from the bottom of my heart. Whenever I thought of living without you my heart would ache more painfully than ever before. I would shiver in fear. And the fact that I didn't have the approval of my parents hurt. I still love you. But that's not much use now.

The days that followed were pure hell from me. I wasn't allowed to leave the house after I came home from school, I couldn't use the phone, I couldn't watch the television. I was trapped inside a cage. My mother even took away my cell phone. I was lost and alone and wallowing in self-pity and despair. And it did me no good.

I became depressed for real, for the first time in my life. Sometimes my mind would wander to thoughts of suicide or self-harm and I would weep in my bed and beg for them to go away. I missed you so much it was driving me over the edge.

And one Saturday while I was eating my breakfast you showed up at our house. You didn't ask for permission to enter, you shoved your way past my father and barged into the kitchen. I was shocked to see you. You pulled me into a hug and showered my face with kisses. My father was furious, as was my mother when she entered the kitchen and found me in your arms.

“Who the hell are you?” my father demanded to know.

“Oh I know, you are the one who has put those foolish thoughts into my son's head! Making him think he is gay! You bastard!” my mother accused you.

“Mom, shut up!”

“I will not! You, you fag, stop deceiving my son and leave him alone!”

My mother was enraged. You just stared at her with a calm face.

“I never forced Maion into anything. Everything he has said and done has been of his own free will. Your son is gay, accept it and move on with your life”

“I cannot accept a sin like that!” my mother yelled.

“Let's pack your things and get you the hell out of this...place”, you said with disgust in your voice.

I couldn't have agreed more.

We went to your place, despite the protests of my parents. And I felt free from the cage once again. I was just so happy to be back in your arms, to be back in your warmth.

It seemed that you had lost your smile for some reason I did not know. I asked if it was me and you answered no. But you had missed me and you hated missing someone. I hugged you.

Things calmed down for a while. We didn't argue, I heard nothing from my parents. I was starting to think the future looked good. Me by your side.

Fate has it's own ways of ruining good faith.

You left for a trip with your band to another city. I felt so lonely those three days while you were gone. And when you returned you were not yourself. Just like last time you went away. Your smile was fragile and you seemed weary and broken in my eyes.

“What's the matter, Lukas? You are different”

You brushed me off like it was nothing and went to have a shower. I could only stare at the bathroom door with sad eyes until you returned.

“Will you not tell me? We are lovers, you ought to tell me what is bothering you”, I pleaded.

“You wouldn't understand”

I don't think you ever realized how much you hurt me when you said those words. To shut me out that way, it hurt really bad. I tried to ignore it and make you open up. But you were stubborn as ever and kept avoiding the subject. Then there was that scent on your clothes, the perfume-like scent. It wasn't your perfume. I started growing suspicious of you.

It ate away at my confidence, but I just could not bring myself to confront you about it. Your smile returned to your face after some time and you were back to your old-self. The one I had fallen in love with. If not for my suspicions I think we could have had a nice time together. I couldn't help it though.

“Lukas, what happens every time you go away? Don't tell me it's nothing or that I won't understand! I want to know! And that smell, that smell on your clothes! It's not yours, I can tell”

I was on the verge of tears when you stared at me with those blue eyes.

“I'm sorry Maion”

“Are you telling me...that you sleep with others?”

You didn't answer and it made my heart break into tiny pieces to know that I was right.

“You don't understand”

“Well, how the fuck can I when you never tell me anything! Make me understand! Fuck you Lukas!” I shouted loudly.

I didn't care if anyone heard me. I slept on the couch that night, away from your warmth. It hurt so bad to think that you had slept with someone else while in a relationship with me. I didn't understand you reasons for such a betrayal. What was going through your head? That was what I longed to know.

When morning came I had nothing to say to you. I hadn't even been able to sleep because my thoughts were driving me crazy. You had lost your smile again as you sat across me with a bowl of cereal.

“Maion...”

I ignored you.

I just knew it then that our relationship was going to hell. We would not be able to make it through. I was right, wasn't I? But I still loved you and it pained me.

Several days went before I spoke to you again. I went to school, you went to your record studio and on your trips. And always you would stare at me with a childishly fearful look in your eyes when you returned home to me. And my heart would break over and over again.

Then there was one evening I will never ever in my life forget.

We argued. It was a short argument, but its price was too high. If I could take back those words I yelled at you I would. I called you a liar, a cheater and a bastard among other horrible things. You fled to the bathroom and locked yourself in. I myself fell to my knees and sat sobbing on the floor. I thought my mind could only take that much before I would start going crazy for real.

You didn't come out from the bathroom.

I started worrying when five hours had passed. And when I went to knock the door you didn't answer me. It made my heart frantic. The door hadn't been locked. Either that or you had unlocked it again after a while.

I had the shock of my life when I entered. And not a pleasant shock either.

Your eyes were clouded as you glanced at me. I didn't notice. I was too busy staring at the small pools of blood on the floor. The blood that came from your wrists and legs, from all the cuts you had made there with a razor blade. I was terrified beyond words.

“Lukas! What have you done to yourself!” I cried and kneeled down by your side.

“I deserve it Maion. I hurt you and I dug the wound in your heart too deep. You don't want me anymore”

The injuries weren't lethal. But if you lost much more blood it could have been dangerous.

“I want you, stop saying that! Why did you do this? I don't understand!”

I broke down into tears and you smiled sadly.

“It's my burden, it doesn't concern you. It's something I cannot forget”

I called an ambulance.

They asked me many questions about you, your name, your birth date, family relations. I found to my great terror that I could barely answer any of them.

However, I could tell them what had happened to you.

And as I sat by your hospital bed that night I was in deeper despair than ever before. I wanted things to be alright, the way they had been before. Before you started showing me that other side of yourself. The side that I couldn't grasp, nor understand.

I felt helpless as I watched you sleep.

The doctors were ready to let you leave a couple of days later. You came home with me without protesting. In fact, your face lit up with one of those bright smiles when I said we were going back home. How I loved that smile. It used to make my stomach turn upside down and my head spin. It was the most beautiful smile in the world. I still think so. If only I could see it one more time.

I lay sleepless most nights and just listened to your heavy breathing. Silence would get to me sometimes and I would curl up close to you to concentrate better on your breathing. I felt so tired those days.. You were worried about me too. And you seemed to completely have forgotten about our argument and your stay at the hospital.

Things went well again. I started thinking our relationship was a roller coaster that had no end. It just kept going up and down, up and down and there were no stops or stages in the middle for us to settle. Either we had a good time or we fought. Simple as that. I like to think that we were passionate.

Your scars started to slowly fade. I would look at them sometime while you slept, trace my fingertips over the pink lines on your skin. They didn't suit you very well.

One day after I returned from school I found you curled up on the couch while clutching something to your chest. You were sound asleep, though muttering words that made no sense to me. And a name, you muttered the same name over and over again.

“Elena...”

Elena... ? Who was she, I wondered. You had never mentioned her to me.

The item you held so close was the same picture I had seem on the small table next to your side of the bed. I supposed that ... was the same woman you were dreaming about. It made me curious. Who was she? What was she -to- you?

You seemed a bit distracted when you woke up again. I was watching the television. You sat up and wiped away the drool on your chin before rubbing your eyes.

“I feel asleep...”

Your smile looked childish.

“I noticed. Mind telling me who Elena is? You didn't stop mumbling her name”

I hoped you wouldn't shut yourself off again.

“Elena?”

For a moment you didn't even seem to know what I was talking about. You tilted your head to the side and looked at me like a little confused child.

“Elena...”

I pointed casually at the picture in your hands. You pressed a little smile.

“She was my step sister”

My first thought was this: -was-?

“She died when I was sixteen, like you are now”

You smiled at me and waved the whole thing off like it was nothing. I could see that you were clearly in the mellow state of mind. You missed her a lot, I could tell.

“You can talk to me you know. I can listen too in case you didn't know”

You laughed and kissed my forehead like you always did.

After you fell asleep that night I lay awake staring at that framed picture beside the bed. You had put it back where it belonged without another word about Elena. It felt like you were determined to keep your mouth shut about her and everything else. I felt that I was in the dark.

Feelings change so fast, don't they? Except love, it's the only feeling that stays true to its nature over the years. I'll never stop loving you, you know. My feelings have not faded yet.

I kept pondering upon this Elena, your step sister as the days passed us by. What was she like? How had she died? I asked myself everything. And when I finally gathered the courage I asked you.

We lay curled up on the couch when I spoke up.

“How did she die, Lukas?”

“Why do you want to know?”

You were already tensing.

“Just curious, you never tell me anything”

“She killed herself”

“Oh”

That was all I could say. I hadn't expected that. And I felt myself hug you tighter. You stroke my hair in return and kissed the top of my head.

My mother called me the day after and tried to convince me to come back home. She was trying her best to stay calm and not yell at me. I told her no, not as long as she couldn't accept the fact that I was gay. She started crying. I wonder if she thought that was going to soften me. It didn't and I hung up on her and desperately hoped I wouldn't hear from her again for a while. I didn't.

You were more affectionate than ever as the weeks passed by. You lavished me with kisses, hugs and things like chocolate and flowers. How I used to protest and tell you those were the kind of things you bought girls! You never cared as long as you could make me smile. I probably gained weight from all the chocolate I ate back then.

I started being able to tell the difference in your moods, when you were happy or when you were sad, I could recognize it just by observing how you moved and the way you smiled. It made me feel like I knew you a little better. And despite the smiles upon your face you were sad more often than you were happy. Too often, and I hated it. You never spoke of it.

I eavesdropped on a conversation you had with yourself one evening. You had gone to bed early, telling me you had a headache, and I was about to enter when I heard your voice. At first I thought you were on the phone. But when the name Elena reached my ears I pressed my ear to the door, my interest peaked.

You said so many things and I can hardly be expected to remember them all. But some of it I recall clearly.

“You know E, Maion is really cute. I wish I could stay with him forever...But I just keep hurting him, I always hurt him. There are things I can't tell him and he suffers because of that, I can tell. His eyes look so hurt sometimes”

My heart pounded as you paused.

“I miss you so much, E. Sometimes I just want to end myself, like you did, to be with you again. You know I loved you more than anything, don't you? Even if you were supposed to be my sister, I loved you as a boy would love a girl”

He was crying to himself, the silent sobs reached me on the other side of the door.

“I'm sorry I couldn't protect you from my father...I'm sorry you had to be strong for the both of us. I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Elena, I want to die”

The words struck me painfully in the heart, like a knife driven into the organ. I was so shocked to hear you say things like that, to find that you were that sad. To know that you wanted to die. I had tears in my eyes when I opened the door. It was hard to pretend that I hadn't heard all of that.

And when I slipped under the covers I hugged you really tight. I think I told you at least three times that I loved you. You kept quiet.

I was silent the following morning. You kept hugging me and even tickling me to make me smile and yet I could barely force a little smile.

“What's wrong, kid? You seem blue today”

I was lying on the floor with you sitting on top of me. Did I ever mention I hatebeing tickled? No? Well, I always have.

“Lukas, why do you always smile?”

You looked confused.

“Why shouldn't I? I have you after all!” you beamed at me.

“Then why do you want to die Lukas?”

Your eyes widened. I think my words had the same effect as a punch would have. You looked absolutely shocked that I had asked you such a thing.

“Why Lukas? Please, just tell me”

You hung your head in defeat and removed yourself from my stomach. I couldn't see your eyes because your hair was hiding them.

“You heard me last night, didn't you? That's why you kept saying you love me”

You sounded bitter.

“I heard you...Why won't you tell me these things instead of speaking to someone who's dead?”

You suddenly had me in your arms and I buried my face in your chest. You always smelled good. I miss that smell of yours. To wake up and smell your hair, I miss it so much it hurts.

“I...I'm sorry Maion, I'm really sorry”

I hugged you too.

“Don't die, I'll miss you”

“Will you really?”

You let go and pushed me back. Your eyes looked blank and empty and it scared me. I couldn't understand what was going on with you. You stood up with your fists clenched.

“Will you really miss me, Maion?”

“Of course I will, you idiot! I love you!”

You laughed.

“Love...People speak the word so freely. Do they even know the true meaning of love? To love so much that you feel like dying when you can't see your beloved?”

He was speaking of his step-sister.

“Lukas...Please don't-”

“Don't what? What is it that you don't want me to do, kid? To stop hurting you? To want to live? I can't make those come true”

You were crying again and so was I.

“Maion, forget about me. Maybe you'll find true love when you are a little older”

How bad I wanted to shout at you that you were the one I loved, that you couldn't leave me, that I didn't care if you hurt me. Everything seemed meaningless to me if you were to leave me on my own again.

When I think of it now I think you just wanted to push me away. That it frightened you too much that someone had come too close to you. I think you felt that no one could love you for real. Such bullshit. You should have listened to me, Lukas.

“Leave”

I could barely see anything through my tears. I knew our relationship was coming to and end and I desperately wanted to avoid it.

“No...I won't leave you Lukas! Fuck, stop talking that way!” I shouted.

You yanked me back onto my feet and shoved me all the way to the door. You tossed out my shoes and jacket and shut the door in my face before locking it. I kept yelling, crying and banging on the door for you to open up. My fists were bleeding when I finally gave up and left the building.

I was heartbroken.

My mind was so messed up I didn't even consider to go home to my parent's house. I just walked through the streets with tears running down my face and droplets of blood dripping from my wounded fists. I didn't know what to do or say. I couldn't think for myself. You destroyed me that day Lukas. I have never completely been myself again since that. Yet I don't blame you.

But I can't stop blaming you for the fact that you never let me close. That is fully your fault.

I wandered throughout the town without any destination in mind. And in the end I found myself back at the place where I had first met you, by the ocean. I stood gazing out at the dark waters all night until morning came. I was empty.

Only when my cell phone started vibrating in my pocket did I snap out of my numb state long enough to take it from my pocket and read the text message there.

From you.

I'm sorry Maion.

I hurt you again.

I'll spare you anymore pain.

Please forget me.

I love you

That message made my heart go frantic inside my chest. I felt sick to my stomach. I knew something was about to happen and that I should go see you immediately.

And I ran. I ran for my life, my love, for the sake of everything I knew. I ran to get there as soon as possible, hoping for dear life that you had not left your apartment. And yet I knew somehow that you hadn't. It didn't stop me from running until I thought my heart would explode.

And when I finally stood in front of your door again, gasping for air, I unlocked it with the key you had given me and stepped inside. I felt even more sick by every step I took. I searched the apartment for you, the kitchen, the living room, your bedroom. You weren't there.

The bathroom.

That's where you were.

A couple of hours earlier I hadn't thought it was possible to feel more heartbroken than I did, and when I stepped into the bathroom I knew I had been mistaken. My heart broke over again until I thought the void it left behind would swallow me whole.

The picture of Elena and you was lying on the floor by your side, the glass broken into pieces that lay shattered all across the floor. I didn't care if the glass cut my feet, it was the last thing on my mind as I kneeled down beside you.

Your eyes weren't completely shut, they were still half-open as they stared through the roof. There was nothing stirring in them as I placed a hand to your still warm cheek.

A half-empty bottle of pills lay by your right hand. When I picked it up and read the note I wondered how many valiums you had swallowed down.

That wasn't the worst part though.

No, you had done more than gulp down pills. You had used a piece of glass from the broken picture to slit your left wrist. It was a deep cut, too deep. It didn't dawn on me first.

The blood was soaking through my pants and socks. I barely registered it.

And there was so much of it! Blood, everywhere!

It had stopped flowing from the wound on your wrist. Probably a while before I even reached your apartment. You had bled dry on this floor. And again I couldn't speak for myself or even reach out to shake your shoulder. In my heart I knew I had lost you for real this time. There would be no coming back.

At first I refused to believe that.

My hands were trembling badly as I stroke your cheeks, your chin, your golden hair. You felt warm and soft as always and I smiled to myself.

“Lukas...I love you”

It was all I could manage to say.

I stood up and went to call an ambulance even though I knew they could not help. I felt that I had to. The impact of your death didn't come until the following day. Since I had nowhere to go the police let me stay in your apartment that night. When morning came, that's when I realized what had happened for real. I went insane for a short period.

I searched your whole apartment over again for you, I was desperate to find you. My mind blankly denied what had happened. And when I didn't find you anywhere, just silence and emptiness all around, I curled up in our bed crying while hugging your pillow. One of the many.

I can't remember how long I stayed that way. But when I came to myself again it was night again. My eyes were red from the crying and my nose was running. I couldn't bring myself to enter the bathroom more than once, I went to get the picture you had left behind.

I returned to my parents' house shortly after. I didn't bring any of the things I had at your apartment. I saw no use for them.

Even now I sometimes wake up screaming from the images of you lying there in that pool of liquid crimson. When I wake up like that I always find that I am gasping for air, that I'm wet from the sweat on my skin. It is a really unpleasant way to wake up, be sure of that.

The relationship with my parents had changed and I didn't feel close to them the slightest bit anymore through the following weeks. I can't even count all the times I wept because I thought of you or remembered something you had told me with that smile of yours. I was on the edge of becoming insane.

I started smoking too.

Just because I knew you had smoked. Even if you never smoked in front of me after the first time we met. My mother disapproved, but I didn't listen to her. It became a bad habit.

I partied too. How often would I not wake up with a blasting headache and a bad taste in my mouth. But I never showed interest in anyone else, male or female, despite all the people that hit on me. I ignored them and continued to wallow in my own pain.

It continued like that for months without end.

Things eventually calmed down. In fact, I started writing in order not to go out of my mind. It helped a bit.

It has been two and a half years since you died.

I'm legal of age now. I still live with my parents. They don't want me to move out yet and I'm in no hurry to find my own place. I can live with that.

It's cold tonight too.

I'm standing here by the ocean, in the same place that I met you. I come here often now, sometimes just to remember your face or to admire the view. Other times for no reason at all. My fingers are twitching inside my pockets. Too long since I had my last smoke. Maybe five hours or so. Feels like days though. I fish out a cigarette from my pocket and light it.

It's peaceful to just stand here and have a smoke. There is something unique about it. I can certainly understand why you used to come here. I wonder, did you use to stand here and smoke your cigarettes too? I can picture that in my mind just perfectly.

The cigarette between your lips as you draw your breath.

“Hey Mister”

I turn my head. It's a boy. Maybe fifteen years old, if I am to take a guess.

“Smoking kills you know”, he says with a smile and leans on the railing beside me.

I stare at him. Those words...That's almost exactly what I told you back then.

“I know”

“Then you shouldn't smoke”

He's a pretty kid. His hair looks black to me, black and soft and cut short just beneath his small ears. His nose is perfect, a cute little nose. And his eyes...They are blue. Blue and brilliant.

“People tell me so”

“Why don't you take their advise?”

“I don't feel like it”

He laughs. It's a soft laugh. It sounds good.

“The ocean looks beautiful from here you know”

“I know”

“You're kind of cool. What's your name?”

I toss away my cigarette and stomp it with my foot.

“Maion”

“Maion? That's a weird name...I'm Elian!”

It seems that it's true, history does repeat itself. I just wish you were here so it wouldn't have to, Lukas.

“Are you busy tonight? You see, I want to take pictures but I don't want to do it alone”

He reminds me of you. So energetic.

“Sure”, I tell him.

He smiles and fishes out a camera from one of the pocket on his jacket. I come along without protesting when he grabs my arm.

I'll love you forever, Lukas.

Yours sincerly, Kanilla