This is not the first story featuring these characters... And as exemplified by this chapter, nor is it the best. However, the first few stories got royally screwed over when I converted my hard drive, and need heavy fixing up, as they are filled with lame tags that have nothing to do with nothing. This first part may be enough to amuse the more feable minded of people. Like me. An introduction to this series goes something like this: Autistic children have adventures. If you are offended by this concept... Then I am sorry.

Part 1/???:

My name is Tarquin and you bet you know my name. Anyways, that's the problem... Or not the problem. My friends and I were rescuing a daughter one day from an abandoned chemical shaft, and then we fell in, but pushed the daughter up. We were like

"ARGH!" and it was all smelly and dirty, and full of radioactive green enemies of the pore.

We climbed up the wall, and Eugene was rubbing it on my pants and I was like

"STOP IT EUGENE!" and he was like "NO! MY HANDS CAN'T EVEN GRIP!" and I was like

"BUT NOW MY PANTS'LL GET GREASY AND SLIP, AND MY PANTS'LL FALL OFF!" and he was like

"YOUR LOGIC IS A PHALLACY!" but he's a pervert.

We made it out, and the daughter was already gone. Derrick was upset the most, because he was going to take her home and put her in a cage and feed her carrots and gum drops so she would crap out gold. Derrick is my favourite alchemist ever.

We were like

"That goop was almost solid!" and I was like

"Maybe I'll become the Laser King", and Eugene was like

"DREAM ON GOOPY PANTS!" and I got upset and threw him back in and he started crying, and I was like

"CAN'T LET YOU GET OUT!" and he was yelling really loud and Derrick ran away to find his daughter, and Eugene started choking on his tears so I let him out and hit him on the back and sat on him so he wouldn't choke anymore, because nothing could get in his lungs.

Eugene told me we could go to his place for tea, and I said yes, because I had schemes up my pants. So we went to Eugene's house and he set up tea in the garden, and I was fiddling with my collar so I could like a mad scientist and scare him, and he came back and I wasn't done and my shirt was off, so I scribbled sharpie on my stomache and told him I had chest hair.

We started drinking tea, and he was like

"Master Tarquin. What are we ever going to do about this great foe in Ranchton?" and I was like

"Where's Ranchton?" and it turns out we live there.

All of a sudden I realized we were drinking tea, and I knocked all the cups in his face and they broke and they cut his face open and he was crying and his mom came and my chair broke and I hit my head but there was a bear standing in the hedge, and I saw it with my own eyes.

And there was a bear in the bush, and it was standing there, and I was like

"OH NO! A BEAR!" and Eugene's mom started hitting me, and Eugene had to go to the hospital, and I got like, 15 cuts on my leg from his mom, and my mom grounded me, and my dogs made out on the floor.