Winter

“Oy, Mina! C’mere, I need your opinion on this…”

I sigh, but oblige and head on over. The man’s taken to cooking something new and different every day, and it doesn’t help that he also constantly watches cooking channels. I admit, he’s a good cook, but still. As I enter the kitchen, I take a gander at his latest creation: fried lobster legs with mayo-ketchup dip and Chinese rice. Wonder why Chinese rice though…

“Dinner’s ready, so you’re gonna serve yourself some of this and tell me if it tastes any good.”

“Paul…I’m not hungry…”

“EAT IT.”

Gulp. “Okay okay, no need to threaten me.” I serve myself a bit of the rice and a couple of the lobster legs. Dipping one of them into the mayo-ketchup sauce, I take a bite cautiously and munch. And munch. And now I munch for munching’s sake, because I like to see Paul all slightly nervous, as if he’s cooking for royalty.

And, as usual, it’s delicious.

“It’s perfectly delectable, Mr. Chef of mine. Satisfied?”

He smiles, relieved. I don’t know why…he cooks more or less perfect each time.

“Not till you clear your plate.”

“Always a catch with you…”

I turn towards the window. I’m kinda glad me and Paul got this huge studio apartment to ourselves. Not only do we have the cash to pay for it, but, considering we don’t look our age at all, it’s like we’re still a couple of young kids. Sadly, our own kids come in every week or so, so we’re then reminded that we’re not twenty-something anymore. Still, it’s all pretty good. Paul spends his days getting new bands up and running as a producer for our old label, and I give singing lessons at the city’s music conservatory. And we still like getting drunk on weekends.

Whenever the kids come over, we also get to see our grandkids. So far, there’re five of them, and they already look up to their rock and roll grandparents. Each one insists that they’re all going to form a band when they’re older and become world-famous. They’re so determined that I completely believe them. Sammy and Alex tell me they’re also pretty talented in music already. I’d like to hope that I’ll still be alive to give these kids some of my guidance. I also want to hear their music, what it’ll sound like and what they’ll sound like. It’s something to look forward to.

Life is peaceful, and I like it. This is the way I want to be at this age. Everyone’s happy, and we’re happy, what more could we ask for?

“Hey Paul, where’d you get the recipe for this?”

“I got it from-” He stops midsentence. I wonder if he forgot already.

“From…?” No answer. I turn around now. Paul’s sprawled on the floor, near motionless.

“PAUL!”

It’s unbearable loneliness, to do normal, day-to-day things now that he’s no longer here. Waking up in the mornings and remembering he’s no longer here. Making breakfast and tasting the food, only to realize that it’s not his cooking. Cleaning, reading, writing, playing guitar, taking care of grandkids, lying down, drifting off to sleep…all of it is marked so heavily by his absence. I have nothing to measure up to. I don’t have him here to share my time with. I have reminders here and there. His guitar still sits in a corner of my room, untouched. I can still smell his cologne in pieces of his clothing. I can listen to his voice on our CDs, as comforting and as beautiful as always.

But…he’s not here. No thoughts, no wishes, no memories of him, no matter how strong and no matter how vivid, will bring him back. He’s left me behind here. No matter how many times I dream of him, he’s not going to be next to me when I wake up.

I’ve been left behind again.

What hurts more? Leaving? Or being left behind?

I hate being left behind. I hate to be forgotten. It means that I wasn’t important. It means that all that time spent was time lost for no reason.

No, don’t go! I’d yell out. But too late, he’s already gone. He didn’t even give me a side glance. If not for his music, his voice would’ve already left me. If not for pictures, I would’ve already forgotten his face. If not for all those years we’d spent together, my memories of him would no longer have any meaning.

His presence isn’t the only thing I occupy myself with. Jesse comes over sometimes to bring me out of the house with Alexi. Sammy, Alex, and their significant others come by every day, and I take care of their kids during the day. They’re a handful, but they keep me busy. They keep me sane. They make me happy.

But it’s just not enough. As hard as I try, I can still feel something inside of me change. A part of me is slowly dying. No, it’s not just a part of me. I am dying.

Am I just weak maybe, for not being able to go on alone?

It’s like I’m walking in a living daydream sometimes. I’ll think that maybe I’m just imagining all this, and that sooner or later Paul will be snapping his fingers in front of my face and it’ll all be okay again. He’ll be saying something like, hey Mina, what’re you day-dreaming about? And I’d say, nothing, I was just imagining life without you. But then it doesn’t happen. And I realize that I’m only imagining that Paul’s there.

Mina, he’s gone…please let go. I can’t let go. No, actually, I guess I could let go. I am letting go, in a way. It’s just that I don’t want to let go. What’s wrong with that? Why should I let go of this one man? I loved him, I cared about him, I listened to him, I made love to him, I cried on his shoulder when I needed him, and it’s only he who saw the real side of me.

Some days though, the days I’m not sad or displaying illusions of other emotions, I’ll be angry. Not at him…I’d be angry at myself. I’ve been leaning on him so long that it’s hard for me to stand on my own. It’s not that I can’t do it…I just don’t want to. And I know that he’d be pissed at me for feeling like this. Well, what do you want from me? So what if I want to lean on you, so what if I don’t feel like standing all on my own?

I’m dreaming of him again, and I’m yelling at him. I’m swearing and kicking and punching. Goddamn you, why did you have to leave me behind, what’d I do to deserve this? I wasn’t perfect, I fucked up, I admit it. But weren’t perfect either, you fucked up too, damn you. I’m tired of standing on my own, and I don’t want to do it anymore. I wanted to have you to lean on. Guess you couldn’t be bothered to stay though.

“Mina, me and the kids’re taking off,” says Sam. “It’s late anyway.”

I nod. Most of the family’s been over here all day, since it was my birthday. One big birthday bash, and I’ll have to admit, it was pretty fun.

“Hey, thanks for the party. I had a good time.”

He nods. “A birthday’s a birthday, doncha think Mom?”

“Yeah…”

And I know he knows what I’m thinking. The most important person was missing, but that couldn’t be helped at all.

“Well, goodnight Mom.”

“Goodnight Sammy, hun.”

And finally, Sammy and his kids are gone, and I’m left to sink into back into my silence again. The silence is now decorated with stars here and there, and as usual, is constantly permeated with Paul’s absence.

I look at myself in the mirror. The years are finally starting to catch up to me. They’re starting to show in my face. I let my hair go back to being all wavy and messy, and its deep brown has flecks here and there of gray, and it’s long, going past my waist. I have no noticeable wrinkles, but the lines around the corner of my eyes and the corners of my lips are slowly becoming more noticeable, and there are bags under my eyes, though they fit my face overall more than it does detract from it. My hands are showing my age faster than my face though, but I don’t mind. I use my hands a lot anyway.

It’s late. I’m tired. I’m always tired nowadays. I just want to slip back to sleep, my one refuge. It’s the place where reality and fantasy merge endlessly, till I can no longer tell one from the other. It’s my forgetting, it’s my new lover. At least when sleep leaves me it comes back after awhile. It’s never gone forever.

“Hey Mina! Up and at ‘em, we’ve got a show to put on in about an hour.” I wake up with a start. Paul’s around getting dressed and fixing his hair. He likes making it look purposefully messy and spiky. Wait, a show? I don’t seem to remember us having a show to put on tonight.

“Mina…did you forget again?” He kisses me on forehead lightly. “You’ve been overworking yourself lately, I honestly wish you wouldn’t push yourself so hard. It’s okay if you let a couple things like every now and then you know…” He smiles at me and gets back to his hair. “Now, get dressed.”

I start getting up, but I’m still confused. I have no idea what’s going on. Why am I here? I thought I was…and wasn’t he…this is all a bit too much for me. I don’t really get it. I glance at myself in the mirror, standing next to Paul. I’m in my middle twenties, or so I look.

“Paul…um, okay, you’re going to think I’m a little crazy or something…”

He laughs a little. “Mina, when haven’t I thought you were crazy?”

“Yeah I know, but still. I mean, maybe all that was a dream.”

He finishes with his hair finally, and admires his handiwork. “Hmm? What’d you dream?”

“No…I dreamt that I was fifty-something, celebrating my birthday…only without you. You’d already died…It was a sad dream. I didn’t want you to go and you did anyway…”

Putting and arm around my shoulders, he looks at me, smiling slightly. “Hey, it was just a dream anyway. I’m still right here, and it’ll stay that way for a few years. ‘Sides, if I’m not here, who’s gonna bring out the awesome?” I start to laugh myself. “Buuuuut…just remember something.” Now, he’s resting his two hands on my shoulders.

I look up.

It’s that same look, the same one, always that one. The one he would sometimes let slip when we were kids, the one he finally told me he liked me, the one he gave me that rainy night when he finally found out…that one look, always for me.

“Even when I’m gone…”

His hand strokes my cheek slowly, softly.

“Even if I leave this life before you do…”

His other hand wanders down my back, slowly, carefully.

“Even if I leave you behind…”

My own hands are clasped to his chest. I don’t want to let go, not now, not ever. I want to always hold on.

Even if…what?

I look down at Jesse. He’s steadying himself on his bike, still a little unsure. It was only recently that I finally managed to teach him how to ride one, but he’s not quite ready to ride on his own.

“Jesse, you sure you’ll be okay?”

He nods. “Yeah, I’ll be just fine.” The determined look on his face is so cute. I guess I’ve gotta let him try. “Besides, I can’t rely on you forever, Mina.”

I know you can’t. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t lean on me when you need it. That’s what big sisters are for.

“Yeah, I know, kid. But that isn’t really gonna stop me from trying to help you.”

“It’s okay. I can ride this thing on my own now.”

And pretty soon, you’ll be able to stand on your own too, tall and able to walk when you need to.

Always that look, always…

“Hmm,” I say, sipping this coffee, “this ain’t half bad Yumi. Actually, it’s great. Did you make this yourself?”

She smiles, nodding. “Yep, for our café exclusively. I figured I may as well try something new.” I have no idea what’s in this, but it’s good.

“Well, glad the experiment turned out to be a success. You seriously have a knack for this.” That’s not the most important thing about this drink though. The most important part is that she’s trying something new and different. It’s what I was always trying to tell her. Do other things, try other things. The greatest thing about this life is the fact that we constantly have that opportunity. Even if it’s something as small as making a new coffee drink, if you have the chance, just go for it.

“I just wanted to try doing something different for once. Making the same drinks over and over is tiring, know what I mean?”

Well, I don’t know about making drinks, since I haven’t the slightest clue how, but I know what you mean about doing the same things over and over.

“’Course I do, Yumi. After all, I am at constant war with the mundane. You know that.”

She laughs. “Yeah, shoulda known better before asking.” Taking a sip from her own drink, she says thoughtfully, “Besides, people always like to break away from the ordinary and the mundane every now and then.” That’s the way my whole life has been. And that’s the way I wanted it.

Do you still remember?

“Dane! What did you do? While I was DRUNK?”

He’s backing away a little, slightly scared of my anger now. “Look, I was drunk too, I wasn’t sure about-”

“YES YOU WERE! Even if you were drunk, you knew perfectly well what was happening! And you LET it happen! Because that’s what you wanted!” No Dane, I don’t love you. I’ll never come to love you, ever. You’re not the one I want.

“Yeah, but…look, maybe he won’t find out.”

I shake my head. “No, he will find out, because I’m going to tell him.” I’m not going to hide this from him. I should’ve been more careful and not let this happen anyway, but I’m not going to run and hide. And I’m not going to let Dane have me. I put on my shirt and turn to the door.

He grabs my wrist. “Mina, look-”

“Let go of me. I won’t ever love you the way you love me. So give up and start loving your wife instead.”

I snap my wrist away from his grasp. Love might be complicated and it might not be eternal, but right here and right now, I love Paul and no one else. You can’t change that Dane. And a night of accidental sex that I can’t even remember won’t change it either.

“See you later.” I leave.

“Everything in life’s already happened, Mina. So don’t worry your cute lil’ head about it. If it happens, it’s because it’s happened already and that’s what’s meant to be. All you can do is ride out the wind of life, and see where it is it wants to take you. If you don’t think too much about it, the ride can be mighty enjoyable.”

Yeah, I still remember.

“I’ll be waiting till you can catch up to me. And anyway, why would I leave you behind forever? It’d take more than that fucker Death to drag me away from you.”

I laugh again. That’s my Paul, defiant and center-stage, as always. I don’t doubt he’d actually fight Death one on one when the time came.

And yet…he fought Death and lost. Of course he’d lose. Against the two make-or-breakers, Life and Death, there is no winning or losing by our terms. After all, the two of them love each other more than they will ever love us. And that’s why Paul was finally dragged away, and that’s why he’s left me behind.

But then again…he said he’d be waiting for me, till I could catch up. That means he might be waiting for me now. Yeah, he is waiting for me, patiently, with that casually arrogant smile, as always. And when I finally reach him, he’ll be there, asking me what took so long. I’m sorry Paul. I guess my time hadn’t come just yet up till now. I hated that you left me behind you know. But then I remembered what Grandpa told me once, that everything that happens has already come to pass. And I remembered you told me once you’d be waiting for me.

Did I know? Yes, of course I did. It’s the one thing I could never forget.

Thanks for waiting. I’m finally here.

The end.