Hi. I overheard small bits of a very strange conversation and decided to base a story off it. All names have been changed to protect the insane.

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Dear Danny,

I love you. Marry me or I will stalk you and kill any women who dares to try and woo you. Then I will kill you and marry your corpse.

Love,

Psychotic Bitch

“Mason!”

“What? You said you wanted me to write your love letter for you. I’m being truthful.”

“That’s not truthful! I am offended that you would think I would do that to Danny! What we have is real and I’ll kill anyone who says otherwise!”

“…”

“Okay, so it’s a bit truthful…but still! Try and make me not sound like a lunatic.”

“You really do want me to lie, don’t you?”

Dear Hot Ass,

Rip my clothes off, you wild animal. You are so damn sexy. Meow.

Love,

Your Sexy Admirer

“NO! Now I sound like a slut! A stupid slut! Do it right!”

“Look, if you want it done right, do it yourself.”

“I can’t do it myself, because I suck a writing. You are better at it than me. Plus I’m lazy and I hate typing. Thus, you type it.”

“Hee hee. ‘Thus’.”

“What the hell is funny about ‘thus’?”

“I don’t know. It just makes me giggle.”

“Thus.”

“Tee hee.”

“That’s weird…”

“Hey, you used to think the word ‘bouncer’ meant someone with big boobs. You’re just as screwed up as me.”

“Am not. And don’t call them boobs. That’s vulgar. Call them ‘magnificent orbs of womanly goodness’.”

“My God, I hope you’re kidding.”

“Do you think I’m kidding?”

“If I say yes, will you drop this entire, slightly disturbing, matter?”

“No.”

“ Can I go now?”

“No. Write it right.”

Dear Danny,

You don’t know me. You never really took the time to notice me. But I noticed you. Everyday in science, I watch you. Everyday in science, you don’t look at me. Not once. Maybe someday you will. Cause if you don’t I’ll kill you.

Your Secret Admirer

“Damnit Mason! That’s it! Write one more letter and if there is any mention of sex or death, I will bet you to death with your own damned arm! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?!”

“Ow!"

"I said, do I make myself clear?!"

"You hit me with a shoe!"

"Write!"

"Shoe!"

"WRITE RIGHT NOW OR I WILL TELL EVERYONE ABOUT THE TIME YOU TRIED TO EAT GLUE!

Dear Danny,

I like you. You’re cool. I hope that we might become more than friends. Would you like to go with me to the movies on Saturday?

Sincerely,

Jeanne

“There! Are you happy, you obsessed bitch?”

“Yup! I’ll put it in his locker now. You rock, Mason.”

“Jeanne?”

“Yes?”

“You’re insane.”

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