Snow

When had it happened?

It had snuck up on me when I wasn’t looking… when I was too preoccupied with the rest of my life to notice that something was going horribly wrong. No one else could see it. They couldn’t tell what was happening because I had left the mask on for too long. It had become a part of me no one could erase… not even myself.

They can’t tell if it’s really me… or some reflection of someone I’d like to be.

You’re the first person who’s ever talked with me about my emotions…

I can’t tell if it’s really me… or some reflection of someone I’d like to be.

They can’t separate who I am, from who I seem.

But I can.

I’m a fake. I lie, I cheat, I run away from every good thing in my life, and for what? I run and run, seemingly far away into the nothingness that shrouds the outside world and veils its secrets to leave me in the forsaken dark corners of the world… and what do I discover?

That I’m running in circles.

I haven’t realized till now… that loneliness is the worst pain.

It’s horrible isn’t it? I stand in the middle of a crowded room full of beautiful, smiling faces. They wave to me, ask me how I am. And when they’re ready to leave, to go where they need to be, they hug me, maybe kiss me on the cheek before they leave. Then they step through the threshold that separates me from the rest of the world, and they walk out of my life, leaving me behind to wonder whether I should run after them, or stay.

Have you ever stood in the middle of a crowded room full of lively, wonderful people, who sincerely want to get to know you? They talk to you and laugh with you, and you share a few choice jokes with them so there’s no ice left to break. But somehow (and in the back of your mind you know they realize it too), you’re not really friends. You put up an invisible, impenetrable wall that no one can cross. You pick and choose the friends you want to let inside the wall, and only later on do you realize that there’s no one in there, not really.

You’re so cold…

My heart is full of merciless logic. It’s practical, separating every task into manageable pieces so that I don’t get overwhelmed by everything I have to do, everything I must be, and everything I think I am. It’s compartmentalized for strict efficiency, leaving no room for the warmth of the sun.

Emotion is weakness.

Love is a farce.

Apathy is all.

The wall that surrounds my heart is pure grey stone, still as clean and shiny as the first day I put it up. The stones are rectangular prisms that fit perfectly into each other, and if you stand back far enough, you’ll practically see them all meld into a single grey mass. There are no doors… no way in or out. The only structure inside my heart is a lone tower that stands higher than the walls, so I can look outside and see the world around me without participating in its joys.

I don’t want to look.

It hurts to look.

It hurts when I see everyone let loose and have fun, while I stand in the corner and smile every so often. It hurts to feel so singular in a crowded room. It hurts to believe, and not want to believe, in everyone’s false sincerity. It hurts when I can’t connect with someone not because they don’t like me, but because of this wall.

This damn, stupid wall that no one can breach, no one can attack, no one can see.

This damn, stupid wall that I built around my heart.

I fall apart from the inside.

But I can’t let anyone see me in this tower. I put on the mask that hides the walls, the tower, everything, so that it looks as if the blue sky will go on forever, eternal unto itself. This mask of invisibility that prevents anyone from seeing my pain.

I must be happy.

I’m already so lucky. How can I not be happy?

I have no right to be unhappy.

You’re so cold… like snow…

As long as no one touches the wall, I’m safe. I can chain myself to my pain, and when these walls crumble, I will go down with it, because I have built this prison. I only have myself to blame. I will fall, and no one need go with me.

No one can touch it. No one shall ever touch it. Tiny, darker shades of grey show where the stone was once weak… and those patches of cold, hard rock have been strengthened. No one must see. No one must realize.

It’s okay to show how you really feel.

But I feel happy. Really, I’m okay! I’m happy, because I’m so lucky!

You’re so logical. So analytical.

It’s how I survive. It’s how I get through every day without breaking down. But wait… you weren’t supposed to hear that…

I don’t want you crumble. I don’t want you to fall.

No! Don’t touch that! Stop reaching out your hand to me as if I need your help, because I don’t! I’m happy – can’t you be satisfied with that? Stop prying into what you don’t know. I’ve decided my fate – now let me live and die with it!

What the hell did I say?! Stop tou-

So cold.

You’re so cold… like snow…

He felt it then. He touched the stone and brought doom upon himself. I have to run farther and farther, harder and harder, deep into the bowels of the tower. No one can come with me. No one can share this pain. This loneliness is something I must bear, and God so help me, it’s something only I can overcome.

Don’t come any closer!

Don’t be afraid.

There is a light to your darkness.

Let me be your light.

NO!

I have to depend on myself. One day, you’ll go away. You’ll run away from me because I’m so fake – I lie, I cheat, everything good runs away from me, and I run from them. I don’t deserve them. Don’t you realize I’m bad? I’m evil? I don’t deserve to be happy!

Let me hold you. Let me wipe away your pain.

You’ll go away, just like everyone else. They all do, eventually. But you – you have to run NOW. I can’t let you stay. I can’t let you hate me. I want you to run, and never look back, because remembering my lie and my falsely smiling face will be easier to deal with. You can deal with my false laughs and insincere thoughts. I can deal with being distant and secretive, with never being really there when you need me to be. I can deal with having you on the other side of my wall, the other side of the cold, grey stone that will someday fall in upon itself and bring me with it. I can deal with seeing you from the tower while you laugh and smile at someone else. I can deal with seeing you happy with someone else.

So I’ll bring you pain, and end this charade.

Don’t shut me out…

This everlasting cosmic joke that I can be happy. That happily-ever-after exists.

Don’t shut me out!

You can’t save me.

You’re so cold… like snow…

No one can.