(Happily Ever) After High School

"Don't change." That's what they all keep saying. "Don't change, man. Stay the way you are."

What kind of request is that? That's like asking me to time travel or to part the Red Sea.

What, am I supposed to have myself cryogenically frozen or something? Should I go find a shotgun, maybe blow the back of my head off like some lid? Maybe then I could stay the same. But anything else...I just can't make that kind of promise. Why ask that of me? Was I presumptuous enough to ask that of any of you?

...I'm sorry. I know you mean well by it. Besides, you probably don't even realize the meaning behind those words. That quick, "see you later, or, oops, maybe I won't, or, hey, maybe when I do I'll be a completely different person" goodbye. I know, I know. You mean well.

But meaning well...really, what's the point? Doesn't anyone get it yet? This might be the last time. No more weekend drinking. No more late night cruises. No more laughs. No more drama (as much as you might think you wouldn't, you'd miss it). No more being so close we might as well be brothers. No more stupid movies at the cheap seats. No more running out of the mall after stealing something for a stupid thrill. No more kissing that girl you had a crush on for a whole fucking year finally on the last night of summer vacation. No more Halloween parties. No more walking down the streets in the dead of night, telling each other what you want to do with your life. No more anything. Not with you.

It's bullshit. Our whole lives we've lived here, gotten close, become like family, and now...now, it's all falling apart and none of us even see it. Something that took so long to get through, so long to make, and it's undone so quickly. Our whole lives was just a dream. This suburban-made, trademarked thing called "growing up" is just a fairy tale.

And what do they give us, as some kind of sad attempt to apologize? Cap and gown

and diploma. Scholarship or two, maybe, if you're one of those really lucky ones. And a great big send-off, like any of it mattered, like our eighteen years in this little nothing of a town that's near all these famous places and yet nobody's heard of was any kind of big deal. We play along with big naive smiles, thinking we've come so goddamn far, that we've grown so much, when we're really barely out of the communal womb. Still suckling and holding firmly on the teat of familiarity.

And they let us go, too. All too eager to see us off, have us deal with our own problems, have us fight off our own disillusion. This is what passes for growing up, this is the modern coming-of-age. The American Rite of Passage.

Go ahead. Tell me what you want to do with your life. I'll bet you're fucking clueless. They say that's alright. That a lot of kids don't know what they want to do when they're older. You know what I say? I say fuck that. Sure, I'm open to 'self-discovery' and 'growing' and 'meeting new people, doing new things' and all that bullshit the school counselor will tell you, but when it really gets down to the bone, the fact is none of us know. Not really.

That's the way of things. That's what's normal. But it's not normal, for that to be normal. Not to me, anyway. I'm not saying we have to have a fucking five-year plan or anything, but not knowing where we're going isn't about what career we'll have, it's about who are we going to be? It's about just what the fuck are we supposed to do now? And I'm not all that sure people realize just how lost we feel.

The leashes are off, the doors are unlocked, our eyes are open and we have no idea where to go. Suddenly we're out in the Big Wide World and itty bitty us, we're scared shitless that we won't do anything of value. That what we do and what we've done will be as pointless as high school felt (or was or is, depending on your point of view). No one wants to be a no one.

I don't know. Is it just me? Yeah, I know that drill, too. "Oh, everyone feels like that growing up," they say. Yeah? Well, thanks. Like that helps me a hell of a lot. Besides, ever look at the people who say those kind of things to you? Would you want to be them?

Bottom line, moral of the story, blah blah blah, the point of it all; there's something wrong about this empty what now? feeling we've all got, something really, really wrong. What might fix it, I don't know. Growing up? I'm starting to wonder if growing up ever actually ends.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go out into the world on my own. No cell phone. No e-mail. No Mommy, Daddy, Teacher, or Big Bro. I've spent enough time in the middle of Nowhere, U.S.A. I think I'll have some fun standing infront of a crossroad or two. Whatever happens after that, who cares? I don't want to waste time trying to figure it all out now. I'm fine with riding the wind, living in the moment. Really, it's like they say; "enjoy it while it lasts". Or maybe "no time like the present". If you ask me, I say we've thrown enough of our youth away worrying about all this "growing up" stuff.

Don't you think?