It's just me

I met this guy back in middle school. He was one of those violent ones. He had Jet-black hair, gently swaying across his face. Blue green eyes; they squinted when he was serious or angry, even aroused. He was a tall boy, and had muscles to show forth. I’ll admit it… I was in love with him. I really didn’t know him, but the way he made me feel was just vulnerable. I mean he made my body tremble, and my fingers shake. I’m not talking about that newspaper, society shit, where they say, “Oh, I’m weak in the knees.” This was love. (Entirely)… It’s funny how I seem to write about him every now and then. I’m a freshman in college, majoring in photography. I used to create paintings… but that kind of died with me somewhere along the way. So I just snap images into passion.

…A while ago I saw this guy pass by. He was really cute. I think he’s sitting by that tree over there, the one with lavender blossoms. That kind of made me smile, but I guess it’s fine if I’m lonely. …He really looks familiar, possibly an exchange student I bet. Oh well… it doesn’t really matter, it’s not like I should care or anything. I must be going crazy. My breathing is going erratic. I can barely breathe, or feel numbness in my legs. (Fuck…) I guess I’ll just sit here. It’s just a little dark, and no one is waiting for me…

…I found myself lying in the grass, across from Siepher’s Lake. This college “Meikoshi”, owned every inch of it. It was beautiful at night. The art club here added these neon pot lights for a more romantical essence. It felt magical… at least to me anyway. But I lied there and left my gaze into the light clouds passing across the moon. … I really did miss him. This atmosphere has me thinking about him so much lately. He’s constantly in my mind and in my heart. I hate it… I really do. The damn thing wasn’t even a crush…. I know…and I… I wish it would go away. It’s not fair how his face haunts my dreams. And tears at all the pieces of my heart. …The guy doesn’t even know that I exist. It’s useless… I’m useless. And I wish I could stop caring, because he’ll never want or need me. …I hate him!