Lonely

I’m not alone. Am I alone? There are so many different kinds of alone. Tonight’s one of them. But I’m feeling a different one right now. There’s just something here that’s, well, not lonely. Standing out here, watching the city lights hold still while my mind cannot, I can’t help but feel a little surrounded. But not tonight.

I’m never alone because I know I never will be alone. I am with my family because I will be with my family. When I think of the people I will never see again, never be with again, I feel alone. For so long I’ve known in the back of my mind that I was alone, but it didn’t matter. I was surrounded by people I would see again, and that was enough. That was enough…

Things aren’t that way any more. I chain-met friends for so long, I managed to forget about the end. Now I’m alone. I’m away from so many more people than ever before, and each one leaves just enough memory to hurt. So I came here. Obviously.

But really, I don’t come here to wallow in the hurt, I come here to ride it out. The stars give me a strength I just can’t ignore. How? because they’re there! Every single one of them is like a brother to me, put there just for me. Even when I’m alone, I’m not really alone. There is no one on the globe that I can’t see again. It just feels that way sometimes. Lots of things “just feel that way sometimes.” There is a whole world out there full of people, and I’m going to know as many of them as I possibly can.

There is nothing as certain as the fact that I will never meet some people again, but it is also certain that I will never stop trying. And that is a world of certainties I can live with. Besides, this isn’t the end of the chain, it’s just a gap. Life’s full of gaps; that’s why they make stars and hilltops and trees and paper and pencil. There’ll be new links in the chain, and I’ll be the link that connects them to the old ones. There never really will be a time when I’ll never be with friends again. There never really will be a time when I have to be alone like that…

…and that’s good enough for me.