Rattling Brain

I'm so afraid I'll become one of those women one day
The kind who can't take care themselves and always run away
My heart belongs to you, but my soul is dying fast
I can't stand to be alone...
and yet alone is all I have

To you, I am but beauty, grace, and glam
I have all the things a girl could wish for and yet I act like I am forever damned
I want to be a rockstar, I want to live in the limelight of fans
It's so superficial...and yet it's what I demand

I can just feel my insecurities washing over me
as I think about all the shallow things I want out of my life
What's so important about fame? Fortune? Money? Clothes?
I can feel my heart crumbling to pieces as I try to take control...

And when it rains outside, I can't help but stop and stare
I like to pretend I am a part of it...like I am not really here but there
I always end up falling asleep around the crack of dawn
When my spirit just feels so tired that it's just somehow, mystically, gone

And when I can no longer feel the emptiness...
And when I can no longer feel the pain...
And when I can no longer feel the tiredness...
Or the rattling of my brain...

And when I can no longer feel the moods showering through my spine
And when I can no longer hear the words that were always so very unkind
And when I can finally, finally just let myself go...
When I can finally spin shapes the world doesn't need understand or know

Those days will come though they may seem far
And one of these days, I will go back to playing my guitar
And remembering the real reason music always struck a chord in me
remembering why I love strange necessities, like having you, a voice...
and my chance to be

-CLeslie

July 11, 2005