Blank Tombstone

22 June 2006

Life… I look at the graveyard spread out in front of me. The brisk air is a bit chilly, but I don’t mind. It usually helps to refresh me a bit. However, my thoughts are on entirely different matters. I still remember when this all started, and I still reflect on that faraway day on which my life had changed so much…

9 December 2005

I inhaled deeply as I cycled. The wind was tossing my shoulder-length brown hair around, caressing my cheek…and stealing my breath from me. The usual light breeze that accompanied my short journey to school was no longer gentle, it felt more like a tornado. Grey-blue eyes squinted against the howling gusts, I continued my actions. The sky was a baby blue, marred by dark grey streaks of clouds here and there. I smiled to myself only slightly as a three-story building appeared in my line of sight. The school… A large building housing many familiar faces, some to my dismay and some to my relief. Like any other school, it bore a rather blank and neutral atmosphere, seeing as school buildings were hardly - if ever - decorated for a holiday.

Today would be just a normal day, like almost every other day in my life. At least, that’s how the day looked like. There was a storm brewing not too far away, and that explained the wind gusts. But if I’d known what would happen that day, I would’ve stayed at home for sure.

Once inside, I walked over and sat down on the ground, greeting some of my friends as they noticed my presence. Though, they didn’t say much back. I frowned but dismissed the matter. It was often that I didn’t receive much greetings when they were already deeply immersed in a conversation of their own. I was wearing blue jeans (like I always did), a white T-Shirt and a turquoise jacket over it. basically, I didn’t care much about how it looked; the point and priority was the fact that I needed clothing, and I liked the feel of these. Fashion hardly meant anything to me.

The bell rang five minutes later and I swiftly got up, slung my bag over my shoulders, and headed off towards the staircases. Biology was up first… Already I was mentally preparing myself for a tidal wave of information, speedily yet carefully told by our Biology teacher. He was a nice man, though seeing as lots of the teachers took a liking to me quickly I supposed it was partially because I was a good student. I went up two stories, emerging into the hallway in front of the classroom. The teacher was already inside.

I silently sat on my designated spot, and so did the others after coming in after me. However, I did notice there was something different… While usually being a continuous annoyance to our teachers because of their talking, they were now quiet. It was almost like their cheery spirits had been subdued by something grave. I frowned, but diverted my attention away from my fellow students and concentrated on the words our teacher had to say instead. After all, a big Biology test was coming up, and the least I wanted was to get a low grade.

About halfway into the class, I was surprised when there was a soft, interrupting knock on the door.

“Come in.” our teacher hailed casually. It were probably just a few students who were coming to get something for their own class, I concluded. The strangest thing was that no one, not even the teacher, seemed to share my thoughts. And they didn’t.

My eyes widened slightly as two adult men in blue uniforms made their entrance. That, along with their badges and equipment, was enough to get me curious. Curious and a bit puzzled. What were police officers doing here? Their gazes rested on me almost instantly.

“Can we have a word with you?” the one on the right asked. Though, I figured it was more of an order instead of a question.

I nodded, obediently rising. As I followed the two out to the hallway, I briefly glanced back at my class. However, I was unnerved by their eyes. They looked a bit…dull, almost haunted. Judging from their lack of surprise, they’d known these people would come for me today. Was that why they hadn’t talked to me?

“Now, what is it you wanted to talk to me about?” I inquired politely as the three of us stepped out of the classroom.

“We received a rather disturbing phone call yesterday. Something about a certain someone hurting someone else.” the one who’d spoken before began. I frowned in total confusion.

“What does that have to do with me?” As far as I could remember, I hadn’t been a witness of any physical violence, and I was certainly not the one inflicting the wounds. How simple and plain my mind could sometimes get would later surprise me.

“Your name was mentioned.” the other officer clarified sharply, eyeing me with critiquing eyes. I uttered sounds of shock and disbelief.

“What?” I asked incredulously. “I’d never hurt someone!”

“And yet everyone else here states otherwise.” he retorted. I blinked, opening my mouth and closing it again. Me? It couldn’t be.

“Who else was mentioned?” They seemed to grow aggravated.

“No one.”

“But…but…”

“Go home.” the first one ordered sternly. I could only nod in bewilderment.

My home. It was a large house, to say the least. Its size occupied two street numbers instead of one, consisting of a garage, two attics, three rooms used as bedrooms, and the usual household parts like a living room, a kitchen and so on. It wasn’t that extraordinary, I’d always say, though I’d sometimes be proud of it deep inside. I parked my bicycle rather awkwardly. This normal-looking day had grown out into the strangest one in my whole life.

I headed towards the living room and swung the door open…to come face to face with my parents. Their gazes were just as uncaring and monotone as my classmates’, and I mentally shrunk back against their stares. Would they actually believe a vague story about me hurting someone?

“We need to talk.” my mother said heart-wrenchingly soft, and I cringed. This wasn’t right…this wasn’t right at all. She led me to another room, and as soon as the door had been closed her eyes burned into mine.

“Now, what happened? We were phoned at work about you.” I avoided her eyes, gazing at the ground instead.

“It’s not true.”

“Oh?”

“I can’t remember ever hurting a person physically. I have no intention to!” A slightly desperate edge had emerged from my voice, and I winced internally at the sound of my tone. Silence encompassed us for a moment before she slowly spoke.

“Are you expecting me to believe that?” My mouth was agape.

“Would you put your own daughter’s word aside for a policeman’s word?” I countered, fighting back the tears that were starting to sting my eyes.

“In this case…” she paused, and I stared up at her hopefully.

“In this case?”

“… Yes.” My heart sank to the deepest pits of my stomach. This whole thing was just ridiculous.

‘This has to be a nightmare… Just a sickening, horrifying nightmare.’

I continued to clutch onto this thought hopefully, even when the two officers from before entered. I kept hoping I’d wake up soon as one of them cuffed my wrists, as they both started to escort me away. But when we reached the outdoors, something seemed to snap inside of me…

“I didn’t do anything!”

I screamed just at the top of my lungs, struggling vehemently against the bonds that rendered me helpless against the stronger arms holding me in tow. Tears finally fell from my eyes, cries finally replaced jokes fully. Despair continued to overtake me as I was shoved inside a police car, willing to release myself from my seat even though a little voice in my mind told me struggling was futile. It’d only make it worse. And yet because of my human emotions I ceased to listen to my rational side.

16 December 2005

The gentle creaking of a door. The careful pairs of footsteps heading into my direction. I allowed myself to smirk slightly. They didn’t like it when my facial expression was beyond their line of sight. They didn’t like it when I acted unpredictable at the time they were always sent to pick me up. I felt an uneasy hand on my shoulder, but they didn’t do anything else. I allowed a low growl escape from my throat in an experimental manner, and my smile widened when the hand left my shoulder immediately.

‘Serves them right.’ I thought hatefully, anger flaring in my eyes.

It had been one week since I had been taken from my world. This new reality wasn’t a comfortable one, not at all. My room was hardly worth its name. The walls, floor and ceiling were cold and grey concrete, nothing more. All the way up, there was a small hole in the wall sitting opposite of the door. It was probably meant to be a window, and it was my only source of light. Not that any ray ever reached me fully.

I rolled over to face the two sent to get me. They looked edgy and a bit scared. However, the surprise I’d felt when those vacant stares had come my way during class had long since made way for a certain sense of sadness. I narrowed my eyes as one of the men approached me again, this time not succeeding in scaring them off.

They hauled me up by my shoulders carefully and though I attempted to resist them, I found myself unable to due to the white, sturdy fabric enclosing my upper body tightly. I grunted, aggravated, as they led me out of my room and towards a larger room. They seated me on a chair just as another man wearing a long, white coat entered the room through another door, and he adjusted the glasses on his nose in an expertly manner. I refrained from rolling my eyes.

“Good.” he muttered, and then turned his attention to my ‘escorts’. “You may leave now.” The two nodded and did as they were instructed.

This room was just as boring as the one I spent pretty much my entire time in. A large glass mirror hung on the wall to my right, though I knew better than that. I’d seen enough films in the times I was still out there in the real world to realize they were watching me through it. My right eye twitched as I looked at my reflection for a moment. Messy, dishevelled brown hair, nearly lifeless blue irises. A person I’d never wanted to be…originally, anyway.

“And how are you today, miss?” the doctor asked me in the kindest voice he could manage.

I found myself snorting indifferently. Every day, they’d pick me up and bring me here. Every day, this man would walk in and ask me that same question, never once speaking in a different tone than the day before. It disgusted me. And yet it seemed to have some effect on me, I sometimes realized, for I could never truly answer that question properly and I found myself wondering about it more and more at night.

“… I don’t know.” I replied hollowly, eyes trained on the ground at my feet. It was the only reply my mind could conjure up.

The doctor neither nodded nor shook his head. Instead I could simply hear him scribbling something down on a bloc note. It made me cringe internally. They treated me like a test subject. I had no name here, but a number.

After asking me a few other questions, I could see how he motioned to the mirror for me to be taken away, and before long the two from before escorted me back to my confinement. I was to remain there the rest of the day…

8 June 2006

The days were always the same, monotonous and devoid of all emotion. All emotion except for one I felt in particular. My numbness had been replaced by something else the night before, and now I felt no reason to object as I was brought to the other room again. The doctor walked in again in his casual manner. Clearly he excepted today to be like any other time. I smirked inwardly; no, this day would be different. maybe even more different than I’d realized at first.

“And how are you today, miss?” I kept silent for a while before mustering up the courage to express my feelings.

“There’s…an aching in my heart.” I explained slowly, just barely able to hide my surprise for my choice of words. The man’s eyes widened for a moment as he adopted an incredulous composure, nearly causing his glasses to fall off, but he regained his unemotional stance soon after.

“You are homesick?” he helped. Though I felt like shaking my head - mainly because the word ‘homesick’ didn’t relate to my feelings in the slightest - I nodded after a moment of hesitation.

“I…I want to go home…” I pretended to sniff quietly as best as I could.

“Hmm…” Again he scribbled something down, though this time it took him longer.

I found myself cheering internally as I lied on my hard bed later that day. I wasn’t sure my act would get me out right now, but I was bound to be released sooner or later if I kept this façade up. Truthfully, I didn’t feel like ‘going home’ at all. The home they meant was no longer to my liking.

12 June 2006

I looked up as the guards entered my room like they’d done so many times before. They hadn’t visited me the last three days, and it made me curious as to whether they were believing me or not. I was able to hide my mild surprise when they hauled me up and began to remove the constricting clothing from my body. Once they were done, I concealed the glint of success in my eyes by looking down at my hands, flexing my fingers and stretching my arms slowly. I looked on in wonder. I could move all of my limbs freely again. The emotion of happiness was partially not pretended for once, though I was all but oblivious to the men observing me through the little window in my door.

I shifted my gaze back to the two people who had released me, noticing they were still a bit on edge. A small smile elated my face for once, and I watched in delight as both the guards and the doctors left me be. A small hope sprung up inside of me, rearing to be acknowledged. And for once I did.

20 June 2006

Eight days passed me by in respective silence as I waited for the results. I had sometimes noticed the same doctors from before peering at me curiously. No doubt they’d noticed the abrupt change in my behaviour pattern. Over the days I’d grown accustomed to the habit of acting a bit cheerier than earlier, just for the sake of keeping up my mask. That afternoon, I looked up as the steel door swung open with a loud creak. The doctor, the one who’d been observing me for so long, entered my room. Two guards stood at the door to prevent me from escaping, just in case.

As I gazed into the employee’s amber eyes hopefully, he stared back calmly. He stood there for a moment before breaking our eye contact. And as he spoke, I noticed a slight cheer in his voice.

“You have been granted permission to leave. Your parents will be here soon.” I flashed a grateful smile at him, my eyes sparkling. I was getting out… And he clearly was happy to see me go, too. I nearly felt like waving as the three left me to myself a little while longer.

I waited expectantly for about fifteen minutes before he came in again, motioning for me to get up from my bed and follow him out. A guard soon trailed behind me as the doctor led me to an ordinary-looking door. However, I knew there was something special to this one. It was my way out. I could hardly contain my excitement, even as the opening door revealed my waiting parents. I smiled as timid as I could manage as I nodded to the people behind me one last time before heading towards my parental figures.

They spoke no words upon my return, just enveloped me into loving hugs. I hugged back, though not very strong, and a moment later my parents had seated themselves on the front seats while I had the backseat for myself. My relief increased tenfold as we pulled up and the psychological institute disappeared from my line of sight.

As we drove, my mother gazed back at me with a caring expression, a subtle tear rolling down her cheek. I smiled at her in an almost artificial manner, shifting my stare to what was displayed on the other side of the car window as she turned back to the front. Some cows grazed on one lush grass field, and a couple of horses on the other. Small white dots signalled there were sheep in the far distance. Such was the scenery of this part of the country. Though, the admiration in my eyes was no longer truthful. All I could truly think of was my act.

21 June

I stretched. The afternoon sun shone its rays through the large windows at the front and back of our living room. It had been about a day since my release, and it felt good to feel free again. At least, by whatever margin you felt free in an entrapment like this house. My mask hid the discomfort. I had slept in a soft bed the night prior to today, and yet it had felt just as hard and lumpy as the one in the confinement. I didn’t feel at home anymore when I was with other people…all I wanted was to be left alone. And I was determined to get things my way.

The day marched on in silence. My parents and my older sister expressed any and all signs of relief for me being back in their life, but I rarely returned their comments. My old behaviour pattern was returning, this I realized. I needed to get out soon, in case they’d suspect something and send me back. And no place, not even this one, was worse than there.

I lied in my bed restlessly that night, staring up at the ceiling. My aerator blew cold air into my face, cooling me down. The nights were somewhat hot and humid in June, and the need for cool air was high. I glanced at my alarm clock, and read 3.23 AM off it. I sighed to myself quietly, getting up after a moment of hesitation. I’d waited long enough for my taste. Silently I rose from my bed, dressing myself in my standard clothing. I hastily seized my summer coat and left through the front door. I fumbled a bit with the slither before succeeding and walked down the street a bit. No one seemed to be watching me. Smirking to myself in triumph, I headed down further. I needed to get away as much as possible before morning fell.

22 June

My gaze is fixed on the slab of stone in front of me. The land around is lush, adorned with trees bearing leaves of a pure forest green, but my eyes don’t leave the object sitting in front of me. The tombstone is a dull, grey colour, and this grave is devoid of any flowers or other tokens of faded memories. My eyes narrow as I look it up and down. Perhaps it is due to my somewhat desperate state that I’m unable to see correctly, but at the same time my eyes don’t seem to be deceiving me. No inscription. No words carved into the surface.

“Life is like a blank tombstone…” I mutter to myself bitterly. “The only thing of significance is whose name is inscribed on it first. Nothing more, nothing less.” I can hear sirens in the far distance. The tones tell me it’s a police car, obviously in a hurry. I humph and turn to exit this silent place.

“Well, you’re not claiming me today. Not now, not ever.” My rhythmic footsteps echo in my head as I run out, disappearing from sight just as a police car turns a corner with a loud screech.