Falling Off

By: Lizifer

February 17th, 2006

June 6th, 2006

An example not to be followed.

Warning: Depression may be a melodrama of teen angst

proportions but it should still be taken

seriously.

Table of Contents

01. Chapter 32: No Future for Me.

02. Chapter 11: Here’s Johnny.

03. Figure A: Rules to live by on the streets.

04. Chapter 14: The Lawless Streets of the Industrial Playground.

05. Vignette: Breaking glass at the warehouse.

06. Chapter 45: Glow Sticks and Jumbo Beads.

07. Chapter 18: Out the Door, He’s on the Run.

08. Figure B: A Shoplifter’s Guide.

09. Chapter 31: What is this Hygiene you Speak of?

10. Chapter 21: House Parties are the Best Parties.

11. Vignette: Razor’s plant dies.

12. Chapter 19: I Can Cry if I Want too.

13. Figure C: Cake Monstrosity.

14. Chapter 17: We’re not Gay, We just like the Colors.

15. Vignette: Hosing down the wrestlers.

16. Chapter 38: Psalms for the Incestuous Disciple.

17. Vignette: Smoking up with the thieves.

18. Chapter 29: Suburban Terrorists.

19. Figure D: Ten Signs Your Best Friend is a jerk.

20. Chapter 34: Shits and Giggles.

21. Vignette: Brody setting off car alarms.

22. Chapter 27: Snip! Snip!

23. Figure E: Hash Brownies.

24. Chapter 33: And a Wandering We Shall Go!

25. Figure F: Top Ten Ways to Creep Out your Neighbors.

26. Chapter 35: Little Miss Nobody.

27. Vignette: Watching Brody shoot up.

28. Chapter 37: Mainlining Life.

29. Chapter 20: I’ll Jump You While You’re Sleeping.

30. Chapter 30: Just Hear Me Out.

31. Chapter 16: Fruitloops and Avocados Dipped in Peanut Butter.

32. Chapter 6: Who the FUCK is She and Why does Everyone Hate Me?

33. Figure G: Punk Chick Burnout Songs.

34. Chapter 9: $20 and 1 Free Screw.

35. Chapter 43: What did I do Now?

36. Figure H: An Average Week.

37. Chapter 39: The Silence was Deafening.

38. Chapter 12: Where the Fuck did Brody Go?

39. Chapter 13: Take It Back, Rip My Heart Right Out.

40. Chapter 41: Come Back Down to Earth.

41. Chapter 2: Throw Away the Key.

42. Chapter 1: Deep Within There Lies an Artist.

43. Figure I: An Ode to Alcohol.

44. Chapter 4: Panic. Panic. Can’t Breathe. Heart Racing.

45. Vignette: Brody and Johnny playing strip poker.

46. Chapter 3: Speed Monkey Caffein Freaks.

47. Vignette: Late night wandering.

48. Chapter 5: If I don’t do Something NOW I WILL Go Crazy.

49. Vignette: Johnny’s insomnia.

50. Chapter 23: Tree House Play-Along.

51. Figure J: The Pee Game.

52. Chapter 42: Boozing Down the Street.

53. Chapter 7: Hold Me While I Cry a Little?

54. Chapter 10: I don’t Know, He’s just Brody.

55. Chapter 8: I Promise to Never Stab You with a Fork.

56. Chapter 26: Let’s not get Over Complicated.

57. Vignette: Going to bed.

58. Chapter 49: Pant Vibrations

59. Chapter 22: The Logical Conclusion.

60. Chapter 15: Jingle Jangle on a Chain.

61. Chapter 36: Stomping in the Crowd.

62. Vignette: Tanning in the nude.

63. Chapter 24: Gotta get Out, Gotta Breathe Free.

64. Chapter 25: Beer Clarity.

65. Figure K: World estimates of the HIV/AIDS epidemics.

66. Chapter 28: Where’s My Ice Cream?

67. Vignette: Brody and Johnny dancing.

68. Chapter 40: Fool me Once, Shame on you. Fool me Twice, Shame on me.

69. Vignette: Razor dancing in the street light.

70. Chapter 46: A Break from Nothing.

71. Chapter 47: Pass Me the Stabby, Pokey thing Please.

72. Chapter 44: It’s just the Beginning.

Chapter 32:

No Future for Me.

They call me Razor. Punk, raver, freak, I’ve been labeled all these things. I like fishnets spiked jewelry and bright colors. It’s not really important what I look like but more how I see the world. I’m not one to spend hours in front of the mirror studying myself. There are more interesting things to be doing.

The way I see it, there isn’t much to look forward to. If I live past twenty five, what’s going to happen to me? Turn into my parents? No thank you. Everyone settles down and turns into the things they hate. I’d rather die young if you don’t mind. No nine to fiver for me.

What does society say about the way we should live out lives? Spend seventeen years in school. Our whole youth stuck in that horrid institution slaving away on projects to learn things we don’t really need to know. And for what? We finally get out of one system just to be thrown into a full time job. Society’s been set up to keep us occupied all day. What is so wrong with being able to decide what we want to do with our time?

I guess that’s why I’m a high school dropout and a run away. My life is my own to control and nobody else’s. If I want to live fast and die young, that’s my right. Nothing ever seemed worth while until I found drugs. Acid, speed, mary jane. I love it all. Never have I been so free. Yes I live outside the rules of society. I have never felt better. I’ve discovered my own society. Made up of all the freaks and miscreants like myself. We live by our own rules. Why should we play along with the rules laid down by people who don’t even understand us?

Life is about being free. When I talk about freedom I mean that feeling you get when upi are by yourself in your room with the music blasting, dancing completely uninhibited because you know no one is watching. Because dancing IS happiness and essential to life. I want nothing more than to be able to dance all night. Just give me some music, give me some room.

On the dance floor you don’t need to know who you are or what life is all about. None of that is important. All that matters is the moment. Always live in the moment because tomorrow will never come and everything will be over before you know it. I don’t have time to contemplate the big questions. I know I’m not going to change the world and when I’m gone, no one is going to remember me. None of that matters to me. I’m just out to have a good time while I’m here.

So yes, I’m gonna dye my hair and get chunks of metal shoved through my skin. Drink too much and poison my body with other toxins. I’ll live as hard as I can until I can’t stand it any more and by then I’ll be dead. What do you care? You’re not me. You’re not anyone. Neither am I. There are too many You’s and I’s for anyone to really be important so stop trying. Don’t you see it’s all pointless?

Don’t judge me. At least I’m honest.

Just think about it, you’ll be in your fifties, having your life crisis and looking back at the life you’ve lived. What will you have to say for yourself? Yeah, you got an education. Yeah, you made a lot of money. But what have you DONE with your life? What makes your life so worth while? Meanwhile, I’ll be dead and in the ground but fucking A did I live! I’ve been high enough I couldn’t see my feet and low enough to say I’ve hit bottom and mean it. I’ll take all the shit in the world just to say I’ve never lived a standard monotone life. I’ll never be like you. Good Riddance.

Chapter 11:

Here’s Johnny.

My parents weren’t really parents. I don’t even know why they had me if they weren’t going to be around to raise me. Other than the people hired to look after me, Johnny is the first father figure I’ve had in my life. He found me out on the streets looking miserable and soaking wet. For reasons I’ll never know he took me in that night knowing full well who I was and how much money he’d get for turning me in.

He gave me a place to crash and never demanded much from me. That’s why I trust him. It’s more than just free drugs and not having to pay rent. Johnny really gives a shit about me. I don’t know why but he does. SO I’m going to stick around and make sure that he doesn’t ever end up alone and up shit creek.

It’s pretty late when I finally wake up. From my nest on the couch I can see Johnny in his beat up jeans playing chess with some street punk I’ve never seen before. Johnny’s cursing while his friend bends over the board with his red mohawk glinting in the dying sun light. I watch them as I stretch out the stiffnes from last night. The hangover starts to kick in and the need for coffee rises. I don’t know if I want to get up with a stranger in my living space.

Watching Johnny lose is entertaining enough to stay where I am. It’s pretty obvious they know each other even though they haven’t seen each other in the three years I’ve been crashing here. The two are pretty quiet but not in that awkward way of new aquaintances. Johnny is so relaxed around him. It’s not the way I normally see him acting around him. This is obviouly someone he trusts enough not to put up a front. I would have expected him to let me know that an old friend would be stopping by.

I get off the couch and wander over to the window. It’s almost dark outside in the barren parking lot. In the area we’ve designated the kitchen I pour myself a cold cup of coffee before walking up to Johny and his friend.

“Oh good, you’re awake. Another couple hours and I would have assumed you’d slipped into a coma. You were pretty fucked up when you crawled home this morning.” He puts an arm around my waist and I feel my heart beet faster.

“Last night was one of those rarer nights. So who’s your friend?”

“Oh right, this is Brody. Brody, this is Razor.” Brody gives me a nod as I shake his hand.

“Nice to meet you, Sleeping Beauty.” He gives me a half smile before turning his attention back to the game in front of him. His voice is quiet like he’s not used to talking much.

“So this is the infamous Brody.” We’ve alredy lost his attention.

“The one and only. He sprung up on me this morning. He’s going to be kicking it around town for a bit. I hope you don’t mind him crashing here.” I shrug,

“What ever. It’s your place.”

“Go put some pants on.”

“Pants are for suckers.”

“Please? You are making Brody blush.” I walk off to my area of the space and try to find some decent pants. Being far enough away they start to talk again thinking I can’t hear them any more or just wouldn’t be paying attention anyway.

“What do you think of her?”

“You aren’t sleeping with her, are you?”

“God no. Of course not. She’s like a sister to me. That would be just too wrong.” I m hurt by his words but refuse to let on.

“She seems like… She must be fun at parties”

“Wait until she is more alert. I think you will enjoy arguing with her.”

“I’m sure.” He doesn’t sound too impressed. I feel his eyes on me a I change clothes. If I had any shame I’d move. Obviously Brody doesn’t have any problems with my in my panties. I wonder what’s up with Johnny.

They finish up their game with Johnny the eventual winner as I browse through his old ass record collection. It’s made up mostly of grunge albums from the nineties. I notice Johnny squinting in my direction from across the room.

“What’s your problem fuck head?”

“Are you drinking cold coffee?” I look down at my cup. I’d been too lazy to make a new pot.

“Maybe…”

“You are so gross. I made that pot last night.” I just shrug and go back to what I was doing. He comes over, grabs the mug out of my hand and chucks it, coffee and all, out the open window.

“It’s time to get some real food into you. The both of you. Who’s up for chinese? I know a guy who will deliver all the way out here.”

“I’m not really hungry. Get what ever you want.” I’m also a liar. I could eat a horse but I just don’t feel like eating around these two. Brody doesn’t like me and I don’t want to be the third wheel.

“I don’t need to eat either. I think you’re on your own for the consumables there Johnny.”

“No. I don’t care if neither of you are hungry or not. You are going to eat if I have to force food down your throats. No junk until you eat.”

“What ever. I’m going back to bed until the food get here.”

Lying bed I’m not the slightest bit tired. I observe as Johnny and Brody squabble over the food issue. I’m not up to arguing myself right now, it’s easier just to agree with him. Johnny wins out in the end because no one can ever out stubborn him. Brody is a sneaky bastard though. He manages to convince Johnny to cook him up a hit while we wait for the food. I must admit, that is pretty impressive. I mean, I could do it but it took me a bit of time to master that particular art.

I know a lot of people who are addicted to the junk but usually when they tie off I’m out of there. They usually don’t want me watching because it’s such a personal thing. Either way it’s not something I really want to have to see. For some reason I can’t look away as Brody ties off and lets Johnny inject him with that cloudy liquid. Johnny’s movements are confident like this is some thing he’s done hundreds of times. Brody doesn’t even flinch.

“You’re going to need to start usuing a different vein soon, buddy. I had trouble getting the need in this time ‘round.” Brody isn’t listening, he’s staring at me. I don’t know what to do about it. At least I know he isn’t thinking about fucking me. He’s getting up and shuffling over to my sofa where he flops on top of me. It doesn’t take him very long before gets himself wrapped around me.

I get a good look at the inside of his arms. They are covered in track marks and vericose veins. It’s not very pretty. All hi veins pop out of his skin over taught muscles. He may be a good six or seven inches talled than me but laying on top of me he is still pretty damn light.

“Dude, his arms are gross.” Johnny looks kind of sad as he sits down on the floor next to us.

“That’s what years of heroin addiction will get you. So don’t you ever start up with that shit. You get ugly and I wont let you wander around her in your panties no more.”

Figure A:

Rules to live by on the streets.

Always have a sharpie or paint marker on you.

Never pay for what you can steal.

People wont give you money if they think you are a degenerate burden on society. So don’t try pan handling while your are drinking or fucked up.

Dogs are good for getting you money and they are great for protection too. The only better protection is found in numbers.

Unless it smells bad or is moldy, it’s okay to eat.

Soup kitchens are your friends.

Winter is a good time to migrate. You don’t want to be sleeping in the fucking snow. That’s how you get frostbite or pneumonia.

Being friendly gets you further in the city than you would think.

Watch your back. People are still prone to being pricks.

It’s much safer to sleep during the day. At night people are looking to score and will rip you off.

Chapter 14:

The Lawless Streets of the Industrial Playground.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Johnny. He’s funny, interesting, deep, intelligent. He’s taught me a lot over the time I’ve known him. I just have this thing with staying in one place for too long. I guess that comes from having to constantly avoid people wanting my parents’ reward money but I prefer being on the streets. Things work differently. The social structure’s different. Everyone’s got their crew. That small group of people who’ve got your back. Everyone knows each other on the street. You know who to avoid and who wont come after you when you rip them off.

There is something about this kind of transient lifestyle. Being able to fit your whole life in your backpack. It gives you this thrill and sense of control over your life. To always have the option and ability to pick up and leave. Not being tied down by a job or any kind of responsibility. There is definitely that appeal to living on the streets bit it certainly isn’t the easiest way to live. You find food where you can, in dumpsters or soup kitchens. Pan handling for money. Stealing what you can’t afford. You can’t sleep at night because someone is always ready to jack your shit.

There is always someone you’ve got to worry about. Whether it’s the pigs or someone trying to move in on your turf. Sometimes people are just plain mean. Like what happened to my friend Marina. She had this beautiful black lab. One day she was sneaking into her ex-boyfriend’s place to grab a shower and get some of her stuff back. So she tied the dog to a tree out front while she was gone. When she came back she found the thing eating this big brownie. She figured some person walking by had decided to give it a treat, okay what ever. A couple hours later while she was scoping out some place to sleep the dog just keels over and dies. This perfectly healthy two year old dog out of no where dies. Apparently who ever made that brownie had put rat poison in it. The shit tastes just like chocolate. If Marina ever finds the fuck did it, she’s going to rip his balls off. She’s completely devastated.

Which is why we are in a vacant lot to bury the poor thing. Bones got a shovel from somewhere. He probably stole it or “borrowed” it as he likes to call it. And is now digging a small hole in the mix of gravel and dirt that makes up this old lot. Marina is switching back and forth between crying and ranting.

“They killed my dog. What the fuck is wrong with people?! That’s my dog, you know? I loved him so much. He’s my best friend. Why’d they go and do that? They killed my dog!” I give her a few hits of LSD from my stash to try and comfort her. She’s been trying to sober up but I think now of all times is a good time to make an exception.

After burying the dog we build a fire and cook some beans that Bones scored us from the same mysterious source as the shovel. The acid’s done a good job of cheering Marina up. Her new boyfriend finds us and he’s brought some hooch with him. It’s a good night for drinking, it’s kind of chilly out. Bones is telling us another one of his stories from when he used to hop freight trains and travel all over the place.

Bones is older than the rest of us. He’s been around. I like him. He’s quiet but always has some interesting story to tell, mostly stories about other people. Sometimes after shows we’ll hook up but I don’t think that’s why he sticks around. With his spikey platinum hair and beefy build he doesn’t look like someone you want to mess with. Especially when he wears his leather. It’s always good to have him around when someone wants to mess with us. It’s funny because he’s probably the softest of us all. There was some nasty shit that went down with his stepfather when he was growing up and that’s why he ended up on the streets. He wont talk about it much though.

When Marina and her boyfriend sneak off to go fuck, Bones and I decide to head to the club to take in the show of the night. I prefer going to raves but Bones likes to see all the local punk bands play so I humor him. I figure someone in his life should be nice to him. Christ, I pity him sometimes. He’s so gentle and people just walk all over him.

That’s the problem with this world. There isn’t enough compassion. I mean, you look at everyone on the streets and they’ve all had messed up shit happen to them. Yet they still fight with each other and try to start shit. It’s retarded.

It’s a hard life and not meant for everyone but personally, I love it. There is always something going down. Plenty of booze and drugs going around. Lots of interesting people to meet. Everyone likes me because Johnny likes me and everyone knows Johnny is good to his friends. I’ve learned more living on the streets than I have in all those years I was forced to spend in school. The streets are where you find out what life is really about and it certainly isn’t about rainbows and sunshine.

Vignette: Breaking glass at the warehouse.

Johnny stood before his work bench. Pots bubbles and hissed. Something wasn’t right. The smell was off but he couldn’t figure out what went wrong. He hadn’t changed the recipe and he would have noticed right off if there was anything wrong with his ingredients.

The forcefull tinkling of breaking glass tore his attention away from the bench to the window. Razor was standing in the middle of the broken down parking lot throwing bottles. The broken glass scattered around her glittered in the sun light. Concerned, he went out to meet her.

“Aren’t those the bottles you were going to return to help your friend buy a new dog from the SPCA?”

“Marina’s dead.” Crash. Another bottle slammed onto the asphalt.

“What?”

“They found her body two days ago in the park. She got some bad crack or something from her boyfriend, Oden.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“What are you sorry for?” She thre another bottle but it didn’t break. “She knew what would happen if she started using again.” Her tone was robotic as she crowched down to smach the resillient bottle. Johnny wasn’t sure what to do. He firgured it was best to leave her alone to work out her anger. Her anger was natural but keeping all her grief bottled up inside and ignoring it was not. He wished she would just talk to him. He had lost his fare share of friends, he could help her. Right then he would only be lecturing her.

Chapter 45:

Glow Sticks and Jumbo Beads.

I feel like a shooting star blazing through the dance floor. I am the brightest one here. Everyone is beautiful but I am the only one moving. The music blasts through me, egging me on. People everywhere are gravitating towards me. Kisses and hugs all over. My favorite dj is spinning and he’s doing it just right. I’m feeling orgasmic. The air is palpable with little pixies flying everywhere, Time does not exist in this place. Just us. We’re superior beings come to enjoy and relax after creating the universe. We each bask and revel in each other’s presence. This is home, where I belong. Nothing can duplicate it.

I can’t describe it. No one knows what brings us together. We each have our own reasons for coming but once we get here it’s like we are one cohesive unit. Everyone knows everyone. Somehow we can remember every little detail yet not know our own names. I live for this. Nothing else compares. Sometimes I come home from a night like this and all I remember are flashes of images and faces yet somehow I know the whole wonderful story of the night.

This is what my paradise would be like. Music blasting loud enough to make my ears bleed. People dancing everywhere. The salt of perspiration can be tasted in the air. This is the true human experience. Even if you come alone like I often do you are never really alone. I’ve spent whole nights where I didn’t say a word but it was like I was floating in a collective consciousness.

Everything seems dull after a night like tonight. After spending ten hours in sensory overload it’s hard to see anything the same way. My life was revolutionized the first time I ever went to a rave. I experienced freedom and connected with people in a way I never felt possible. That’s when I realized I had to get out of the life I was living. That’s when the transformation started. I’ll never take it back. This is who I am now.

Tonight everyone seems rejuvenated. There is energy spilling over everywhere. Everyone is here. Like a reunion of old souls. There hasn’t been one in a long time. I’m seeing faces that have been gone for so long I thought I’d dreamt them up. I glory in the attention from old friends. They give me their energy so I can burn brighter. I can’t stop dancing. I am almost at the precipice. Of what? I don’t know. I’ll find out when I dive off.

I’m stuck in this weird fast forward slow motion. I can’t tell if the night’s ended or if things are still going on. My mind is so saturated with images that I can’t tell the difference between reality and memory any more.

How I got home remains a mystery to me but here I am stumbling up the drive way that does not want to stay level. I’ve spent the whole night being too hot but the house is freezing. I grab a blanket and sit down on the couch. That’s what I love about this place. It’s comfortable with pillows and blankets everywhere. Not like the barren marble castles my parents had.

The lights are off which is a blessing. I don’t think my eyes can handle any more shiny things. They might start to bleed. God knows what time it is. If I could move I’d go pass out in my nice big comfy bed. As it is I’m too wired to sleep. Too much has happened tonight. I need to comprehend it all before I can really rest or focus on reality. I’m content to sit in the quiet of this midnight house and let the residual sounds and sights play out in my head.

Brody sits down next to me and gives me a big hug with this goofy smile on his face.

“You’re home early.”

“What?”

“The sun’s not even up yet.”

“I hadn’t noticed.” He leans back and I flop down on his lap still swaddled in my blanket.

Brody smells warm and I like it. He’s watching tv and rubbing my back. I don’t know why I’m not asleep yet. Maybe it’s because I can’t close my eyes. I don’t know what he’s watching but it’s colourful and flashy and completely incomprehensible.

“Is the tv bothering you? You’re all spasmy and stuff.”

“It was a good night.”

“Why do you go to those things? You always come home a wreck.”

“I’ll take you some time. It’s not something I can explain. All I can say is it was at a rave where I learned what freedom really is.”

“That’s an interesting way to find freedom.”

“The way you find freedom and the way I find freedom are not all that different.”

“Only that I don’t consider myself free. One way or another we always find some way to trap ourselves without even realizing it.”

Chapter 18:

Out the Door, He’s On the Run.

I’m being roughly shaken awake way before I would like to have gotten up. Johnny’s looking real anxious.

“Razor, get your stuff together. We gotta get out of her.”

“Why? What’s going on, Johnny?”

“We don’t have time. Just pack up all your shit. Brody will explain everything once you’re on the road.”

“You aren’t coming with us?” He’s busy pulling stuff into boxes. I can see Brody doing the same further away. My head is fogged up with a hangover so I don’t understand the need for urgency.

“No. It’s better if I go in a different direction. It’ll be safer for you guys.”

“I don’t understand. Did something happen?”

“Yes. The shit’s hit the fan. Now quit just sitting there and get your shit together. The longer we stay here the more we are at risk.”

“Okay, okay. Sorry, my brain is just not working too good on so little sleep.” I start cramming my stuff into my bag not bothering to get dressed. If need be I can change in the car. It doesn’t take me very long to pack up. I don’t have very much to call my own. When you’re living on and off the streets you don’t tend to accumulate a lot of stuff. It becomes a pain in the butt to carry it all around not to mention shit gets jacked all the time too.

Waiting by the car I get to witness the most adorable farewell between Johnny and Brody. They huddle close exchanging hurried last minute instructions on how to stay in contact and such things. Johnny slaps a wad of cash into Brody’s hand.

“What’s this?”

“Promise me you’ll take good care of her. Keep her out of trouble.”

“I will. I promise. I’ll treat her like she is my own sister.”

“I know how you treated your sister. You better do a better job then that.”

“Right.” They hug for a lot longer than I would expect to see any pair of straight guys hug. Well at least Brody is straight. For a moment it looks like they might even start to cry. These two have the biggest man crushes on each other, it’s adorable. Johnny comes over and picks me up in a big hug, swinging me around.

“I’m going to miss you, you dirty little punk. Now you behave and treat Brody well. I don’t want you giving him the same kind of hell you give me. He frightens easily. I don’t want you to be the reason he starts wetting the bed again.”

“I never wet the bed! Not in years!”

“I’ll try to be good but no promises.”

“All right, you two better get the hell out of here, now.”

We peel out of the old parking lot with Johnny watching after us waving. As we pass through the old rusted gate I can’t help looking back and thinking this will be the last time I see that colorful building I’ve been calling home for the last three years of my life. I’m a bit taken back by how attached I’ve become to that dumpy place. It is by the far the most broken down place I’ve ever spent a considerable amount of time living but it’s been more of a home than any of those pristine mansions my parents dumped me in with my nanny.

“Okay, Brody. Start explaining.”

“There was a bit of a misunderstanding. Johnny got himself into trouble.”

“What kind of trouble?”

“Johnny said something about screwing up a batch of crystal meth that he accidentally gave to one of his buyers and as pay back the buyer ratted him out to the cops. He got word not too long before you got in this morning that the police were coming to raid the warehouse as soon as they could get a warrant.”

“So what does that mean? Is Johnny going to be able to get all his equipment out of there in time? Are you and I going to have to lay low for a while?”

“Johnny’s still got at least the rest of today to clear out his place which is more than enough time for him to sterilize the place. You might have to lay low if they’ve been watching Johnny but they probably haven’t or else they would have raided the place by now. In any case, we’ll be far enough away that the local cops wont think to look for you there.”

“Where are we going?”

“It’s a couple hours from here. I’m taking you to my parent’s old house.”

“They don’t live there any more?”

“Both my parents are dead.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. They died years ago in a train accident. I’ve had plenty of time to deal with it.”

“Okay...” I spend the rest of the ride sleeping off my hangover.

It’s still light out when we pull into the drive way of a decently large house in a suburban area full of houses that all look alike.

“It’s a nice house.”

“Yeah. My mom worked in real estate so we’ve got houses like this all over the place. They make good nest eggs. The place is probably all dusty and stuff. We closed down the house a while back.”

“We?”

“My sister and I.” He digs out a key and unlocks the door. He was right in assuming there would be dust everywhere. It’s almost half an inch thick. The place is pretty spacious. Obviously not in the same way as the warehouse but it looks like there is plenty of frolic space.

“It’s nice.”

“I know it’s nothing like the houses you grew up in but it’s home anyway.”

“How did you...?”

“Johnny told me who you really are. It’s okay I don’t care about reward money or any of that shit. I’ve got all the money I need.”

“It’s the people not the place that make the home. I mean Johnny’s place was a right dump but I feel more comfortable there than anywhere else I’ve lived. I’m not a snob, any place if good enough for me.”

“Okay. Well then I hope I can make you as good a home as Johnny did while you’re staying here.”

“Trust me, if even a fraction of what Johnny says is true then everything will be chill. He speaks glowingly of you.”

“He exaggerates a lot, that one. Don’t ever count on him to be accurate or impartial about anything he likes.”

“Oh yeah. That’s why he spent the whole time you were over telling you all the worst stories about me.”

“That’s only when you were around because he likes to bug you. Now go pick a room while I go turn the power back on.” He heads off down some stairs to the basement leaving me to wander around the house. I end up picking a room on the first floor because it is close to the kitchen which will make midnight snackage quite easy. Dumping my stuff on the floor I sit down on the edge of the bed. The room seems so big and empty it makes me feel small in comparison. I wonder how someone could fill this room with things they love. There is so much space to fill, can a person really love that much? I look down at my single bag and box full of stuff. My whole life takes up less space than I do in this room. It’s belittling.

Brody comes in.

“I’ve got to go meet up with Johnny to pick up some stuff and get supplies and food. Are you going to be okay her by yourself?”

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?” Even my voice sounds little.

“I don’t know. Some people aren’t good with being in new places alone.”

“I’ll be fine. I’m not some dumb kid. You don’t have to mother me.”

“Okay. I’ll be back in a couple hours.”

Figure B:

A Shoplifter’s Guide

Hooded sweatshirts, anything with large pockets and messenger bags are your friends.

Small scissors are handy as clothing has censors that need to be cut out of the seam.

It’s less conspicuous if you buy something but you don’t have too. It’s just recommended if you take a long time in the store.

Higher end stores wont have alarms at the doors but they do have secret shoppers.

Always check for cameras. Start making the habit of looking up.

If you take things out of the package than they wont know you just stole it if they decide to search your bag.

Make sure no one is following you around. If you look shifty, an employee will probably start to follow you around.

Staying close to the aisle will make it harder for the cameras to see what you are doing.

No one can watch all the cameras all the time so just because you did something in plain view of a camera doesn’t mean you will get caught. Don’t freak out.

It’s only a crime once you’ve left the store. They can’t prosecute you until then but they can ban you.

It’s easier to shoplift in the winter and you are less likely to get caught.

Chapter 31:

What is this Hygiene you Speak of?

Living with Brody is a lot different than living with Johnny. For one thing, this house smells a lot better than the warehouse seeing as there isn’t the constant presence of chemical fumes. Brody is a lot quieter than Johnny. At least, he doesn’t start shouting and singing drunkenly at all hours of the day. Brody doesn’t drink as much as Johnny. He does shower more and that’s a definite plus. I prefer my men clean. Johnny used to come up to me to give me these big hugs and he’d be all sweaty and gross.

Brody is a lot more relaxed. I guess it’s because he doesn’t need to be doing anything. He’s just so low key. It weirded me out at first but now I quite enjoy it. He’s so zen sitting on the floor strumming away at his old beat up guitar. He’s not as talkative as Johnny but I kind of like that. At least I know he’s listening if not what he’s thinking. It does make him a bit of a mystery but I guess that’s just part of his charm.

We eat a lot of take out and junk food. If I never took speed then I’d totally be getting fat now. All in all I like this house. It’s a clean slate. Not as colourful as the warehouse. I’m sure that will change. The bathroom’s already stained all sorts of colors from the hair dye we use. I kind of wish this place weren’t so plain. Like my room is still pretty barren, for example. The living space should reflect the person who occupies it. Brody thinks I’m just being silly. I think he’s just too lazy to do much about the house. I mean his room is all nice and colourful with posters and other things all over the place.

He got settled here pretty quickly considering he’s essentially been a nomad for the past couple years. When we first got here he started pulling all sorts of stuff out of storage. Books, records, personal stuff. For someone who embraces street life he sure has a lot of junk. I’ve still just got my box of stuff. Okay so I’ve been able to keep more of the stuff I lift but I can’t even get a decent mess going.

I guess that’s good because it means that Brody is not going to be barging into my room in the middle of the night to clean it. He’s taken to frenzied fits of cleaning at all hours of the night. It’s good in a sense because there is no chance of stumbling upon forgotten sandwiches anywhere. But I would appreciate it if he wouldn’t start vacuuming at two in the morning.

Johnny seems to have gone deep underground. I haven’t heard from him in a while but Brody tells me not to worry. I get the feeling that somehow they’re still keeping in touch. That makes sense, I guess, because they never really spend much time in the same place anyway. I’m starting to think that those two wouldn’t be able to function together very well. Having lived with both of them, I can tell that they are a very oddly matched pair. Their habits and mannerisms are so different. For one thing, Brody sucks at twenty questions which is Johnny’s favorite game ever.

I miss being on the streets though. There is always something going on. It was easy to find fun around every corner. Someone was always cooking up some wild scheme to kick up trouble. That doesn’t happen out in the ‘burbs. Nothing happens out here. There is a zero tolerance policy for freaks and trouble makers. This is conformist central. It’s boring. There is hardly a night life to speak of unless you consider some run down pub full of underage drunken idiots a happening place to be. It’s a half hour drive to find anywhere decent to kick it.

I guess in some ways the quiet is a good thing. It’s easier to be heard. That’s the theory anyway. There aren’t many people around here open enough to listen. Most of them walk through life with their hands over their ears screaming nonsense to block out any novel concepts they might stumble across. That and what would I have to say anyway? Brody’s the political one, I’ve never been into all that stuff. It’s not that it doesn’t concern me, it’s just that I can’t bring myself to care. I think that bothers Brody. The subject doesn’t come up too often so what ever.

We’ve developed some fun routines and habits. My favorite is the saturday morning doobie and cartoon watching. We do a lot of TV watching while we’re high. The TV actually works here. I went for three and half years without tv and there still isn’t anything on. Brody likes to watch a lot of movies or else he reads books. He’s really a solitary fellow. Sometimes I feel like such a tag-along. I guess that’s because he’s older than me by a couple years. He’s more mature and shit.

You know what living with Brody feels like? It feels like spring break. The weather’s always nice and there’s nothing we’ve got to do. We can be lazy or go our partying as much as we want. I’ve actually had the time to be bored. I’ve started reading books again and spending more time out and about on my own. I feel healthier in an area with trees. There is always a gentle breeze and it doesn’t smell like wet dog.

Chapter 21:

House Parties are the Best Parties.

The bass is deep enough you can almost feel the house shaking. The beat pulses through me as I walk though the huge crowds of people packed into the house. It’s our first house party here and so far it is quite rockin’. I’m trying to find a fresh drink or someone to make out with. Which ever I come across first I guess. I blank out for a couple seconds to be snapped out of it by someone kissing me. We’re leaning against the wall and he has to bend down a bit to reach my mouth.

Brody is pulling me away and handing me a drink as I look back at mystery guy. I’m less than pleased with Brody at this moment and wish he’d stop leading me away from a very good kisser.

“What is your problem?” I have to yell to be heard over the music.

“I want you to stay away from that guy.”

“Why?”

“He’s dangerous, all right?”

“I can handle myself thank you very much.”

“I’m just trying to look out for you.”

“Look, just because Johnny made you promise doesn’t mean you can mother me. Now piss off, I don’t need you watching over my shoulder all night.” I stomp off shoving a few people out of my way. Downing my drink I search out my most enjoyable make out partner. I am about to give up hope of ever finding him when some gorgeous guy with blonde spikey hair catches my attention.

He becomes my objective. I don’t care what his name is or if he has a girlfriend. I want him. It’s as easy as walking up to him and putting my hands on him to make him wrap his arms around me and lean in for a kiss. When we come up for air I’m seeing trails. Every touch sends electric thrills through my whole body. We’re grinding to the music and all I can think is I want more. He’s smiling knowingly at me as I take him by the hand and lead him off through the crowd.

The door to my room is locked to prevent anyone else from having sex on my bed. It takes me a minute to figure out that this is why I can’t get it open. I feel dumb but he doesn’t seem to mind. He’s too preoccupied with feeling me up. The door barely closes before we are ripping each other’s clothes off, our mouths still glued together. If he doesn’t hurry up I am going to explode. I’ve got his pants off already as he still struggles with my bra. Frustration getting the better of me I shove him down onto the bed and mount him, removing the rest of my clothes.

Finally we’re fucking. Neither of us paying much attention to the other but more to how we are feeling. Every one of my senses seems intensified. Electric thrills and vibrations pulsing through me to the fast paced rhythm we’ve established. It feels like we’ve been at it for hours. Both slick with sweat as we rub together. He’s kissing and sucking at my breasts, caressing. I am laughing with pleasure as my hands roam all over his body. We’re about to climax, or at least I am, when the door burst open and there stands Brody ruining things for me again.

“What?!”

“Get your clothes on. The cops are here trying to shut us down. I need you to talk your way into making them go away.”

”Sure.” The music is off and people are milling around aimlessly,not quite sure what to do or what is going on.

There are two police officers standing on the front porch trying to look serious and intimidating. I open the door and step out, closing it behind me to hide the view of all the cracked out people inside and the more than likely abundance of illegal substances laying around. They take in my disheveled appearance and can probably tell I’ve been cocktailing but I push that particular worry out of my mind.

“What seems to be the problem, Officers?”

“We’ve received a noise complaint. We’re here to tell you to turn it down or else we’ll have to break up your little gathering.” I can tell by the tone of his voice that they are just trying to intimidate me. The pigs don’t like my kind and it’s obvious that Brody and I are clearly not welcome in this community.

“According to city bi-laws we are allowed to have one crazy party a year without getting fined for excessive noise. So you can come back when we are actually in violation of that law.” They look dumb founded. Looking at each other trying to figure out what to do next. Clearly they weren’t expecting this. “Have a good evening, Officers.” I turn and head back inside without giving them the chance to rebuttal. Everyone listens for the pigs to get back in their car and drive off before the music is turned back on.

I return to my room and bed mate, no longer interested in what might be going on outside the door. It’s an incredible experience. When I am completely satiated by the beautiful man I fall asleep to him massaging my entire body.

The sun is shining brightly when I wake up naked next to a man whose name I don’t even know. He’s out cold and I can’t wake him up. Wrapping myself up in a blanket I head out into the rest of the house to investigate the damage from the party and maybe hunt down something to eat. I find Brody in the living room putting pretty much all loose objects into a giant garbage bag.

“Hey there, I thought you’d gone missing.”

“No. I’ve been in my room.”

“This whole time? What or should I say who have you been doing?” I sit down on the couch.

“I have been having some of the best sex I have ever had with a guy whose name I don’t think I even bothered to get.”

“You’re classy. How clean is this guy? What if he’s got AIDS or syphilis or some shit?”

“You’re one to talk Mr. Intravenous Drugs.”

“Touché.”

“So did you get everyone out of the house okay?”

“For the most part. There are still a few people passed out here and there.” He steps over a small girl who looks maybe fifteen as he says this.

“Okay. How long have I been asleep?”

“I don’t know. It’s almost five now. I don’t have a clue when you went to sleep.”

“Have you slept?”

“I don’t sleep, remember?”

“You do too. I’ve caught you sleeping I don’t know how many times.”

“Shut up.”

“Did those cops ever come back?”

“No. What ever you did worked.”

“It’s always good to know the particulars of the law where you live. You would not believe how much it comes in handy. Pigs always try to bully you around because most people don’t know the law.”

“So you’re like a little street lawyer or something?”

“Something like that. My parents wanted me to be a lawyer so they got me started on it early to make sure I’d get into law school.”

“I thought you were rich enough that you wouldn’t need to work ever.”

“My parents didn’t want me to get too snobby. Besides, it would look good to have a lawyer for a daughter. They always obsessed about appearances.”

“That’s messed up.”

“That’s what obscene amounts of money does to you.”

“So why aren’t you like that?”

“Because I hate my parents and everything they stand for and I hope they die in a plane crash.”

“That’s... That’s a good reason.”

Vignette: Razor’s plant dies

On top of the over used television sat a spider plant in a hand made pot. By now it had lost all its green and shrivelled, dropping its dried leaves one by one to the ground. This little plant had weathered a lot, sitting on its perch facing the window. After all the house parties and countless periods of neglect the little plant had held on with a weathered tenacity becoming one of the few constants in Razor’s life. The strain had finally become too much and did the poor plant in.

Razor came in humming to herself with a watering can in hand. Her intention was to water the little plant she affectionately called Eugene McPie but the sight of its sorry state in the morning light made her heart start to crumble. Falling to her knees she let out a cry sending Brody runnig into the room.
“What’s going on? What’s wrong?”

“Eugene died.”

“Oh… Who?”

“My plant!”

“Oh.”

“You don’t understand! I love that plant. I’ve had it forever. From before I got to Johnny’s.”

“Maybe you should have taken better care of it.”

“Maybe you should shut the fuck up.” He walks over to have a better look at the plant.

“Uh… why does it smell like alcohol?”

“Shut up?” His laughter only makes her feel that much worse. She knew she should have taken better care of Eugene McPie and couldn’t swallow the guilt she felt for letting it die. She didn’t need Brody to rub it in. Colapsing to the ground completely, she was ready to cry.

“Hey… I’m just teasing you. I’m not any better at taking care of plants and I actually try hard to keep them alive.”

“Well, at least I’m not the only one.” She ;et out a little laugh and he smiled. Together they took what was left of Eugene McPie and set it on fire on their neighbor’s doorstep.

Chapter 19:

I Can Cry if I Want too.

“Brody, what are you doing?” He’s busy in the kitchen baking something. I’m not sure what but he is making quite the mess.

“I am making the most awesomest chocolate cake known to man.”

“Um... Why?”

“Because I happen to know that it is your birthday today which means cake is in order.”

“Birthdays are lame. How would you even know if it was my birthday or not any ways?”

“Johnny called to tell me.”

“He doesn’t know when my birthday is. I never told him.”

“Oh he knows. He’s a nosey creature that one. I secretly think he was trained as a spy for the CIA and has just been working under cover all this time.” That bastard. I could kill him. My birthday is top secret information. I don’t know how Johnny found out but he shouldn’t be giving it out to anyone.

“I’m not helping you clean up this mess, you know.”

“Of course not. I just expect you to eat the whole thing.”

“The whole thing? That’s a lot of cake for one person.”

“Well there isn’t anyone around for you to share it with and from what I hear you can handle it you fat kid. Now go back to bed I’ll wake you up when it’s ready.”

“Fine. Just try not to make so much noise.” He goes back to making a complete fucking mess of the kitchen and I go back to my room. Although I am too awake to fall back asleep I get into bed anyway. It’s the most comfortable place to do any thinking.

If today really is my birthday then that means I am nineteen. I come into my trust fund today. No more having to worry about my parents finding me. They don’t have any legal obligations to me anymore. I’m not sure how I feel about it. I thought I’d be more relieved. I guess I just really don’t like birthdays so there is no way to make this a good day. Especially if Brody insists on celebrating.

He comes in three hours later and starts jumping on my bed. He looks for all the world like a six year old on the morning of a trip to Disney Land.

“Come on, get up. You’re cake is ready! You can’t stay in bed all day on your birthday.”

“Yes I can and I will.” I tell him matter-of-factly, rolling over. Flopping down beside me he starts to shake me by the shoulders.

“That’s no way to spend your birthday. There should be cake and drinking and partying and presents. Not sleeping. Sleeping is for the day after because you are so exhausted from all the fun you had on your birthday.”

“There will be no presents or wild partying on this birthday thank you very much. But I will eat your cake because I feel like eating my emotions today.”

“Well it’s a start.” He rips off the covers and starts pulling me to my feet.

“I think maybe you’ve had too much sugar today.”

“Nope. You just haven’t had enough yet.”

We get to the kitchen which has been restored to it’s former state of spotlessness. On the table is a huge chocolate monstrosity I’m assuming is the cake Brody keeps talking about. It’s gooey and layered with icing and chunks of chocolate falling off it all over the place. It resembles a blast site more than a cake.

“That is the most retarded looking cake I have ever seen.”

“It’s called Chocolate Meet Explosion cake. My own creation.”

“How high were you when you came up with this?”

“Take the highest you’ve ever been and then add some acid to the mix. It was a glorious night. Here’s a fork, now get started.”

“You better get the milk. It’s going to take me all day to eat this.”

Brody is suspiciously quiet as we are eating his monstrously delicious cake. It takes me a while to notice it but I start feeling pretty high.

“Brody... Are there any magic ingredients in this?”

“Maybe...” He tries to hold a straight face but his laughter gets the best of him.

“You bastard... you could have warned me.” I fling a nice big fork full at him.

“You did not!” A fist full of cake tries to make it’s way into my mouth but instead he just manages to smear the whole thing all over my face. Hysterical laughter bursts out of the both of us as the cake becomes the fuel for an all out food fight. By the time we are done there is chocolate on practically every inch of the kitchen. I can’t help laughing at the chunks of icing hanging off Brody’s meticulously spiked mohawk.

“You have cake all over your hair!

“Oh yeah?” he grabs a hand full of cake from anywhere he can and rubs it into my hair. He’s laughing at his clever retort as I glare at him.

“At least my hair is water proof. I haven’t even brushed it in two days.”

“You are a slob.” He leans back looking smugly at me with chocolate sauce running down his face.

“Oh no! We wasted all that special cake.” I can’t help feel that twinge of regret.

“You can always lick it off the floor.”

“You go right ahead. I’m going to hose myself off outside.”

“Ooo wet t-shirt time.”

“Pervert.” He follows me outside like an eager puppy with his tongue hanging out. I turn the hose full blast on him. Next thing I know he is chasing me around the back yard laughing evilly. I squeal as he tackles me to the ground trying to spray me with the hose. We roll around getting more and more tangled on the slick grass before eventually splashing into the pool. This finally gives me the chance to break free from his long reach. I swim to the other end shivering and hugging myself. My shirt clinging to me the way it is makes me feel exposed.

We’re staring at each other from across the pool both just trying to catch our breaths. I really wish the pool were heated. The sun’s in hiding and it’s not so warm right now.

“Hey, you’re bleeding.”

“Huh?” I look down and see a bit of blood on the collar of my t-shirt.

“Yeah, looks like you got a cut on your collar bone.” He comes closer to take a look at it. I can feel heat radiating off him as his calloused hands probe my stinging cut.

“Huh. I wonder how that happened. I didn’t even feel it.”

“It doesn’t look too deep. It’s possible you just scrapped it on this.”

“What is it?” He’s holding out a tarnished silver key on a leather string that is around his neck. I tentatively reach out and touch it with shivering fingers.

“House key?”

“Nope. It’s just something that locks the demons away. That’s all.”

“What demons.”

“If I could talk about them they wouldn’t be locked up. Here, you hold on to it for me. Don’t give it back to me or anyone, not even Johnny. What’s locked up is supposed to stay that way.” He puts the key around my neck.

“Why are you giving me this?”

“Consider it a birthday gift. It’s kind of lame but better than nothing.”

“But why are you giving this to me?”

“I trust you to keep it. I can’t have it on me any more. It’s driving me crazy.”

“I haven’t done anything to make me trust worthy.”

“Johnny trusts you so I do too.”

“Johnny trusts everyone.”

“He really doesn’t. Cooking drugs is a really risky business. You can’t just let anyone know what you are up to. He wouldn’t have let you stay if he didn’t trust you.”

“I’m not trust worthy at all. I’ve ripped off most of the people I consider friends. I’m an asshole.”

“Not to everyone. Just stop asking questions and take it.”

“Okay...” I take a closer look at this key.

“Good. Your lips are turning blue, we should probably get you inside.”

Figure C:

Cake Monstrosity.

Ingredients:

- 2 large chocolate cakes (plain)

- 2 containers of chocolate icing

- 1 bag of chocolate chips

- 1 bottle of chocolate sauce

- 1 bottle of caramel

- 1 container of hazel nuts

Instructions:

Tear chocolate cake into large chunks. In a large tray start gluing the chunks together with chocolate icing and caramel. Don’t worry about aesthetics, it’s supposed to look messy. Once the cake is all glued together pour liberal amounts of the chocolate sauce, chocolate chips, caramel and hazel nuts on top.

There is no clean way to eat this so I recommend putting down drop cloths in the area where you will be serving the thing.

Serves: Lots of people. Good for food fights.

Chapter 17:

We’re not gay, we just like the colors.

“Brody! Wake up!” I’m jumping up and down on his bed where he had been peacefully sleeping not ten seconds before and now is looking up at me with a less than pleased expression.

“What is wrong with you?”

“I’m here to discourage normal sleeping patterns. We are supposed to be nocturnal creatures forever keeping the neighbors awake.”

“You seem quite capable of doing that yourself. I’m going back to sleep.” He tries to roll over and shove me off his bed but I just step on him instead.

“Come on, you gotta keep me company. It’s pride day tomorrow, we need to paint the house but I’m not tall enough to reach some spots so I need you to help me or else the house will look ugly and that will make me sad. You don’t want me to be sad do you?”

“The house does not need painting. It’s got plastic siding. I don’t do the painting thing anyway not to mention it’s midnight so how are we even supposed to see what we are doing?” I hold up a pair of head lamps.

“If you don’t want to help me then I will stand here screaming all night long. Either way you wont be sleeping tonight if I have anything to say about it which I do.” With that I take a deep breath and let out a loud and hopefully annoying scream. He buries his head under his pillow until he can’t take it any more. Without warning he grabs me around the waist and pulls me down into bed with him, gagging me.

“If I agree to help you, will you shut up?”

“Shut up how? Like stop screaming or do I have to stop talking all together and make no noise. I don’t know if I can do that because I have no inner monologue right now so that would mean I’d have to stop thinking. It’s really hard to stop thinking when your mind works at like warp speed which mine does. So yeah I can stop screaming but I can’t shut up all together but I really want you to help me so you’re going to have to settle for that.”

“Okay. Okay. Just calm down for a second. You’re like vibrating. Take a few deep breaths or something.” It takes him a couple minutes to shake himself awake and even then he is still quite groggy when I get him outside.

“So why exactly are we painting the house again?” He is eyeing the cans of paint and rollers that are sitting on the drive way.

“We are painting the house to show our pride in being homosexuals.”

“But we aren’t homosexuals. In fact, I’m really straight. I mean, I’ve seen you making out with girls but you still only date guys. So that makes you straight too.”

“I am aware of that, Brody. But I really like the colors and it will big time piss off our neighbors to have to look at our rainbow colored eyesore of a house day after day. Besides, it’ll be cool and I’m tired of all the houses around here looking the same. If I felt like getting arrested I’d say we should paint other people’s houses too just to bring colour into this goddamn boring neighborhood but I don’t think you’d let me do that so we’ll just have to stick to our house.”

“Good god you talk a lot. Let me have a cigarette and then we’ll get started, okay?”

“Fine, Smokey McSmokinstien, enjoy your toxins but hurry up. I want to be finished by the time this speed wears off and the sun comes up.”

“You should have woken me up earlier. You’re only giving us like five hours to do this. We’ll never be able to pains a whole house in that time.”

He’s right, as usual. We only manage to get the front done and that is just because I was big time tweaking almost the whole night. Either way, sitting on the roof watching our neighbors come out to ogle the house is priceless. We wish all of them a happy pride day and they slowly back away looking quite disturbed. If the neighbors didn’t hate us before, they certainly fear us now.

It’s a glorious sunrise, we watch it over a beer. I’m on my downer so Brody has to carry me in because I refuse to move on my own. He puts me down on the couch in front of the tv and hands me the remote before turning to leave.

“Brody, will you sit with me until I fall asleep? I need better company than the tv.”

“But sleep...”

“We can take a nap together on the couch. I should be out like a light soon enough.” He sighs.

“Fine, I can’t say no to you when you are sitting there looking all pathetic like that.” We get comfortable all snuggled up together on the couch. “So what do you want to talk about?”

“Is Johnny gay?”

“What? Where did you get an idea like that?” Brody bursts out laughing, I can feel it more than hear it.

“Well, I lived with him most of the time for like three years and I never once saw him take a woman to bed. Plus all the drag queens and fairies were really sweet on him.”

“Everyone is really sweet on Johnny. He cooks drugs for a living. But no, Johnny isn’t gay. A lot of people like to think he is, he’s not the most masculine of men and he’s way too comfortable with himself. He’s actually got a woman out there somewhere. She’s a scientist or veterinarian or something like that. I’d imagine that he’s probably with her now.”

“What’s her name?”

“I don’t remember.”

“How come Johnny’s never mentioned her to me before?”

“It probably never occurred to him to tell you about her. I only found out about her because I was going through his wallet one day. And then I found all the letters she’s written him over the years in a shoe box in his closet. I have no idea how he can put up with a long distance relationship for so long. Johnny is actually married to this woman. It shocked the hell out of me. I never thought him the marrying type. He sure must love this woman because he goes for years without seeing her and he’d never touch another woman. She’s not the same way though.”

“How do you know that?”

“I read all the letters of course. She tells him every time she cheats on him.”

“That’s terrible. How can you invade your best friend’s privacy like that?”

“He knows all about me so it’s my right to know all about him. He’d have done the same thing to me if our positions were reversed. It’s just the way our friendship works. In fact, I’m pretty sure he’s done the same thing to you with all those note books you like to fill up and then throw out.”

“He does not.” The idea of anyone reading my note books deeply disturbs me. WHat I write in them is intensely personal and never meant for anyone else to see. I only write that stuff to get it out of my head.

“I don’t know if he reads them but I know he keeps them. I flipped through one of them once thinking they were his and he beat me over the head with it and wrecked my mohawk. So don’t worry about him spreading them around. He’s not a jerk like that.” His words don’t exactly comfort me but I am too busy falling asleep to worry about it for now. I’ll probably have forgotten about it by the time I wake up.

Vignette: Hosing down the wrestlers

It was a sunny saturday morning that Brody and Razor had decided to spend in front of the television eating fruitloops and watching cartoons. During a commercial break Razor peered out into the backyard.

“It kind of looks like there are two guys fighting in our back yard.”

“What?”

“Go have a look for yourself.” He got up and went to the patio door to have a look.

“I think you’re right.” Razor joined him with her bowl of cereal, the television long forgotten was still blasting out cartoons.

“This is better than any of the cheap fights in cartoons.”

“How long do you think they can keeps going for?”

“I don’t know but as soon as I’m done with my breakfast I’m getting the hose.”

“The hose? What for?”

“The only thing more entertaining than watching two guys try to beat the crap out of each other is watching them do it soaking wet and covered in mud.”

“You scare me sometimes.”

“I know.” She put down her bowl and slid the door open leaving Brody safely inside to watch the mayhem.

Chapter 38:

Psalms for the Incestuous Disciple.

The door bell rings at an unusual hour. It’s 10:38AM according to the clock on the VCR, who knows if that’s right. As usual I’ve been up all night. I am currently half zoned out watching some movie about some chick and a dog or a pizza place. I am not really sure what’s going on. I just like the pretty colors.

The door bells rings again, snapping me out of my stupor. Who the fuck wants to talk to us so badly? No body here likes us if they are over seventeen and everyone under that age is in school right now. Grumbling, I peel myself off the couch. Brushing the popcorn off me and painfully scraping the jolly rancher stuck to my leg off. I realize that I am not appropriately attired to answer the door. I’m not even wearing a shirt. Just a bra and boxers. I have to laugh at my classiness as the only shirt I can find is a fishnet tank top. Who ever is at the door either wont care or isn’t important.

Opening the door I see two women in their early forties moderately dressed. Definitely here to complain. Mouths hanging slightly open they are appropriately scandalized by my appearance. I’m sure my face and hair are a mess too. There is silence for a bit as they soak in what they are seeing. Determination starts to build up on their faces.

“Can I help you?” Nice big fake smiles fix onto their botoxed faces.

“Hi, I’m Ruth and this is Libby. We’re here representing the Reformed Conservative Church of Our Lord Jesus Christ. We’ve come to share the good word and help you wayward sheep find your way back into the fold.” Oh joy, bible people.

“My brother would be very interested in hearing this. Let me go get him.” They smile and nod as I walk away.

Brody is laying on his bed clearly off in another plane of existence. This will make things interesting. Pulling him up he looks at me funny. I usually leave him alone when he’s like this because there is just no communicating with him

“What’s going on?” His voice makes me think of Mr. Burns when they think he’s an extraterrestrial.

“The bible people have come to play so we’re going to have some fun with them. If they ask, we’re brother and sister.”

“Okay.” His eyes don’t quite focus on me.

“On second thought, just let me do the talking.”

“Okay.” I lead him by the hand down the stairs.

The bible ladies have been talking among themselves but stop when they hear us coming.

“This is my brother. He’s a bit slow. He was in an accident a few years back and hasn’t been the same ever since. I think what you have to say will really help him.” They look sympathetic as Brody stands there shirtless, staring past them at the tree blowing in the breeze.

The women start going on about Jesus and tolerance and acceptance. It sounds like all that bullshit they tried to teach us in religion class. I’m not really paying that close attention. Just plaster on my patent expression of attentiveness that got me through class unpestered. It’s all shit they don’t actually follow in their actions. I’m just waiting for the right moment. I don’t even know what prompted this visit. It’s probably the new paint job on the house. It’s not our fault they can’t tolerate the gay community.

“This is interesting, don’t you find, Brody?” He nods sluggishly. I reach up and grab his face to plant a nice hot kiss right on his mouth. In his altered state he responds warmly to me. His arm fly around me, caressing. It’s a couple minutes before I break off our passionate embrace. From the corner of my eye I watch the bible ladies standing there dumb struck. Horror clear on their faces. They don’t know what to do. I doubt they expected to be confronted with such blatant incest. I am quite the deviant one.

“Oh please continue. What you have to say is just so fascinating.” They don’t say anything just turn and leave with all possible speed. I don’t think anyone will be stopping by again after this.

Brody is looking slightly confused. Probably wondering why his mouth tastes like jolly ranchers. I feel a twinge of guilt for using him like that but it fades quickly.

“What’s going on?”

“Never mind I’ll tell you later.”

“Okay.” He turns and heads back upstairs as if nothing had happened and I go back to my movie.

Vignette: Smoking up with the thieves.

The patio door was unlocked and slid open quietly. Three gangly teenage boys stepped into the house. Getting into the house was a lot easier than they expected. Now they weren’t sure what to do. Looking around they spotted a large collection of vinyl records. Most of them were of bands they’d never heard of or singles. They decided to just take the stuff they knew. Razor’s entrance into the living room made them drop everything.

“Hello teenage hooligans. Have you come to steal from my home today?” They stared at her with slack jawed expressions. “I’ll make you a deal. If you put everything back and smoke a bowl with me then I wont get you in trouble.”

“Cool.”

When Brody came in he found four people blazed out of their minds squashed on the couch and his record collection that he had meticulously organized in chaos.

“What’s going on here?”

“They were gonna jack your shit but I got them stoned instead.”

“And this is why I’m glad you’ll never be going into politics.”

Chapter 29:

Suburban Terrorists.

We’ve got a bucket filled with water balloons between us on the roof. It’s right around the time that the neighbors are coming home from work. It was Brody’s idea to lob the balloons at the cars as they pass. His aim is better than mine but everyone drives so slow around here that it’s hard to miss.

“Aw dude, we’re almost out of balloons.”

“Oh well. I think most of the street’s come home already any ways.” He’s busy lighting up another cigarette.

“Do you have to do that around me?”

“What? We’re outside. The smoke’s blowing away from you.”

“It smells like shit.”

“Quit being such a tight ass.”

“I will when you quit smoking.”

“Because this is any worse than pot.”

“Shhh...” I pick up another balloon and throw it at a passing car, hitting the windshield. The driver honks and swerves but doesn’t stop or get out like some of the others did. Brody laughs appreciatively.

“Nice shot. The next on is mine.” The sun is starting to set and the crickets are chirping. It’s one of those perfect evenings in the suburbs. Too quiet, too peaceful. It makes me sick. Reminds me too much of home. Well, the places my parents had me living.

“Why the fuck are we living out here?”

“Because Johnny said that I’m supposed to keep you out of trouble. This is the best way for me to do that.”

“But there is nothing to do here. This place is too perfect. We don’t belong here.”

“What do you care whether we belong somewhere or not. Look at you, you stand out where ever you go.”

“Everyone here cares what people look like. I feel like a criminal just walking down the street. Did you know the security guards stopped me to search my bag when I went to the mall yesterday. I had just gotten there. They didn’t even give me the chance to steal anything.”

“Did you have anything on you?”

“No, not anything they’d notice anyway. But still, I had the right mind to file a complaint. You and I both know that they only searched me because of the way I look.”

“Relax. We’re going to get that no matter where we go. We make the choice when we decide to look different to stick out. Why are you complaining?”

“What else do I have to complain about?”

“Oh you’d find something.”

“Yeah, I’d complain about having to look at your ugly face everyday.”

“Hey! You said I was hot.”

“I was drunk.”

“Well I’m never going to trust anything that comes out of your mouth again.” He stubs out the cigarette on the bottom of his boot. I pull some gummy worms out of my pocket and start shoving them in my mouth. He tries to grab one but I slap his hand away.

“These gummy worms are for non smokers only.”

“Fine then. Jerk. I hope you get fat.” He’s glaring at me over his shoulder. I give him my biggest smile, candy hanging out of my teeth.

“Do you ever think about your parents?”

“Nope. Not really.”

“Why do you hate them so much?”

“Because they abandoned me.”

“Putting out a reward for your safe return hardly sounds like abandoning to me.”

“They had this habit of dumping me in boarding school or their summer houses and jet setting around the world for months at a time. I can count on one hand the number of times they were home for my birthday, let alone holidays.”

“That’s rough.”

“Yeah. The only way my parents knew how to show me affection was through money. So in the end I really have no use for my absentee parents.”

“I can see that. I don’t know how you survived growing up like that.”

“Why do you think I left?”

“My parents were like the exact opposite. They were around to the point of smothering us. My mother was one of those women who just like to talk. My dad was a real handy man wanna be. Total klutz but he was always trying to build stuff any ways. He really loved it when I took wood shop.”

“That sounds really nice. People have always thought that I have everything but I couldn’t tell you what it’s like to sit down and eat a meal as a family.”

“You’ll find out someday.”

“Yeah right. Can you see me ever settling down with a family and all that domestic shit?”

“Good point.”

“I don’t know about you but now would be an awesome time to smoke a massive blunt.”

“I second that. But we should go get some munchies first. There is not food in the house.”

“God damn it. Didn’t we just do groceries like two days ago?”

“Try a week and a half ago. At least.”

“Man... Where does the time go?”

“Maybe you should cut back on the illegal substances.”

“Fuck that.”

“Wonderful rebuttal. Now come on, we better get going before all the grocery stores close.”

“But I'm lazy. I don’t want to go out. I’ve already done my adventuring for the day. The world has had enough of me.”

“Fine, we’ll just order out.”

“Do you think anyone called the cops on us again?”

“Probably not. What’s the point? They’d just fine us for being a nuisance which doesn’t really mean anything to you or me. I think our neighbors are finally learning that.”

“I doubt it.” We sit in silence waiting to see if the popo’s will show up. Ten minutes and they still aren’t here, I think it’s safe to say they don’t care.

“Ray, why’d you stay so long?”

“What?”

“At home, I mean.”

“I left when I was fifteen. That’s sooner than most.”

“I would have gotten out of there as soon as I could. From the sounds of it that would have been pretty easy for you to do.”

“You have to understand that while it sucked I didn’t know it was supposed to be better. Everyone I knew had a really dysfunctional family in some way or another. All of us thought that those perfect families on tv were just an illusion and that no one could ever achieve that. Most of them thought I was the lucky one because I never had to deal with my parents not letting me do stuff.”

“That is some of the weirdest shit I have ever heard. Money really does make you fucked up.”

“That is does. If you’re born with it you don’t even know how fucked up you are.”

“My parents had money but they worked hard for it and they made sure we did the same for our pocket money. I remember setting up my little lemonade stand with my sister as a kid or doing the paper rout around my neighborhood so that I could buy coming books. Made my dad real proud.”

“Do you miss you parents?”

“All the time. They died when I was fourteen, basically forcing me to grow up in a day. It made me realize all the wasted time and ignored opportunities. There are so many things that I’ve missed out on doing with my parents.

Mom always worked late but she made sure to come talk to us every night before we fell asleep. I used to wait up for her but by the time I was fourteen I was pretty snotty and would rather do other things than talk to my mother. If I had known that she would be gone so soon I would have made more of an effort.”

“Wow. Your parents sound wonderful.”

“They were. I’m just sorry it took me so long to realize it.”

“You were a teenager, that’s perfectly normal.”

“That doesn’t make me feel any better.”

“I didn’t think it would.” The sun has sunken behind the roof line and the street light are on, attracting bugs by the hundreds. I watch Brody and feel kind of bad for letting this subject come up. He looks so lonely staring of into space.

“The bugs are out. We should go inside now.” He’s inside before I can really say anything, not that I would. Now is not the time for me to be a brat. He’s plucking at his guitar as I roll us a nice big doobie for the evening. This should take his mind off things. I don’t want him to be all mopey. It’s contagious.

“Do you think your parents miss you now that your are gone?”

“I don’t know. It’s hard to miss someone you don’t know.” I hand him the joint and lighter. It’s only fair that he go first.

“You think your parents don’t know you?”

“They couldn’t tell you my favorite colour. I mean I was calling my nanny ‘mommy’ until I was five.”

“What planet were your parents on when they decided to have kids?”

“Heh. It must have been the fad or something. If any my parents regret not being around but I don’t know if they would actually miss me.”

Figure D:

Ten Signs Your Best Friend is a Jerk:

1. “I’m really glad you meds are working now.”

2. “You know, you’re really ugly first thing in the morning.”

3. “I hope you don’t mind, I had sex in your bed while you were out last night.”

4. “Your tooth brush really comes in handy for scrubbing vomit off the bathroom floor.”

5. “I had a threesome with your sister/brother and best friend.”

6. “I borrowed your car. Sorry about the love stains.”

7. “Your mother called. I told her that you were too busy sniffing cocaine off a cheap hooker’s ass to come to the phone and that you’ll call her back never.

8. “Going to work drunk is a very good idea.”

9. “Your girlfriend is a dirty slut. To prove it, here is a tape of us doing it in the bathroom of a MacDonald's.”

10. “I noticed you’ve been kind of lonely lately so I place a personal ad for you. I hope you like S&M.”

Chapter 34:

Shits and Giggles.

Lina, my tall, regal, deeply tanned friend has come to visit me at the house. She is uncharacteristically clean. Her normally filth encrusted street clothes have been exchanged for new clothes. At least I think they are new, she’s gone at them with scissors already.

“Well well well, look at you! Things are definitely changing.”

“Heh yeah. I’m moving up in the world.”

“I never thought I’d see the day. You haven’t sold out have you?”

“Kind of. I got recruited by a modeling agency. Apparently I’m exotic looking which is all the rage in Paris and Milan.”

“Wow. How the mighty have fallen.”

“The money’s good and I get the chance to shake things up. Oh man do I annoy the other models. They are so snobby and hostile. I get all this attention and they know that I could care less. I hate the whole industry yet it loves me.”

“Good going. Want some tequila?”

“Do I ever!” She follows me into the kitchen where I start pouring an excessive amount of tequila and orange juice into shot glasses. Something out the window has caught here attention.

“What are you staring at?”

“Who is that gorgeous hunk of man beef out there?” Brody is swimming laps in the pool. I’d forgotten he is quite the chick magnet and that Lina would definitely be interested in him.

“Oh. That’s Brody.”

“Brody, you say?”

“Yeah, he’s a friend of Johnny’s.”
“He’s yummy. You hitting that?”

“No. He doesn’t put out for me.”

“Do you mind if I hit that?”

“He wont ever call you afterward. He’s the “fuck ‘em and forget ‘em” type.”

“Pfft. I don’t care. I don’t like my men calling me back unless it’s for more sex.” I’m feeling quite territorial at the moment. It’s one thing for those random bimbos to fawn all over him because I know that the next morning he wont even remember their names. But with Lina, she’s an actual threat. She’s always been my prettier friend. Stealing away all the attention guys might have paid me.

“I don’t even know if he’ll be interested. He’s a bit absent minded. I’ve seen total bombshells come on to him and he didn’t even give them a second thought.”

“Oh well. It doesn’t really matter. I’ve got a beefcake waiting for me in my hotel room.”

“You and your beefcake.” We’re getting loud and sloppy as the tequila hits us and burst of laughter come spilling out of us.

Brody comes in. His tan skin glistening. A short towel wrapped around his waist. He’s looking confused because just as he gets into the kitchen we happen to burst into more raucous laughter.

“Uh... Did I miss something?”

“You have - Dye all over your head and the sides of your face!” I can barely get the words out between gasps of laughter. He tries to wipe it off with his towel looking offended. “That’s what you get for using cheap dye.”

“I don’t want pink hair so I have to keep dying it. So I might as well use the cheap stuff.”

“What are you, jewish?” Lina burst out laughing at her own joke.

“We’re still as offensive as always I see. We’re not going anywhere. I don’t feel like getting beaten up today.”

“Aww, come on, you know you love me.”

“I love you but not enough to take a beating because of you.”

“Uh, Razor, aren’t you going to introduce your friend whom you did not warn me about? Or do you plan on keeping us strangers?”

“Oh yeah! I forgot. Brody, this is Lina. Bad ass female and conquerer of nations. And now a model apparently.”

“A model you say? She doesn’t look like someone who’d buy into all that bullshit.”

“She’s not and she can hear you.” Lina is not too impressed at the moment with him. “Why don’t you go back to looking pretty and keep your mouth shut.”

“Quite the mouth on her too.”

“Lina play nice. He isn’t just a pretty face. He’s got a nice ass too!” We burst into laughter at Brody’s expense. He is not looking like the happiest of boys ever.

“So you’re both ganging up on me now? I see how it is. Well I’ll just get out of your way then. I wouldn’t want to interrupt your girl talk.”

“Lina is staying the night, just so you know. So when you’re ordering food get extra. She eats like a fat kid.” He walks out of the kitchen with a pair of beers in each hand. We watch him go, appreciating the view.

“I don’t know about when he opens his mouth but he sure is nice to look at.”

“Brody isn’t always a people person. He is quite fun once you get to know him. He just wasn’t expecting to see you and I don’t think he likes having people sprung on him like that.”

“You always make friends with the strangest people.”

“I’m friends with you, aren’t I?”

“Yeah well no body is calling me normal. So what do you do for fun around here?”

“Not much. Wanna cocktail it up?” She smiles wickedly at me, a mischievous glimmer in her eyes.

“I knew there was I reason I always liked you.”

Sprawled out in the living room sipping more tequila and orange juice I remember what attracted me to her in the first place. I don’t know how to describe it exactly but she has this presence to her. No matter how badly you think of her you keep coming back for more. In the time I’ve known her I’ve sworn that I hate her with the passion of a thousand burning suns and felt justified in saying so at least three times. Yet when she called me up a couple weeks ago I couldn’t refuse her.

Looking at her I still see that filthy street kid causing trouble where ever she can find it. It’s strange how things have changed. I’m living in the ‘burbs and she’s some kind of super model. Both of us swearing we’d never leave the streets yet here we are. She’s laughing at something or other, I wasn’t paying attention to the drunken gibberish coming out of her mouth.

“What’s so funny?”

“Do you remember Burn with his spanky pants?”

“That kid was on another planet. I don’t know how many times we had to stop him from setting his clothes on fire.” I can’t help laughing at the memory of his goofy smile and gangly walk, burns all up his arms from some childhood accident.

“I hit that.”

“What?! How come you never told me?”

“I’m telling you now. Yeah, it was a couple months before he got locked up.”

“You will do anything that moves wont you. That kid was like fourteen back then.”

“He wasn’t that young. Was he?”

“You don’t pay attention to these things. One day you are going to get nailed for being a pedophile.”

“I’m not that bad!”

“So what brings him up any way?”

“I think he finally went up. Took a torch to himself with no one around to stop him.”

“Who told you?”

“I read a story in the news paper about some kid setting himself on fire. I figure it had to be him.”

“Since when do you read?”

“Shut up.”

“Seriously. I didn’t know you could read.”

“Shut up.” She still laughs even though I’m hitting a nerve. Lina has never been the smartest one. It’s not like she’s completely dumb. She’s just a little slow sometimes. She does have charisma by the bucket loads though, so that makes up for any other failings. That’s why she’s always been the dominant friend. She’s a little crazy too, that helps. I don’t know why she’s laughing now when I know she wants to break a bottle over my head. Maybe it’s because Brody just walked in and sat down on the lazy boy.”

“So what are you ladies up to?” I can smell the beer on him from where I am and I see the subtle changes in Lina. She’s got her cleavage positions perfectly for him to stare at as she leans towards him.

“We’re getting drunk.” Already, I know how the night is going to go. Lina has always been one to take sex over friends. I don’t know how many nights I’ve walked home alone because she picked someone up and took our cab money. I don’t want her doing this with Brody. Not in this house.

“Lina. If you are going to start that shit her then go home.”

“What shit?” She plays innocent and I want to throw something at her.

“You know exactly what shit I’m talking about. You are not going to fuck Brody.” Brody sprays been all over himself but for now is forgotten in the back ground.

“Oh, so you just want to keep him for yourself than.”

“No, I’m tired of every night we spend together ending with you going off to screw some guy while I’m left alone and completely forgotten.”

“I didn’t realize you felt that way. I’ll be leaving now.” She stand up and stomps off, taking my tequila with her. The door slams and Brody and I are quiet for a moment.

“I miss the old days.”

“What was that?”

“That was me showing some spine. She’s made that she’s not getting laid but she’ll get over it soon enough.” My mood is ruined and the only thing I can think to do is go sleep off the tequila.

Vignette: Brody setting off car alarms.

Not that she had any intention of sleeping but the constant noise of car alarms was starting to drive Razor crazy. All the honking and beeping just didn’t work for her. Pulling on a sweatshirt she decided to go investigate the disturbance. What she found was Brody with a baseball bat coming out of hiding after the neighbors went back inside. She whistled to get his attention and they met up under the street lamp.

“What on earth are you doing?” She tried to keep her voice as hushed as possible.

“I’m stirring up trouble. Aren’t you proud of me?”

“Any particular reason?”

“Not really. Just felt like being a nuisance.”

“You’ve been spending too much time around me. Now come inside with me. All this noise is driving me up the wall.”

“Can we have popcorn?”

“Sure.” They headed inside, Razor took the bat away from Brody to make sure he wouldn’t get any ideas around her beloved GTO. Inside, the bat was carefully hidden away in the basement along with all the other incriminating evidence of their misdeeds in the neighborhood.

Chapter 27:

Snip! Snip!

“You getting hairy, boy.” Brody is sitting at the kitchen table intently focused on consuming this giant sloppy sandwich he’s made for himself when I turn the clippers on right beside his ear.

“What the fuck are you doing?!” Half chewed food comes spraying out of his mouth.

“I thought I’d shave the sides of your head for you. They are getting quite hairy.” I start rubbing the side of his head. He wolfs down the rest of his sandwich in two comically large bites, paranoid that I’d start shaving him right away and get hair in his food.

Bringing the clippers towards his head he compulsively jerks away from me. I try again and he does the same thing. Sighing in frustration I switch the clippers off.

“What’s the matter? You don’t like the noise?”

“No, it’s not that.”

“Then what is it?”

“I’m just kind of jumpy when people get close to me with things that can cut me. It’s an old childhood trauma. Let’s just say one of the kids on my block grew up to be a psychopath.”

“Well, look,” Thrusting my hand out so he can see how not shaky my hands are, “I’m only a little high so I’m pretty stable. And if you have doubts about my abilities with a razor, I’m the one who shaves Johnny’s head on a regular basis. Him and a bunch of other people.”

“So that’s where you got you handle.”

“Exactly.” Turning the clippers back on I grab hold of his head and start shaving him. Hair falls over his shoulders and front. It’s a good thing he’s only wearing a beater and shorts although I should have thought to throw a towel or something over him.

“You better not fuck it up. My hair is my pride.”

“The you better sit still, pretty boy.” It takes me a couple minutes to get all the hair. When I am finished his hands fly up to check that his hair is all still there. He heads off to the bathroom to check out my work.

“Why are you following me?”

“Because I’m not done with you yet.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. I’m gonna go at your head with a straight razor to get rid of all the stubble.”

“Uh uh. No way am I letting you near me or my head with anything that sharp. I don’t trust you not to cut me and I’d like to keep my blood inside me.”

“I’m not going to cut you.”

“How do you know that? You don’t shave.” I pull up my pant leg to show him a nice smooth calf.

“I shaved last night.” He tentatively reaches out to feel my leg with his calloused finger tips. The look on his face is one of childlike amazement.

“So... Smooth.”

“I can make you head feel like that. So don’t worry. Your head is safe. I’ve been shaving since I was twelve. Now sit. I’m going to shave you whether you like it or not.” I’ve got him sitting on the toilet with a bowl full of water in his lap as I go at his head with a disposable razor.

“Why are you so set on shaving my head?”

“Because I felt like it.”

“That’s it? You just woke up and decided ‘Hey, I’m going to shave Brody’s head today’? And I’m supposed to believe that?”

“Sure. I like cutting hair. I used to want to be a hair dresser when I was still in school.”

“But not anymore?”

“Eh. My life’s taken a different direction now. I mean, I had a lot of fun cutting the girls’ hair at school but I’m not there anymore. I’ll do it sometimes but it’s not what I want to do with my life.”

“What do you want to do with your life?”

“I don’t know. I figure I’ll keep doing what I’m doing and see where life takes me. You?”

“The same thing I guess. I figure once Johnny gets back I’ll start traveling around again. There are still a lot of places I haven’t seen.”

“That’s cool.” I finish with his head and rub it dry with a towel. He’s feeling his head up, looking quite pleased with the job I did.

“How do you get it so smooth?”

“Magic.”

“Well feel free to work your voodoo on my head any time you like.” He’s picking me up and throwing me over his shoulder before marching off to his room where he dumps me on his bed.

“Candy?” I’m offered some E which I take more than willingly. It’s a fun afternoon in this kind of waking dream state with Brody. We swim and crawl around each other, all our senses heightened.

When I wake up, it’s in an awkward position as Brody has just shoved me off him so he can get up. I’m still feeling slightly affected by the E so I follow him down to the living room. We’re watching MTV or some shit like that. I’m not really paying attention.

“I could really go for some mac and cheese.” He’s rubbing his bare belly.

“Ew. How can you be thinking of food at a time like this?”

“What? I’m hungry. I haven’t eaten in too long.”

“I can’t even stomach the thought of food right now.”

“That’s your loss. I’m going to make me some mac and cheese.”

“You do that. I’m going to get some fresh air.” I start to get up and am overwhelmed by a fit of laziness. There is a loud ruckus coming from the kitchen as Brody searches out the right sized pot.

“Jesus fucking Christ! You’re not allowed to fucking cook any more. You’re stinking up the whole god damn house!”

“I’m boiling water, you fucking crack whore.” He turns the fan on anyway, probably paranoid that I’ll come in there and start to beat on him while he’s cooking. The TV is flashing at me seductively. Bright colors in sequence, faces smiling or frowning or growling at me. I’m intranced by it. Brody startles me out of my trance when he sits down beside me with his huge pot of mac and cheese.

“Don’t eat that shit near me.”

“Come one, you know you want some.” He shoves the pot in my face. The smell alone turns my stomach and I start to gag.

“Keep that near me and I’ll vomit in it.”

“You’re no fun.” I can barely understand his words through the food packed into his cheeks. The sound effects accompanying his wolfing down the food are getting on my nerves. A resounding smack is heard as I slap him in the face.

“Modern day Amazon. Where did this fire come from?”

“You are getting on my nerves, you little bastard. At least you were clever enough to only piss me off after I went at your head with sharp objects.”

“Well my beautiful raging angel, I need to go shoot up. Finish this for me.” For some reason when he hands me the pot I am suddenly starving. Shoveling forkfuls of cheesy pasta into my face, everything is ugly again. I hear a thud above me of Brody falling back in bliss. I put the TV on mute.

Figure E:

Hash Brownies

Adapted from the Anarchist's Cookbook.

1/2 cup flour

3 tablespoons shortening

2 tablespoons honey

1 egg (beaten)

1 tablespoon water

1/2 cup marijuana

pinch of salt

1/4 teaspoon baking powder

1/2 cup sugar

2 tablespoons corn syrup

1 square melted chocolate

1 teaspoon vanilla

1/2 cup chopped nuts

Sift flour, baking powder, and salt together. Mix shortening, sugar, honey, syrup, and egg. Then blend in chocolate and other ingredients, and mix well. Spread in an 8-inch pan and bake for 20 minutes at 350 degrees.

Additional note: these brownies will take a while to set in; the high is slow is long. To speed things up, sautee' the marijuana in a little vegetable oil prior to mixing in. This heat-activates the thc and also spreads it throughout the mixture.

Alternately, you can use hash oil or hash itself, thus making them truly hash brownies, instead of pot brownies.

Source: 33:

And a Wandering We shall Go!

Brody’s in the living room with all sorts of things spread out in front of him neatly. I’d spent the better part of the last half hour listening to him puttering around the house, talking to himself.

“You going somewhere?” I’m thinking it’s a little bit too early for his insanity but I have to ask. His tomfoolery has a tendency to involve me so it’s nice to know what’s going on.

“We are going on an adventure.”

“I knew I shouldn’t have asked.” He’s trying to run through a mental check list. I think he would have an easier time if he’s written it down.

“Now let’s see, blankets, vodka, energy drink, flash lights, party favors, brownies, bug spray. What else do we need? You’ve got a backpack, right? ‘Cause I’m not carrying all this by myself.”

“Yeah...”

“Good. And you might want to wear your stomping boots where we’re going.”

“Where are we going?”

“We are returning to the wilderness for a couple of days.”

“And that’s all you plan on taking?”

“I was in the army. I remember my survival training.”

“I’m not eating bugs. We’re bringing more food.”

“But what about hunting rabbit?”

“You aren’t catching anything with that much alcohol.”

“Shhh. We’re going to be walking a lot. If you want to carry the food then you are welcome to bring it along.”

“Fine. We’ll let you return to the primal manimal you are deep down inside.” He’s starting to pack stuff into a sturdy but beaten up bag that I’m sure has seen more than its fare share of adventures.

“Dude, go get your bag. We need to pack up and get going soon.” I don’t know if he’s flipped his lid or what. Just yesterday I couldn’t have gotten him off the couch if I had set fire to the damn thing. I have no idea how this is going to end but it’ll sure be interesting.

We’re walking through a field with these heavy ass bags full of supplies after winding through the streets and cutting through more than a few back yards.

“So what inspired this random excursion out into buttfuck nowhere and why’d you have to drag me along?”

“I just had to get way from civilization for a bit. I couldn’t stand being surrounded by all that capitalist bullshit and government control.”

“So what, you some kind of anarchist or something?”

“I guess you could say that if you want.”

“The why the hell are we living out in the suburbs?”

“What is it with you and the suburbs?”

“It’s the whole mentality people get when they live here. It makes me sick. And it only gets worse the richer the area.”

“Yeah. I just like it out here better than in the city because it’s easier to get out into the wilderness.”

“But the ‘burbs are so dead. Everyone here is living these prepackaged lives. At least in the city you can find genuine people.”

“I don’t like people too much. I’d rather avoid them when possible.”

“So then why do you still have me around? You could have left me back at the house and gotten yourself some alone time.”

“I like individuals. Besides, if you weren’t around I’d spend too much time in my head and that isn’t always a good thing.”

“I know what you mean.”

We keep walking for a couple hours before Brody decides it’s late enough in the day to break out the vodka. It’s about a third of a bottle to reach the woods we’ve been heading towards all day.

“Do you remember which bag we put the bug spray in?” He’s trying to feel up his bag without taking it off.

“No, why?”

“Because I just remembered that the bugs are going to eat me alive if I don’t put any bug spray on right now.”

“Why didn’t you put some on when you got the alcohol out?”

“Because that would have been the logical thing to do.”

“Well we can stop and look for it or we can keep walking and finish this bottle.” He stands there contemplating our options for a minute before grabbing the bottle and taking a long swig.

“Let’s just keep walking. I’m too lazy to go through my bag. I’m sure the alcohol will drive away the bugs.”

“Or the fact that you’ve been too lazy to shower all week.”

“Hey, you’re no better than I am. At least I go swimming so the only thing I smell of is chlorine.”

“Shut up, Mr. Fly food.” He glares at me while smacking a misquito on his neck.

It’s getting pretty dark but I don’t think Brody notices. I’m sure he’d be content to walk through the night. I haven’t the slightest clue where we’re going but my feet hurt and I'm getting cold. I think it’s time we stop.

“Brody.” I stop in my tracks but he keeps walking until he notices I’m not beside him any more.

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s getting pretty dark. Don’t you think we ought to stop for the night?”

“Yeah but we have to find a clearing first so we can light a fire and what not.”

“Oh.”

“You’ve never been camping before, have you?”

“Nope.”

“Well I’m glad that I brought you along. it’s always good to have new experience.”

It’s dark and we haven’t found a clearing yet. I’m fucking cold, entirely too sober and I’m pretty sure my boots have made my feet start to bleed.

“Okay. It’s dark. We’re not going to find a clearing let’s just give up on the idea of a fire.” The only reason I know I haven’t lost Brody is because I can still hear him. He’s stopped walking and is rummaging through his bag. Out comes the flash lights.

“We need fire if we want to stay warm through the night. If you are tire I can give you something to pep you up.”

“Yes please.” He hands me some ecstasy. Always handing me ecstasy. We keep walking. He’s singing to himself, cheerful and alert. The cold doesn’t bother him or else he’s just so glad to be out here that nothing can touch him.

“See look, there is a clearing up a head. And you were worried.”

“Yeah, yeah. We still have to start the fire. Which I’m going to leave that up to you because every fire I’ve started either went out right away or burnt the whole place down.”

“You need to learn the art of fire pits. That’s what keeps the fire from spreading.” Brody is making a fire pit in the centre of the clearing which is basically a shallow hole with rocks around it. That makes a lot of sense. I wonder why I hadn’t thought of that before. WOuld have saved me a lot of trouble.

“Instead of just standing there why don’t you go find us some wood to burn?”

“But... It’s dark out there.”

“You have a flash light.”

“I’m going to get eaten alive in the dark. I can’t go out there alone.”

“You wander around some of the most dangerous parts of town by yourself late at night yet you wont got ten feet into the forest by yourself.”

“That’s different. It’s not nearly as dark in the city with all the light pollution. Plus I’m well known around there so people don’t touch me. Wild animals are the same way.”

“Just go out there and get some fire wood.” I glare at him before timidly creeping into the forest. Every sound making me flinch. In the dark I have trouble differentiating the patterns my eyes make from the scenery, making finding wood quite the challenge. I make sure not to go very far because I don’t doubt that I will get lost even at just ten feet away. I am never taking E in a forest ever again.

The fire jumps and dances before us. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I can’t take my eyes off it. Brody is sitting behind me, wrapped around me. We didn’t bring enough blankets so this is the best way to keep warm.

“Do you still hate me for dragging you out here with me?” His voice is quiet and smooth in my ear.

“No. I’d be stuck alone in a big empty house.”

“That’s why you like the city, isn’t it? It’s hard to find yourself alone.”

“I’d never thought about it like that. Why do you have this aversion to people?”

“It’s more this aversion people have to me. There is so much bullshit that people believe in and because I don’t think the same way, it’s like I’m not welcome. I don’t hang out with more punks or anarchist because there is this purest vibe that I hate. Everyone has think the same way or get out.”

“So you’d rather be out here where no one can tell you you’re wrong or disagree with you?” That makes him laugh, I like the way it feels.

“You make me sound so bad. I don’t care if people disagree with me. It’s when they judge me badly for my views.”

“Uh huh. Wouldn’t it be simpler not to be so opinionated?”

“You can’t just decide not to believe in things. That would be like walking through life with your eyes shut.”

“Well no one listens to me any way.” I want to sleep. I’ve been awake for going on twenty three hours. Leaning back I close my eyes. I feel his stubble on my cheek and can smell the vodka on his breath. Maybe he’s going to say something. Maybe he’s going to lick me or something to bother me. I don’t know why he’s so close to me. We’re both wasted so it doesn’t matter. I fall asleep before anything more can happen.

Figure F:

Top Ten Ways to Creep Out your Neighbors

10. Start hosting weekly transvestite support groups.

9. Knock on your neighbor’s door asking to borrow a cup of lamb’s blood.

8. Walk your vicious pet ferret and insist that your neighbors pet him.

7. Paint your hours with blindingly bright colors chosen at random.

6. Allow a strong odor to permeate from your garage and deny smelling anything.

5. Leave empty bottles of bleach and blood soaked towels and sheets at the end of your driveway on garbage day.

4. Spend all day sitting on your porch in boxers with a shot gun in your hands.

3. Board up all your windows and only come out after dark.

2. Trick your neighbors into thinking they killed your cat and then have them see your cat alive and well the next day.

1. Never cut your grass. Ever.

Chapter 35:

Little Miss Nobody

Moments like this make me realize how much things have changed for me. It used to be we’d smoke a joint to get away from the chaos of the streets. It was one of the few ways to relax. Sitting on Brody’s bed coming off a good high, I am completely calm like at no other time in my life. I don’t have anything I need relaxing from. There are no long nights or bad days. I don’t need to worry about where I’m going to crash or getting ripped off. It’s a really nice feeling but I’m not sure how satisfied I am with it.

Coming back to earth I start to focus on my hands playing with Brody’s hair. His long red hair. I don’t remember it being so long. He should let me cut it for him. That need to fill the quiet, to be talking just to make sure I’m still visible is rising. Brody always likes the quiet but he never lived in an empty house. Not the way I have. He doesn’t know what it’s like to fade into the wall paper.

“We need to get back into the city for a bit, I think. All this mundane cookie cutter life is wearing me down. What do you think about driving out to some all weekend rave in the old neighborhood?”

“I say go for it. If that’s what you want to do you shouldn’t just sit around thinking about it. Go out and do it.”” Sage advice from Brody but it doesn’t sound like he is too interested.

“I’m suggesting this because I was hopping you’d come with me.”

“You know that’s not really my scene. Maybe we’ll do something another weekend but I’m not going to a rave. I hate those kinds of people.”

“But you’ll get to see me dance.”

“ So? I’ve seen you dance before a million times. That’s not really a good incentive for me to drive two hours just for that.” Why does he have to be so stubborn. I know if he’d just come with me he’d have fun.

“Come on. You need to get out of here as much as I do. We haven’t had any excitement in a while.”

“I really don’t. This place is just fine for me. A person doesn’t need excitement all the time. Peace and quiet are important too. It’s hard to contemplate oneself when everything is moving so fast. Thank you for the offer but I’d rather stay here with my thoughts. You are more than free to get out of her on your own when ever you want. I know Johnny said to keep an eye on you but that doesn’t mean you are chained here.”

“I stay because you need me as much as I need you.” He leans back with a deep sigh.

“Look, you’re good company and we’ve had some really good times that I wont be forgetting any time soon but we’ve still only known each other for a relatively short time. I can say that at times I’m very relieved to have you around but I can’t say I need you. I’m sorry.” The pit of my stomach turns to ice and I feel really stupid. I wish I could take back that last sentence. I certainly don’t know what to say next.

“If it makes you feel better you are by far one of my favorite distractions from all the realities I don’t want to face.”

“My world is bright and sunny now.” I’m such a child in his presence. The reject stings and I don’t know why I didn’t expect it. How could a guy who barely opens up to me without prodding really need me for anything? My own stupidity pisses me off the most. Being in this room is making me sick. I get up and leave before the conversation goes any further.

My room is my refuge. Some how I’ve come to believe that these four walls can shelter me from all the bad things I don’t want to face. Sitting on my bed dealing with a volatile mix of emotions the idea of leaving becomes all the more appealing. Pulling out my old bag I have to wonder if I can really go back to life before. So many of the tribe are gone now. I’m not even packing the same things as I would have once. Everything is less practical. I’m burdened down by memories and irrational attachments. There are too many things for me to take.

Who am I kidding thinking I can hack is on the streets now? My crew is gone and I am too far gone from that life style. I feel so lost. My street cred has been my identity for so long and its gone just like that. Who the hell am I then? The Great Razor is not so great any more.

“What’s keeping you here? I have to wonder sometimes why you haven’t left yet.” Brody is standing in my door way with his arms crossed, the braids I put in his hair still there.

“Where am I supposed to go, Brody? I can’t go back to the Warehouse or to Johnny. The streets would eat me alive and I certainly can’t go back to my parents. I hate it here because it’s the only place I have left.” The words just rush out of me. Anger bubbles up at Brody for making me face this. He should have left me alone is all I can thins as hot tears starting to slide down my cheeks. He’s still looking at me with that calmly serious expression.

“You have more options than you allow yourself.”

“Oh yeah? Like what?”

“Have you ever thought about setting out to make a life for yourself off the streets? You don’t have to always be dependent on someone.”

“Maybe that’s just the way I am. I’m not like you. If I don’t have people in my life than what have I got?”

“You live a bleak existence. One of these days you’re going to realize that and it’s going to kill you.”

“What do you care how I live my life? I’m going to die young anyway so you can just fuck off.”

“I guess your pretty set in your ways so it doesn’t matter what I say.”

“I’m glad we understand each other.” He’s shaking his head walking away. What does he know anyway? I hate how trapped I’ve become. It feels like I’m staring at a dead end, confused that I can’t move forward. I don’t want to face this. Slipping a tab of acid on my tongue I put on some music while waiting for that boost of confidence that kicks in with the trip.

Vignette: Watching Brody shoot up.

It was the middle of the night. He almost always did this in the middle of the night these days. Brody sat cross legged on the floor of the living room where he was cooking up a hit. It was unusual for him to do it there. He probably wanted to listen to music or something. Razor sat curled up on the couch with a book and he didn’t seem to be aware of her. She watched as he tied his arm off and proceeded to find a vein to stick the needle in. There was a momentary look of discomfort on his face before bliss took over. Moving to crouch in front of him, she was staring intently into his eyes. There was a moment of complete stillness in the house as they looked into each other before Brody fell onto her in a clumsy hug. She didn’t know what to make of it and nearly fell over. He was acting strange and it was weirding her out but there was nothing she could do.

Chapter 37:

Mainlining Life.

Brody’s room is cleaner than mine yet I can’t find the one thing I’m looking for. His system of organization is backwards and makes no sense at all. I’m looking for his rig. Brody seems to enjoy it so much I want to try the junk too. Just once. I don’t think I can handle a full time addiction. All those needles would get to me, most likely.

Going through pockets I find change, guitar picks and other assorted trinkets. No heroin. I haven’t a clue where he could have put his stack. I know it’s got to be around her somewhere. Nothing frustrates me more than not being able to find the thing I am looking for. If this were my room I’d be tearing the place apart but Brody would have my head if I made a mess of his place. As it is if I get caught going through his things he’ll probably have my ass for dinner. Not in a dirty way of course.

“Can I help you?” He’s standing there watching me go through his clothes. I freeze, a kid caught with her hand in the cookie jar.

“I was just looking for your stash.”

“What for?”

“I want to try it.”

“No. No way. That’s absolutely out of the question.”

“Why can’t I?”

“Because knowing you and your addictive personality, you’ll get hooked. I don’t want that on my conscience. There are too many people who got hooked because of me already. I’m not adding you to that list.”

“I just want to try it once. I’ll never do it again. It just looks so fun. Please let me try it!”

“There is no way I will be the one to give you your first hit.”

“You know I can always get it somewhere else. It’ just safer to get it from you.” Heh, play the safety card. That’s what always worked on Johnny.

“Actually, you can’t get it from any of your other contacts. Johnny’s talked to them all and they can’t sell you any of that junk.”

“What he do that for?”

“Johnny cares enough not to let you get hooked on something like heroin. It fucks you up worse than any of the shit you take now. Believe me I know. If I could go back in time and take back that first hit I would and I’d be so much better for it.”

“I’m not going to get addicted. I have more will power than that.”

“No you don’t. Look at how much shit you take a week. You’re up to like twenty pills a week. And don’t you try and pull any of that “I’m not addicted” bullshit with me. I’ve heard it all before.”

“I can stop if I want to.”

“Prove it then.” Brody’s suddenly really hard. I’ve never seen him like this before. It frightens me but I’m not backing down. Not until I get what I want. I always get what I want. I always get what I want.

“I don’t want to stop. I'm just saying if I wanted to I could.”

“You are so full of shit.”

“Yeah, well you are such a hypocrite. Now show me where your stash is!”

“No. Get the fuck out of my room.”

“Quit being a selfish jerk and share already. I share with you.”

“I’m not sticking any needles in you. Get out of here. Go find something else to do.”

“Asshole. There is nothing else to do around here but get fucked up.”

“I don’t want to hear you talking about this again. Heroin is not for you. End of discussion.”

“Fucking jerk. I’ll get it one way or another.” Muttering to myself I head downstairs to go make some phone calls. I’ll get some junk shot into my veins one way or another and there is nothing anyone, not Brody, not Johnny, can do about it.

Chapter 20:

I’ll Jump You While You’re Sleeping.

The cab drops me off outside my beautifully colourful house sometime in the early morning hours. I’ve been out partying on the town but have had to come home early because the scene seemed awfully dead with no hope of resuscitation. So I’m home and still fucked up on E. Filled with all sorts of energy that can’t be expended on my own. The night is cool, crisp. The stars are out and I find myself laying on the over grown lawn. If my need for physical contact were not so urgent I could stay like this for the rest of the night with the stars winking and dancing for me.

Pulling myself up I stumble into the house, kicking off my shoes somewhere in between. The house is considerably warmer than outside. I struggle off some of the few articles of clothing leaving me more than a little exposed. The feeling of the walls under my finger tips as I slink upstairs sends shivers down my spine. Coming to Brody’s room where he is quietly sleeping a wicked smile creeps over my face.

My hands leap to life greedily as I crawl into bed with him. I’m feeling him up, on top of him, kissing and sucking at his neck. He comes awake with arms around me, returning my kisses. Soon enough our mouths find each other. Even in the dark I see his eyes are closed with pleasure. I am good at what I do. His hands strip off what little I am still wearing anxiously. Caressing me softly, his hands are warm and sure. The sensation is near orgasmic. I can’t help laughing pleasurably.

At my laughter his hands freeze and his eyes snap open. The light comes on blinding me for a moment. IN the moment I find myself in the bed alone.

“What are you doing?!” His face is flushed red and he does not look at me directly until I cover up with the sheet.

“I think it’s obvious.” I’m laying back seductively, inviting him to come back to bed wordlessly.

“What the hell is wrong with you? It’s the middle of the night and I was sleeping. Why would you come into my bed like that?”

“I was lonely and we’ve been living together for a while now. We were bound to have sex eventually.”

“No! Where the hell do you get these crazy ideas?”

“It’s not crazy. You’re a guy and I’m a girl. It makes perfect sense. ANd besides, I know you like it. I don’t know why you are so freaked out.”

“I’m freaked out because my room mate fucked up on E just tried to jump my bones!”

“So are you saying you’ve never thought of me as more than just Johnny’s adoptive street kid?”

“If Johnny finds out I’ve touched you in any way inappropriately he will castrate me!”

“So?”

“I like my balls where they are thank you very much!”

“Come on, just get back into bed. You wanted this not a minute ago.”

“No, no I didn’t. You took advantage of the fact that I was asleep. If I wanted to sleep with you I would have already slept with you, a while ago. I’m not getting back into that bed as long as you are in it.”

“What’s the matter? Am I not attractive enough for you?”

“I don’t fuck my friends. Especially when they are as twisted as you are right now. I don’t fuck girls who will regret it in the morning. You don’t want to fuck me. You just want to fuck so I suggest you go call up one of your junkie friends because you wont be getting a quick fuck out of me.”

“Fine then, you big jerk. I’ll just go masturbate for a while. It’s just one small favour. I’ve never known a guy to turn down this kind of proposition before. There is something wrong with you.”

“Just get out of my space already. I don’t want to sleep on the couch but I will if I have to.” Taking the sheet with me I get up and collect my clothes that have been tossed half-hazzardly across the room. He grabs my arm as I pass by him to leave.

“This better not happen again. Ever.” The anger in his glare is almost palpable. I march from his room defeated. I’m still horny as hell but don’t have the heart to do anything with that energy after being shot down so vehemently by Brody.

It’s really a crushing blow to my confidence. Up until then I had felt attractive enough to be able to get any guy I want. No one ever turned me down before. The rejection cuts me to the core. I’m glad I’ll be on my downer soon because this is turning into a bad night. I’m feeling really raw right now. Thinking back to all the other guys I’ve had and how messed up they were at the time. It makes me think that more than half the guys only slept with me because they were horny and I was more than eager. I’m a cheap slut. There is no challenge to getting into my pants.

Feeling dirty, I head to the bathroom to lock myself in there instead of locking myself in my room. Crying in the shower seems more suitable than crying into my pillow. I stand under the water long after the hot water has run out. Snapping out of my daze I step out of the bathtub to face my reflection in the mirror. What I see does not please me. Long stringy blue black hair. Pale, pale blotchy skin. Shaking blue lips. Tiny breasts. Grotesquely skinny limbs with a concave stomach. I can count each of my rips without having to feel myself up. I really am unattractive. It makes sense that I’ve never had a real relationship. No one is attracted enough to me to want to get any closer.

My ego is none existent. I am questioning whether I get invited to parties because I am easy. Am I the communal whore? The guaranteed lay. I have slept with all of my male friends but Johnny and Brody. Maybe I should stop doing that.

Come to think of it there are more than a few people who would have nothing to do with me if they hadn’t fucked me. It’s time to start questioning a lot of my friendships. Time to find out who is friends with me for who I am or for the sex. I’m not going to let anyone take advantage of my body anymore. From now on I’m going to do my best to make it more of a challenge to get into my pants. Otherwise I don’t know how I will be able to keep respecting myself. I can’t even respect myself now, knowing how much of a dirty whore I am.

Still dripping wet I wrap myself up in the sheet and head to my room to flop down on the bed to cry some more. I’m not going to be able to face Brody for a while. It’d be best for me to just stay in my room where I am safely hidden away from the would. From my reputation. Nothing but my bed, music and all the things closet to my heart.

I should apologize to Brody. He was right to get mad. I can’t even remember what I was thinking at the time. When I can face him again. I’ll apologize, I don’t know when that will be. It’s going to be a long night.

Chapter 30:

Just Hear Me Out.

“Brody... We need to talk.” I’m knocking on his door which is closed for the first time ever. He wont respond. There is hardly any noise coming from inside. I try the door but it’s locked. This is not at all like him. Even without the speed I’d be freaking out. My paranoia’s got me thinking that this is just him being mad at me for the other night.

“Come on, will you pleas talk to me...?” I’m pleading through the door to what seems like an empty room. For all I know he’s snuck out the window and has run off somewhere to get away from me. If it weren’t for the occasional shuffle or cough I’d really think he did run off. Despite knowing that Brody would never break his word to Johnny. Those two have been through too much together.

Leaning against the door and slumping to the ground I’m ready to start crying. Why doesn’t he answer? He can’t be mad enough to stop talking to me.

“Fucking... I’m sorry! I’m a dumb ass, we both know it. Just come out and talk to me. Don’t be mad at me. I didn’t know what I was doing.” This is me feeling stupid. I really don’t know what I was thinking when I decided to try and fuck him. But he can’t just ignore me like this. That’s dumb.

Banging my head on the door continuously I’m at a loss as to how to fix this situation. Brody is supposed to be my lovable puppy but he’s been so different lately. I don’t know what’s going on. We never really talk anymore. Well, I talk. He doesn’t show any interest in what I have to say. It’s like talking to a wall. He wont even smoke up with me anymore. It used to be I couldn’t roll a joint without him magically appearing to help me “dispose of it” as he would say. I don’t know who this stranger is but I want the old Brody back. The fun Brody.

“Why wont you fucking talk to me?!” I slam my fist on the door one last time before getting up. The impact leaves a tingling in my knuckles which I ignore.

The kitchen seems unusually bright for this time of day. It feels like it should be night time already. I spent an eternity waiting for Brody to come out. Either way it’s time to make brownies. I like brownies. They make everything better. Especially the magical kind. Mixing ingredients together, I’m making a mess. I don’t really care. Brody’s the one who’s anal about cleanliness and he’s being a jerk right now so fuck him. Half the fun in baking is making a mess anyway. These brownies are going to be extra chocolaty. They are taking too long to cook though. I want them to be ready now. I want to be high. High as a kite. Yay for flying.

Ding goes the timer and it’s another eternity for them to cool. Then it’s slicing and eating time. Mmm... How I love eating. As I’m shoving brownies into my face it occurs to me that Brody would probably want some. I would be rude of me not to share. So it’s back up the stairs to know on his door.

“Brody? Um... I made some brownies and I was just wondering if you want some. They’re still warm and everything.” I wait but he doesn’t answer. He doesn’t open the door or anything. It’s as though he can’t even hear me. Maybe I haven’t been speaking at all. “Well, I’m just going to leave them in front of your door. Just because you are mad at me shouldn't stop you from enjoying some delicious magic brownies.” Leaving the dish by his door I retreat to my room to burn incense and other random things.

Sound travels really well in this house. As I’m sitting on my threadbare rug, naked, folding origami men I hear something being kicked down the upstairs hallway. Followed by quick irregular boot stomping down the stairs. There is a crash of something being knocked over and then what sounds like Brody throwing up. The front door opens but never shuts. I wrap myself in a blanker and go to investigate. I reach the front door just in time to see Brody getting into a black van looking for all the world as if he were about to die.

I shut the front door and lock it.

Chapter 16:

Fruitloops and Avocados Dipped in Peanut Butter.

It’s mid day. I just smoked some really good pot and now I’ve got the munchies hardcore. The pantry is as it almost always seems to be; completely devoid of anything even slightly palatable. In the fridge there are the perpetually present boxes of chinese take out and pizza. I want fruit or cereal or something sweet like marshmallows and fruitloops in peanut butter with avocado in greek salad dressing. We need to get food into this house. I debate going up to Brody’s room to convince him to go out and fetch us food. I don’t know if he will be willing since only days ago I couldn’t even get him to leave his room. Then I remember hearing him messing about in the kitchen last night so I’ll try my luck.

He’s sitting on the floor strumming his guitar and looking quite rested if not slightly worse for wear. I stand in the doorway still wary about entering his room.

“There is nothing worth eating in our domicile.” He doesn’t stop playing or look up.

“Then go get some food at the grocery store. The car keys and some money are on the table by the front door.”

“You’re the one who likes food. I was just letting you know in case you got hungry.” The thought of going out to a place like the grocery store while high ties knots in my stomach. I resent him for not taking my hint and offering to go. He used to be such a gentleman to me. Going back to my room I’ve still got the munchies but not bad enough to actually make the trip into the outside world. There is too much noise and colour and people out there my mind would explode from over stimulation the moment I step into the grocery store. I am busy looking through the mess in my room to see if maybe I have something remotely edible laying around when Brody comes in. It’s been a while since he’s actually sought me out or come into my room.

“Since when do you not like food?”

“Since we started eating nothing but chinese take out and pizza for weeks on end.”

“What’s wrong with chinese food and pizza?”

“I’m sick of it, that’s what!” Throwing things around, my search becomes more frantic. He’s stupid questions are stressing me out.

“What are you looking for?”

“Anything. Nothing. I don’t know.” I sit down on the bed and look at him feeling suddenly tired. My buzz is effectively wrecked. He’s studying me as if this is the first time he’s really looked at me in a long time. Quite possibly it is.

“Come on. We’re going to the grocery store. We’ll stock up on enough stuff so you wont have to eat chinese food or pizza any more.

“You go ahead without me. I’m not in the mood to go out today.”

“But don’t you remember how much fun we used to have at the food store with all those soccer moms milling about?”

“Go torment them without me, you buzz killer.”

“You’re the one who is the killjoy here. Now get dressed you are coming with me if I have to drag you kicking and screaming the whole way there.”

“What’s wrong with what I’ve got on now?”

“Those boxers are getting pretty raunchy and the hole in the butt does nothing for you. Not to mention you’ve got yeti legs.”

“It’s hot out, I’m going to wear shorts. I don’t care what you have to say about my hairy legs. Men don’t have to shave their legs so why should I?”

“Fine. But you wouldn’t be so hot without that big hoody on.”

“My hoody protects me from the creepy soccer moms and their over programmed robot children.”

“You are so weird.” He leaves the room to allow me to find clothes that I deem suitable to wear on our adventure into house wife country. If this trip is indeed to have fun then I’m going to dress as much like I freak as I can with sandals, argyle knee socks, a clean pair of brightly colored plaid boxers and rainbow suspenders. Being an eyesore is fun.

I feel like I am stepping out into a whole different planet as we walk into the bright sun. I am glad I have my sunglasses with me as I pull up my hoody to shadow as much of my face as possible. A surreal feeling overcomes me as we drive through the neighborhood to the lawblaws.

“Why are we going to Lawblaws? The IGA has a better selection.”

“This place is closer. You said you didn’t want to go out so I figured this was the logical choice.”

“Fuck that. Let’s go where the better food is.”

“We’re almost at Lawblaws. I’m not turning around so we’re stuck with what we are stuck with.”

“Fine, but if they don’t have the right kind of chocolate than we’re going to the IGA.” I cross my arms as to reinforce my point. He’s laughing at me.

“You are retarded.” I stick my tongue out at him.

It’s a blast of cold air as we enter Lawblaws through the automatic doors. I’m glad I’m wearing my hoody.

“So where do we start?” Brody shrugs.

“I don’t know. You’re the one with the list.”

“I didn’t make a list.”

“What? Why the hell not?”

“To make a list one would assume we actually have stuff at home, which we don’t.”

“all right, so what do you want then?”

“Fruitloops, salsa, marshmallows, peanut butter, avocados, cheese, bananas, that sort of stuff. Oh and ground beef.”

“You are a strange one.”

“I’ve got the munchies... We need stuff for baking too. I was thinking about making brownies later.” He’s shaking his head as he picks a random direction and pushes the cart that way.

Our shopping consists of impulse buying and disdainful glares from suburbanite women who have nothing better to do than stand around in clusters and talk overly loudly about how shameful it is to have people like Brody and I allowed to live in their precious community. It’s laughable and makes me miss the city. No one gives a fuck about you enough to care what you look like. People are usually too busy with their own shit. Their talk makes me slightly uncomfortable but Brody doesn’t even notice it. Or when he does he just laughs. I wish I had his thick skin. I used to be impervious to this kind of shit. Maybe I’ve been off the streets for too long, holed up in the house too much. The fact that some dumb house wives can get under my skin and my me want to leave only gives me more incentive to stay home. There is no way I’d be able to handle the streets like this. I wish I had some acid right now. That would make the world better.

We pass by one of the freezer cases that has a burnt out bulb so I can see my reflection in the glass of the door. What I see stops me in my tracks. I’m ghostly and almost burnt out looking. Never in my life have I felt so unattractive with my baggy ratty hoody making me look like a bum. No wonder the soccer moms were talking. I look like shit.

“Hey Brody, this place is bumming me out. Let’s get out of here.”

“But what about ice cream?”

“Fuck ice cream. I need to get some illegal substances in me, like right now.” Brody looks quite pissed at me but I don’t care. I can feel anxiety tying knots in my stomach and weighing down on my chest making it hard to breath. I regret not slipping those tablets I found earlier into my pocket.

“I think you can last another half hour without popping something.”

“No, I really can’t.” Let’s just get out of here before I completely freak out and they have to call the cops. I knew leaving the house was a bad idea.” I don’t know if it my abundance of nervous ticks or the tone of my voice but he takes the hint pretty clearly.

“All right. We’ll get you some alcohol and then go pay for this stuff. How does that sound?”

“Fine. Hurry up though.” He puts an arm around me to try and comfort me and it does help a little.

Chapter 6:

Who the FUCK is She and Why does Everyone Hate Me?

I’m having a bad trip. Too much speed and not enough to keep me occupied. I stumbled into a patch of writers block and don’t have the focus to read or anything like that. So the anxiety is setting in in full force. With the anxiety comes paranoia. I’m shaking, shivering. Rocking back and forth. My heart is racing. I think it might explode at any moment. Sounds seem louder and more aggressive. I hate to concentrate on breathing. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out.

It occurs tome to check my e-mail. No new messaged in my inbox. Why is there no new messages? Don’t people like me? Don’t they want to talk to me? I write them e-mails. WHy don’t they mail me back? They must be mad at me. I must have done something to piss them off. Maybe I am a bad person.

Suddenly my innards feel like sharp crystals that jab at me with every movement. How could I have let this happen? Why do I do stupid things that make people hate me? I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be alone but I don’t want to be around anyone who hates me and everyone hates me. I am a detestable person. I want to cry but my body is too concentrated on keeping up with mandatory tasks to pay attention to what I want.

I jump at the sound of laughter that comes echoing into my room louder than life. It sounds like they are laughing at me. Both the male and the female. I have a moment of clarity in while I realize I am the only female that should be in the house. So who the fuck is out there laughing at me with Brody?

At first I try to figure out who it could possibly be but I really can’t think of anyone that he would want to have over. I rarely see Brody with anyone, let alone women. Brody always seems more like a loner to me. It was a while before he would laugh like that around me. All the women I ever seen him around are the one night stands he has with girls who are more interested in him than he is in them.

A fit of jealous rage comes over me. No one else is allowed to make him laugh like that. Why the fuck are they laughing at me anyway? I storm out of my room to find Brody and the Mystery Whore he’s got stashed in my home. They are sitting on the couch together watching something on my TV. He’s got his arm around this plain looking slut with brown hair tied up in a ponytail. She looks right at home. But this is my home. She doesn’t belong here.

“Who the fuck is she?” I demand. I can’t tell if I am yelling or not. They both jump. Obviously they didn’t think I’d notice them laughing at me.

“She’s just a friend. Relax Razor.” Brody is looking kind of mad now. His “Friend” looks scared. Good, she should be.

“Why is she here?” I’m shaking and I can’t help it. SHe shouldn’t be here. I don’t want her here. Get out. Get out. Get out. Get out.

“Are you okay?”

“I will be when your little slut gets off my couch and out of my house.”

“That was uncalled for. This is my house and Brenna is nothing like you so she can’t be a slut. WHy don’t you get out of here if you don’t want to be around her so bad.”

“I live here! How can you choose her over me? You’re supposed to take care of me!” By now Brody is red with anger. Clearly he didn’t want his bitch to see this. Well too bad. If you want him, you get me too and I ain’t gonna be no picnic, that’s for sure.

“Why should I take care of someone who doesn’t want to take care of herself? Just get out of here, Razor. I don’t want you in my house this cracked out. You’re not safe.”

“I thought you love me, you mother fucker! I hope you choke on your own tongue in your sleep tonight!” I storm out, a growl in my throat. In this instance I hate him so much. It’s like he just had me on the ground and was kicking me in the ribs. I do what he tells me, just because there is nothing else for me to do, and get out of the house. I don’t go far, obviously as there is no where for me to go.

I’m in the backyard pacing around the empty pool muttering to myself. I don’t realize how cracked out I am. I could be yelling, maybe I am, I wouldn’t know it. I’m just so mad. Irrationally mad. WHo the fuck is that dumb whore and how dare she steal my Brody away from me? He’s supposed to always have my back. What did I do to make him hate me? Or has she been telling him lies about me? I can’t believe he kicked me out. I hope he dies.

Out of the corner of my eye I see him standing at the patio door watching me. I stop to stare back.

“What?!” I yell at him, WHat the fuck is his problem. He looks like he’s never seen me before. Walking away, he’s shaking his head. The bastard is looking down on me. Oh suddenly he’s so much better than me? I’m not the one sitting in a dark room sticking myself with needles. No, no I’m not. That’s him. He could have AIDS. In fact, I hope he does. And I hope he dies from it and takes that bitch with him. They’d be happy together in hell. Yes, hell is where he belongs.

Storm clouds roll in and I don’t notice. I’ve ignored the passage of time. I don’t know that I’ve been out here since ten in the morning. I don’t know that I’ve been tweaking for almost fourteen hours until suddenly I start to feel the speed wearing off. I’m laying on the grass, my body to tired to move but my mind painfully alert and aware.

I start to realize what the past few hours have been like, what I’ve been saying and I feel like scum. He was right to kick me out. This is why everyone hates me. I’m dumb and a total bitch. I should be nicer to Brody. He doesn’t have to put up with me but does anyway.

It starts to rain but I don’t move. I let the rain soak through my clothes. There is no where for me to go. Even if I had the energy to move, Brody is not going to let me back in after today. Not if he’d been listening to what I’d been saying about him. What have I been saying about him? The hundreds of curses and obscenities filter through my head. I start to cry. WHen had I become that mean to the ones I love. The I think of my parents. They said they loved me but never acted like they did. I’m just like them in the end. How did I let that happen?

Brody is standing over me with a red and white umbrella like the one Johnny had the night he found me. I don’t know how long he’s been standing there but he looks concerned. He offers me his hand.

“You can’t lay out here all night. You’ll get sick.” His voice is a reassuring sound. At least he’s still talking to me. I start to feel better. Taking his hand he pulls me up and guides me inside. I’m caught up in the amazement of him being there to notice him stripping off most of my wet clothes and wrapping me up in a thick blanket.

We’re sitting in front of the fire place where Brody has started a warm blazing fire. My head is in his lap and he’s playing with my hair. It’s the first moment of peace we have had together in a long time. I want to tell him how sorry I am for everything but I can’t summon the energy to speak. I just want to sleep.

He starts to shift away when I open the bottle of pills around my neck and take out a sleeping pill.

“You and your fucking pills. Haven’t you had enough drugs for one day?”

“It’s just a sleeping pill. I need to sleep. I am so tired.” He gets up and leaves me laying there by the fire. I keep expecting him to come back but he never does.

When I wake up, it’s to blinding light. Brody is on the couch eating cereal and watching cartoons. I am stiff and sore all over. He doesn’t say anything as I drag myself over to the couch and sit down beside him. We both stare at the tv in silence. I am all too aware of him shifting ever so slightly away from me.

Figure G:

Punk Chick Burnout Songs

1. Red Hot Moon - Rancid

2. Janie Hawk - Roger Miret and the Disasters

3. Little Rude Girl - Lars Frederiksen and the Bastards

4. Dope Sick Girl - Rancid

5. Take it and Run - Dropkick Murphys

6. She’s a Knock out - Social Distortion

7. California Babylon - The Transplants

Chapter 9:

$20 and 1 Free Screw.

I drag myself into the kitchen and slump down in one of the chairs at the table. It’s about noon. Brody is moving around the kitchen busily while his friend, Brenna, is gutting the dishwasher.

“What’s your problem?” He’s stopped to look at me.

“Six table spoons of Nyquill.”

“That’s intelligent. Brenna is here to fix the dishwasher. She’ll be out of your hair as soon as she’s done. Will you play nice while I am gone?”

“Where are you going?”

“Grocery shopping and work. SOmething you should try some time.” He puts a plate of food down in front of me. I give him the one finger salute.

“Why work when I have drugs?” He looks angry and disappointed at my answer.

“Oh Razor, what are you going to do when I’m not around to take care of you?”

“What? You making plans to leave? Johnny made you promise to stick around until he gets back.”

“all right, I’m heading out now. You two play nice.” He’s out the door before I realize he completely side stepped my question. This worries me for all of thirty seconds before the noises being made by Brenna distract me.

“Sorry about my behavior the other day. I was-”

“-Fucked up on speed. That’s okay. I’m brother was a speed freak too. I’m used to him freaking out on me like that.

“So how do you know Brody?”

“I met him through a friend of a friend.”

“So you got a lot of druggie friends then?”

“Not really. Most of them have gotten clean.”

“Except Brody.”

“Why do you take drugs?”

“I don’t know. It beats being sober. I’m gonna waste my life I might as well have a lot of fun while I’m at it.”

“You’re copping out, you know that.”

“So what? What do you care?”

“It’s sad, that’s all. From what Brody tells me about you, you’ve got a lot of potential and you are just wasting it all on your out of control drug habit.”

“Christ. Are you here to fix the dishwasher or give me a lecture on what I should and shouldn’t do with my life?”

“I’m here to fix the dishwasher but I can do both can’t I?”

“Brody put you up to this, didn’t he?”

“Not exactly. He cares about you and hates the way you are throwing your life away.”

“Why the fuck has he been talking to you about me so much?” This woman is pissing me off big time. What right does she have to judge me. She hasn’t been where I’ve been. She doesn’t know the first thing about me. I’m pissed that Brody would go and tell some complete stranger all about me. I’m jealous too that he seems to be able to share so openly with a woman that as far as I know was a complete stranger up until recently. It seems to me, now that I think about it, like they are lovers or some shit. Brody is not supposed to have a girlfriend. It’s like some law of nature. He’s supposed to be unattached but considered my territory. She is breaking the rules. I do not like this.

“Here, I should pay you for your services.”

“That’s not necessary.”

“Oh I insist.” I pull out my wallet and place fifty dollars on the counter along with a note entitling her to one gloriously free romp in the sack with Brody. Having lost my appetite I leave the kitchen without touching my food.

I’m tripping’ on LSD when Brody bursts into my room causing me to laugh hysterically. He does not seem pleased at all. That doesn’t bother me, it’s nice to see him anyway.

“What the hell is your problem?”

“My problem? What’s your problem?”

“What is this?” He’s holding my note to Brenna crumpled in his hand.

“She’s your girlfriend, isn’t she? I thought she should be allowed to take certain liberties with you.”

“Where do you get these ideas?”

“Why were you telling her about me?”

“You just came up when we were talking.”

“She doesn’t know me! What right does she have to judge me?!”

“When did you become so distrustful?” He’s shaking his head and walking out. Fuck him, he can’t ruin my night. I’m still feeling good. He and his little judgmental bitch can’t touch me.

Chapter 43:

What did I do Now?

“Brody... Have I done something wrong?” He’s laying on the couch listening to one of his favorite records.

“Why do you think that?”

“I dunno, you always seem mad at me for something or another. It’s starting to feel like I can’t do anything right.”

“It’s not that I’m mad at you. You frustrate me. For someone with a decent amount of intelligence you sure do a lot of stupid things.”

“Like what?”

“It doesn’t matter. You’re not going to change over night so don’t worry about it. I don’t really have the right to tell you how to live your life.”

“But if the things I do annoy you you should tell me because you live here too.”

“Okay. I just think you should spend more time sober. You’re hard to talk to inebriated.

“Being sober is crappy.”

“You’re sober right now aren’t you?”

“No. I had some brownies for breakfast.”

“How are you still alive with the way you treat your body?” I just shrug. My health is not my biggest concern. If I die, I die. Good riddance. Everyone’s body falls apart at some point. If you look at those warning labels on things you’ll notice that everything causes cancer or some other disease. Everything is bad for us so is there any point in taking care of myself? I think not.

“Why all the sudden this problem with my drug habits?”

“You’re using a lot more than you used to. I don’t know why which frustrates me. It’s never fun to watch someone spin completely out of control. At least you aren’t out on the streets but it’s still a waste.”

“I’m still functional. I’m not like those incoherent burn outs on street corners and in gutters.”

“You aren’t as coherent as you used to be. I mean, what to you get from all of this?”

“Release. Bliss. I get lifted out of the black whole that is life every time I get high.”

“You’ve got to stop. Eventually you wont be able to get off anymore and you will have to face your life. That’s going to kill you.”

“Drugs are all I know. I’m never going to stop until I have to. Even if it stops being fun it’s still better than sober.”

“The breaking point’s going to hit you sooner than you expect. It’s going to be one hell of a mess. I wont be surprised if you take everyone around you down with you.”

“You don’t know that. You don’t know me that well. I’m not some ticking time bomb.”

“I know you better than you think. And I see how react to things. You aren’t nearly as stable as you think. DOn’t you realize that you’ve lost touch? You’re feet aren’t planted on the ground any more. Do you even know what’s going on in the world around you?”

“I know all that I need to. Maybe you should walk a mile in my shoes before you can claim to be an authority on what’s going on in my head.”

“I don’t think you even know what’s going on in your head.”

“You don’t know jack shit. If you did you wouldn’t treat me like a kid. I know exactly what I am doing to myself and to my life so I don’t need you to lecture me. Or get all snappy with me.”

“Hey, you started this conversation. Don’t get mad at me just because I’m saying things you don’t want to hear.” I get up and take a few steps away from him. “What, are you going to go hide away in your room like you always do?”

“Fuck you. I’m putting another album on because thing is done playing.”

“Oh.”

“Jerk.”

“Are you hungry?”

“What?”

“You heard me.”

“Yeah but why are you asking me that now?”

“It is known as changing the subject. I don’t want to argue with you anymore.”

“Oh, okay. I could go for something to eat.”

“What do you want?”

“Nachos.”

“Yeah I could go for some melty cheesy goodness too. The question is will we have to go questing for such a thing or can we get it without going anywhere?”

“That mexican place delivers doesn’t it?”

“Ah... the mexican place. Have many lazy days have they filled my stomach with greasy mexican goodness.”

“Where would we be without take out?”

“Very, very hungry.”

“Let’s not be hungry. I’ll go get the phone. Do you want any alcohol while I’m in the kitchen.”

“No. I got work later.”

“You and your job. Well I’m going to be partaking in some intoxicating fluids if you don’t mind.”

“Does it really matter whether or not I mind?”

“No. Not really.”

Figure H:

An Average Week

Acid 7 tabs

Speed 3 1/2 pills

Ex 4 pills

Alcohol 4.25 L

Tequila 250 mL

Vodka 700 mL

Jack Daniel's 300 mL

Beer 2.5 L

Baileys 500 mL

Marijuana 20 g

Chapter 39:

The Silence was Deafening.

It takes a minute for me to be fully aware that I am awake. it takes even longer to me to realized what woke me up. It is the silence. Yes, silence can wake you up, believe it or not. Silence has never sat well with me. I guess because silence is audio emptiness and emptiness is probably my greatest fear. Turning on my stereo I head out of my room to investigate this sudden silence and find something to alleviate this headache I’ve woken up with.

On the kitchen table there is a note from Brody scrawled in his funny handwriting. He’s gone to work, wants me to eat something, he’ll be back around four with supper. It’s twenty to three now. It’s easier for me to just wait for him to get here with food. I don’t want to cook and I’m not even all that hungry. Spinning around I grab the sesame street cookie jar where I keep my stash. Today I feel like some speed. I need a little exercise. Brody’s been cooking all sorts of food lately and it’s been making me feel fat. I don’t do the regular meal thing.

Half a tab down the trap chased by some JD. I don’t like the stuff but it’s the closest liquid at hand. I keep drinking as I go turn on the tv. The house needs more noise. When no one is home this place feels different. Since there was only a couple fingers left I finish the bottle. It’s time to go swim laps while this stuff kicks in. Swimming drunk and on speed is something I’ve never tried before. It doesn’t work very well. Especially when the pool’s been emptied to be used for skateboarding. I guess it’s back in the house for me. So much for working on my tan.

But there is nothing to do in the house. I mean, if Brody were around I could keep myself occupied with him but he isn’t. Oh boy, I should have thought this out better. Sometimes I am the biggest moron to ever exist on this planet. What to do? What to do. I’ll settle for flipping channels as fast as possible for a while. The flashing colors are pretty. Pretty, pretty, pretty. It’s entertaining until I’ve cycled through all two hundred channels six times. But now it’s time to find something else to do. I check the time hoping it’ll be four soon. It’s five to three. Still another fucking hour in this stupid house. I walk through the house dragging my fingernails along the walls. The sound sends a shiver down my spine.

I enter the master bedroom at the end of the hall. It’s completely empty and I don’t know why. There was furniture in every other part of the house when we got here but why not this room? We should do something with it. Empty rooms are a sin. Empty houses too. We should rent out this room to someone. There should be more people around all the time for the size of this house. More people equals more fun. I’ve always wanted to live in an energetic home. Brody’s gone all the time now, leaving me by myself. I hate that. I hate him sometimes too. He’s always giving me shit for stuff. What is he? My father? I don’t think so.

The sight of this room is getting to me. The barren walls collapsing in on me. I run out, slamming the door behind me. Downstairs with all it’s clutter makes me feel better. Sitting on the couch I’m looking around. Somewhere a clock is ticking. Why does this place feel so empty? If I make a sound it will echo. This is the quiet you are not supposed to disturb. I’m trying my hardest not to make any noise but every twitch seems to echo thunderously. It’s Brody’s fault for making the house this way. Him and his stupid job. I thought he didn’t even believe in capitalism. Why would he want to be working all of a sudden? I don’t know what’s gotten into him lately but I want to get back at him for stranding me. His musical collection catches my eye. All those shiny cds. I slink over to them. Start throwing all the cases on the floor. Mixing them out I’m sure some of them crack but that not enough for me. No, I have to take all the cds out and put them in the wrong cases. It will take him forever to fix. Serves him right. If he hadn’t left me alone with his cd collection I never would have been able to do this. His job creates opportunity for my deviance. Tomorrow I’ll glue all his socks to his ceiling. I’m sure he’ll enjoy that just as much.

Brody comes home with thai food. I’m not hungry though. I couldn’t eat if I wanted to. He’s not as mad as I hoped he’d be when he comes in to find me still at it with his cds. It just means that’s what we’re doing tonight. I guess I can’t really complain. It gives me something to occupy myself with until I come down. I guess I’m more of genius than I thought.

I’m still pissed as hell for being left alone. I’m pissed enough that I trash the dinning room after he goes to be. He’s in too good a mood for me to yell at him or give him any kind of shit. Stupid Brody being so cute when he laughs. Blah. I don’t want him to go to work. I tell him that when he tries to leave and has to move me out of the way. I try to latch on to him. To keeps him in the house. He wont listen though. Just pries me off and gets into the care and goes. It’s another long day. Luckily I sleep most of it away but I do manage to glue the majority of his socks to the ceiling before he can stop me. He should have stayed home to keep me out of trouble. I can’t behave on my own. I’m glad it’s the weekend though. It means he’s home for the next forty eight hours. Joy! No more empty house. SOmeone to talk to. I don’t think he knows how bad this place is on your own. It’s cavernous and there is no where else for me to go. Civilization is too far away. He always takes the car, stranding me here.

None of my friends have transportation to get out here. I don’t even know where half of them are at this point. I’m sure they’re all scattered to the wind by now. It’s that season. Bah. I guess I’ll just have to lay off the speed except for special occasions. Heh heh, like when I want to terrorize Brody some more. The little bastard will never see it coming. I am an evil genius. I should take over the world some day. That would be awesome.

Chapter 12:

Where the fuck did Brody go?

I bolt upright in bed drenched in sweat. A jumble of images and words come rushing at me, bombarding my senses. Brody coming in here wanting to tell me something but ending up just yelling at me about being some dumb druggie wasting my life away. I’m not sure if it’s a memory or a dream or both.

It’s early afternoon and the sunlight is streaming in all over the place. My head is pounding from too much sleep and cravings for various pleasurable toxins. Getting up, I strip off my wet sweatshirt and drop it on the floor on my way out of my room. In the kitchen I down some water before setting about truing to find some LSD or speed or something.

The house is unnaturally quiet. I know Brody works but he’s usually gone more at night. I think. I’ve been having trouble keeping track of time. All I know is that I am sober enough to realize something is off. It’s time to investigate. I detest empty houses. Always have. I grew up in an empty house and I vowed never to live in one again.

Wandering room from room I notice that the usual signs of life are missing. For one thing, all the clutter has been cleaned up. Brody’s records which are usually scattered around the stereo in the living room aren’t just cleaned up but gone completely. Upstairs is worse. I get to his room, while it mostly looks the same except his guitar is gone along with the perpetual pile of laundry and an assortment of his most prized possessions. Things that would never normally leave the room separately, let alone all together.

Brody is gone. The bastard left. Unbelievable. What the fuck am I supposed to do now? I want him to come back so I can scream at him. I’m screaming anyway. Running through the house knocking things over, breaking shit. The little fuck head isn’t around to stop me. I can do anything I want now. He isn’t around to look down his nose at me. The bastard has developed quite the attitude of late. Always telling me what was wrong with me. Talking down to me like I’m a child incapable of rational thought. I’m a hell of a lot smarter than he is. For one thing I know better than to piss Johnny off. Which is just what is going to happen when Johnny comes back to find me all alone.

Something inside me isn’t letting me believe that Brody would just pack up and leave without saying anything. Or that he wont come back. So I decide I’m going to wait for him to come back home to me. He has to come home. I decide to make something that will be ready for him to eat when he returns.

The pantry is barren. I am forced to make a simple casserole. That’s just as well, I’m not in the condition to successfully cook anything more complicated. My whole body is shaking and aching but I don’t pay any mind to it.

From where I sit at the kitchen table I can watch the door. Waiting for it to open I don’t notice the hours passing me by. It gets dark. I don’t bother to turn on the lights or even move. Still no Brody. I’m feeling hurt and abandoned to an extreme. As I stopped leaving the house my world became more and more about two things: Drugs and Brody. With just one of those things missing my world seems to come apart at the seams. Without his constant presence around the house I can’t figure out what to do with myself. I don’t want to do anything. Sitting here on this hard chair I can’t bring myself to move for a long time. I want to cry but can’t even bring tears to come out. I is well after midnight when I finally drag myself into my rom and flop down onto my unkept bed.

Even though I just want to sleep I can’t seem to keep my eyes shut. I end up staring aimlessly at all the junk in my room. My whole world is in this room now. There is nothing left outside here. No reason for me to leave. I’m going to stay here and rot in my own prison of a life. No one will ever come find me. If Brody left it’s because I drove him away. Everyone gets what they deserve in life. I must be a bad person for the way my life has turned out. There is no other way to explain why my life has sucked so hard. There is no other way to explain why no one ever wants me once they get to know me. My parents left. Johnny left. Brody left. Good to know I’m worth while.

Maybe Brody was right about me wasting my life. I mean, what have I done with it so far? A big fat lot of nothing, that’s what. I can’t see what my life will amount to in the future. Probably more nothing. What exactly is there for me to do with myself? There is nothing I’m any good at. There is no way I’d work some stupid nine to five job. Can you even get one if you haven’t finished high school?

It’s hours of this kind of thinking. I don’t move. I don’t sleep or eat. My body is going into withdrawal and I feel so shitty already I don’t even notice the shaking or vomiting. It all seems to fit with my mental state. Days could go by or just minutes and I couldn’t tell the difference. I can’t tell if there is music playing or not anymore. This is what it is like to stop living. Not a happy state. The only thing I want right now is for death to take me. I picture my wrists bleeding out all over my bed. Imagining feeling life drain out of me. I see myself jumping off of tall buildings or high cliffs. I am too lethargic to bring my own death upon me so I just pray and scream to any god who will hear me to come take me quickly. No one listens.

Chapter 13:

Take It Back, Rip My Heart Right Out.

Brody is standing in the doorway. I don’t know how long he’s been there for. He might have been talking, I’m not sure. I am aware that it is dark in my room but lighter in the hallway. I have trouble seeing his face.

“I need my key back.” He’s referring to the key he gave me to keep with the promise that I never give it back so long as we are friends. The message he is sending is pretty clear. I just don’t want to receive it.

“You told me never to give it back.” My throat is dry and that makes it painful to speak.

“Since when do you listen to what anyone says?”

“You made me promise. I always keep my promises.”

“Well I’ve changed my mind. Now give me back the key. I need it.”

“What if I don’t want to?” He moves to come get it himself. I don’t want him coming any closer to me so I slip the key on it’s string from around my neck and chuck it at him. Rolling over, I don’t want to see where it lands. Brody is gone when I look back at the door. He didn’t say anything more but I swear I can still feel his eyes boring into me.

It’s the final nail in the coffin so to speak. There is no body left in the world for me. I’ve driven them all away. At some point I will have to pack up and leave. For now I’ll just lay here and mull things over. Try and cook up a plan. I’m feeling too shitty to move, really. I look around at all the junk covering every flat surface in my room. I can remember a time when all my worldly possessions could fit in one large backpack. It made getting up and leaving really easy. I was always on the move back then.

When Brody brought me to this house I remember unpacking my stuff and just sitting and staring at all the empty spaces everywhere. How small and empty it made me feel. I had nothing to show for me life. Now my room is full but that feeling of emptiness is still there. There is nothing to be proud of in this room. All this stuff, all these random objects and papers I meticulously collected are worthless. It seemed so important to me at the time that I have all this stuff. I see now what I was doing, substituting physical things for self worth.

There is no where to go from here. Nothing to build on. I’m at the bottom of a black hole and there is no one to pull me out. I don’t know how I am going to get myself out. I don’t know if I even want to. I’m almost content to just lay in the dirt. Maybe the worms will come eat me. If I am even worth eating.

I am beyond crying. I am beyond the point of caring. I just want it all to end. I hurt everywhere and I don’t know why. It feels like I am forgetting a lot of things. I can’t remember ever being happy. Then again I don’t remember most of my life in general. All of it’s been blocked out or else it just wasn’t worth remembering. That’s not right. I try to remember but I realize after it’s too late that they are all bad memories. I can’t help feeling burned by the flood of memories I can’t stop. Tossing and turning and flailing about like I can somehow avoid these thoughts by moving.

I want to run away from myself. I want to find refuge but there is no one I can go to. There is no ore Johnny or Brody. Both are gone. I wish we were all back at Johnny’s warehouse. Just like that first day I met Brody. I want things to be simple. How did so little get so complicated? Everything is tangled together like knotted yarn and I can’t make sense out of it. There is no solution to be found and the harder I try to find out the worse I make things. I’m drowning and there is no one out there who cares enough to rescue me.

I want to scream but it’s like I’ve lost control of my body. I’m trapped in my head, torturing myself with hateful thoughts. There is nothing for me to distract myself with. If I could focus on anything, I’d get right out of this god forsaken bed and do it. Nothing seems worth doing. It’s all too much effort and I just can’t be bothered. Frustration is my middle name.

Chapter 41:

Come Back Down to Earth.

I.

The only thing I know is pain. This never ending, ever changing pain. There is shaking and I can’t control my own body. I’m so scared. This is never going to end. Would someone just put me out of my misery. What did I do to deserve this? Did I live too fast, too hard? All that fun was not worth this pain. I wish I could just fall asleep and wake up when this nightmare is over. Everything is so far away. I’m so thirsty, the thought of getting up for something to drink seems impossible. I just barely manage to roll over to puke over the side of the bed. The room wreaks and it turns my stomach. My body can’t decided if it wants to be hot or cold. Everything is so sore. Muscles spasming. Why is this happening? I don’t want to die here alone.

There’s a face floating over me but I can’t see it clearly. I must hallucinating. I try to get away. There are hands on me, two of them, maybe more it’s hard to tell. The face is Johnny’s but I know he’s not really here. He’s still on the run. This is my mind playing tricks on me. Somehow I’m being carried away from the bed. That’s not right. It’s not even possible. There’s no body here. I try to fight it but I’m too weak. Scenery flies by me. The house looks alien. I end up in the bathroom thrown into a pool of water. It burns me but feels so good. My body calms a bit. I feel my eyes growing heavy I can’t keep them open. There is an angry voice in the background. I can’t make out any words. Sounds are distorted. I want the room to stop spinning. I want everything to stop. Make it all go away. Why can’t I just die? Why do I always have to do everything the hard way? Fuck. This sucks.

Johnny is back. Maybe it’s really him. He’s talking to me but none of makes sense, like he’s talking in another language. He takes me out of the water too soon. Put me back. The towel he’s using to dry me off feels like sand paper on my skin. My skin must be bruising under his hands the way he’s roughing me up. He should just put me back in the water. Or just stop touching me, I’m gonna break. If he were to drop me I think I’d shatter all over the floor in a million pieces. No more me, bye bye. My room still smells. I want to be elsewhere. Water is being poured down my throat. It feels good but I don’t think I can keep it in me. More vomiting. More water. The cycle repeats. Eventually it stays down. Then there is silence. The ringing has stopped. I can’t even hear my heart beat any more. Maybe this is what death is like.

Fever and cold. Fever and cold. Everything has a vicious cycle. Never ending. I’m never going to be anything else but this shaking, quivering figure curled up in bed sweating and crying. Johnny should come back and take a gun to me. I’m not worth a damn to anyone like this. Can’t think. Can’t function. There is no life left in me. I don’t know how I will be able to go on. More water. It tastes off. My brain is melting from the heat and it’s changing everything. Nothing will ever be the same. This is the turning point. Crash! I’m a kamikaze pilot. Everything I’ve done has led me to this. This is the end so to say. Now we just wait for someone to flip the switch to send me from living to dead. Why hasn’t it been flipped yet?

I'm feeling numb. FIrst there was black and now everything is crisply in focus. I’m in the bath tub. Johnny is looking at me, What’s he doing here? Where is Brody?I’m not dead yet. This sucks. Every part of me is tired. I want to speak but can’t. There is nothing to say and no means to say it. Johnny is trying to feed me. It’s not working very well. I don’t want soup. I don’t want anything to sustain this wreck of a body. Just kill me now. Do it while I’m not looking. I don’t want to know. Fuck.

II.

Johnny slides the key into the door and opens it to a dark house. It seems like no one is home. Brody should be here. He knows that Johnny was coming back today. Something isn’t right.

“Hello?” There is no response. He continues into the house, his footsteps echoing. The kitchen is clean except for an old half dried casserole on the table. There is a whimpering noise coming from the far right. He follows it into Razor’s room where she is curled up shaking on her bed. There is puke everywhere. He doesn’t know what’s going on but Brody better have a good fucking excuse for leaving her alone like this.

The first thing he does is get a bath ready. She needs to be cleaned up plus the hot water will relax her muscles which are all tensed up to the point of popping out of her skin. She is too out of it to understand what is going on and fights him the whole way to the bathroom. She calms down once in the water and he leaves her there to soak while he cleans up all the vomit encrusted all over her room. This is not how he envisioned his homecoming. At least it’s withdrawal and not some kind of bad trip. Oh but was Brody ever in trouble. He of all people knows that you don’t leave someone alone in that kind of state. Especially not someone like Ray who wont even try to help herself. He has no idea how far gone she is. He couldn’t even tell if she was actually conscious or not. This probably the point where he should be taking her to the hospital but the aftermath of that would not be to anyone’s liking. If he can’t get her to turn around then he’ll have to take her in. This would be so much easier if Brody were around. He’s not going to be getting much sleep for a while. After tossing the dirty sheets in the washer he goes to try and get a hold of Brody.

He tries a few numbers before finally getting in touch with Brody. Johnny doesn’t like how far away he is.

“Dude, where the fuck are you?!”

“You know exactly where I am, you called me.”

“Why the hell aren’t you here where you should be?”

“There was something I needed to do.”

“Like what? Razor is a complete fucking mess. You should never have left her alone. I can’t believe I trusted you to do one simple thing and you fucked it up.”

“I’m sure she’ll be fine. I’ve seen her come out of some pretty messed up trips just fine. You’re over reacting.”

“I come in to find her huddled in a ball covered in her own puke. She’s somewhere between consciousness and unconsciousness and I don’t know if I can pull her out of it. How long ago did you leave?”

“Two days ago.”

“Well get your ass back here. I need your help. She’s not going to be easy to take care of on my own.”

“Fine. I’m on the way back around there anyway.”

“So you weren’t planning on coming back?”

“I hadn’t decided yet. The girl’s a head trip. I can’t handle that right now.”

“Well you better deal with it because if anything happens I want you around so I can kick your ass. All you had to do was wait to days to leave. Someone should have been here to take care of her.”

“I’m sorry. It just couldn’t wait. And she was perfectly fine when I left.”

“We’re going to have a long talk when you get back.”

“I’ll see you in ten hours then.” Johnny hangs up the phone no less angry after his conversation with the apathetic Brody.

Razor’s been in the tub for a good hour now. The water is probably getting pretty cold. He finds the softest towels in the house before pulling her out and drying her off. He can’t tell if she shaking because she’s cold or because her muscles are spasming. At least she isn’t fighting him any more. He gets her into dry clothes and back into bed. In an attempt to get her hydrated he pours some water into her mouth. This is not a clean process and he aim isn’t the best so more vomit ends up on him than in the bucket. After a few tries he does manage to get a decent amount of water to stay down. This is not going to be easy. Just thinking about what the days ahead will be like make him want to break down and cry. His anger belies a deeper feeling of fear. The possibility of losing her makes him realize how much he does love her. She’s not just a bratty street kid he picked up one night because he felt bad for her. She is family now and he can’t stand to lose another member of his dwindling family.

He waits a couple hours before trying to feed her chicken soup. The fluctuations of her body temperature worries him. He does his best to balance it out but there isn’t much he can do. Relief settles in temporarily when she finally nods off. What she needs is a good solid sleep. It will let her body balance itself out. With her asleep there isn’t much he can do but wait. Wait for Brody to come home. Wait for her to wake up. This gives him time to think, time to stew. Brody was really going to get it. This was the final straw. He had crossed a line that should not have been crossed. There is no forgiving this. No one hurts Johnny’s family and gets away with it. Even if Brody is his blood brother. He’s going to be the second brother Johnny’s disowned. He only had Brody come back because angry or not he knows that he can’t take care of Razor on his own. When she’s better he’ll take her somewhere else and leave Brody to his own devices. His life will be no ones concern but his own after this.

Chapter 2:

Throw Away the Key.

I.

I knew Brody was back in the house because I’d heard him arguing quite loudly about me with Johnny. Johnny’s mad because he was supposed to take care of me and now they aren’t sure if I will ever recover psychologically. I don’t tell them that I can hear them arguing. I don’t really let on that things are working in my head. Not that I can really tell the difference. Everything still hurts.

It’s a couple days before Brody does anything more than watch from the doorway when he thinks I’m sleeping. It’s late at night when he comes in smelling like smoke. He sits on the edge of my bed and holds up a silver key on a leather string. It’s the key he had once given to me for safe keep and later asked for it back when he left.

This is where I roll over to ignore him. He shakes me gently with one hand on my shoulder. I struggle to ignore how good it feels to have someone touch me.

“Hey, come on. Wake up. I want to talk to you.” His voice is soft and pleading but I will hear none of it. I shift further away from him. He takes this as an invitation to get comfortable.

“I’m sorry I left the way I did but there was just something I needed to do. I need you to know that I was no way abandoning you.”

“Leaving is leaving, brody. So why don’t you do what you do best and skidaddle.”

“I guess I deserve that.” He sighs but doesn’t move. The silence is as tense as I can make it but he doesn’t seem to notice. He can be real dense at times. “When you’re ready I will explain everything to you.” He leaves the key on the bed so when I roll over I end up with the thing poking me in the ribs.

It takes me a while to work up the energy and will to get up and find Brody. The key dangles down from my loose grip. He and Johnny are talking quietly over a game of shithead just the way they used to back at Johnny’s warehouse. Seeing them sitting there in the dim light looking for all the world like it was back then makes me hate even more. They both look up when they notice me standing there in my boxers and oversized hoody. Brody is the first to speak.

“Ray, is everything okay?” I don’t let him finish his sentence before chucking the key at him.

“I don’t nee your stupid key anymore!” I yell at him. I don’t need his love. I don’t want his attention or affection. I don’t need him to protect me and look after me. I am my own person and he needs to know that. But I don’t say any of that. The words get stuck in my head and I just turn around and go back to bed. This doesn’t change anything. Just gets me more agitated. My mind turns to a bloody torrent of rage towards him and I can’t sleep anymore.

II.

Brody sits on the couch staring into his coffee that he has no desire to drink. The lights are off and the shadows are long in the dusk light. Johnny sits down in a chair in the corner.

“What’s up?”

“Did I break her?”

“I don’t know. She’s feeling pretty angry and abandoned. The problem is that Razor never learned how to express her emotions in any semblance of a healthy way. She was using drugs to cope with all the stuff she keeps bottled up.”

“But now she’s clean.”

“Exactly. Now she’s dealing with all the emotions and issues that she’s been ignoring for who knows how long now.”

“So what do we do?”

“We let her sort through it all on her own. When she needs our help we’ll be there for her. But you need to talk to her. She stopped taking all those drugs because you left. That’s what instigated this.”

“If you are trying to make me regret leaving or feel guilty it’s not going to work. I did what I needed to do. After years I’m finally figuring things out. I thought you would support me in this.”

“You should have called me first. If I had known what was going on I could have helped or at least come back sooner. You always have to do everything on your own. When are you going to realize that if you don’t ask for help things get messy and complicated.”

“I had no way of knowing that she would react like that. I didn’t think she was that attached to me. She’s always been some what distant when it comes down to it. I thought that she could take care of herself for a few days.”

“You spent four months with her and you don’t even know her. Good job. I thought you would have realized that she doesn’t do the touchy feely stuff. She’s not going to be open about how she feels about people, she doesn’t know how. She’s distant with everyone because that is the only way anyone was to her growing up. You should have paid more attention to the things she tells you.”

“I’m sorry.” Brody stands up, placing his cup on the table and heading into the hall way.

“Where are you going?”

“To give Ray a hug. I’m sure she needs lots of them right now.”

“Just leave her alone for now. Let her come to you.”

“Fine. I need some air, anyway.”

“Brody? What were you doing out there?”

“Digging up the past.” The front door closes quietly behind him and Johnny watches from the window as he walks slowly down the drive way. Sitting back a small wave of relief washes over Johnny. While he may be mad at least he knows he doesn’t have to worry about Brody falling apart. Brody is on the way to finding himself again which means he wont need anyone to lean on any more. All the guilt Johnny carried for being angry is gone now.

Chapter 1:

Deep Within There Lies and Artist.

Johnny always told me that Brody was an artist. I always figured he was referring to that battered old acoustic guitar Brody is always strumming away on. That is until one afternoon. As I am lying in bed still recovering, still brooding, I can’t help but notice the strong paint fumes that have seeped their way into my cluttered room. I ignore it but something about the smell makes me antsy. With a groan I get out of bed to investigate. All I hear as I exit my room is the slapping of my bare feet on the cold floor and the dry sweeping of a paint brush on the wall. I can smell the distinct odor of chain smoking cigarettes.

There are cans of paint open and spread half hazzardly around the hallway. Other supplies litter the floor. I have no idea where they came from but the stuff doesn’t look new. A well broken in sketch book lays open on one of the steps of a foot ladder. I am tempted to pick it up and flip through it but this is a side of Brody I have never seen before so I don’t know how well received that would be. Brody himself is busy applying paint to the wall. Pallet in one hand, cigarette hanging out of his mouth. He looks tired, like he’s been up all night working through a lot of crap. It looks like he may have been crying recently too.

I don’t say anything as I tip toe through the field of pain cans and take a seat on the stairs to fully take in the mural in progress. His style is familiar, I remember it from one of the murals near Johnny’s old place in the Industrial Playground. The colors are vibrant and the strokes long and curved. He seems to jump from place to place all over the wall painting in patches. There is an over all big picture in his head, you can see it slowly forming as he works. Every so often he’ll stop to glance at his sketch book which he has left open at a specific page.

He knows I’m watching him but doesn’t say anything. There is something different about him in the way he moves. They are well practiced movements but I never even knew he painted. Before now I had never seen a paint brush in his hand outside of the time we painted the house. I can’t help but feel hurt he never told me about this. Then again, I’m sure he had his reasons for keeping it hidden. God knows we all have secrets.

“Johnny went out to buy groceries. He should be back soon if you were looking to talk to him.”

“Okay.” And now he’s tensed up, unsure if he really wants me watching. As if he is ashamed of what he’s doing. There is obviously a story to this, a long one. I’ll have to get it out of him or Johnny eventually. I take quiet pleasure in making him squirm like this. He knows I can read him like a book if I want to but he is hoping that I haven’t noticed. I’d like to say I know what’s going through his head but if I’m honest with myself I have not known that for a while now. Really, I don’t know what’s been going on in my head either. The cogs are slow in turning, maybe I’m burnt out.

Johnny comes in through the back door with the food make his presence known like the noisy fucker he is. He comes in to join is with a fresh pack of smokes in hand. Lighting up he stands beside me to admire Brody’s progress. If this were the old days, I’d be bitching both of them out for smoking inside and I think they know it. But these are not the old days and I think they know that too. Instead I take the offered pack and light one up myself.

“He’s good, eh? Fucking brilliant.” He sits down beside me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. Johnny never used to be this touchy feely with me. I guess he is trying to remind me I’m still alive.

“So what do you think of our boy? DIdn’t I tell you he’s quite the artist?”

“He certainly is better at hiding secrets than I thought.” My words make him stop for a moment to look at me over his shoulder for the first time since I sat down.

“Well love, even you have your secrets you just wont tell anyone. Not even your dear Uncle Johnny.” With that he stubs out his cigarette on the sole of his boot and walks off to the kitchen. I continue smoking, watching as Brody mixes paint into a plastic container to a nice rich turquoise. If there was silence it would be leaning towards uncomfortable but instead we just hear Johnny singing old punk songs from the eighties as he starts cooking.

“Hey Razor, get in here and have something to eat!”

“Fuck off!”

“You should eat, Ray.” Brody says quietly, talking into the wall again. I don’t feel like being mothered so I stand and head upstairs. The staircase creaking the whole way up. I have to go through the window in Brody’s room to get onto the roof. It shocks me to see his room exactly as it’s always been. He seems to have changed so much, I expected his room to be different too. Maybe I’m the one who has changed.

It’s a breezy spring day outside. My favorite kind of weather. So I sit out there for a couple hours chain smoking. I only come back inside after the sun goes down and I’ve killed the pack of cigarettes. It’s friday so Johnny has found some place to be.

When I reach the landing and sit down Brody is closing up the cans of paint. He is obviously done for the day but not done work on his mural.

“Ray... You look faded out.”

“You’ve been staring at bright colors all day.” He moves the foot ladder to sit on it in front of me.

“You were up there a long time. What were you thinking about?

“I don’t know. Stuff.”

“Listen, I know you are mad at me right now but you need to put that aside and talk to me. You’ve been to hell and back again the past couple weeks and you can’t keep all that bottled up inside you.” He lights two cigarettes and offers me one. His hands are steady while mine shake uncontrollable. I take a long drag and let it out slowly trying to calm myself. He watches me with concern etched into the lines of his face and waits patiently for me to say something. I’d humor him if I knew where to start.

To be truthful, I’ve spent every waking moment so deep in introspection that I have gotten everything all tangled up. It’s hard tot ell what is important any more. I know I can’t escape this conversation but suddenly I am just so tired. Talking seems almost like too much effort.

“I guess I’ve just been trying to figure out what I am doing with my life.”

“Come up with anything?”

“Yeah. I’m wasting it.” With that I start to cry. It’s a good hardy cry, the kind I’ve been needing to have for a while. Brody is sitting on the stairs no and has me in his arms.

“You’re nineteen years old. You don’t need to have done anything great with your life. You still have time. There are forty year olds who still don’t know what they are doing so don’t sweat it.”

“It’s just you and Johnny have done so much already. And what do I have to say for myself? I’m a nineteen year old druggie.”

“You’re clean now, aren’t you?”

“For now at least.”

“Are you planning on using again?” He looks scared and angry now.

“I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about it. You’d think I would have will all the things going through my head but really all I want is for everything to end. There are so many things in my head that I want to get rid of but don’t know how. Drugs are the last thing I’ve had on my mind. I’ve just been trying to deal with this heavy weight pushing down on me. I can’t think of anything to look forward to and that scares me.” He’s hugging me real tight now. I can feel him shake slightly. He’s upset but doesn’t want to show it too much.

Figure I:

An Ode to Alcohol

The Thing I can’t Live Without

by Johnny McGee

You make me happy, when things are bad.

You give me strength to fight.

I could drink you all night.

You come in every colour and taste so good.

I don’t know where I’d be without you.

You give me courage to do the things

I’ve had to or wanted to,

It’s sad to say you are my back bone.

You made me a man.

You’ve been my friend through

tears and fights and laughter.

You’ve always been there,

that one constant friend.

I wish I could thank you,

so here’s to you!

Chapter 4:

Panic. Panic. Can’t Breathe. Heart Racing.

“Razor, get up.” Brody is gently shaking me awake. It’s decently dark in my room so I figure it’s around eight o’clock.

“What’s going on?” He’s picking through the clothes on the floor, occasionally throwing something my way.

“We’re going out tonight.”

“Where?”

“Johnny says there is supposed to be a kickin’ party at some abandoned warehouse tonight.”

“Is that such a good idea?”

“Johnny and I were talking about what you told me the other day and we’ve come to the conclusion that you need a distraction. What better distraction then getting out of the house and seeing old friends.”

“Oh. So it’s one of those parties.” I start to pull on some of the clothes he’s tossed onto the bed.

“Yeah. Don’t worry I’m gonna be sober and Johnny says he’ll stick to alcohol for once. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. It’s really up to you.”

“What do you think I should do?”

“I’m not going to tell you to do or not do anything. That’s something you have to decide for yourself. I’m going to let you get ready now. When you’re done make sure you come have something to eat. You aren’t going out on an empty stomach.” I watch him leave before dragging myself out of bed. It feels weird getting ready to go partying again. It’s been what feels like a long time since I’ve really been in the scene. It’s also dismaying how much looser my clothes have gotten on me. To feel more comfortable I have to put on more layers than usual, more jewelry. Just to feel like I have some kind of presence.

As I am slowly getting ready I can hear Brody and Johnny talking in the hallway just outside my room. Johnny doesn’t sound too happy.

“Are you sure it’s such a good idea to let her do any kind of shit she wants tonight?”

“No. Look, I just want to see how she handles herself. If she fucks up tonight then it probably means she needs to get into rehab or something like that.”

“If she needed to be in rehab, wouldn’t she have already fucked up by now?”

“Not necessarily. She knows we’re keeping an eye on her. She doesn’t have easy access to drugs around here like she used to. I wasted her stash and you’ve been keeping your shit locked up pretty tight. I don’t think she’s really been up to stealing from you.”

“all right, it’s your call but if anything fucking happens to her it’s your head and I mean it this time.”

“I can live with that.”

My hands are shaking as I apply eyeliner to around my eyes. I decide it’s because I haven’t had enough to eat today and ignore it. I see myself for the first time in weeks. The change is not as drastic as I thought it would be. I may be thinner and paler but not to the point where I look like I’m dying. With the make up on I look, at least to myself, more attractive than before.

They are looking at me funny as I eat my cucumber sandwich. I don’t know what they are trying to get at but I don’t like it. I’m starting to feel apprehensible about this party.

“You guys are kind of freaking me out.”

“Sorry.”

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“’Cause you’re funny looking. Now eat your sammich.” Brody shuffles his deck of cards and deals a game of crazy eight's for him and Johnny. The tension in the room is effectively cut.

We leave late because after watching Johnny down a third of a 40 of vodka he wants to drive us in the GTO. That car is my baby and the only thing I’ve ever kept from my parents. So we fight with Johnny to convince him that Brody should drive. The moron thinks we’re insulting his honor. I have to use my mad ninja skills to snatch the keys out of his pocket while Brody is distracting him with hard questions.

With Brody driving there is no impulse turning or adventuring on the way to the warehouse. We do sing though, loudly and drunkenly. Johnny and I pass a mickie of vodka back and forth but he does most of the drinking. I am mildly tipsy by the time we get there.

The music is booming and there is a considerable line up to get in which we bypass immediately. Inside there are hoards of people cracked out on some form of drugs or another. A lot of them are familiar faces. I am greeted with hugs and kisses by everyone who even vaguely knows me. It seems strange to be in these kinds of surroundings sober. Everything looks different, dirtier. I remember how beautiful nights at the warehouse seemed. It’s startling to think that I have not been here in over four months.

This constant touching is starting to get to me. My heart is racing but this doesn’t seem out of the ordinary to anyone but me. I decide to go dancing. There aren’t a huge abundance of people on the dance floor yet so it seems like a good idea. I let the music come over me and try to get my groove on. Unfortunately I am not intoxicated enough to have the freedom of movement I am accustomed to. Dancing feels forced and I can’t really enjoy myself. I keep dancing for a couple songs before I am sweaty and out of breath. I am determined to get alcohol or some kind of state altering substance into my system. I’m not going to be having fun until I am intoxicated enough. This may prove challenging. FOr one I don’t want Brody to see me getting fucked up. I can’t handle seeing the look of disappointment on his face and the thought of going to rehab scares the shit out of me. Finding drugs and alcohol is really easy. Finding clean drugs and alcohol in a place like this is another thing all together.

Normally I wouldn’t care too much about the source of my drugs but tonight I am particularly on edge. I see all sorts of people I would have sold my soul to for drugs a couple months ago. Now I don’t even know if I can still get free shit from people. I might have to play the trading game. Tonight is not a night for settling for what ever I can get.

I had never realized how dirty this place is. I don’t want to be here anymore. I’m afraid to touch anything. Even the people seem really disgusting. I feel cheap because I know that I used to be exactly like them. As I wonder around I realize I have successfully lost Brody, I think. But now I don’t want to have lost him. It’s getting harder to breathe, harder to think. I should be doing something. There is something I wanted but I don’t know what anymore.

This is not my idea of fun. I see an unopened bottle of some vodka drink sitting on a table and grab it before anyone claims it. My hands are shaking and I can’t grip it properly to open it. Frustrated I am tempted to break it open but that seems impractical and too much effort. Bottle in hand, I wander off to find some solution to my dilemma. I’m not finding the right people to help me. Everyone seems hostile. I’ve been away too long. I’ve lost the comfort that comes with familiarity. The new kids don’t know me. Plus I haven’t done a very good job of keeping up with that’s been going down on the streets so I don’t know what’s being said about me. The only comfort I have right now is that it probably looks like I’m having a bad trip as I frantically look around for someone familiar and comfortable, preferably Brody. So I don’t have to worry about being branded a quitter quite yet. Because I am not really a quitter. I didn’t stop by choice and I probably haven’t stopped for good. I’m just taking a break until the time feels right to take something. SOme acid would be real good right about now.

The bottle is gripped so tightly in my hands that my knuckles are turning white. I find myself in the company of some very large men in studded leather jackets. One of them puts an arm around me. I stiffen up.

“Please don’t touch me.”

“What’s the matter, Honey? Need some big strong man to open your drink for you?” I don’t like the look he is giving me.

“No,I’m good.” The guy still hasn’t removed his arm from around me and I am getting increasingly freaked out by his closeness. Now I really wish I hadn’t lost Brody.

“I saw you dancing before. I like the way you move. Maybe you can show me some of your moves later. In private.”

“No thank you.” I smash the bottle on the concrete floor and while he is distracted I squirm my way out of his arms and away from him or any of his friends.

I run headlong into Johnny. I hadn’t realized I was running. My mind is completely scattered. I can’t take in any new information at this point.

“Hey Razor, having fun yet?”

“What?” Focusing on his words is increasingly hard. There are lights flashing everywhere and the music is booming loudly. FOrtunately Johnny isn’t completely smashed yet.

“Is everything okay?”

“Uh... I don’t know.”

“Where’s Brody?” He’s looking around.

“What?”

“Where’s Brody?”

“Um... I don’t know. He went... somewhere?”

“I’m going to page him. He’ll be able to find us if he knows we’re looking.” As he pulls out his phone I wrap my arms around him. I’m on the brink of tears and the last thing I want to do is cry in front of all these people. Brody shows up before Johnny can finish dialing.

“How the hell do you do that?”

“I’m magic.”

“We need to get out of here.”

“Why? It’s not even one yet.” I can only assume that Johnny gestures to my shaking form clinging tightly to him. “Right... let’s go then.”

Johnny picks me up and we head out of the warehouse as quickly as possible. I’m bawling my eyes out from the moment we get outside. All the conflicting emotions of the night come crashing down on me. WHen we get to the car Johnny puts me down so he can get the keys from Brody. I’m instantly furious with Brody.

“Why the fuck would you take me to a place like this? You know I haven’t been out in months. What made you think I could handle that party?!” I’m yelling and shoving him. He just takes it and doesn’t say anything. “Something really shitty could have happened. I'm in no shape to handle myself with these people. Look at me! I’m a shell of the person I used to be. I don’t have the same edge I used to. Do know how many people want to take advantage of that? You just ruined my reputation! I’m never showing my face outside of the house again!”

Johnny’s got the car running and is waiting for us to get in. They let me have to back seat to myself. The ride back is in silence as I try to fall asleep or at least calm down stretched out in the back. I bore holes in the back of Brody’s head as he finishes off the bottle of vodka we left in the car.

Vignette: Johnny and Brody playing strip poker.

Having just woken up from a nap, Razor ventured through the house to fine Johnny and Brody. When she did find them the scene was not at all what she expected. The two were seated around a card table half undressed.

“I fold.” Johnny stated slapping his hand face down on the table.

“Then you strip.”

“What? No. It doesn’t work that way.”

“Last time I folded I lost my shirt. You can’t just keep making up rules that only apply to me. That’s called cheating.”

“Fine. I don’t fold then.” Razor cleared her throat to alert them of her presence.

“Oh hey. Want to play strip poker with us?”

“I thought strip poker was just an excuse to get girls to take their tops off.”

“It is.”

“Then why are you two playing?”

“Well, we’ve already seen you in your underwear plenty so that takes all the fun out of it. We just needed something to do.”

“You guys are weird.”

Chapter 3:

Speed Monkey Caffein Freaks.

I’m sitting on my bed flipping through an old note book filled with angry drug poetry I’d written years ago. When I was still at home. Brody comes dancing in with a goofy grin plastered on his face. He goes over to my cd collection and starts going through it. Chucking the cds that displease him over his shoulder.

“You need to stop listening to this sad emo music.” He puts on some happy bouncing music. He’s looking around the room, taking in my mess. Like a curious little creature he pucks at things. Clothes, papers, books, dishes. I watch him as he hums and buzzes and sits down at my desk. Picking up a note book he flips through it. Tosses it over his shoulder. Picking up another one he starts to read out loud.

“Will you stop that!”

“Hey Johnny-boy, get in here and listen to this.” Johnny comes in with two cups of coffee. One cup for me, one cup for himself.

“Well, well, looks like our little Razor fancies herself a writer.”

“It’s good. Where’s my coffee?”

“It’s not good. Stop reading it. Leave me alone!”

“I’m cutting you off, man. You’ve had too much already. Your heart is going to explode.”

“You’ve had more than I have.”

“What on earth are you two on? Have you two been experimenting with my speed recipe again?”

“Nope. Just coffee.” Brody is nodding forcefully. I take a tentative sip but spit it out again. They’ve been fucking around with the coffee again.

“What the hell is in this? Crack?”

“Brody is clean for once. So we had to substitute caffein pills for crack.” Brody grabs my coffee from me and drinks hungrily. Johnny starts pulling off my clothes even as I protest. Brody is reading out loud again. There is nothing I can do to fight off this torrent of speed monkey caffein freaks moving about me. My mind and body are still lethargic from weeks of laying strung out in bed. I am not prepared for this. Johnny throws me naked over his shoulder.

“You, my child, are quite smelly. It is bath time for you.” It’s a strange procession as we march off to the bathroom where I am dumped unceremoniously into the bath tub. The water is turned on and before it has a chance to warm up Johnny is scrubbing me down roughly. All the while Brody drones on. I have stopped listening but Johnny’s intent expression tells me he is paying more attention to the words coming out of Brody’s mouth than what he is doing.

“Johnny! Johnny! Stop it already! I can wash myself.” I have to slap his hands away. Brody is oblivious. “Brody.”

“Huh?” He looks up at me and then quickly away.

“Stop reading that shit already. I don’t want to hear it.”

“Sorry. We’re being annoying, aren’t we?”

“You mean you weren’t doing it on purpose?”

“Of course we were. Johnny, go get her a towel.” I’m staring at Brody and he’s staring at his feet. “So how have you been doing? Are you still never going to leave the house?”

“No. I guess I’ll have to start getting out again. Just don’t force me into anything anymore. It really doesn’t help.”

“all right, but if we don’t push you a little you aren’t going to do anything and you know it.”

“True...” I finish washing up with Brody staring at his feet. His dirty bare feet speckled with paint. “tell me Brody, how have you been? You keep asking me how I’m doing but you never tell me how you are doing.”

“Well, I’ve mostly been preoccupied with being worried about you. I’ve never seen someone just completely tear herself apart the way you have. It’s been kind of scary to watch you do it. You’re wasting away. You don’t eat or do anything. I’m just trying to figure out how to help you.”

“What about yourself? Haven’t you been thinking about yourself at all?”

“Of course I have. You’re not the only one trying to figure your life out. That’s why I left, you know. I had to get back to the things that I used to be to figure out who I want to be now.”

“This conversation would be better if you’d look at me.”

“I’ve never really seen you naked before. I thought I’d be descent and look away to give you your privacy.”

“Oh right. I forgot about the nakedness. Never mind. SO how come you never told me about the painting. I didn’t even know you could draw.”

“When I started using, my art changed. Or at least I felt like it had changed. People thought I was crazy but the more I used the more I felt my art was too twisted and ugly so I just stopped painting and drawing. I dropped out of art school and put all my stuff in storage. Well actually, Johnny did that. I wanted to burn it all but he had the sense enough to stop me.”

“So now that you’re clean you’ve gotten your creativity back?”

“Not exactly but I’m trying. I’m trying to get back into the frame of mind I was in before I started using but it’s just seems so long ago I can’t remember what was going on in my head back then.”

“Well... Why did you start using drugs in the first place?” He sighs and falls silent looking thoughtful. Johnny comes in with some fluffy white towels which he dumps on the counter.

“Uh... This looks like a serious conversation. I’ll leave you two kids alone.” He backs out of the room quickly and heads out of the house.

Brody leans forward, picking at his fingers. I shut off the water to hear him better. The silence crawls on as he gives my question some serious consideration. I am surprised that he couldn’t answer my question right off. Normally he has a self-awareness that never fails to make me feel belittled.

“I’m having trouble putting my finger on the real reason. I came up with lots of reasons over the years to justify my habit. None of them really hold water now that I think about it.” He reaches over and hands me a towel. “Let’s go somewhere more comfortable. You’re going to get sick sitting there wet and naked like that.” I just nod, now wrapped up in the towel. He leads me into his room and gestures for me to sit on his red bean bad. He’s sitting across from me on his bed.

“I used to be in art school. I was one of the stop students. There was a lot of pressure on me. Everyone thought I was some kind of genius. I was having trouble handling it. I just needed some kind of escape or something. I started popping pills more and more. I lost my focus. Before I knew it, I’d been booted out of school and decided I’d never paint again. I only painted once while using and that was the mural by Johnny’s warehouse because he saved my life in a big way and I owed him.”

“Looks like we all owe Johnny for saving our lives. He seems really thrilled to see you painting again.” I pick up a sketch book lying on the ground and start to flip through it. “How do you feel about painting again?”

“It feels right. To be honest, I’ve really missed it over the years. I’ve just been too ashamed and afraid to try anything while I was still using. I would tell myself that heroin killed my creativity but that wasn’t true. I’ve got so many ideas in my head that build up from my lack of drawing and painting that it feels like I will never get them all down.”

“You have time. I mean, what else are you doing to do now that you aren’t using?”

“Heh. This is true. I’ve been considering going back to art school to finish what I started. If they let me.”

“Go for it. You’re really good. You should make something out of your talent. That way at least someone in this house isn’t just wasting their lives away.”

“Have you given any thought as to what you want to do with yourself now?”

“I can’t think of anything. There is nothing I’m really good at.”

“You’ll think of something.”

Vignette: Late night wandering.

There was something about night time that made everything feel different. It made even this secluded suburban neighborhood remind Razor of the city. It was probably the artificial light coming from the street lamps. Either way she liked to go wandering around the winding streets at night. It made her feel calm. Calm was definitely something she needed desperately these days. Everything felt so hectic and stressing that to just take the time out to observe the scenery like this was a blessing. Brody had decided to come out with her this particular evening. He did not feel the most comfortable with her being out all alone. Wisely, he kept his mouth shut. Instead he wanted to see if she was willing to talk. SO far she had stayed quiet, an unsettling distance developing between them. To compensate, Brody took hold of her hand to remind her she wasn’t alone. They spend several hours walking around. When the sun started to rise they found themselves in a park. Razor turned to Brody and hugged him tightly.

“Thank you.”

Chapter 5:

If I don’t do Something NOW I WIll go Crazy.

I’m sitting on the edge of my bed looking around. Tapping my foot like crazy. I’m trying to listen to music nut nothing is loud enough, aggressive enough. I need to be doing something but I don’t feel like doing anything. Maybe if I just sit in front of the computer I can find something to do or someone to talk to. It takes me two minutes to realize this isn’t working. I try scribbling down a few words but nothing good sounding comes out. It all sounds trite, cliché and meaningless. Much like my life. The pen goes flying soon followed by paper, note books, glasses, anything on my desk that is easily throwable. My room is completely trashed in a couple of minutes and I have to get out of there before I completely freak out and start tearing holes in the walls and ripping the light fixtures down.

I go into the kitchen. Maybe I just need to eat something. But what? I don’t know what I feel like. I don’t exactly feel hungry. I don’t exactly feel like anything. It’s one of those moods you can’t quite put your finger on but it sucks either way. I’m slamming cubbards open and shit trying to figure out what I want to eat. Nothing appeals to me therefore I am not hungry. There is some chinese leftovers in the fridge. Maybe I want that. I stand there staring at it for a couple minutes, pondering it. I close the fridge door. I think about it. I open the fridge door. I close the fridge door. Do I really want to eat? I don’t know. No I don’t. Yes I do. Maybe I’ll just have a little. No, better not. I might just end up feeling sick. DO I really want chinese food? Yes I do. I pull it out of the fridge and get a fork. I am ready to dig in when I get a whiff of the food. It’s fucking gone bad. I guess that’s a no on the chinese food. Oh well, I wasn’t hungry anyway.

What to do now? Maybe I need the catharsis of television. I stand in front of the couch, remote in hand, flipping channels. Day time television sucks ass. There is nothing on but soap operas, informercials and court TV. Frustrated, I throw the remote at the TV, breaking it. Johnny has been sitting not too far off reading and he looks up at this.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I’m just... Agitated.” I walk out of the room with him watching after me. Now what? I am at such a loss for something to do I am near the point of panicking. Walking upstairs with my fingers gliding along the walls I can feel the different in texture Brody’s murals make compared to how the walls used to feel the last time I was on E. My feet take me into the room we’ve designated the library.

There are books of all kinds lining the shelves. I start to pulls books down, one by one. Picking them at random I try to find one that interests me. Tossing the ones that displease me over my shoulder. Soon it just devolves into me pulling all the books off the shelves and kicking them around. Brody and then Johnny come running to the doorway at the sound of books landing everywhere. Apparently I’m screaming as I charge at them.

Brody catches me around the middle and lifts me off the ground. I kick and scream and thrash around wanting just to run as far and as fast as I can until my legs collapse and my lungs explode. Instead Brody is carrying me off somewhere. Probably his room. He sits down on his bed and I try to twist myself free as I feel his grasp loosen slightly.

“Johnny, grab her legs for a minute while I get a hold of her arms.” My breathing is hard and panicky as hot tears roll down my cheeks. I’m still fighting as Brody grabs my wrists and hugs my arms to my chest. When he’s sure I can’t escape, Johnny lets go of my legs. He leaves the room, apparently fully willing to let Brody deal with this one.

He’s whispering in my ear and rocking me back and forth trying to calm me down. I can’t stop crying but having him close helps. I’m shaking, I can’t help it. He just holds me closer. After a couple minutes, when he deems me calms enough he tries to get me talking.

“What’s going on, Ray?” What is going on? I try to put what’s going through my head into words but it’s too contradictory to make any kind of sense.

“I don’t know. I can’t explain it.”

“Would you try? For me?” I sigh. Suddenly, I am feeling very tired.

“It starts with not knowing what to do with myself. But it’s more than that because I don’t want to do anything but I can’t be doing nothing. I don’t want to be here but there is know where else I want to be. I can’t make up my mind about anything. Nothing feels right.” I can feel panic bubbling up inside me again. Brody is nuzzling my neck, I’m not sure if he’s listening. “Are you even listening to me?”

“Of course.” He speaks into my neck. “I’m just trying to absorb everything you are saying.” The way he is touching me makes me realize how lonely I’ve been for so long now. I’ve needed someone to just hold me like this for longer than I realized. I could have had any guy I wanted, how come I never held on to anyone of the ones who came calling? Maybe I’ve been waiting for one in particular to come calling. Am I in love with Brody? Oh man, that’s going to fuck things up even more between us. This is just more proof that I really do hate myself. But that doesn’t stop me from falling asleep in his arms.

Vignette: Johnny’s Insomnia

The night air was warm as Razor stepped out onto the roof. Johnny sat with his arms around his knees, smoking. She sat down a couple feet away from him, leaning against the multicolored siding.

“Couldn’t sleep?” She asked quietly.

“No. You either?”

“Nah. I slept a lot during the day so my internal clock is all fucked up.”

“I see.” They lapsed into silence, listening to all the night sounds. Despite the calm of the night there was something restless about Johnny. Razor watched his silhouette by the light of the street lamp. Even in this dim light she could tell he was exhausted.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“It’s just weird seeing you with hair.” She lied easily.

“Oh? And why is that?”

“You’ve been bald for so long that that’s just the way I’ve come to think of you and every time I see you it’s a shock.”

“Do I look ugly now or something?”

“No. Not at all. It’s just different, that’s all.” He ran a self conscious hand through his hair. With a sigh she came up being him and gave him a hug, her face pressed cheek to cheek with his.

“Smile more, Johnny. It’s good to have you back.” He didn’t more. She ruffled his hair before going back inside.

“It’s good to be back.” Flicking the cigarette off the roof he stared up at the barely visible stars.

Chapter 23:

Tree House Play-Along.

Brody is standing in front of the patio door holding a cup of coffee. The annoying electric noises of power tools can be heard. Coming up beside him I can see what he’s been looking at.

“What’s Johnny doing?”

“Building a tree house it would seem.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. He’s been acting kind of strange lately. He’s been at it since this morning. The noise is what woke me up.” Johnny is hard at work cutting wood and putting things together.

“Have you talked to him?”

“I tried. He was too distracted for me to get much out of him.”

“Uh huh. How long do you think it will take him to build that thing?”

“From what I saw of his plans he’ll be at it all week.”

“That’s just wonderful. The neighbors will be thrilled.”

“Fuck the neighbors. I just hope he doesn’t work through the night. I want to be able to sleep.”

“Oh yeah, that’s right you have a job now, don’t you?”

“No. That was just an excuse.”

“So where did you go for so long all the time.”

“Rehab counseling.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, for some reason I didn’t feel comfortable telling you the truth. I didn’t know how you’d react to it.”

“I probably would have taunted you and called you a quitter.”

“That’s wonderful.”

“Hey, drugs make everyone an asshole.”

“This is true. I can’t say I’m any different. I’ve done some pretty nasty things to people I care about while twisted.”

“I’m sure what ever you did wasn’t that bad. You don’t have a mean bone in your body.”

“You’d be surprised actually. I’m too ashamed to tell you all the things I’ve done but I completely wrecked my relationship with Deirdre. She wont even speak to me any more.”

“Deirdre?”

“My sister. I can’t say I blame her. The things I did were horrible and she does have her children to look after.”

Johnny has stopped working and is looking quizzically at us. There are deep circles under his eyes but despite looking disheveled and tired his gray eyes still shine brings. He slides the door open to talk to us.

“What are you children up to?”

“Why are you building a tree house, Johnny?”

“See that tree out there?” He says pointing to a large tree smack in the middle of the backyard. “It’s just begging to have a tree house put in it.”

“That doesn’t really answer the question.” He has to look at me for a while to come up with a response. I can almost see the cogs turning in his head.

“Haven’t you always wanted a tree house as a kid?”

“I had one. It was no fun without any friends to enjoy it with.”

“Well I always dreamed of having one but living in a trailer park we didn’t exactly have the place or the funds for one. I figured now that I have the means I might as well make the dream come true.”

“Sounds good to me.”

“I’m telling you this as a friend; you look like shit, man. You need to take a break and eat something or get some sleep. You are in no condition to be using power tools.”

“Relax Brody. There is a trained medic present at all times.”

“What are you going to do when you saw your finger off?”

“Bleed all over my tree house. It’s cool, I’ll come in for a sandwich later. This is just something I’ve got to do.”

“Well let me know if you need any help.”

Johnny closes the door and goes back to work. I turn to Brody.

“You know he hasn’t been sleeping, right?”

“Yeah. He’s bugged me into keeping him company a few times. I figure we’ve just got to let his insomnia run it’s course and put up with all his little projects.”

“I think it’s more than just insomnia. SOmething is bothering him and it’s eating away at his insides.”

“If that’s the case then good luck getting him to talk about it.”

“I’m not going to get it out of him, you are.”

“What? Why me?”

“Because you are his best friend and you know he’d do the same for you even with the way things are between you two right now. And because I’m telling you to. Just get him really drunk. I’m sure it’ll spill right out.”

“God, that will take all night.”

“He’s your friend and it will be worth it in the end. You two will have some quality male bonding time and feel better.”

“Male bonding... I don’t wanna. I had enough of that in the army.”

“Stop being an ass and take your friend out boozing tonight. I think the both of you could use the night out.”

“Why don’t you come with us?”

“Because Johnny is too concerned with protecting me to talk about anything bothering him. Not to mention he trusts you with that kind of shit more than he does me. You guys have history.”

“You should get out of the house anyway. You spend too much time around here.”

“Don’t worry. Sadie and I are going out to wreak havoc on the town tomorrow.”

“Who’s Sadie?”

“She’s the one I got expelled from school with. I told you that story, remember?”

“Oh yeah, right.”

“No you don’t. Come on, I’ll tell it to you again while we shave your head.” I reach up and rub the over grown fuzz on his head before dragging him away from where he had been watching Johnny working.

Figure J:

The Pee Game

A betting game most enjoyable while inebriated.

Supplies:

- Large plastic cups

- Markers

- Money or some other type of currency

- 5 or more people

Select one person from the group for the role of filling the cup. Pass the cup around to everyone else in the group so that they may draw a line with their name on the cup where they think the person will fill the cup to. Once everyone has made their guess and placed their bets the person goes and fills the cup. Who ever’s line is closest to being right wins the pot.

Chapter 42:

Boozing Down the Street.

Setting the bottles on the table I am doing something I have not done in a long time. I am going to get incredibly drunk. I’ve been craving it for a while now. I’m tired of being sober. I need a release, a break from my mind. The taste is worse than I remember but that doesn’t matter. I’m downing the stuff as quickly as possible. There is no point in drinking unless you are getting drunk. So I’m going to drink as much as I can as fast as I can. I’m mixing impromptu drinks in my mouth. Three bottles sit in front of me. Things I have never tried before. I just went to the liquor store and picked what was most appealing. This wasn’t really a planned thing. Just happened to be passing by and decided it was time for some fun.

Brody walks into the kitchen presumable to get some food or something like that. The paint splattered all over his hands and arms is brightly colored and makes me smile. I’m still waiting to be drunk. He’s stopped now and is staring at me.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m getting uproariously drink. What else would I be doing with all this alcohol?”

“Why?”

“Because I feel like it.”

“Uh huh...” He leaves the kitchen without what ever it was he came for. I continue drinking. I’m glad I didn’t get the big bottles because it looks like I’ll drink whatever is put in front of me. I don’t want to show any restraint. Today I’m going to get as wasted as possible. It’s going to be fun. I can hear Brody and Johnny talking in the other room.

“Do you know what she is doing in there?”

“By the sound of it she is drinking.”

“And you are okay with that? If she starts drinking now we’ll never be able to get her to put the bottle down again.”

“Trust me, it was better to just let her do this than to try and stop her after she had already come home with the stuff. We’ll let her have her do it once while she’s got the idea in her head.”

“This is not a mess that I want to clean up.”

“Don’t worry about that. When she’s just drinking she’s pretty good at finding a toilet in time.”

“We’re going to have to baby sit her all day aren’t we?”

“Possibly. I don’t think she will get that out of hand. She’s a happy drunk. But she will want to make out with someone at some point so watch out for that.”

They sit down in front of me. Johnny is smiling, Brody looks terrified. I can’t help bursting into laughter at this scene. Johnny reaches over to grab a sip from one of my bottles. I slap his hand away.

“Get you’re own you bum. You have more stashed away than I do.”

“You’re going to drown your liver.”

“Brody, want a sip?” He shakes his head fervently and edges away from me a bit. More laughter. I’m starting to feel drunk. It’s going to be fun.

“She’s drunk.”

“I’m going out.” Brody tries to get up but Johnny grabs him, forcing him back down.

“Stay. This is going to be entertaining.”

“I am just your dancing monkey to you aren’t I?”

“You speak real good too.”

“Shut up. I’m drunk.”

“We noticed.”

“When I am finished this I am going to kick both your asses.”

“When you finish that you wont be able to stand.”

“You don’t know that. You have never seen me drunk. I am a very graceful drunk.” As this sentence leaves my mouth I manage to knock over a fortunately empty bottle which rolls across the table and nearly goes crashing to the ground except that Johnny caches it.

“She’s usually more graceful than you are with that much alcohol in you.” Brody glares at Johnny.

“I don’t know what you are talking about”

“All done!” The last of my alcohol is now gone and I’m feeling good. Standing up is an interesting experience. I’m gaf I already have my boots laced because that would be a very difficult task in this state. I’m outside with them following me. The sun is out but it is not necessarily the warmest of days. That’s okay, I’m warm enough anyway.

Heading out onto the street despite any protests from Brody or Johnny. I pick a direction that I don’t usually go it. It’s early afternoon and the streets are deserted. I’m looking for a park. Or just somewhere I’ve never been.

“Where are you taking us?”

“We’re going on adventure.”

“That’s fancy talk for you don’t know.”

“Exactly.” I take us down another random road. There is no plan really. That’s why today’s going well. I haven’t felt this free and easy in so long. They are following at a bit of a distance, watching me stumble around on the street. It’s a good thing there aren’t many people out driving.

“You guys are just waiting for me to fall flat on my face.”

“No. We’re waiting for you to vomit. You had a lot of alcohol.”

“I need to pee.”

“You are classy.”

“No, but you don’t understand. I need to pee now.”

“You should have gone before leaving the house.” I’m dancing around. The situation seems hopeless so I try my best to hold it in. They can’t contain their laughter.

“You guys are jerks. I’m going to pee myself.”

“Why don’t you pop a squat somewhere?” That is a very good idea. I look for the best place to do it. I need somewhere that is able to hide me enough that I am not completely exposed. I am not drunk enough to go just anywhere. Then I find it. It’s a nice cluster of trees and bushes. I run over into the middle of it and drop my pants as quickly as I can. It’s a bit tricky not peeing on myself and not falling over but I manage.

“What are you doing?!” An old woman is standing at the door glaring at me. Johnny an Brody are laughing the piss out of themselves as I hurriedly pull my pants up and bolt down the street. I got pee on my pants and I can feel it on the back of my legs. This is not my best moment. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry but I’m too out of breath to do wither. Running drunk is hard. It’s time to go home. That woman shocked some of the drunkenness out of me.

“Brody, carry me home. I’m too lazy to walk.”

“Fine but only because you look like you are going to fall over and I’ll end up having to carry you home anyway.” I like being carried around. It makes my life easy. Looking at my watch it’s been over two hours since I started drinking. I couldn’t feel the time passing. It’s being alive in the moment. How awesome is that? This day will last forever. Forever. Forever. Home is in front of me. I plop down on the couch to stare blankly forward. My head is pretty empty. I like it. SOmeone hands me a glass of water and puts food in front of me. Brody sits down beside me. It’s silence for a while as I eat and drink and try to sober up. I can feel trouble coming.

“Ray, we should talk.”

“About what?”

“Don’t start this.”

“Start what? There was no plan for today. It was just a spur of the moment. A lot of fun though.”

“That’s what I mean. I don’t want you to start drinking everyday. You’d just be giving up one addiction for another. It’s not going to get you anywhere.”

“But it is do much fun. I haven’t felt good like this in a long time. I just needed that. SO maybe I’ll do it again more often.”

“Don’t do that. I’m not telling you this to be an asshole. Don’t start drinking all the time. You are going to spin out of control again. You aren’t the only one who is looking after you now. We don’t want to have to fight with you to put the bottle down. Please don’t drink.”

“I’ll try but it’s so nice to be drunk.”

“Are you going to be okay? Do you need a bucket or anything?”

“No. I think I’m going to be fine. I still feel pretty alright even if I’m sobering up.”

“That’s good. You might want to think about getting some sleep. You look really tired.”

“I’ll get there eventually. I’m just going to sit her for a while.”

“Do you want any company?”

“No. I don’t really feel like talking. No offense.” He ruffles my hair as he walks by me out of the room. The quiet of the house is nice. I can’t remember being this calm ever. Brody’s concern is heart warming. I’m glad that this time he tries to help instead of leaving me alone. I don’t want to hit bottom again. That’s not an option.

Chapter 7:

Just Hold Me While I Cry a Little?

I guess Johnny got tired of seeing me around the house because he sent me out to collect money from the dealers he supplies. I never used to mind doing this for him, in fact I used to get money out of it myself. That could be why Johnny stopped sending me. But as I’m walking through the latest abandoned building Johnny’s dealers and their junkies have been squatting in I’m feeling more than a little uncomfortable.

That could be because people are talking about me in a less than glorious light. Clearly my little freak out at last month’s party has not been forgotten. I guess this is what I get for being the girl that knows everyone. I hear them calling me a burn out. Saying that I’m washed up and shouldn’t still be around. I don’t belong. I’m a quitter. Maybe they’re right. I just want to get the fuck out of here.

I put on a hardened look of disinterest, an expression that still comes easily enough to me. No matter what I can’t show any of this effects me. I walk up to Max. Max is always the money man. He turns to me, looking more than slightly amused to see me there.

“What do you want?”

“I’m here to collect.”

“Come back tomorrow.” He always tries this. To see how far I’ll let him push me around.

“If I leave here empty handed, Johnny says you can find a new supplier. He’s tired of your constant late payments.”

“Maybe because his product doesn’t move so fast.”

“That’s bullshit and we both know it.”

“Oh do we now? How can you know when you’ve been off the street for months.”

“Just because you don’t see me doesn’t mean I’m not still there. Now pay up. I’m not leaving here empty handed. Not this time.” He sighs in annoyance. All amusement in my presence has vanished and now he just wants to get rid of me. Good. I don’t want to be here any more. He pulls out a wad of cash and hands it to me with a dismissive wave of his hand.

I am so glad to be gone. My mood has taken a nose dive and I feel like I’m going to cry. I remember a time when everyone loved me. How easily people turn on you. I feel like everyone I know hates me. Instead of waiting for the bust I just walk home. I would have taken the car but I don’t trust this neighborhood with my baby.

I drag my feet, feeling defeated. Even though I performed well and managed to hold my own against someone who is in much better form and knows it. Still I can’t help feeling pretty worthless by the time I get home. I want to find Johnny and get rid of this cash as soon as possible but the house is too quiet for him to be home. I march upstairs to find Brody.

“Where’s Johnny?”

“Uh... He went out like twenty minutes ago. I think he went to his lab so we probably wont see him for a couple days.”

“Oh.” Brody is looking up at me from his spot on the floor where he’d been drawing in a large sketch book. There are art supplies scattered all over his carpet.

“Is everything okay?”

“No. I don’t want to talk about it. Could you just hold me? I think I’m going to start crying now.” He sets his sketch book aside and clears space for me to curl up against him. he doesn’t say anything as I start to cry gently, just rubs my back and lets me have my peace. Just knowing that he’s there makes me feel better. I calm down after a couple minutes but am reluctant to move. He doesn’t make me and I sit there listening to him breathe, his heart beat. I take him in. How he feels, his warmth, his smell. I am so totally in love with him, I feel pathetic. We sit like this for a long time. I don’t think he minds. He starts to play with my hair the way he used to when we did E together.

“I hate to ruin the moment, Ray, but I really need to go smoke. You can come outside with me.” I shake my head but let him get up. “Will you be okay here by yourself?”

“You’re only going to be gone for fifteen minutes. I’m not a baby.”

“Okay.” It takes him a minute to locate his smokes and a lighter and then he leaves the room. I wonder why he doesn’t just go smoke out on the roof. There is a nice view up there.

As I’m sitting on his floor by myself I notice his sketch book lying near my foot. he’d never really showed me any of his work so I can’t help being curious. Grabbing the book and opening it to the beginning. The date on the first drawing is from over six years ago. There are all these drawings of a beautiful brunette. SOme nude, some laughing, some serious. One of them has “Love you always” scrawled in the corner. Who ever this woman is, Brody clearly was in love with her. While the book is not filled entirely with drawings of her, they are in the great majority. I get to the last page he’s worked on. There is again a drawing of a woman, the face has not yet been filled in but I’m sure it’s of this mysterious love of his. I can’t help feeling crushed. Here is this beautiful woman that Brody is clearly head over heels for. There is no what I can even compare. I feel hopelessly stupid for being hung up on him. He’d never even mentioned this woman to me. I must not mean much to him.

“Those are really old drawings. My style’s change a fair bit since then.” He makes me jump. I didn’t notice him come in and sit down next to me.

“She’s pretty. Who is she?” He takes the book from my hand.

“Her name is Lillith and she was my fiancée. That was before the drugs. I haven’t seen her since I first joined the army. She didn’t like the whole junkie thing I had going on.”

“How come you haven’t mentioned anything about her before?”

“Because she hurt me bad. I really just couldn’t talk about it. Even now it’s something I can’t really talk about. If you really want to know about the whole affair, Johnny got it out of me when I was really messed up once. He knows the whole story but I really can’t tell you about it yet.” He’s looking sadly at his old drawings, brushing her features with his fingers.

“Do you still love her?”

“Sometimes.” That’s not the answer I want to hear. “I regret the way things ended between us. SO many times I’ve wished I could go back in time and change things. I wrote her a letter a couple weeks ago. She wants me to come visit her.”

“Are you going to?”

“Yeah. I’m going next week for two or three days.”

“Were you going to tell me about that or just vanish for a bit on me again?” I lash out because I’m feeling stupid that this hurts me. It seems like there is so much to Brody he doesn’t want me to know about. I keep stumbling upon things by accident but he never tells me openly. Now I find out he’s been carrying this love and wound with him for much longer than he’s even known me.

“Of course I was going to tell you. To be honest, I’ve been dreading having to explain this to you. I wasn’t sure how you would react.”

“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little upset by this. I’m starting to feel like I’ve been living with a total stranger this whole time. There is so much you don’t seem to want to tell me about yourself.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to tell you about this stuff. I just feel like I’ve known you forever so I forget there is still a lot you don’t know about me. I’m not purposefully hiding anything from you.” He wraps an arm around my shoulder and pulls me closer. “Don’t worry, you’re very important to me. I don’t know what I’d do without your crazy antics to remind me that I’m not completely crazy myself.”

“Thanks. That makes me feel real good about myself.”

“Well at least you know that if all else fails you are always handy for a good laugh. Now lets go have some mils and cookies.”

“We don’t have any milk.”

“Then we improvise. Where is your sense of adventure?”

“It ran away the moment the word ‘improvise’ left your mouth.” This sudden return of ease between us is more relieving than I had expected. Sometimes it’s hard to notice the tension when it’s been a long time building up. I realize that even if he doesn’t feel the way I do he still loves me and for now that’s good enough.

Chapter 10:

I Don’t Know, He’s Just Brody.

“Johnny? How did you meet Brody?” We’re in the kitchen. Johnny’s cooking us some dinner. I’m feeling kind of lonely without Brody. He’s been gone a day and I miss him already.

“We met in the army. I thought I told you that. Or that he did. I was sure you knew.”

“Yeah, but you two never really talk about it so I don’t really know any of the details. I’m curious. You guys know all about me and I hardly know anything about you two.”

“Well you never seemed concerned about that before.”

“This is now. So come on, tell me.”

“I guess I should start with the fact that he transferred into my until a couple days before we shipped out into the buttfuck middle of the desert. He was a moody withdrawn son of a bitch. No body liked him very much. We didn’t know what his problem was. At least he didn’t talk much. That was his one redeeming quality. Once we got to the desert and were really away from civilization he started to get weirder. At which point everyone avoided him when possible and that seemed to suit everyone involved.

“Being a medic, I noticed something others wouldn’t. The son of a bitch was a junkie and going in and out of withdrawal as clearly he didn’t have access to a steady supply of heroin. He was damn lucky he got transferred into my unit. Knowing me, I was able to hook him up real good but I didn’t want to at first. Man, no boy liked Brody. He was not what most considered soldier material. it wasn’t until I found him in the throws of some serious withdrawal that I took pity on him. The way he saw it, I had saved his life and after that he started being a bit more friendly. He was an all right kind of guy. Just had some serious problems.”

“How did you guys get so close? I mean it just sounds like you were casual friends. How did you guys end up being blood brothers?”

“Patience, child. I haven’t finished my story. While Brody thinks I saved his life, he saved my life for real. Nearly got himself blown all to hell at the same time. I will tell you one thing, Brody is one lucky asshole.

“We’re in the middle of a fire fight. There is like ammo flying everywhere. I’m behind a car trying to deal with a guy who just got his foot blown off. Brody meanwhile is watching out back. While he’s shooting in one direction, someone throws a grenade at us. it lands like right beside me but I don’t notice it at first because obviously, I am quite busy. it’s not until the wounded guy points it out that we react. I am at a loss as what to do. Brody just grabs the thing and runs out right into everyone’s line of fire and tosses the thing at the large cluster of bad guys.

“I don’t know why he ran out like that instead of just tossing it over the car. Almost right after the thing left his hand it blew up sending him flying back and killing a bunch of the bad guys. He took a couple bullets in the side that day.”

“I wondered where those scars came from.”

“Yeah... Brody is a crazy son of a bitch. He got some kind of medal for bravery for that little stunt.”

“So how did you guys get kicked out of the army? I remember Brody mentioning it once but he never really explained it to me.”

“I’m surprised he mentioned it at all. He is one tight lipped bastard.”

“Well we were both high and drunk at the time. Even the most secretive of people are blabber mouths in that kind of condition.”

“This is true. Well this is a short story, really. SOme guy was doing an inventory check and noticed that I was using more morphine then I needed to be. So I was taking heat for it. They were going to court-martial me. Brody didn’t want me to go down for him so he started to make out like he was stealing it and framing me. That brought his drug use into the spot light. Things got complicated. Eventually the found out the whole truth and for some reason, still unknown to us they decided to just discharge us instead of making us serve full prison terms. I blame Brody’s luck for that.”

While he talks he serves up dinner for us. We lapse into silence as he watches me intently to make sure I consume the tiny portion he served me.

“So why the sudden curiosity about Brody?”

“I told you already, I’d just like to know more about the people I live with.”

“Yeah but you’re only asking about Brody. I’m feeling neglected.”

“I already know more about you than I could ever want to. You are a talkative drunk. Brody is not talkative period. But he will talk about you because he has some freaky man crush on you going on.”

“I feel flattered. I’ll have to remember to tease him about that when he gets back.”

“How did you know he was an artist. I could never figure that out. And if he had sworn never to paint again, how on earth did you get him to paint that mural outside your place?”

“I found out about him being an artist because at one point not too long after we’d been booted out of the army he decided to take up the life of a nomad and needed my help packing up all hit stuff and putting it in storage. So he brings me to his place, it’s this small studio apartment filled with canvases. He scared the shit out of me because he wanted to burn them all. I nearly gave him the beating of a life time for it. There was no way I could destroy all that amazing work. As it was we had to paint over the murals he had done or else the landlord would have had his ass. If there is one thing I have hated myself for doing over the years, it’s slopping white paint all over Brody’s beautiful masterpiece.

“That’s why I made him paint me that mural to make up for it. I made him recreate the one we destroyed. To actually get him to do it I had to cut him off for a bit. He was so made at me for that. he took off for a long time and I couldn’t get him to come back. I feel a bit guilty because I know he really hit bottom not too long after that. I feel like maybe I set him off. He overdosed for the first time a couple months later.”

“The first time? I didn’t know he’d ever overdosed before. He always seemed so in control of his drug use. You make it sound like he’s overdosed a bunch of times.”

“Brody was using for a good six years. Anyone taking heroin for that long is bound to overdose at least once. Brody was using to cope with his problems. That’s a very dangerous mix. You met him as he was slowly coming out of addiction. You never saw him at his worst.

“I can’t even picture him like that. A lot of junkies you get the feeling they are living close to death but Brody still seemed so full of vitality. I think I started sinking deeper into my addictions as he was pulling away from me. But he was pulling away from me because he was seeing how I was spinning out of control.”

“I’ll be honest, I’m still pretty mad that he left you the way he did. I never wanted to see you in that state. There was a point when I wasn’t sure you’d survive. I was really tempted to just disown him for it. You’re the reason I haven’t. So far. Because I know you love him. Even though you’re angry still and probably confused.” He makes me blush. I hate how he can read my mind like that.

“I love him like a brother.”

“I’m sure it’s more than that, little miss mopey.”

“This conversation is over.” I get up and start walking back to my room. He follows suit, taunting me all the way. It takes shutting the door in his face and blasting music to shut him up.

Chapter 8:

I promise to never stab you with a fork.

It’s about two in the AM and I am lying in Brody’s bed missing him. He’s been gone for four days and in that time I found out just how much I am head over heels for him. His bed is saturated with his smell even though it has been vacant the past couple days. I bury my face deep in the billow taking in his scent and wishing he were here. Outside I can hear the purr of the GTO as it pulls into the driveway. My heart rate quickens and I want to run outside and throw my arms around him but I restrain myself. I don’t want him to know just how much I’ve missed him. I’d like to at least keep up the appearance of being stronger than that.

I decide to wait and find out how his trip went before I pour affection all over him. For all I know he could be getting back together with Lillith to live happily ever after and I will never be able to tell him the truth about my feelings. So I continue to pretend to be asleep as I hear footsteps coming up the stairs. Brody and Johnny are talking.

“So how did it go, man?”

“Oh, I don’t know. It was quite the trip. Lillith failed to mention she is an inpatient at one of those government run mental institutions.” They come into his room. Brody sits on the edge of his bed and starts to remove his shoes while Johnny sits on the red bean bag across from him.

“You’re shitting me!”

“No. She’s been there for like five years now. Apparently she didn’t handle the break up any better than I did. She had a mental break down and drove her car off the highway. The result was not pretty. She’d got burns covering a good chunk of her from what I saw.”

“That’s rough.”

“It’s kind of sick but I feel relieved that she couldn’t handle it any better than I did. But I feel guilty for what happened to her.”

“Dude, it’s not entirely your fault. I mean, sure it was you being a junkie that split you two up but you had a lot of other shit on your plate that you really couldn’t control. It’s not your fault she couldn’t handle that.”

“I still feel bad. She couldn’t exactly handle seeing me again, either. She stabbed me with a fork.” He shows Johnny the bandage on his shoulder. “She didn’t get me very deep but she hit my collar bone so it still hurts like a mother fucker. The doctors gave me some pain killers for that but I think I’ll just suffer through it.”

“You better keep those stashed away pretty good. Ray-Ray’s seemed pretty mopey of late.”

“How were things with her while I was gone?”

“She missed you. A lot. But otherwise she seemed not bad. I didn’t have to fight to much with her about eating. Over all things were pretty quiet around here without you.”

“That’s good. I’m gonna hit the hay. It was a long trip.” He looks down at his occupied bed, “I guess I’m sleeping on the couch tonight.”

“Just get in bed with her. She wont mind the closeness. In fact I secretly think she wants to be a lot closer to you then she gets to be most of the time.”

“What makes you say that?” Brody sounds surprised if not a bit pleased.

“Haven’t you noticed the way she calms down almost the instant you get your arms around her when she’s panicking? Most people freak out on anyone who tries to get close to them in that state. I’m sure if I tried the same thing she’s just claw my eyes out.”

“How do you know that’s not what’s going to happen when she wakes up to find me in bed with her? I’m kind of clingy in my sleep.”

“Because I know her and I see the way she is with you. She is so in love with you. I’ve never seen her like this with anyone else. Besides, she’s especially harmless in the mornings.” I freeze at his words. I can’t believe Johnny just said that. I didn’t think it was that obvious. My face is burning and I have an intense desire to be somewhere else. I’m scare to hear what Brody says next.

“Really?”

“Yeah, man. Totally.”

“So what should I do?”

“That’s really up to you. But I suggest getting into bed and getting some sleep. You look shit tired.”

“All right. Good night, Johnny.” Johnny leaves the room and I can hear Brody undressing. I rack my brain trying to find something to say but can’t think of anything that doesn’t sound completely retarded. I don’t know if I should let him know that I heard the whole thing or not. The best solution I can come up with is just to keep on pretending I’m asleep and enjoy how it feels to have Brody laying so close beside me in his twin sized bed.

Chapter 26:

Let’s not get over complicated.

The sun is warm on my face when I wake up after a solid night of sleep. For once I am not tired immediately after waking up. Brody has got his arms around me and his face buried in my hair. I wiggle closer to him taking advantage of this situation. This is probably the best way I have ever woken up.

“Hey.” His breath tickles my shoulder.

“How long have you been awake for?”

“Maybe twenty minutes.”

“Why didn’t you wake me up?”

“I know you don’t usually sleep very well so I figured I should let you sleep while you can. That and I didn’t want to wake up at such a close range. I’ve already been attacked by one crazy woman this week and that’s enough for me.”

“How did you trip go?”

“Not the way I expected, that’s for sure.”

“Did you get what you wanted out of it at least?”

“I’m not sure. I can’t decide what I really wanted. I didn’t know if I just wanted closure or if I was expecting some happy reunion.” I twist around to face him not realizing how close we are. I’m not used to being quite this close to him. Usually one of us will pull away.

“You know I heard you and Johnny talking last night.” He looks away, blushing a little.

“So I guess we have somethings to talk about.”

“Yeah. Like what exactly is going on between us? I know I am incredibly attracted to you. I’ve had a crush on you for a while now but didn’t want to admit it.”

“I never let myself see you as anything other than Johnny’s street kid. For a lot of reasons. I didn’t think Johnny would really approve of me lusting after you. You didn’t seem too interested in me. The biggest reason is that I didn’t realize how much I was still carrying a torch for Lillith. It took seeing her again to make me realize it. It’s probably why I haven’t been in a relationship since.”

“What about now?”

“Now I’m ready to move on I think. The Lillith I knew and loved doesn’t exist anymore. It is going to take me some time to sort myself out.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning I am attracted to you and I do care about you a whole lot but right now there are too many things I still need to figure out. You have a lot of things you need to figure out or resolve too. I don’t think either of us would be able to handle the extra complication of a relationship.”

“Oh. I guess you are right.” I can’t hide my disappointment when we are this close. I’m torn between getting up and leaving or staying in his arms for as long as he will let me.

“This isn’t me saying no forever. I’m just saying I’d like to wait a while until we are both more stable.”

“Being stable is overrated.”

“You are the antithesis of stable now and that kind of scares me.”

“So what do we do now then?”

“For now we’re just friends. Like we’ve always been. That means keeping your hand to yourself gropey mcgropester.”

“I guess that means I should stop petting you now.”

“No, no. It feels nice when you rub my head like that.” I can’t help laughing at the look of sheer pleasure on his face. If he could purr he would right now.

“But seriously, how do you expect me to keep my hands to myself when I never have. You’ve always let me get overly comfortable with you. Why do you think it got harder for you to get laid when we went out partying.”

“Hmm... I guess it just means I can’t be waking up to you all over me like that one time...”

“And I take it sharing a bed is out of the question, too?”

“For now at least. Why? Are you afraid of the dark? Do you need me to protect you from all the things that go bump in the night?”

“Maybe...”

“Get Johnny to sleep with you then.”

“Yeah, because he’s real intimidating.”

“You have a point, but he’s bigger so the monsters would eat him first giving you a chance to escape.”

“Johnny kicks in his sleep. I’m not suffering that on the off chance that the monsters decide to eat me.

“Well that’s your tough luck.”

“Bastard.” I shove him out of the bed and while he is sprawled on the floor I lean over with a smug smile on my face. “Now get back in the kitchen and bake me a pie, bitch!”

Vignette: Going to bed.

They were in Brody’s room. He was playing his guitar softly as Razor lay lazily on his bed. It was late in the evening and the sun had already gone down. She was happy to just fall asleep where she was. Being near Brody always seem to make her feel warm inside. She didn’t notice when he stopped playing until he leaned over her after putting his guitar back in it’s battered case.

“It’s getting late. I’m going to hit the sack now.”

“I guess that means I’m going to have to move then?” She grumbled as she sat up and her disappointment was not very skillfully hidden.

“Sorry.”

“Hey, it’s your bed. You have every right to kick me out. I wouldn’t mind getting some sleep now myself.” With a hug good night she left his room a went downstairs. Getting into bed, all the sleepiness she felt before was gone. Now only conflicting, torturous thoughts filled her head, leaving her wise awake in the dark.

Chapter 49:

Pant Vibrations.

“What’s up with you two?”

“Huh?” Brody looks up from the book he’s reading with an expression of utter confusion.

“What’s going on with you two? Razor’s avoiding you. Why?” Putting his book down Brody sighs before sitting up to have this conversation with Johnny.

“I asked her for some time and some space so I can figure some stuff out for myself.”

“That’s all? She’s acting like you flat out rejected her.”

“I’m sure that’s the way it feels to her. I just don’t want to plunge headlong into a relationship I may not be ready for. That would be a disaster for all of us.”

“One that I wouldn’t want to have to clean up.”

“Exactly. Besides, I don’t think a relationship is exactly what Ray needs right now. It’ll just make things more complicated and possibly harder for her to cope with than they already are.”

“I’m worried now though. She comes to you for comfort more than me now. If she feels like she can’t come to you I don’t know if she will tell me when something is wrong. She’s never been the most open with me about serious things.”

“I wish she were better at asking for help.”

“Maybe she learned from you.”

“Shut up. I know you’re still mad at me.”

“Look, Razor almost died and I don’t think she’s in the clear yet. If anything were to happen to her now I don’t know what I’d do. She kept me sane for the past three years. I can’t imagine life without her but I’m sure it wouldn’t be as bright.”

“It’s strange the magnetism she has over people. The way she weasels her way into your life. She scares me though, always has. A nineteen year old girl consuming drugs like a fat kid eats cake. She’s worse than I’ve ever been and I thought I’d had it bad. Even just the way she has not ambitions for her life, nothing she wants to do. Nothing to look forward to. A person who can live like that scares me. In a way she scared me straight.”

“Are you running away from her than, because she scares you?”

“She scares me but I’m in love with her. I don’t know if I’m running from her or not. That’s the kind of thing I need to figure out.”

“You and your head trips, man. Will you at least get help when you need it? Promise me that? I’ve seen you fall apart and self distract over all the upsets and head trips in your life.”

“All right. I promise I will ask for help this time.”

“Good. I can only handle one melting down kid at a time.”

“Speaking of our resident Head Case. What’s Ray-Ray up to?”

“She’s sleeping I think. That’s all she seems to be doing of late.”

“She has been making an effort to get out of the house. I get the feeling she’s been trying to create a semblance of normalcy for our sake. It must be wearing her down.”

“Why do you think she’s doing that?”

“That’s what I used to do after my parents died. I put on a happy face, went to school, did my homework, ate, bathed. Just to keep the shrinks and social workers off my back. Few things have come close to being as exhausting as that.”

“I forgot you’d been through the same kind of depression. How did you get through it?”

“I found a distraction and outlet in art and eventually I just stopped being so angry at my parents for dying.”

“I’m just trying to think how Razor’s going to get through it. She’s just so stubborn.”

“We’re going to pull her out of her dark hole. All she needs is our support and to know we aren’t going to let her just sink into the bottom and waste away.”

“How am I supposed to sit and watch her suffer and not be able to do anything?”

“You grin and bare it. Seeing you unhappy or sad will only put more pressure on her. Pressure she can’t really handle right now.”

“I know.” They sit in silence for a long time contemplating their situation. The silence is slightly awkward with unresolved tension between Johnny and Brody. It seems like neither is willing to give any ground. Neither wants to give up being right in a situation where no one is really wrong.

“What the hell are you smiling at.” Brody has a small smile on his face as he digs into his pocket.

“My pants are vibrating.”

“What?” He holds up his cell phone which he proceeds to answer. Johnny listens aptly to the one-sided conversation.

“Hello? - This is him. Oh hey! Sure, I remember you. What’s up? You’re kidding! - Are you sure? It’s okay, we’ll take care of it. Don’t worry. We’ll make sure she can’t do anything. Thank you so much for letting me know. Okay bye.”

“Who was that?”

“Lina. Razor is planning to do something stupid and we have to go stop her. Now.” They both jump up at once and rush to Razor’s room. Fear creating a lump in both their throats.

Chapter 22:

The Logical Conclusion.

It’s around midnight and I’m sitting in the dark staring at pills spread out in front of my computer. I can’t sleep and got tired of lying in bed with my eyes wide open. My music collection is frustratingly devoid of anything that I really want to listen to so for once I am sitting in complete silence except for the hum of the computer. My mood’s hit rock bottom and I’m stuck sitting alone to stew in it. Brody and Johnny are somewhere in the house but I really don’t have the energy to track either down or really express myself. I don’t know what to do to make myself feel better. I haven’t been able to make myself feel happy in a long time. Too long. Staring from the pills to the computer screen the minutes crawl by. The chime letting me know someone has come online echoes in my ears, breaking the silence. It’s Line, my first friend I ever made on the streets. I’m glad to get the chance to talk to her before I got although I have no idea how she has access to the internet at this hour. She must have broken into the library again.

Ray: Lina! I’m glad I caught you.

Lina: What’s up?

Ray: I want you to know that you are very important to me and I care for you deeply.

Lina: I love you too, babe. But what are you telling me this now?

Ray: I’m probably not going to be around for very much longer.

Lina: Why not? What’s wrong?

Ray: Everything sucks.

Lina: Okay... What does that have to do with you being around?

Ray: I just don’t see the point in going on any more.

Lina: Shit babe, what are you up to?

Ray:...

Ray: Nothing anyone will like.

Lina: Don’t do anything stupid.

Ray: It’s not like I’m really living as it is now.

Lina: Just talk to me about it. I don’t want to see you go.

Ray: It’s not there is much of me left anymore. I just don’t have anything left. There is so much wrong with me. I can’t find anything good in me.

Lina: Ray... You are stronger than this. Just hold on a while longer. Things are bound to get better.

Ray: I have been holding on. Things are just getting worse. There is nothing left.

Lina: Please, hold on for me? Hold on for Brody. Why don’t you talk to him about this?

Ray: I don’t know how to tell him. I guess I’ll write him a letter now... to explain things.

Lina: This is really cruel of you. You’re copping our, you know that.

Ray: Yes and I don’t care. I just wanted to say good bye. I’ve thought a lot about this in the past few weeks and I’ve made up my mind.

Lina: Will you wait until I can come see you?

Ray: Please don’t make me do that.

Lina: I can get to you by the day after tomorrow.

Ray: I can’t do this anymore. Just know that I love and and leave me alone.

Lina: Fine but I think this is really cruel and stupid of you. If I could stop you I would.

Johnny and Brody come bursting in making me jump. I don’t understand what they are doing here. I would have thought they would be asleep by now. Johnny is going through my stuff, placing things into a box. I don’t know what he is taking, I can’t see. He’s got his back to me. Brody sweeps the pills on the desk into the garbage.

“Make sure you check under her mattress.”

“Got it.” Johnny is tearing back the sheets on my bed. Brody puts the garbage can down out of my reach. He’s sitting at my feet looking up at me intently, a mix of emotions conflicting in his eyes.

“Razor. I need you to look at me.” I’m staring at my hands. “Deserai.” His voice is sharp. The use of my full na,e which I have not heard in years snaps my eyes up to his face.

“I need you to be honest. How many pills did you take?” He’s speaking slowly and firmly like he were speaking to an unruly child. It makes me want to act the part.

“None.”

“Lina called me and told me what you were doing. Don’t like to me. It’s really important that you tell me how many pills you’ve taken.” His hands are on my arms.

“I’ve only taken four. I swear.”

“Four?”

“Four.” Suddenly I am really tired. Keeping my eyes open is a chore. I try to slump forward on Brody but he forces me to stay up right.

“Johnny, what do you thing?”

“What did she take?”

“Looks like just aspirin.”

“She should be fine then but we should keep her conscious for a while. Either way you and I are going to have to watch her to make sure she doesn’t try anything else.” He leaves the room with his now full box and the garbage can full of my hope of ending the pain. I’m staring past Brody’s shoulder at the wall.

“Ray... Why didn’t you tell us what was going on?” I just shrug.

“I did. That day you were painting in the hallway.”

“You never said anything after that. It looked like you were doing better. You should have let us know what’s going on in that head of yours. We’re not mind readers but we want to help.” The prospect of having to put into words the badness I feel makes me slump deeper in my chair. “What makes you want to die so much?”

“Everything sucks.”

“Like what?”

“Me. Life. Everything.” Brody is crying but I am not. To me this is just the facts of life. I can’t remember when things didn’t suck. This seems like a bigger deal to him than it is to me. I try to smile and wipe away his tears. I don’t want him to be upset about this, I’m not. Somehow, I just feel resigned to the fact that I will kill myself at some point. Even if it isn’t tonight.

“I’m sorry...”

“Don’t be. You have nothing to be sorry for. This isn’t your fault.”

“I should have been there for you more. I should never have left. I knew things weren’t okay with you for a while before Johnny came back but you didn’t want to help yourself so I didn’t want to help you either. I resented you for still using drugs. I didn’t think about why you were using. I’ve been where you are and I know that if I’d just gotten you help back then things wouldn’t be so bad for you now.”

“Brody... I’ve been broken for a lot longer than I’ve known you. I’ve just been refusing to deal with it.”

“You’re still refusing to. Killing yourself is not how you sold problems.”

“Well I can’t think of any other logical solution.”

“It’s not a logical solution, it’s the easy solution. The logical solution would be to go get help. Or come talk to us. Which is why Johnny and I are going to take you to see a psychologist as soon as possible.”

“I just want to go to sleep now.”

“You can’t sleep. How about a movie instead?”

“Does it really matter what I say?” He looks at me with slight annoyance and concern at my complete resignation before picking me up and carrying me off to the living room. He’s still holding me as we get comfortable in front of the boob tube.

Chapter 15:

Jingle Jangle on a Chain.

I am in bed watching Brody sleep slumped over in a chair at my bedside. I am still shaky and exhausted from the events of the night before but can’t seem to sleep. I’m feeling violently alive. There is just nothing for me to do with this energy.

Johnny comes in and shakes Brody awake to kick him out of the room. Brody and Johnny have been keeping watch on me all night in four hour shifts. He touches me on the should to get my attention without realizing he already has it.

“How are you holding up?”

“Okay, all things considering. I just wish I could be doing something right now. I feel like I’ve wasted my life away.”

“I’m sure Brody wouldn’t mind letting you mess around with his paint stuff.”

“Maybe later. I’ll let him sleep first.”

“all right.” He just sits, leaning forward on his knees, playing with something in his hands and looking at me. I sit up to better continue our staring contest. “I’ve had a lot of time to think lately. Especially through the course of last night.”

“Uh oh. This doesn’t sound good.”

“It’s nothing bad. I’ve just had time to realize how important you are to me. I don’t think I’ve ever really let you know that. I can’t tell you why I picked you up off the street that night because I honestly still don’t know. But every thing’s been different since then. Despite all the worry you’ve put me through you have also been a joy to have around. You bring colour to my life.

“Watching you these past few weeks with all the shit you’ve been going through has been hard because I don’t know how to help you. But I am proud of you because if nothing else you are surviving. You are asking yourself a lot of tough questions that most people don’t know the answer to. But watching you discover yourself is quite the experience. I’m seeing sides of you that I knew were there all along but just buried deep inside by drugs and all the shit life gave you. So I want to give you something.”

He tosses the thing he’d been playing with into my lap. It’s a chain with several brightly colored chips with numbers printed on them.

“What are these?” I turn them over one by one in fascination. Johnny always has the most random things to show me. I have no idea where he gets it all from.

“These are sobriety chips. They were my mother’s. While she battled various addictions for most of her life the one thing she was most proud of was beating the bottle. She carried those chips around with her at all times as a reminder off that. I was supposed to bury them with her when she died but they are pretty much the only good thing about her that I have.”

“I can’t keep these if they mean that much to you.”

“Of course you can. I want you to have them. To let you know that I care and to give you something to hold on to and help you get through this rough patch.”

I have to give him a hug. Sometimes Johnny is the sweetest man alive. His little speech gives me new perspective on things. Everyone goes through shit in their lives. It’s not the end of the world as long as you keep going. I’ve stopped going. My life at this point is static. I just need to jump start it again. Pick a direction and run with it. Even if I am just coasting along, going with the flow, it’ll be better than doing nothing at all.

“Thank you, Johnny ” He holds me tightly in his lap for a long time before speaking again.

“Let’s get you something to eat. You feel like an Africa child every time I hug you. It creeps me out.”

“I’ve always been super skinny and boney. Do you realize how much speed I used to take?”

“Yeah but you have never been this underweight. If I saw you on the street I’d think that you’d been starved for a couple weeks. You are like twenty pounds lighter then when you left the warehouse.”

“I know, I’m grotesquely skinny but I just haven’t had much of an appetite. I try to eat but it just doesn’t happen.”

“That’s why I’m making you eat.”

“You’re going to make me sick that way. My stomach is a hell of a lot smaller than it used to be. That’s why the worse thing you can do is to force feed me.”

“I’m not going to make you eat a four course meal everyday. I do have some medical knowledge you know. I just plan on making sure you eat every couple hours. So up you get, I’ve got some salsa and chips for you in the kitchen.”

Chapter 36:

Stomping in the Crowd.

The bar is dark and dingy. It wreaks of sweat, stale beer and cigarette smoke. I’m standing at the back watching some band who’s name I’ve already forgotten. It’s some band Brody is friends with and insisted we go see when he found out they were coming to town. The put on a good show, playing loud and fast the way music is meant to be played. The mosh pit is real frenzied.

In the sweaty mass of limbs and spikes and bright colors, I pick out Brody who is on the taller side of the crowd with his mohawk styled up. His hair is long now that I had to do it for him. It took forever. Mostly because he was too excited to sit still. What a goofy kid.

I can’t help the admiration and pride I feel watching him. Drenched in beer and sweat he’s being shoved and shoving back just as hard. The expression on his face is fierce and exultant. I can tell he’s needed this kind of release for too long. All the worry and stress and bad news of the past few months is gone. The weight’s been lifted off him. He’s like Apollo shinning through the crowd. I don’t know where this energy comes from. It’s like the exact opposite of his natural zen like state.

All I know is he is holding his own better than most considering he is not the beefiest person in the mosh pit. This hidden strength that’s coming out now surprises me. I’ve seen Johnny whoop his ass too many times to really expect Brody to be able to take on a pit this fierce. Sometimes I forget that he’s lived pretty hard with no body to have his back. Or he’s just caught up in the moment. The adrenaline rush must be something else. I wish I could join him. I’m sure I’d enjoy myself more. It’s not that I’m not having fun it’s just I’m not stimulated enough. The music’s good and the mosh pit is entertaining to watch. I’ve gotten my fair share of free drinks but something is keeping me from really being in the moment. I’m trying to make the best of it.

When the band stops to take a break Brody makes his way over to me. He’s smelly and out of breath but there is something different in his body language. Like he’s more at ease or confident. I think in this moment he could touch the sky if he wanted to.

“Hey! How are you liking them?”

“They’re good. I recognize some of the songs. You play their album a lot don’t you.”

“Yeah. Why don’t you come in the pit?”

“Are you kidding? I’d die in there. I’m too tiny and not tough enough for moshing.”

“Bummer. Have you been dancing at least?”

“I’ve been too intimidated to.”

“You? Intimidated? I didn’t think that was possible. I’ve seen you stare down an angry pack of women.”

“This is not the place for my kind of dancing.”

“That makes you sound like a stripper. Come on, everyone will get a kick out of your dancing. You’re really cute when you do it.”

“No one’s going to kick my ass for being cute at a punk show?”

“I wouldn’t let ‘em lay a finger on you.”

“It’s good to know chivalry’s not dead.” The band starts up again and Brody takes my hand, leading me closer to the crowd.

“If you don’t dance tonight I will be ashamed of you.”

“All right fine. For your sake I will dance but if I’m stuck dancing by myself alone for the rest of the night I will not be happy.” He just smiles and starts to dance with me. I realize that I’ve never really seen him dance. Even when we went to raves he usually had too many chicks hanging off him to dance. It’s funny the way he dances. He’s not as graceful as I would have expected but he’s having fun all the same. I laugh at him but he doesn’t know what’s so funny. Before we know it there are just as many people dancing as there are moshing.

“See, I knew you wouldn’t be alone.” With that he’s diving back into the mosh pit letting someone else assume the role of my dance partner.

All in all it’s a good night. I’m glad Brody dragged me along with him. Walking home, the night is crisp and cool. He’s still hopped up on adrenaline and he talks energetically. I’m seeing this inviguered, hopeful person before me. Like he’s been rejuvenated. He makes me happy, seeing him like this. It’s not the zen couch potato I’m used to. I really believe that right now he could save us all. I know he’s saved me.

I’m not sure where I’d be without him. Would I have been able to start getting my life straightened out? Or would I be roving the streets somewhere looking for my next fix? I guess it doesn’t really matter because he’s here now and I’m never letting him go. There is no way he’s getting rid of me. I just want to grab him and suck his face off but I know that even right now he’d never let me. Oh but I love him.

Vignette: Tanning in the nude

Johnny and Brody stepped out onto the roof to have a smoke. The sun was shining brightly and Johnny wanted to explain some of the logistical details of his tree house to Brody. They step over to where the roof faced the back yard and the big tree was visible. Razor lay on a towel sleeping in the nude.

“Uh... Ray, what are you doing?” There was shock in Brody’s voice and Johnny could be heard laughing.

“Cat’s had something going when they started napping in the sun.”

“But why are you naked?”

“Because it’s the only way to avoid getting weird tan lines.”

“I’m going back inside now.” Johnny stayed outside to finish his cigarette. He kept quiet, deep in thought about the details of his tree house project. It was coming along well and he was glad to have something to do in those long hours of the night that he lay awake.

“Uh, Johnny? It’s kind of weird having you standing there like that. I may be one of the more shameless people you know but it’s still weird.”

“Oh right. I’ll go stand on the other side then.”

Chapter 24:

Gotta get Out, Gotta Breathe Free.

Brody and Johnny are arguing, yelling. About me. About Brody’s leaving. I wish they’d stop. This is what it must feel like when parents fight. I wouldn’t know. I never saw my parents often enough to see them fight. I want them to stop. There is no place for yelling in a home. I can’t take it. I need to get out. I try blocking them out with music but really I just want to be somewhere else. The atmosphere of the living environment is ruined. The problem is that I can’t go anywhere without them knowing or else they will freak out. I certainly don’t want to interrupt their little conversation.

So I’m sitting on the edge of my bed getting really antsy. Staring at the walls I’ve got to move my head every ten seconds to looks at something else. I can still hear their raised voices muffled through the walls. Sometimes I wish sound didn’t carry so well in this house. There is nothing for me to focus on that will block out the fighting. I can’t help feeling responsible for this rift between Johnny and Brody. As far as I know they never fought before. Then again they don’t tell me about the bad stuff.

Finally, as minutes go by, I snap. I’m grabbing my coat and running out of my room. I need to get out of the house. Maybe have a drink or something. They don’t notice as I speed by the door to the living room where they are fighting but they do hear the front door slam shut behind me. I look back to see them standing in the window watching me, stunned and perplexed. I keep running, wanting to get as far away from the yelling as I can. I don’t know if they will keep fighting or come after me so I try to get out of sight as quickly as possible.

The night is cool, calm. The mood is out. When I stop running I am on some street near a park I’ve never been to and before tonight didn’t know existed. I’m out of breath, the crisp night air burning my lungs. It’s not even that dark out but I feel unsafe. Continually looking over my shoulder I head to the park and the well lit soccer field. My heart is racing, an anxiety attack is coming on. I hear foot steps and start to run. The foot steps speed up. My heart is in my throat. If I stop running I’d vomit. Raw fear is pumping through my veins. All I here is my breathing and the foot steps chasing me. I reach the soccer field. Someone grabs me. A blood curdling scream escaped me.

“Hey, hey! Calm down, it’s me, Brody.” I can’t help but burst into tears. All the stress and anxiety of the night weighing down on me finally getting released. He’s hugging me, rubbing my back as we sink to the ground. He;s murmuring in my ear soothingly, trying to calm me down. I am annoyed with myself for being such a basket case but it still takes me a couple minutes to stop blubbering all over him.

“Ray... What’s going on?” Forehead to forehead there is concern in his eyes. It seems like that’s all I ever put there any more.

“I’m sorry I’m such a basket case. I just needed to get out. Things were getting to be too much.”

“You don’t have to be sorry. What things are your talking about?”

“You and Johnny fighting. I feel like I ruined your friendship. You guys aren’t the way you used to be and it’s all because of me.”

“Is that what’s bothering you? Look, things are the way they are between Johnny and I because I broke a pretty important promise to him that hurt you a lot in the process. That’s my fault. You can’t go blaming yourself for this. If anything, you are what is holding the friendship together. I’m sorry if our fighting upsets you.” I hug him tighter, burying my face in his shoulder.

“You guys aren’t supposed to fight. I can’t have you two falling apart. I need you two to be the way you used to be so that I have one thing in my life that’s stable. Every thing’s been turned upside down and I’m trying to find my center again. I need to know that I can count on you guys to stay the same as always.”

“We’re trying. For you, we’re trying. Johnny is just pissed as hell at me. You’ve scared the shit out of him and he doesn’t know how to help you so he’s looking for someone to blame. He doesn’t want to admit that he regrets leaving you with me. I’m an easy target because I really didn’t take care of you the way I should have. I was too busy with my own problems.”

“I think I was beyond help anyway. It’s good that you’re getting things back on track. You’re more help to me now than you could have been then. It’s hard to learn on someone who is falling apart.”

“I know I just wish I hadn’t pushed you away when you really needed someone the most. That was selfish of me.”

“The past is the past. There’s nothing we can do about it now.” I start to shiver. Having worked up a good sweat running my clothes are damp, making the cool night feel colder.

“You cold?” I nod. He’s pulling me to my feet and leading me back the way we came, not letting go of my hand. I see Johnny standing at the end of the street waiting for us. We stop when we reach him. He’s looking down at his feet, his shoulders hunched. Someone is feeling guilty. Going up to him I give him a big hug. He squeezes me back tightly.

“Johnny, it’s okay.”

“Not it’s not. You’re not okay.”

“I will be eventually. You just gotta give me some time.”

“I want to see you happy again.”

“I’ll be happier when the two people who mean the most to me can look each other in the eye without any resentment or guilt.”

“But...” I can tell he’s holding back saying something nasty about Brody in front of me. Sometimes his desire to protect me gets in the way of bringing things out into the open.

“Johnny, I’ve been messed up for a long time. I’ve got a lot of issues I’ve never dealt with before now. Brody didn’t fuck me up, I was a ticking time bomb. Anything could have triggered this break down. You need to stop trying to place blame. No one is to blame for me being a basket case except me and maybe my parents. You two have treated me better than anyone else has. Now I just need to treat each other just as well.” I let out a deep breath after finishing my little speech. They are each staring at their shoes. I am hugging myself tightly against the cold.

The minutes stretch by in silence. Brody and Johnny are giving serious thought to what I’ve had to say. There are still a lot of things that need to get out into the open but neither seem to know where to start. It looks like no one is going to be getting any sleep tonight. Well, I might. Johnny and Brody really need to work things out for themselves.

Chapter 25:

Beer Clarity.

It’s heading towards dusk and we are sitting inside Johnny’s freshly finished tree house. We’ve been working all day, the three of us, to finish it. Johnny was insistent this morning that we needed to spend the night up here tonight so that meant the day was spent using power tools and painting. All in all it was a tiring but worth while activity.

Now we take in the smell of wood and paint over some beers. It’s quiet as we listen to the sounds of the neighborhood. Car doors slamming shut, kids playing street hockey, families eating dinner outside. It’s quiet as we unwind from the day. I get the sense that the world goes on no matter what is going on my head. Johnny stretches out, groaning.

“Oh man, am I going to be sore tomorrow.”

“You’re not the one who is still stuck painting the whole inside of this place with ‘pretty, pretty pictures’ as you put it.”

“This place is not that big. I don’t see why you are complaining.”

“It may not look that big but it’s a lot of wall space to cover. ‘Pretty, pretty pictures” take a lot of work and you aren’t the only one who is sore.”

“It’ll look good with the walls painted. Have you decided on a theme yet?” I try to distract them. The memory of them yelling it out is still fresh in my mind and I am not in the mood for a repeat performance.

“I’m not sure. I was thinking really hot fairy chicks or something.” Brody’s looking thoughtfully at the plywood walls.

“You know what would be awesome right now? Steak. Nice thick juicy steak right off the grill.”

“No no no. Barbecue ribs. With potato salad and coleslaw.”

“Stop it. You guys are making me hungry.

“Good. But where are we going to get us some of these delectable ribs you speak of dear brother?”

“Uh... Take out?” Johnny is leaning out the window closest to him, staring at the phone which is laying by the diving board.

“But it’s so far away...” He’s looking for one of us to go get the phone for him.

“Don’t look at me. I don’t have to eat.” I take a sip of my beer to avoid his glare.

“Brody... you love me, right?”

“Not at all.”

“You’re so sweet. Fine. First person to finish their beer has to go order the food.” We all put down our bottles on the table. Something tells me we may end up settling for something decidedly not barbecue ribs.

We lapse into silence again. We’re all tired. Johnny had us up at the crack of dawn. I can feel something big coming. Like when you know you need to have that serious conversation but you’re trying to avoid it. I don’t want to ruin this moment. I almost feel happy for once. It really has been a good day.

“I’ve been thinking...” Johnny starts slowly.

“Uh oh. Nothing good ever comes from those words leaving your mouth.”

“Shut up. I’m being serious.”

“That’s not even possible.” He shoots Brody a glare before continuing.

“I’m tired of the whole drug shtick. It was fun for a while but it’s turning into more trouble than it’s worth. I mean, when you guys were using it made me feel better knowing you guys were getting clean shit but now I don’t need to worry about that. I don’t find drugs all that fun any more. So I might as well pack it in.”

“Wow... I never thought I’d see the day.”

“What are you going to do with yourself now?”

“I haven’t a clue. I was considering getting a degree in chemistry or becoming a doctor or something. I know I got the brains for it but I’m not sure yet if that’s really the thing for me.”

“So what prompted this change in professions?”

“This whole mess with getting raided and being on the run. It was bound to happen and it made me realize that I don’t enjoy enough to make the risk worth it. The Johnny is not suited to life in prison.”

“It’s best to follow your heart and fuck everything else. That’s what I always say.”

“Ray. I have never once heard you say that. Not to mention I’ve never seen you follow that advice either. You’re always too lazy.”

“Why don’t you shut up, Brody, and get back in the kitchen.”

“Are you calling me a woman?!” Johnny falls off his seat, helpless with laughter. “I think maybe the pain fumes are getting to him.” It takes a couple minutes for him to regain his composure. Wiping tears from his eyes he almost relapses at some thought he is having.

“We should just film you two sitting around together and sell it to all the stoners. It would sell like hot cakes! You two are by far the most entertaining couple I have ever known.”

“We’re not a couple.” Brody’s quick insistence of this fact stings me a little.

“For now at least but I see a bright future for the two of you involving lots of baby making.”

“I don’t know about that.” There is something in Brody’s voice that I do not like. He’s got that look as though the ground is about to fall out from under us as he picks at the label on his bottle.

“What? What are you talking about? You two are perfect for each other.”

“You know how I was mainlining heroin for a good six years? Well while I was in the hospital during my trip I thought it would be a good idea to get myself tested out for any diseases.”

“And...”

“And some of the tests came back positive.”

“Which ones?”

“I have HIV.” The silence is devastating. The wind knocked out of me, I feel the bottom of my stomach drop out. Johnny looks like he is going to start crying if he hasn’t already. Brody’s gone all pale and wont look at anything but his hands. This is the last thing I ever wanted to hear.

“What are you going to do now?” The shaking in my voice betrays the fear I don’t want to think about.

“I’m just going to keep going. As bad as this is there is no point in letting it completely ruin my life. I may not live as long as I’m supposed to but I’ve still got a lot of years a head of me. I’m going to get treatment and make the best out of the time I have.”

Johnny is hugging Brody tightly, sobbing into his shoulder. I watch them numbly, trying to process this new information. My brain is shutting down, refusing to consider everything that this news entails. I can’t be here any more. It feels like the walls are closing in on me.

“I’m going to go order the food now.” I say it quickly as I’m leaving the tree house, closing the trap door as I go. I don’t want to give them the chance to say anything. Really, I just need to calm down before I can talk about it. I’m tired of flipping my lid all the time.

Taking deep breaths, I’m leaning on the kitchen table, memorizing the grain of the wood. I hear the patio door slide open and shut.

“Are you all right?” Brody is standing a few feet being me.

“I just need to calm down a bit.” I don’t look at him, not wanting any reminders of his bad news.

“This isn’t the end of the road, you know.”

“Yeah, but it’s the end of the road for us. I’m sorry but that upsets me just a tad.” I can’t help the bitterness in my voice. I’m sure if I were to look at him I’d see hurt on his face.

“Because I love you I can’t knowingly put you in danger like that.”

“That doesn’t make me feel any better.”

“Ray...” He puts his hands on my waist.

“Don’t touch me. You’re just reminding me of what will never happen.” Maybe I’m overreacting but maybe my anger is justified. What right does he have to make this choice for the both of us?

“I’m sorry but what do you want me to do?”

“I want you to let me make my own choices for once. I am capable of that.”

“From what I’ve seen, you’ve made some pretty stupid choices. I’m not going to let you put yourself at risk like that.”

“So you’ll have the both of us suffer. Good plan. To me, it’s an acceptable risk. I’d be gaining more than I’d be losing. You know how I am, do you really think this is that big a deal for me?”

“It should be.”

“Well it really isn’t. I care about you more. Is that so stupid?”

“It really scares me how little concern you have for your own well being.”

“Sometimes the healthiest of people are not really well. I know that I am happy with you so fuck all the rest.”

“I want to know that you have given this a lot of thought. I don’t want you rushing into this now and then hating me for it later.”

Figure K:

World estimates of the HIV & AIDS epidemics at the end of 2005

Number of people living with HIV/AIDS in 2005

Estimate Range

Total 40.3 36.7-45.3

Adults 38.0 34.5-42.6

Women 17.5 16.2-19.3

Children 2.3 2.1-2.8

People newly infected with HIV in 2005

Estimate Range

Total 4.9 4.3-6.6

Adults 4.2 3.6-5.8

Children 0.70 0.63-0.82

AIDS deaths in 2005

Estimate Range

Total 3.1 2.8-3.6

Adults 2.6 2.3-2.9

Children 0.57 0.51-0.67

millions

Source: 28:

Where’s my Ice Cream?

We’re cruising down town in the GTO. Johnny’s speeding as usual. He dragged me out of the house with the promise of ice cream. I’m beginning to think he was lying.

“Johnny, your pants are on fire.”

“Huh?”

“We’re clearly not going to get ice cream.”

“We will... eventually. There is something that we need to so first.”

“So where are we going then?”

“To the clinic.”

“I do not like the sound of that.”

“Relax, I’m not having you committed or anything like that. It’s just time you have a check up and get tested for disease.”

“I do not have any diseases. It’s my body, I should know.” He’s looking at me pointedly.

“Razor, you don’t even know the names of more than half your partners. I don’t think you even know how many partners you’ve had.”

“What’s your point?”

“You haven’t exactly been safe. As your life advisors, Brody and I have decided that this something that is very important for you to do.”

“It’s my body. I’m the only one who has a say in these matters.”

“You don’t give a shit about yourself. You’d just as soon jump in front of a bus. So you’ve forfeited the right to these decisions. Brody and I have to take care of you because you wont so we made the executive decision to do this.”

“You should been honest about in the first place.”

“Because I wanted to see you smile for once. You’re always so moody. I don’t have anyone to play twenty questions with anymore.” He pulls into a parking spot and hops out of the car. I don’t move. The passenger door opens so he can lean in.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m not getting out of this car.”

“Come on, you’re going to be late for your appointment.”

“You made me an appointment?!”

“Well yeah. I figured you would rather that then have to spend a long time in the waiting room.”

“You suck.”

“I love you too. Now get your ass out of the car before I have to drag you out myself.” My glare could melt ice but I reluctantly clime out of the care and let him lead me along the sidewalk. This is the last thing I want to be doing. I really don’t have a choice in the matter it would seem. I could make a run for it but I’m smart enough to know that there is no way I can out run Johnny. Maybe a year ago I could have but not now.

The clinic is cleaner than I expect. The receptionist gives me a friendly smile when we enter. I let Johnny fill out the paper work. He seems to know more about me than I do. The waiting rom is too quiet. The silence sets a ringing in my ears. I feel my heart speed up, I can’t help starting to get antsy. Thankfully the doctor is ready to see me about ten minutes after we got there. She seems like a nice woman but I am instinctually distrustful of her. Johnny insists on coming with me. He acts like my lawyer. I let him do most the talking.

When I’m laying on the examining table in one of those paper gowns I feel most exposed than I have ever felt. I’m going to kill Brody and Johnny for making me go through this. I’ve got a woman cranking me open to poke and swab at my cunt. Thankfully I keep it together. The last think I want is to be bawling while some stranger is fingering me with latex gloves on. The doctor is smart enough not to try and start conversation. I answer her questions but otherwise don’t say anything.

When I get out of the examination room I am ready to beat Johnny’s face in. He’s waiting patiently for me looking pleased.

“Home. Now.” My voice is hard.

“What about ice cream?” He’s following me as I quickly march out of the clinic.

“I just got fingered by a complete stranger. The last thing I want is ice cream. Now let’s go home.”

“Fine, fine.” He’s smart enough not to argue with me as he starts the car with a roar and peels out. “We should get your results by tomorrow.”

“I don’t want to know.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. Very sure.”

“I will never understand how that mind of yours works but okay.”

Vignette: Johnny and Brody Dancing

The lights were dim and the music soft. It was early evening and the sun was just getting done setting. Razor was out with some old friends so Johnny and Brody had the run of the house. They decided to do something they hadn’t done in a long time. Dancing.

“You’re a little rusty, Brody.”

“Yeah, it’s been a couple years. I’ve never been able to find a partner with your flair.”

“I’m flattered. Would you like to lead for a while?”

“Me? Lead? You’ve never let me lead before.”

“It’s about time I give you a chance to prove yourself. It’s not fair of me to always lead. We’re both wearing the pants in this relationship.”

“I’ve never led before.”

“It’s not hard, just do everything in the mirror image of how you would usually do it.” They pause for a moment to change positions before resuming their dance. Brody is silent with concentration as Johnny rests his head on his shoulder. “You know, it would have made sense to have had you leading from the start since you are taller than me.”

“Quiet. I’m trying to focus.”

“My, aren’t we serious tonight.” They both laugh a little as they think how silly this would look to anyone walking in.

Chapter 40:

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

It’s around eleven o’clock on a cloudy Saturday morning when she walk in. This sophisticated tall woman in her mid thirties. Despite her tan skin and black hair she bares a striking resemblance to Brody.

“Can I help you?” This woman just waltzes in here and that’s all I can think to say? I’m a fucking genius.

“You can start by telling me who you are and what you are doing on my property.” Bitchy much?

“This is Brody’s house. We’ve been crashing here for months now.”

“Oh, so it’s my degenerate brother who’s been messing around here. That makes sense then. So where is he?” Johnny, having heard our conversation from the living room walks in.

“He’s been at the rehab center all morning. He should be back any time now.”

“Yeah, right. So who pressured him into it this time?”

“No one did. He got clean on his own. I know you hate your brother, Deirdre but he’s not the same person any more.”

“I’ll believe that when I see it.” That’s Brody’s cue to come walking in whistling some chipper tune and spinning the car keys around his index finger. The sight of his sister makes him stop dead in his tracks. It’s silent for a moment. Brody looks like he’s seen a ghost.

“What- what are you doing here?”

“I could ask you the same thing.”

“It’s my house.”

“Not the way I see it. I get a call saying someone’s been squatting in the house. What am I supposed to think? I didn’t even know you still had a key. You gave up all of this. You said you didn’t want anything to do with mom and dad.”

“I needed some place to crash and to hide Ray away for a while.”

“Ray? You mean this slut? What, was she giving you blow jobs instead of rent money?”

“That’s uncalled for. You don’t know her or the situation. Look I know I hurt you and I don’t deserve your forgiveness but what gives you the right to come in here and slander us all?”

“I don’t know, my lowlife junkie brother and his friends causing trouble in my life again is cause enough for me to be mad I think.”

“I’ve been clean for a couple months now. That’s why I came here in the first place. To get my life back on track. So maybe if you can’t forgive me you can at least stop thinking of me as a waste of human life.”

“I’ve heard all this before. I’m not falling for it again.”

“I didn’t expect you to believe me. I’m clean and that’s all that matters really. I can go on with my life now. If it’s the house you are so worried about, I’ve kept up with the bills and all that.”

“Good because I’m not giving you any money. As it is I don’t even like you staying here. I’m surprised the place hasn’t caught fire yet.”

“If you want us out, we’ll go. There are plenty of other houses in the world for us to live in.”

“I can’t sell the house the way it is now. It’ll cost more to fix it up than I’ll get for the place so you might as well stay rather than go wreck another house.”

“It’s up to you.” The silence drags on for a bit before Johnny clears his throat.

“Deirdre, would you like to stay for lunch? I’m making club sandwiches.” Suddenly she looks so tired. I don’t know where she lives but it must have been a long trip. She must have been mad for even longer and that is always tiring.

“I guess since I’m here I might as well.” There is a sigh and resignation in her voice.

“Good. It’ll give you and Brody a chance to talk about things. I think it’s about time you two had a civil conversation.” Brody doesn’t look any happier about this than his sister who is following Johnny into the kitchen. I stop Brody to give him the hug he looks like he needs so very much. He’s shaking a little but tries to put on a brave face as he pries his way out of my hug and heads into the kitchen.

“so why didn’t you ever write me to let me know you were getting clean?”

“What are the chances you would have even read the letter.”

“Good point.” We’re in the kitchen. Johnny is busily preparing lunch while Brody and Deirdre talk.

“I knew you wanted me to leave you alone so I never bothered to even track you down. I didn’t want to disrupt your family again.”

“To be honest, when I stopped hearing from you I just assumed you’d ODed or been locked up. I wasn’t expecting to find you here today.”

“I wasn’t expecting to see you here either. I’m sorry you had to come all the way out here just for this. I should have let you know I was crashing here.”

“If you are clean for real this time than I guess the trip was worth it. I’ve missed my kid brother as much as I hate to admit it.”

“Does this mean I can start calling you in the middle of the night again like old times.”

“Whoa... I never said I missed you that much.”

“Aww. but those conversations were so much fun.”

“You are still a brat.”

“Some things never change, big sister.” It’s nice to them acting more like family again, even if I am jealous. Brody deserves this. I know he’s been working really hard. To get his sister back makes it worth all the effort. I know he’s been struggling a bit lately. I overheard him and Johnny talking about it the other night. This will probably help him keep up the fight. Which is good. If he goes back on the junk then I probably will follow him.

Vignette: Razor dancing in the street light.

The show was long over but the night was still young. Johnny, Brody and Razor had decided to walk around the city for a while before heading back home. They had made the effort to travel all the way to the city they might as well spend some time there. As they passed by some clubs and bars a smorgasbord of beats could be heard. The walls muffled the music so that the multiple beats made their own unique song. WHile Johnny and Brody debated whether they wanted to go into one of those clubs Razor started to dance to the music.

“Hey, Brody. Look at her go.”

“She’s graceful.”

“Always has been. Let’s just stay out here. I think we’ve got a better vibe going than any of those trendy places.”

Chapter 46:

A Break from Nothing.

I.

In Johnny’s infinite wisdom we rented a tiny ass beach house for two weeks because he decided that we all needed a vacation. I’m standing in front of a mirror giving myself a haircut while Johnny and Brody play cards.

“So if we’ve all been basically sitting around doing nothing for the past couple months, why do we need to go on vacation?”

“I’d say we’ve all been through a lot of changes and such so I think we’ve all earned this break.”

“Fine by me I guess.”

“Ray... what are you going?”

“I am cutting my hair. What does it look like?”

“Why?”

“I got bored. Let’s face it, we’re in the middle of no where. There is nothing to do but swim or play cards. We don’t even have a TV.”

“You’re welcome to play cards with us.”

“I don’t feel like taking my clothes off right now. Besides, if I want to do this for a living I might as well start practicing now.”

“Wait, what is it you plan on doing for a living?”

“Cutting hair.”

“And you decided this when?”

“Not too long ago. The way I see it, it’s something that I’m good at and I enjoy. I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of it earlier.”

“That’s ‘cause you’re slow.”

“Hey. I’m not the one who keeps walking into the patio door.” Johnny shoots me a glare and Brody falls back laughing. As a way of ending this conversation Johnny gets up and gets us all some booze out of the fridge. It’s the middle of the night but for some reason non of us really feel like sleeping. I guess we needed the break more than I thought because I’m feeling so much more relaxed and calm than I have in past weeks.

“It’s too nice to stay cooped up in this shit box. Let’s go night swimming or something.”

“I second this idea.” That’s all it really takes to get these guys to do anything.

Probably the only good thing about this beach house is that it is right on the beach. Since it’s the middle of the night, the beach is completely deserted. Just the way I like it. The water’s not too calm so it’s kind of cold out. Not cold enough to stop me from swimming, it was bloody hot during the day. But it is cold enough for a bonfire. I hope we have marshmallows. The night is really clear so it’s easy to find enough beach wood. We let Johnny start the fire since he’s more than proven himself talented at starting accidental fires.

I love night time. Everything is so much calmer. Even when the shit hits the fan it’s harder to totally lose it. I watch Brody and Johnny working together. They laugh and joke just like always. No more fights. Unless they are drunk but getting Brody drunk isn’t always the easiest thing to do. He has restraint. Probably something the rest of us should learn. Oh well. He’s got enough to have us covered in that department.

“Can I go swim now?”

“Not until the fire is built.”

“Johnny, she’s not even helping. Just let her go swim before she starts to get too whiney.”

“She’s supervising. It’s a very important job. If she doesn’t supervise than we just might eat all the marshmallows without her.”

“Fine, I’ll stay. But you two better hurry up.” Sitting down and throwing things at them doesn’t make them go any faster but it is amusing until Brody chases me away.

He chases me into the water and I finally get to go swimming. Well it’s more like bouncing on the waves. Staring up at the stars it strikes me how isolated we are from everything and I understand finally why Brody likes that. Out here there is nothing you need to worry about survival. Not the kind of survival on the streets. Out here you don’t need to struggled to maintain any kind of identity or any of that crap. There is no threat in nature. I want them to come swimming with me but they are busy talking so I suppose I should leave them alone for now.

II.

“Looks like she’s back.” Brody says with a laugh, sitting down on a log near Johnny.

“Do you love her?”

“What?”

“Do you love her?” Brody takes a moment to think before answering Johnny’s vague question. He wasn’t expecting the sudden seriousness of their conversation.

“Yes I do. Very much.”

“Then why do you keep her at arms length all the time?”

“I’m afraid to hurt her. I mean look what happened to Lillith. It’s like I broke her and I don’t want that happening to Ray too.” Johnny let’s out a sigh.

“That’s not going to happen. Look man, what happened with Lillith is not entirely your fault. It was a bad situation to begin with. SHe did herself in by abandoning you when you needed her most. She should have tried to help you. Ray on the other hand is one loyal mother fucker. She never had to stay with me and she never took advantage of me when I gave her plenty of opportunities to. She’ll stay with you for life and really there is no way of getting rid of her. She’s a strong girl so I don’t see how you could break her. I just know you are hurting her more now by keeping her away than you could if you let her in.”

“What about my HIV? I don’t want her catching it too. I’ve already had to get a hold of so many people to warn them. I can’t do that to anyone else. Especially not to Ray.”

“If you use protection and are extra cautious, I doubt you need to worry about that. You know how she was living. Few others have been so reckless and survived. It’s a miracle she tested negative or that non of the other shit she caught killed her.”

“Yeah, I guess...” Brody stares into the fire feeling conflicted. His calm seems to have worn off and he wants to be alone. Johnny is saying things he doesn’t want to hear.

“So what’s with all the excuses? You guys go so well together. I’d be hard put to find a better match.”

“I’m scared.” His voice is so soft that Johnny almost doesn’t hear him over the crashing of the waves and the crackle of the fire.

“What do you have to be afraid of.”

“It’s been a long time since I’ve let anyone in. I thought I’d be with Lillith forever and I don’t even know how I survived that mess. If I lost Ray that would be it for me. Sometimes it seems like I can’t hold on to anything and then I see they way she gets and I don’t know how things would last. What if I let her in and she doesn’t like what she sees? She deserves to be with someone better.”

“You’re too hard on yourself, Brody. I don’t see how you could ever drive her away. Even when you push her away she always comes back. You’re a good person at heart even if you have done some bad things and she knows that. You and I both know that it it ever seems like she’s falling off the edge you’re the one who will catch her. She relies on you for that so you need to stay close to her.

“I can’t tell you what to do but if you don’t act on how you feel than you are a total dumb ass and I should beat some sense into you.”

“Thanks for the advice. I think.” They lapse into silence. Brody is utterly confused now. He thought he was doing the right thing by staying away from her but if Johnny was saying otherwise and making the point of confronting him about it than he maybe needs to rethink things some. He is going to be up all night thinking about this now. Why does everything have to be so head ache inducing?

Chapter 47:

Pass Me the Stabby Pokey Thing, Please.

“I want to get my nipple pierced.” These random announcements of mine always make Brody choke on what ever he is eating or drinking at the time.

“What? Now?”

“I’ll do it for you.” Johnny is sitting at the table nursing a beer after having lunch.

“Uh... Somehow I don’t trust you around my sensitive areas with anything meant to put a hole in my flesh.”

“It’s okay. I’m a trained professional.”

“Bullshit. Since when?”

“I used to hang out at this one tattoo place when I was a teenager and was really into piercings and I convinced the piercer to show me how to do it.”

“But you don’t have any piercings now.”

“Yeah, the army made me take them out and I never got around to redoing them.”

“I still don’t trust you putting holes in me. You haven’t been piercing anything lately.”

“Actually, that’s what I was doing while I was gone because I needed the cash. It’s like riding a bike, anyway.”

“I don’t know about this...”

“Come one, if you go to a shop, you’ll have to let some stranger feel up your boob. At least with me, it’s nothing I’ve never been exposed to.”

“You have a point. I guess I’ll let you do it.”

“Great. I’ll get the living room set up.” Johnny rushed out of the room looking quite giddy.

“Is it just me, or is he a little too excited about this?”

“Like a kid in a candy store.”

“Are you going to stick around or is this a little too weird for you?”

“Depends. Do you want me to stay?”

“Well, I do need someone to hold my hand.”

“I can do that.”

“You just want to see my boobs.”

“Maybe...”

“Pervert.”

Johnny’s weird sometimes. He’s got the whole mood lighting and music thing going on in the living room. I sit down in front of him and take my top off. Brody, modest as always, sits just behind me. This is a rare occasion when Johnny isn’t his usual scatterbrained self. He explains what’s going to happen as he cleans the area he’ll be piercing. Even though it is Johnny doing this and I trust him with my life, I’m still nervous and I hold on to Brody’s hand tighter than I mean to.

As Johnny counts to three, getting ready to shove the needle in, I turn my head away. I don’t have the chance to gasp as Brody clamps his mouth down on mine in quite the intense, hott kiss. I’m talking tongue and everything. It catches me off guard and I melt into him. Johnny has to hold me still so he can finish what he’s doing. I forget everything. Where I am, what’s going on. This isn’t like with all those other guys, and girls. I’ve never been kissed by someone who is genuinely into me.

All the sensations I’m feeling at once are overwhelming. Brody’s hands all over my bare back. Brody’s mouth on mine. The dull throb where Johnny had pierced me. My mind shuts off and for this brief moment I’m experiencing things without that voice in the back of my head chattering away. I could care less about the rest of the world ending right now. It’s just me and Brody. Nothing else exists. I never thought he’d make the first move. He never makes the first move.

When we come up for air, I can’t help but just stare at him. I’m speechless. His sparkling green eyes are wide with surprise. I guess he wasn’t thinking with his head when he grabbed me. Before he starts thinking he’s made a mistake I push him down and start to kiss him more tenderly. Too long have I had to keep my hands to myself. He’s mine now and I’ll be damned if I let him escape. It doesn’t look like he wants to escape though, he’s still got his hands all over me. I guess it’s been even longer since he’s had a warm, willing body in his arms.

“So what changed your mind about us? About this?” He’s a little befuddled. It takes him some time to think.

“I realized that I was just making us both miserable and it wasn’t fait. Plus Johnny threatened violence if I kept up with the bullshit.”

“Since when are you scared of little ol’Johnny?”

“I’m not, but he did have a point about me being a dumb ass.”

“You are a dumb ass but I love you for it.” He rolls me over onto my back, his face still close to mine.

“So do you forgive me?”

“For what?” I kiss him to shut him up. He’s going to talk himself into a hole and I’d rather we be doing other things with our time.

All in all this is better than I thought it’s be. Seeing as I’ve only pursued sexual activities while under the influence, I figured nothing would be as good. We’ll have to see. I mean, this is only making out but I’m thoroughly enjoying myself. Maybe because his mouth tastes like the chocolate ice cream he was eating before. Mmm... Ice Cream.

Chapter 44:

It’s Just the Beginning.

So maybe life isn’t what I thought it was. Do I have regrets? Hell yeah. I was living expecting to die at any moment. I did a lot of asshole things to people who were supposed to be my friends. Living like nothing matters allowed me to stagnate. I never grew or changed. It drove me straight into a brick wall. Something had to give and it did. Granted this was not one of the neatest processes. Bit I have hope now.

There is a future. I have a future. I am a smart and capable person. There will be no more wasting my life away. I have things so much better than I ever let myself believe. Yeah, so I’ve been mistreated by people in the past. I have a home and people who genuinely love and care for me now. There is nothing to stop me from doing anything I want. The only hard part is figuring out what I really want. There are so many things society tells me I should want but I just got to listen to my heart. I know it’s still there deep down inside somewhere.

If I’ve learned anything from this whole mess it’s that focusing on the bad stuff takes you no where but down. I was so angry. At my parents, at society. Everything I did was aimed to be a big ‘Fuck You’ to the world. Little did I know the world didn’t care and I was just hurting myself. There I was tearing this big path of destruction everywhere I went and it got me nowhere. Instead I was just destroying myself. I can still feel the effects on my spirit. It’s a struggle to be myself after emptying everything that made me me. I really was this mindless creature who’s sole purpose in life was to get fucked up.

All the things I supposedly believed in were a sham. Just a guise to try and prove to others and myself that I still existed. All this jargon I would prattle off to anyone who would listen just to prove that hey I believe too. It makes me laugh because I know I really didn’t believe in anything. I didn’t trust anything in this world. People saw through my bullshit. I was just some strung out bitch who couldn’t keep her mouth shut. They put up with me for all the wrong reasons. I’m staying out of that scene now. It’s no good for me. I can finally see that now.

That’s what’s really changed. I can see how things are going to effect me and choose to stay away if I know it will hurt me. I’m making choices and not just letting my surrounding dictate my life. For the first time I’m taking responsibility. From now on I’m going to life a life I can be proud of. I need to learn not to hate myself. That’s what really screwed everything up. I was running from myself. But the booze, drugs and sex couldn’t make me go away. I was always still right there the next day.

Love yourself and you’ll be happy. There is to much hate. Being angry at all the things you can’t change will only drive you further into that black hole. You don’t want to live my life. I’m lucky to have gotten out of it before it killed me, Many others I’ve known have not. You don’t want to look around and see all the faces missing because they got locked up or died. I was damn lucky I never got arrested but many others couldn’t run as fast as I could.

All these kids I know who let life get them down. I watched them spiral out to where no one cared about them. It was always each man for himself. That’s no way to live. Find someone to love. Everyone needs someone to lean on.

Yes, I know I sound like a fucking hippie but at least I’m starting to be happy for once in my life. That’s what everyone wants, isn’t it? Happiness. My life is far from straightened out but I’m on the right track. I’ve got to thank Brody and Johnny for getting me there. For all the hell I’ve put them through, they’ve stuck by me. And I’ll stick by them from now until forever. We are a family now. We’ve been through too much not to have this unbreakable bond that will hold us together no matter where we each end up in life. Yes it’s hard. There are days when I just don’t want to get out of bed or do anything but I soldier through them. The only thing that makes you a failure is giving in to despair. I’m tired of being a failure.